the beauty or profoundness of life... we try to express them but fall short of it, as it is with the expression of love and other emotions. what we feel, at most times we know we comprehend and want to share, but with the incapability of sharing that exact "thing" about it, we are either left with too much awe or with too much disappointment. but nonetheless, we would aspire to find a way to reach out and share it with other people, such as the case with movies, books, music and a lot more. to share the beauty, the gravity, the breadth and depth, and all else unexplainable but of which makes us human.
been watching two movies today, both on HBO. first was titled "The Valley of Light", of which i ended up thinking of what i wrote above. the next one was "Stepmom". Yes, it left me with eyes filling up with tears... i just wanted to cry. of course, there were a lot of parts in which i cried, but that one part that i remembered is that of which Susan Sarandon's character, Jackie, was spending her last christmas with her children, her ex-husband and his new wife Isabel, played by Julia Roberts. Jackie was talking with her daughter, and she was saying that the memories of people who pass away live on in the people who keep these memories and these people dear and alive in their hearts. i have one such experience. a family friend of ours passed away of cancer some three years ago, on December 13, 2004. every time i remember her, and see her face in my mind's eyes, i can't help but cry. i miss her, i can say. i know that she has already passed on, but i just can't help crying. we have somewhat moved on, as everybody is living their lives, yet of course, when one takes the time to remember, of course, the loss of such a good person just makes us miss her so. but she continues to live in all of us whose life she's touched or has been a big part of. i went to attend the dinner thing for her 3rd death anniversary. at first, i didn't want to go, but in the end i went with my dad as well. actually, it didn't seem like a death anniversary; it is more of a gathering of people who loved her and continue to love her in our hearts. there were so many people, and one can say that the atmosphere is positive. i guess i was observing myself - my thoughts and my feelings - and others around me. now, it popped into my mind that it has become not the celebration of her death, but the celebration of the life that she had lived with love for all of us, all of us who has come to remember her as she has touched our lives. such a gift, i can say. and i am glad that i decided to go. :)
such beautiful music... check www.davidbyrne.com/radio i am listening to it from iTunes (hope it's not making the internet slower for my brother, hehe :))
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
today seems to be a day of feeling "balanced". not really completely balanced, but i just feel like so - somewhat at peace with myself. of course, there were points and moments during the day that i felt flushed, irritated, worried, and what more, but i am glad that as of the present moment, i am okay. can you say that i am relaxed? in a way. it's easier to let go today. of course i can't say the same for tomorrow. let's just see.
i miss her. definitely do. but i am also amazed in that i am able to resist the gnawing inside me. not that i don't want to see her, but then it has just become easier not to give in. there is still the longing, but there is also the waiting. i don't want to push her, because to push her is to push myself as well - pushing myself to expect all these twisted "illusions" of mind that i end up making it harder for myself, to suffer in my own "illusions", especially if they don't come into reality and i end up so sad and disappointed. i told her that i feel like i have to back off. not that because she is in a stage in her life, but also because i have to back off for myself, so that i don't just throw myself into the endless tossing of the strong waves of my thoughts, spiraling they may be - endless that it sucks me in if i continue to push, claw and hold on to it.
i wonder if we will meet again real soon. i wonder if i did or said something wrong. but i know that i will never know, and i guess it is suffice to trust myself that i know that i did nothing and said nothing wrong, because i would never want to hurt her, even how twisted my mind can get - i know it in my heart, even when i get so negative, i will always want to protect her. i am always looking for answers and explanations, so that i can be ready when the hurt and the pain comes. but then, based from previous experiences that i am seeing in mind again, these also shows me that it can create this web that confuses me and that can eventually lead me towards that destruction of this relationship that i so cherish. my insecurities and my negative thoughts eventually led to the end of previous relationships, what more to this one if i continue letting myself go through that spiral again.
i miss her. definitely do. but i am also amazed in that i am able to resist the gnawing inside me. not that i don't want to see her, but then it has just become easier not to give in. there is still the longing, but there is also the waiting. i don't want to push her, because to push her is to push myself as well - pushing myself to expect all these twisted "illusions" of mind that i end up making it harder for myself, to suffer in my own "illusions", especially if they don't come into reality and i end up so sad and disappointed. i told her that i feel like i have to back off. not that because she is in a stage in her life, but also because i have to back off for myself, so that i don't just throw myself into the endless tossing of the strong waves of my thoughts, spiraling they may be - endless that it sucks me in if i continue to push, claw and hold on to it.
i wonder if we will meet again real soon. i wonder if i did or said something wrong. but i know that i will never know, and i guess it is suffice to trust myself that i know that i did nothing and said nothing wrong, because i would never want to hurt her, even how twisted my mind can get - i know it in my heart, even when i get so negative, i will always want to protect her. i am always looking for answers and explanations, so that i can be ready when the hurt and the pain comes. but then, based from previous experiences that i am seeing in mind again, these also shows me that it can create this web that confuses me and that can eventually lead me towards that destruction of this relationship that i so cherish. my insecurities and my negative thoughts eventually led to the end of previous relationships, what more to this one if i continue letting myself go through that spiral again.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
written because i wasn't able to go back to sleep again, after 430am.... thoughts just kept beguiling my mind...
Is it impulsiveness,
that is the fire in me
at this very moment?
Is it the push
that i feel
that makes me think?
does it fuel
the desire of
wanting things now?
together with impatience
feeling that it is mine to receive
or that i will get it
makes me insane.....
why do i have to
keep on trying
to prove that i am worth it?
why do i fear
that i am not worth it?
that i have to grab hold of it
tightly?
especially if it comes at an unknown moment,
and if it is uncertain to come again.
why do i lose my mind over it,
to keep on going into this
endless wheel of mental anguish
causing my heart to contract,
to quicken, to push, and push and push,
to grab hold of something tightly?
why do i fear that i will not be able to get it?
why do i fear?
why?
Is it impulsiveness,
that is the fire in me
at this very moment?
Is it the push
that i feel
that makes me think?
does it fuel
the desire of
wanting things now?
together with impatience
feeling that it is mine to receive
or that i will get it
makes me insane.....
why do i have to
keep on trying
to prove that i am worth it?
why do i fear
that i am not worth it?
that i have to grab hold of it
tightly?
especially if it comes at an unknown moment,
and if it is uncertain to come again.
why do i lose my mind over it,
to keep on going into this
endless wheel of mental anguish
causing my heart to contract,
to quicken, to push, and push and push,
to grab hold of something tightly?
why do i fear that i will not be able to get it?
why do i fear?
why?
Friday, November 02, 2007
i feel so restless today... except for taking our pet shihtzu to the vet, i really had nothing else to do. so i ended up sleeping a hour or two this afternoon.
I texted a friend to ask if there's any activity for the next two days. and then i remembered the list i made which i placed in this very blog. and my heart just shouts for the stars, to stargaze.
feeling so, i went out of the house and saw two distinct stars. i wonder what they are. i then remembered the time when my cousin and i took a trip to inner mongolia during our vacation from school in beijing. while the rest of those in the trip slept in the bus(well, that's what i think they were doing), i reveled in the wonder of watching the stars up in the night sky. they are so beautiful. you can see them in different levels. i mean, so many stars in the night sky. we were in the part of mongolia where there weren't much infrastructures or night lights. it was just beautiful. no other word to really describe it but beautiful and wonderful. there were so many of them, and you could see them one by one, with the naked eye. it seems like they were surrounding you from above, but you don't feel enclosed or anything, you just feel happy to have them around you. you could see some closer to us, some farther in the distance. but the effect is just spectacular. i just wasn't able to sleep that night, and am thankful i didn't go to sleep or else i wouldn't have seen them at all and would have missed that chance of seeing the beauty of them. it is my thing to just watch whatever's out there from the window during trips over land, and i guess on sea as well. :) nature is just so beautiful, especially if you're contemplating, reflecting or just enjoying your own space - communing with nature in one form or another.
now, i am looking for a place that sells telescopes. it's just an impulse right now. but i guess i'll buy one if i do find it. :) if not, i'll just let it pass. :) but would definitely want to learn more about it. :) i do love space and space exploration. :)
I texted a friend to ask if there's any activity for the next two days. and then i remembered the list i made which i placed in this very blog. and my heart just shouts for the stars, to stargaze.
feeling so, i went out of the house and saw two distinct stars. i wonder what they are. i then remembered the time when my cousin and i took a trip to inner mongolia during our vacation from school in beijing. while the rest of those in the trip slept in the bus(well, that's what i think they were doing), i reveled in the wonder of watching the stars up in the night sky. they are so beautiful. you can see them in different levels. i mean, so many stars in the night sky. we were in the part of mongolia where there weren't much infrastructures or night lights. it was just beautiful. no other word to really describe it but beautiful and wonderful. there were so many of them, and you could see them one by one, with the naked eye. it seems like they were surrounding you from above, but you don't feel enclosed or anything, you just feel happy to have them around you. you could see some closer to us, some farther in the distance. but the effect is just spectacular. i just wasn't able to sleep that night, and am thankful i didn't go to sleep or else i wouldn't have seen them at all and would have missed that chance of seeing the beauty of them. it is my thing to just watch whatever's out there from the window during trips over land, and i guess on sea as well. :) nature is just so beautiful, especially if you're contemplating, reflecting or just enjoying your own space - communing with nature in one form or another.
now, i am looking for a place that sells telescopes. it's just an impulse right now. but i guess i'll buy one if i do find it. :) if not, i'll just let it pass. :) but would definitely want to learn more about it. :) i do love space and space exploration. :)
Thursday, November 01, 2007
today was a day devoted to driving... and eating... sort of.
It is official, no work for November 1(Thursday & All Saint's Day) and for Nov. 2(Friday & All Soul's Day). November 3(Saturday - my turn for day-off, YES!). So yes, it is a pretty long weekend for me.
Anyway, i woke up at 8am and immediately went online. i was just actually waiting until sometime before 11am. I was my dad and my granddad's driver for the day. We first went off to have lunch at Gloria Maris in Greenhills and just drove the whole afternoon - to go past Luneta, going to Cavite, and then back, to Fort Bonifacio(just to buy Krispy Kreme Doughnuts), and then stopping by the Examiner Branch of McDonalds for some coffee, hot chocolate, milkshake and fries before going home at around 3pm something.
During the drive, i am very thankful that it wasn't too sunny during the time i was driving, around noon, the time that the sun would be really strong. It was raining. or if it wasn't, the clouds were out. For me, this is a good thing because it was be easier for my eyes. i always squint because of glare caused by light, whether it be due to headlights or sunlight. And yes, silently, i thanked God or the One for making it easier and more comfortable for me to drive.
As always, i am pretty self-conscious of myself and my thoughts, especially my thoughts. Whether i am walking by, driving(i know, it is unsafe to think too much of other things while driving. but driving helps me focus, and in a short while, my thoughts concentrate on driving and observing my surroundings while driving.), talking and whatever else i do, i always "keep track" of my thoughts.
At one point, while walking towards the washroom in the restaurant, i would smile at the people around me that had eye contact with me. "People do welcome a smile...", a friend reminded me. For me, it also meant being good to myself, and not being afraid to be myself and smile if i want to, to be happy of who i am and to be confident. At another time, at the intersection stopped by the stoplight, there was this guy that was wiping the car's windshield and windows to "earn" a living, receiving alms from people. I gave that guy 10 pesos, thinking that he would move on to the next car. He kept on wiping the windows until he finished wiping all the windows even after i moved the car forward a little. I said, "i won't give him any more." but actually, after he finished, he just moved away. I then found myself uttering a wish/blessing/prayer for him: that he be given what he needs - nourishment for heart, mind, and soul, as well as for his material and physical needs, and that he receives enough for his lifetime and not ask for more(be content and not be greedy).
During our stop at McDonalds, i observed my dad and my grandfather. Father and son have a distance, and i can liken it to the way it is to our situation right now (father and daughter/father and children). While my grandfather went on and on talking about stuff from one topic to another, my dad just "listened" and showed signs that he was not really listening. It's like he doesn't know what to talk about anymore, and is just "listening" out of respect. I felt "bad" when he talks to me instead of talking or just focusing his attention to my grandfather. on my side, i would want to talk and just talk to my dad, but then he wouldn't want to listen at all and would only like brief, concise, succinct descriptions. And when we children don't feel like talking, he would feel like talking. The lines of communications have been sort of blocked by choice. What came into mind at that time was that his inability to talk with his dad, and how it is, in some way, the same way with us towards him or him towards us. i wonder if we have to always do things out of respect even if we are not happy about it and end up showing signs of disrespect, instead of doing things that we mean and we are really happy and sincere doing for the person. Or to do things that we are happy in doing for ourselves, living our own lives yet still living and coexisting with others in this world, without disrespecting another, in the broader sense and deeper meaning of the word "respect" with regard to ourselves, to the world and to all else that are interconnected with us. Why is it so hard to be real, to be honest, to be us?
The Past, the Present, and the Future. It was nice how it was said in Hallmark Channel, "Sometimes we have to go back and make sense of the Past during the Present to be able to move on into the Future." and the other day, the thought of accepting our roots as part of who we are - we are from these, a part of our past, and whatever we do, it will be part of us. We should not be afraid of it - it made us who we are now, and it makes us who we want to be, and we all want to be a better me not just for ourselves but also for the world because we all contribute to the world at large.
Something along these lines of thoughts... :D
a global family... people who are our family around the world, even if we are not related by blood at all, but related because of genuine love and respect for each other. They are everywhere, if we open ourselves to the beauty and goodness of this world. Not just in this dimension/plane, but also in the other places where they exist.
It is official, no work for November 1(Thursday & All Saint's Day) and for Nov. 2(Friday & All Soul's Day). November 3(Saturday - my turn for day-off, YES!). So yes, it is a pretty long weekend for me.
Anyway, i woke up at 8am and immediately went online. i was just actually waiting until sometime before 11am. I was my dad and my granddad's driver for the day. We first went off to have lunch at Gloria Maris in Greenhills and just drove the whole afternoon - to go past Luneta, going to Cavite, and then back, to Fort Bonifacio(just to buy Krispy Kreme Doughnuts), and then stopping by the Examiner Branch of McDonalds for some coffee, hot chocolate, milkshake and fries before going home at around 3pm something.
During the drive, i am very thankful that it wasn't too sunny during the time i was driving, around noon, the time that the sun would be really strong. It was raining. or if it wasn't, the clouds were out. For me, this is a good thing because it was be easier for my eyes. i always squint because of glare caused by light, whether it be due to headlights or sunlight. And yes, silently, i thanked God or the One for making it easier and more comfortable for me to drive.
As always, i am pretty self-conscious of myself and my thoughts, especially my thoughts. Whether i am walking by, driving(i know, it is unsafe to think too much of other things while driving. but driving helps me focus, and in a short while, my thoughts concentrate on driving and observing my surroundings while driving.), talking and whatever else i do, i always "keep track" of my thoughts.
At one point, while walking towards the washroom in the restaurant, i would smile at the people around me that had eye contact with me. "People do welcome a smile...", a friend reminded me. For me, it also meant being good to myself, and not being afraid to be myself and smile if i want to, to be happy of who i am and to be confident. At another time, at the intersection stopped by the stoplight, there was this guy that was wiping the car's windshield and windows to "earn" a living, receiving alms from people. I gave that guy 10 pesos, thinking that he would move on to the next car. He kept on wiping the windows until he finished wiping all the windows even after i moved the car forward a little. I said, "i won't give him any more." but actually, after he finished, he just moved away. I then found myself uttering a wish/blessing/prayer for him: that he be given what he needs - nourishment for heart, mind, and soul, as well as for his material and physical needs, and that he receives enough for his lifetime and not ask for more(be content and not be greedy).
During our stop at McDonalds, i observed my dad and my grandfather. Father and son have a distance, and i can liken it to the way it is to our situation right now (father and daughter/father and children). While my grandfather went on and on talking about stuff from one topic to another, my dad just "listened" and showed signs that he was not really listening. It's like he doesn't know what to talk about anymore, and is just "listening" out of respect. I felt "bad" when he talks to me instead of talking or just focusing his attention to my grandfather. on my side, i would want to talk and just talk to my dad, but then he wouldn't want to listen at all and would only like brief, concise, succinct descriptions. And when we children don't feel like talking, he would feel like talking. The lines of communications have been sort of blocked by choice. What came into mind at that time was that his inability to talk with his dad, and how it is, in some way, the same way with us towards him or him towards us. i wonder if we have to always do things out of respect even if we are not happy about it and end up showing signs of disrespect, instead of doing things that we mean and we are really happy and sincere doing for the person. Or to do things that we are happy in doing for ourselves, living our own lives yet still living and coexisting with others in this world, without disrespecting another, in the broader sense and deeper meaning of the word "respect" with regard to ourselves, to the world and to all else that are interconnected with us. Why is it so hard to be real, to be honest, to be us?
The Past, the Present, and the Future. It was nice how it was said in Hallmark Channel, "Sometimes we have to go back and make sense of the Past during the Present to be able to move on into the Future." and the other day, the thought of accepting our roots as part of who we are - we are from these, a part of our past, and whatever we do, it will be part of us. We should not be afraid of it - it made us who we are now, and it makes us who we want to be, and we all want to be a better me not just for ourselves but also for the world because we all contribute to the world at large.
Something along these lines of thoughts... :D
a global family... people who are our family around the world, even if we are not related by blood at all, but related because of genuine love and respect for each other. They are everywhere, if we open ourselves to the beauty and goodness of this world. Not just in this dimension/plane, but also in the other places where they exist.
Monday, October 29, 2007
sacred timing...
and then safe but big accidental damage to the car i was driving today, at home, while parking, during the morning....
i wonder: are they interconnected? since all things and our lives are interconnected.
i wonder if i can even fathom to understand the depths of the truths of our universe.
just a thought.
and then safe but big accidental damage to the car i was driving today, at home, while parking, during the morning....
i wonder: are they interconnected? since all things and our lives are interconnected.
i wonder if i can even fathom to understand the depths of the truths of our universe.
just a thought.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
there are just so many things in life that open your eyes, your mind, your heart and your soul to a range of things and experiences, especially if you truly let them permeate through you as you open your heart to these experiences.
i actually took this day off as a personal leave to accompany my dad for a doctor's check-up. He wasn't feeling well - dizziness and vomiting - since monday. anyway, it was also a good idea for me since i still have this headache a whole week long. it felt great to just wake up later than usual and stay at home. I wondered, "will i ever get a job that would allow me to work from home, at my own time?" Hehe :) i'm pretty sure there are.
i am invited to stay over at Laguna for an evening. but how to get there is the problem since my dad doesn't agree with me driving there myself, even with a companion. i would really want to drive somewhere on my own. but anyway, what's more important is that i get there. so if i would need to borrow our driver for those two days, well, i guess it wouldn't be a bad idea. and i wouldn't even have to tire myself driving. of course, the experience of driving and getting there alone or with my friend, would be the best experience. :) but in a way, i am glad that i didn't push the idea too much. told myself, " i will just wait and see." i also emailed my friend about it - been too idealistic and over-optimistic. but i still hope that i'll be allowed to. :)
yes, i live too much in my mental world, as the outside world i see around me passes me by. i take note of them - really - well, most of them i guess. and experiences are kept deeply in my heart and mind, especially those that i treasure so. :)
i actually took this day off as a personal leave to accompany my dad for a doctor's check-up. He wasn't feeling well - dizziness and vomiting - since monday. anyway, it was also a good idea for me since i still have this headache a whole week long. it felt great to just wake up later than usual and stay at home. I wondered, "will i ever get a job that would allow me to work from home, at my own time?" Hehe :) i'm pretty sure there are.
i am invited to stay over at Laguna for an evening. but how to get there is the problem since my dad doesn't agree with me driving there myself, even with a companion. i would really want to drive somewhere on my own. but anyway, what's more important is that i get there. so if i would need to borrow our driver for those two days, well, i guess it wouldn't be a bad idea. and i wouldn't even have to tire myself driving. of course, the experience of driving and getting there alone or with my friend, would be the best experience. :) but in a way, i am glad that i didn't push the idea too much. told myself, " i will just wait and see." i also emailed my friend about it - been too idealistic and over-optimistic. but i still hope that i'll be allowed to. :)
yes, i live too much in my mental world, as the outside world i see around me passes me by. i take note of them - really - well, most of them i guess. and experiences are kept deeply in my heart and mind, especially those that i treasure so. :)
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Things i still want to do in my lifetime
1. travel travel travel
2. watch the stars in the night sky(got to get a telescope first, for stargazing)
3. write
4. go for long drives to far off places, either alone or with someone special.
5. learn to cook (i do want to... though i like to eat better)
6. to get back the innocence of being a child - the child in me
7. to have faith in something bigger in me and in the world around us
8. to try more things (food, etc -> new experiences)
9. to own my own place somewhere remote
10. to laugh some more
11. to make more people laugh and feel good
12. take good pictures
13. be with nature... the sea, the sun, the forest, the falls, the rivers....
14. ah, own my car
15. have my own library
16. have a book i have written published in my lifetime(!?!)
17. be more open, meet new people
18. have fun
19. smile
20. enjoy being me - no more hiding
21. have my own movie theater
22. save a life or two - or the world if i can (there's nothing wrong about dreaming.)
23. my poems into music lyrics (yes, let's dream.)
24. to feel at peace with myself - my decisions, my feelings
25. ...
i'm pretty sure there are something else that i just can't think of right now. :)
2. watch the stars in the night sky(got to get a telescope first, for stargazing)
3. write
4. go for long drives to far off places, either alone or with someone special.
5. learn to cook (i do want to... though i like to eat better)
6. to get back the innocence of being a child - the child in me
7. to have faith in something bigger in me and in the world around us
8. to try more things (food, etc -> new experiences)
9. to own my own place somewhere remote
10. to laugh some more
11. to make more people laugh and feel good
12. take good pictures
13. be with nature... the sea, the sun, the forest, the falls, the rivers....
14. ah, own my car
15. have my own library
16. have a book i have written published in my lifetime(!?!)
17. be more open, meet new people
18. have fun
19. smile
20. enjoy being me - no more hiding
21. have my own movie theater
22. save a life or two - or the world if i can (there's nothing wrong about dreaming.)
23. my poems into music lyrics (yes, let's dream.)
24. to feel at peace with myself - my decisions, my feelings
25. ...
i'm pretty sure there are something else that i just can't think of right now. :)
Sunday, September 02, 2007
yup, just a change in the template. nothing quite radical, of course, something i wish i could just do in my life. but yeah, rushing into things was never really my thing, unless i really wanted it.
write write write.... should i continue writing? i know i should. yet i guess i always stopped myself from writing whatever is in my mind, since i always think of my audience. will it click? etc etc etc... i mean, i know that writing should express who i am, but i guess, i just always wondered if people will even want to read it. or is it because i am just not "putting it out there", that's why nobody is reading? well, i guess i'll never know unless i try it out. actually, just a while ago, and whiles ago, i would have an idea to write about, but then i would always put it off until i finally end up not really wanting to write about it or do it at all anymore. i guess it goes with other stuff that i actually want to do but end up putting off because i think too much about it. there, i've said it as well.... thinking... makes me put off what i want to do.
like at this very moment, i am having a drink. yes, a drink. if it were and is another time, i guess i would have put it off. i want to drink, nothing wrong with that. and am home. nobody to hurt. just me relaxing, watching, blogging... right? right. and here i am, right in front of the computer, typing away, trying to finish this awful tasting 2005 Shiraz Cabernet that was brought home. well, actually, i guess i am trying to make it not sound that bad, but well, it's not really that bad, it just tastes bland, as i commented the first time i tasted it. although drinking it now, well, i just wanted to drink it because i want to drink something. i just felt like drinking something. good or bad, guess i can't really choose right now, can i? of course, it also means that i'll try finishing this glass that i poured for myself. i wonder why i decided to still pour myself one even if i knew how it tasted... ahh... i was thinking of adding something special, to spike it up... but sadly, i can't really get to that special stuff right now.... so, next time, i guess.
hmmm... typing about this now... i think i am trying to be "out".... being bold. probably i can do so as well because i know that only a selected few will be taking the time reading is. and i guess some occasional "visitors" who would happen to chance upon my blog. but other than that, my blog is almost virtually non-existent to the world at large.
anyway.... drink i shall... and then watch something like Miami Ink, as i wait to get my room back by midnight.
write write write.... should i continue writing? i know i should. yet i guess i always stopped myself from writing whatever is in my mind, since i always think of my audience. will it click? etc etc etc... i mean, i know that writing should express who i am, but i guess, i just always wondered if people will even want to read it. or is it because i am just not "putting it out there", that's why nobody is reading? well, i guess i'll never know unless i try it out. actually, just a while ago, and whiles ago, i would have an idea to write about, but then i would always put it off until i finally end up not really wanting to write about it or do it at all anymore. i guess it goes with other stuff that i actually want to do but end up putting off because i think too much about it. there, i've said it as well.... thinking... makes me put off what i want to do.
like at this very moment, i am having a drink. yes, a drink. if it were and is another time, i guess i would have put it off. i want to drink, nothing wrong with that. and am home. nobody to hurt. just me relaxing, watching, blogging... right? right. and here i am, right in front of the computer, typing away, trying to finish this awful tasting 2005 Shiraz Cabernet that was brought home. well, actually, i guess i am trying to make it not sound that bad, but well, it's not really that bad, it just tastes bland, as i commented the first time i tasted it. although drinking it now, well, i just wanted to drink it because i want to drink something. i just felt like drinking something. good or bad, guess i can't really choose right now, can i? of course, it also means that i'll try finishing this glass that i poured for myself. i wonder why i decided to still pour myself one even if i knew how it tasted... ahh... i was thinking of adding something special, to spike it up... but sadly, i can't really get to that special stuff right now.... so, next time, i guess.
hmmm... typing about this now... i think i am trying to be "out".... being bold. probably i can do so as well because i know that only a selected few will be taking the time reading is. and i guess some occasional "visitors" who would happen to chance upon my blog. but other than that, my blog is almost virtually non-existent to the world at large.
anyway.... drink i shall... and then watch something like Miami Ink, as i wait to get my room back by midnight.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I wonder, what have been doing all my life? I seem to shift from one place to another, figuratively, yet not really "moving" anywhere. Am still the same. The funny thing is, i want to change for the better, yet i can't even let go of the things that i know i have to let go off, like fear, jealousy and a lot more. You also have to add to the list that i can't even accept who i am. I continuously hide who i am. I say all these things, knowing all these stuff about how i am right now, yet i still haven't done anything right, even just for myself.
I have all these thoughts, all these feelings. I don't want to lose myself, yet am losing something of myself anyway. If it's not sanity, then it's peace of mind, inner peace. I would always have a reason or justification ready, or some thought that i think would explain it. and the list just goes on and on. In the end, are all of these my problems? Can i even get over and change all these in me in this lifetime? Might as well just erase myself from the face of the earth, from the memory of time and space. Yet i guess that wouldn't happen. I guess it can, if i really wished to be invisible and stayed invisible, hiding in obscurity and in anonymity. But then i know that a part of me would definitely still look for that connection to the world, even if just through one person. If i don't find it in me, of course i'll look at it from others. Where else, right? But what do i really see in myself? i see me as somebody always afraid, unwilling to make any changes because it would "turn my world" upside down, even if everything in me is already chaotic and that turning it upside down wouldn't really matter. I wanted to find a path to just follow i guess. i am good at following instructions anyway. But i guess even if i asked for it, i wouldn't be given it at all - i have to find it myself, but letting it come to me. and i am just so damn impatient. I want to change now. If i am to lose myself, might as well now, in the blink of an eye. but yes, be careful what you wish for, be extra careful...
I say that i am not afraid of being alone. Am i sure about that? then why don't i want to be alone? why do i want to be always with you?
i don't really feel that sad, but still sad. It feels colder. I guess when it's already empty, you have nothing else to look at except at yourself. You'll have to focus on yourself.
I just don't know what i should do anymore. I don't know if i am feeling right anymore. I don't know if i am still in my mind anymore. I don't know... all i know is i don't know, even if a part of me wishes to say that it does know. Even if a part of me fights to exist, to keep on saying that i do know, and leads me over and over again into thinking and into suffering all these emotions and fears that leads me nowhere, that drives me mad in anger and jealousy, in doubt, clouding my mind and my heart from the things that i really want to do. I've become the slave of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears. and i give in too easily, especially when fail...
I have all these thoughts, all these feelings. I don't want to lose myself, yet am losing something of myself anyway. If it's not sanity, then it's peace of mind, inner peace. I would always have a reason or justification ready, or some thought that i think would explain it. and the list just goes on and on. In the end, are all of these my problems? Can i even get over and change all these in me in this lifetime? Might as well just erase myself from the face of the earth, from the memory of time and space. Yet i guess that wouldn't happen. I guess it can, if i really wished to be invisible and stayed invisible, hiding in obscurity and in anonymity. But then i know that a part of me would definitely still look for that connection to the world, even if just through one person. If i don't find it in me, of course i'll look at it from others. Where else, right? But what do i really see in myself? i see me as somebody always afraid, unwilling to make any changes because it would "turn my world" upside down, even if everything in me is already chaotic and that turning it upside down wouldn't really matter. I wanted to find a path to just follow i guess. i am good at following instructions anyway. But i guess even if i asked for it, i wouldn't be given it at all - i have to find it myself, but letting it come to me. and i am just so damn impatient. I want to change now. If i am to lose myself, might as well now, in the blink of an eye. but yes, be careful what you wish for, be extra careful...
I say that i am not afraid of being alone. Am i sure about that? then why don't i want to be alone? why do i want to be always with you?
i don't really feel that sad, but still sad. It feels colder. I guess when it's already empty, you have nothing else to look at except at yourself. You'll have to focus on yourself.
I just don't know what i should do anymore. I don't know if i am feeling right anymore. I don't know if i am still in my mind anymore. I don't know... all i know is i don't know, even if a part of me wishes to say that it does know. Even if a part of me fights to exist, to keep on saying that i do know, and leads me over and over again into thinking and into suffering all these emotions and fears that leads me nowhere, that drives me mad in anger and jealousy, in doubt, clouding my mind and my heart from the things that i really want to do. I've become the slave of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears. and i give in too easily, especially when fail...
Monday, August 20, 2007
every morning i wake up,
I just want to close my eyes again,
resisting the awareness
of leaving the dream reality.
i can now finally see
the deep empty hole inside of me.
the black hole that we speak of,
the hole that i tried to cover.
I am not falling anymore
Yet it is so empty
I am in the middle of it all
yes, alone.
I want to feel the hurt and pain instead,
To drown and find release.
Feeling lost even with a direction,
Just wanting to run away.
I tell myself,
"why do i have to face it without you..."
I know the answer,
Yet i still can't accept it.
I was blind or rather oblivious back then
A part of me would give some to get that back.
Yet the degree of consciousness and awareness that you've shown and open me to,
that now makes more things seem so real,
that just makes it more imperative to face all these me,
I don't want to let go.
trying to patch the hole in me
Yet all my efforts go in vain.
Losing myself
slipping away
sliding back to where i once was
to go back to how i used to be,
or to change and go forward an unknown path,
should i face this now?
am i just fooling myself?
it's all in my head.
but can i fool my heart?
i guess i can as well.
true in my love?
true to you and me?
true to world?
i don't know.
i don't know where i stand anymore,
or do i?
I just want to close my eyes again,
resisting the awareness
of leaving the dream reality.
i can now finally see
the deep empty hole inside of me.
the black hole that we speak of,
the hole that i tried to cover.
I am not falling anymore
Yet it is so empty
I am in the middle of it all
yes, alone.
I want to feel the hurt and pain instead,
To drown and find release.
Feeling lost even with a direction,
Just wanting to run away.
I tell myself,
"why do i have to face it without you..."
I know the answer,
Yet i still can't accept it.
I was blind or rather oblivious back then
A part of me would give some to get that back.
Yet the degree of consciousness and awareness that you've shown and open me to,
that now makes more things seem so real,
that just makes it more imperative to face all these me,
I don't want to let go.
trying to patch the hole in me
Yet all my efforts go in vain.
Losing myself
slipping away
sliding back to where i once was
to go back to how i used to be,
or to change and go forward an unknown path,
should i face this now?
am i just fooling myself?
it's all in my head.
but can i fool my heart?
i guess i can as well.
true in my love?
true to you and me?
true to world?
i don't know.
i don't know where i stand anymore,
or do i?
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Pushing,
grasping,
yet still stuck in place.
swirling round and round
and back where i started.
now confused,
now lost.
more knowledge,
more data or information.
could be trash,
could be useful.
i don't know anymore.
nowhere nearer
to where i want and wish to be.
still trying to reach deep inside,
still holding out my arms.
heart shouting out,
with mouth clasped shut.
mind filling up with thoughts,
conscious, aware,
i am drowning in it,
swept by tides and waves of it.
where else can i go?
where and how else can i flow?
hold them in?
repress them?
suppress them?
all three don't work that well.
i'm about to burst!
run away?
they'll still be with me.
where am i to go?!
face them?
and i'll end up doing all of the above.
i said i won't.
i said i will not do it.
yet here i am again.
doing it again.
bam bam bam
bang my head!
bum bum bum
fists hit the wall!
boom boom boom
screams my heart and mind!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
grasping,
yet still stuck in place.
swirling round and round
and back where i started.
now confused,
now lost.
more knowledge,
more data or information.
could be trash,
could be useful.
i don't know anymore.
nowhere nearer
to where i want and wish to be.
still trying to reach deep inside,
still holding out my arms.
heart shouting out,
with mouth clasped shut.
mind filling up with thoughts,
conscious, aware,
i am drowning in it,
swept by tides and waves of it.
where else can i go?
where and how else can i flow?
hold them in?
repress them?
suppress them?
all three don't work that well.
i'm about to burst!
run away?
they'll still be with me.
where am i to go?!
face them?
and i'll end up doing all of the above.
i said i won't.
i said i will not do it.
yet here i am again.
doing it again.
bam bam bam
bang my head!
bum bum bum
fists hit the wall!
boom boom boom
screams my heart and mind!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
haha :) i suddenly changed my mind about going out... too tired after giving Diane a bath. watched tv instead - Nickelodeon's Avatar(nice cartoon actually, a lot of New Age stuff in there). and i just found it so nice outside, with the strong breeze and the blue sky, oh, and the sunset. :) i went and sat for a while outside, and relaxed myself, until i was bitten by an ant and went in to get a bath. :) haha :)
so much fear in me. i just realized that i am afraid that my feelings are wrong, and that i can't face my feelings. i mean, why the need to remember stuff, to rationalize, to analyze past events, memories, and possible future results? i just wanted to know that my feelings are valid, that they are okay. i want to be sure that i am feeling right and not feeling incorrectly. yet is there really a good and a bad way in feeling stuff? i can't even stand up for myself and for what i feel deep inside. i think about what i feel and only talk about it to people that i know can help me understand it, and at the same time tell me that my feelings are okay, that they are not bad, that they're not wrong, that they're okay, and that they are valid feelings. but most of the time, i just hide all these in me. right now, i think i am trying to analyze/rationalize what i am feeling and thinking....
anyway... :)
so much fear in me. i just realized that i am afraid that my feelings are wrong, and that i can't face my feelings. i mean, why the need to remember stuff, to rationalize, to analyze past events, memories, and possible future results? i just wanted to know that my feelings are valid, that they are okay. i want to be sure that i am feeling right and not feeling incorrectly. yet is there really a good and a bad way in feeling stuff? i can't even stand up for myself and for what i feel deep inside. i think about what i feel and only talk about it to people that i know can help me understand it, and at the same time tell me that my feelings are okay, that they are not bad, that they're not wrong, that they're okay, and that they are valid feelings. but most of the time, i just hide all these in me. right now, i think i am trying to analyze/rationalize what i am feeling and thinking....
anyway... :)
Yes, my mind has been doing some walking again today. I just went to the boxing gym this morning... and oh boy, was my mind working out as well. Well, i wasn't able to breathe well. I mean, i ate breakfast - i make sure i do before i go for a "workout". plus, i made sure that it wasn't a heavy one and just so that i'll have enough energy. I arrived there an hour after eating. i actually just took things slowly. well, guess this is just one of those weeks. and anyway, i didn't go for the last three times (1st, wasn't feeling well. 2nd, had to go out with family. 3rd, it was raining this past few days, and it was so cold and comfortable just to stay at home. yeah, you caught me. :) ) i really must wake up early, walk the treadmill and do so ab exercises. i mean, really must.... do it instead of telling myself, "but i want to sleep some more..." and then going back to sleep. hehe :)
will be giving our little dog a bath later, and then, i'll be watching ratatouille(?) later. :) [am too lazy to check for the correct spelling.] i kinda want to go out alone, you see. but for my mom, it's like, "you crazy? nobody watches a movie alone. you're very *******." and then they left already. but what the heck, am still going out. i've been "mean" to myself, always fighting with myself. i'm my own worst critic. haha :) always have been. :)
last night, watched some parts of the movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on Star Movies. i want to write. :) just write. :) and go into all those realms that we can't reach in our waking life. :) i wonder if i'll be able to write something like that. :) i dream. :) yes, it's my dream. :) no problem dreaming, as long as you don't get attached to it and feel disappointed and lost when you don't get to reach it at all. i am so impatient. very impatient, with a twisted idea of the world giving me what i want now, but the thing is, it just doesn't work that way especially if somebody else is involved. free will... we do... i am just afraid to use it most of the time - afraid that i'll make life harder for myself because i didn't do it as my parents would have wanted it, because it wouldn't look good. At times, i could manage to say, "who cares?", and it would feel good. but most of the time, especially at those moments when it would mean a lot to stand by my own, i end up just leaving myself alone and letting what others think and what my fears make me to believe dictate and affect my decisions.
i am pushing again. i just wanna change, now. i said that i want to take things slowly, but the thing is, i want my results now, fast. haha :) i'm a contradiction. :) yet i don't know how to really deal with it. run or face it. :) been "running" all my life. been depending on another or looking out for another more than i should be looking out for myself. i know that i have been running all my life. now, i tell myself, face it. i still end up having the feeling to run again. I'm stuck, again.
crazy... me.... :) but i wish i really am so that i just wouldn't care and just "live". :) my mind.... :) my heart... :) i don't know. :) i want to face myself, yet can't really (and somewhat don't want to) face myself.... it just hurts... it's just hard.... i don't want to suffer, yet i am suffering right now... suffering in a different way... much better off than others, but suffering in my own world....
will be giving our little dog a bath later, and then, i'll be watching ratatouille(?) later. :) [am too lazy to check for the correct spelling.] i kinda want to go out alone, you see. but for my mom, it's like, "you crazy? nobody watches a movie alone. you're very *******." and then they left already. but what the heck, am still going out. i've been "mean" to myself, always fighting with myself. i'm my own worst critic. haha :) always have been. :)
last night, watched some parts of the movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on Star Movies. i want to write. :) just write. :) and go into all those realms that we can't reach in our waking life. :) i wonder if i'll be able to write something like that. :) i dream. :) yes, it's my dream. :) no problem dreaming, as long as you don't get attached to it and feel disappointed and lost when you don't get to reach it at all. i am so impatient. very impatient, with a twisted idea of the world giving me what i want now, but the thing is, it just doesn't work that way especially if somebody else is involved. free will... we do... i am just afraid to use it most of the time - afraid that i'll make life harder for myself because i didn't do it as my parents would have wanted it, because it wouldn't look good. At times, i could manage to say, "who cares?", and it would feel good. but most of the time, especially at those moments when it would mean a lot to stand by my own, i end up just leaving myself alone and letting what others think and what my fears make me to believe dictate and affect my decisions.
i am pushing again. i just wanna change, now. i said that i want to take things slowly, but the thing is, i want my results now, fast. haha :) i'm a contradiction. :) yet i don't know how to really deal with it. run or face it. :) been "running" all my life. been depending on another or looking out for another more than i should be looking out for myself. i know that i have been running all my life. now, i tell myself, face it. i still end up having the feeling to run again. I'm stuck, again.
crazy... me.... :) but i wish i really am so that i just wouldn't care and just "live". :) my mind.... :) my heart... :) i don't know. :) i want to face myself, yet can't really (and somewhat don't want to) face myself.... it just hurts... it's just hard.... i don't want to suffer, yet i am suffering right now... suffering in a different way... much better off than others, but suffering in my own world....
Thursday, August 09, 2007
the world that i see, is the world that has you in it....
the world that i fear, if you leave, would crumble and cease to exist.
a world surrounding you
a world just for you
a world i limit myself too
a world familiar and comfortable
a world the two of us share.
a world that i forgot also existing within this bigger world.
a world where the two of us also exist at other worlds
the world that i fear, if you leave, would crumble and cease to exist.
a world surrounding you
a world just for you
a world i limit myself too
a world familiar and comfortable
a world the two of us share.
a world that i forgot also existing within this bigger world.
a world where the two of us also exist at other worlds
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
If i could search from the world up high,
i'd search the world for you from the sky.
As i look up into the starless night,
i pray that you are well, safe, and happy.
Yet there is nothing i can do now
except to gaze up into the sky
hoping my heart's voice reaches you
from a distance, from afar.
You have loved not just one,
but so many,
and i am thankful
to be one of the many.
Truth be told,
you are gift from the universe,
different,
because you are you.
i might not know what i am talking about anymore.
probably i'm sleepy, probably i'm blue
but i just miss you
and that's all i can do.
i'd search the world for you from the sky.
As i look up into the starless night,
i pray that you are well, safe, and happy.
Yet there is nothing i can do now
except to gaze up into the sky
hoping my heart's voice reaches you
from a distance, from afar.
You have loved not just one,
but so many,
and i am thankful
to be one of the many.
Truth be told,
you are gift from the universe,
different,
because you are you.
i might not know what i am talking about anymore.
probably i'm sleepy, probably i'm blue
but i just miss you
and that's all i can do.
Friday, August 03, 2007
New experiences in life... how do we remind ourselves of these and of what we learned from these? For me, all i know how is to write about it. I find it hard sharing it with people. some of them think i am going mad. at times, i guess i wish i can just go mad, just like *that*. i was like, "go mad over "this"?"
Good thing that i can smile about it right now. and it is a great thing that i am having a quiet mind right now. for the past few days, i had been riding the tide of extreme and intense emotion. the waves of thoughts that crash through me, made me more confused as i struggle to be free and to get to firm land - a sense of equilibrium - as i try to reach out to anything that i can get a hold on. Even sleep eluded me, coming to me only when i am too worn out to fight anymore.
Imagine feeling every heartbeat as fear rushes through you. Emotion, just like a living hell, spreading the unpleasant burning feeling in your chest, consuming you. You twist and turn from side to side, hoping to find rest, hoping to find release and escape, yet, nothing. All you can do was try to survive it, to live through it, as it devoured you and your soul, pushing you down and down.
Yes, i must be crazy. You know very well that i do want to go crazy.
Good thing that i can smile about it right now. and it is a great thing that i am having a quiet mind right now. for the past few days, i had been riding the tide of extreme and intense emotion. the waves of thoughts that crash through me, made me more confused as i struggle to be free and to get to firm land - a sense of equilibrium - as i try to reach out to anything that i can get a hold on. Even sleep eluded me, coming to me only when i am too worn out to fight anymore.
Imagine feeling every heartbeat as fear rushes through you. Emotion, just like a living hell, spreading the unpleasant burning feeling in your chest, consuming you. You twist and turn from side to side, hoping to find rest, hoping to find release and escape, yet, nothing. All you can do was try to survive it, to live through it, as it devoured you and your soul, pushing you down and down.
Yes, i must be crazy. You know very well that i do want to go crazy.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
My mind is literally turning into goo.... I am so sleepy... The day is so slow... Or i guess there's still 3 hours more to go...
I do my best to keep myself busy. But when i saw what i have to read, i was like, "Again... Translating them in my mind... Grace, wake up! Do something!" But when i look at it, my mind goes blank, *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*, just as if my heart stopped beating and my brainwaves ceased to exist.
It's nice and quiet. I'm alone. I'm tempted to sleep. I'm tempted to read something else. I'm tempted to leave early. In short, I'm tempted to do something else. I need inspiration, i need to push myself to do something, ehem, productive. Yet as you can see....
Just a few days ago, i was filled with discontent. I was sad/depressed, whatever you can call it, and i just can't wait for the day to end so that i can unwind and rest my heart and mind from all my complaints in this life. Of course, the truth is, you can either carry it all day or just let it go fly off somewhere else. For me, it comes and goes as it pleases... And i can let it be at times, but usually, i'll end up thinking about it, as i stare out onto space, at moving objects and a variety of other visually catchy things, especially in my memories - sucked back into my own world in my own mind.
I pound against the walls. The spring of emotion continues to gush all sorts of feelings in me. There is no way for it to get out. It seems to overflow. Full, to the brim. How do you open up? In my silence, i try to push that stream of emotion yet all it does is aggravate things and the more the emotions push back at me. I feel heavy, from feeling full. I just want to smash my head so that they can all come trickling or gushing out. It doesn't matter how fast, as long as they get out. My heart cries, yet no tears flow from my eyes.
If only i can tear myself into two so that i can fly away into the sky. Into the eternal blue expanse. I've always enjoyed the feeling of flying in peace, of riding horses that gallop fast and the wind passing through me. Such a peaceful feeling. Have you ever tried sitting alone in silence, and letting the passing breeze caress your face? The sound of the wind seems to whisper silently, helping you rest, lulling you into sleep. If we can just take time to do so.
I'm still here... Sitting by the computer.... Looking at the reading stuff again.... and time seemed to only move by a fraction of 6 minutes....
What the heck... back to "work"...
I do my best to keep myself busy. But when i saw what i have to read, i was like, "Again... Translating them in my mind... Grace, wake up! Do something!" But when i look at it, my mind goes blank, *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*, just as if my heart stopped beating and my brainwaves ceased to exist.
It's nice and quiet. I'm alone. I'm tempted to sleep. I'm tempted to read something else. I'm tempted to leave early. In short, I'm tempted to do something else. I need inspiration, i need to push myself to do something, ehem, productive. Yet as you can see....
Just a few days ago, i was filled with discontent. I was sad/depressed, whatever you can call it, and i just can't wait for the day to end so that i can unwind and rest my heart and mind from all my complaints in this life. Of course, the truth is, you can either carry it all day or just let it go fly off somewhere else. For me, it comes and goes as it pleases... And i can let it be at times, but usually, i'll end up thinking about it, as i stare out onto space, at moving objects and a variety of other visually catchy things, especially in my memories - sucked back into my own world in my own mind.
I pound against the walls. The spring of emotion continues to gush all sorts of feelings in me. There is no way for it to get out. It seems to overflow. Full, to the brim. How do you open up? In my silence, i try to push that stream of emotion yet all it does is aggravate things and the more the emotions push back at me. I feel heavy, from feeling full. I just want to smash my head so that they can all come trickling or gushing out. It doesn't matter how fast, as long as they get out. My heart cries, yet no tears flow from my eyes.
If only i can tear myself into two so that i can fly away into the sky. Into the eternal blue expanse. I've always enjoyed the feeling of flying in peace, of riding horses that gallop fast and the wind passing through me. Such a peaceful feeling. Have you ever tried sitting alone in silence, and letting the passing breeze caress your face? The sound of the wind seems to whisper silently, helping you rest, lulling you into sleep. If we can just take time to do so.
I'm still here... Sitting by the computer.... Looking at the reading stuff again.... and time seemed to only move by a fraction of 6 minutes....
What the heck... back to "work"...
Monday, July 16, 2007
Hmmm... a thought just came into mind. isn't there something like you'll know what a person is like base on their trash or the stuff they collect? Hmmm... how about me? :) hehe :) i mean, it just shows a part of oneself, and not a whole picture of a person.
this thought came into mind when i was checking my gmail account, and remembered that i have like 400 something Chicken Soup stories sent through email that i don't even take time to read anymore, but i don't delete them either. Haha :) it seems like trash, but i just can't make myself to delete them yet. :)
Let's see, over the years i have collected books, notebooks, pens(used up - yeah, i don't know why.), stuffed toys(for sentimental reasons, but i gave most of them away just a year back - whatever my heart can stand to let go), paper that i have written stuff on (for obvious reasons - though i don't know where i kept most of them), coins(by year, by denomination, and depends on the country, and if i have the "supply".), CDs(classical and anime), VCDs/DVDs(anime and movies), stuff/memorabilia that have some significance to me because it reminds me of someone special to me or some special event (though i wonder if i will always remember). I'm pretty sure i have a lot of other stuff "stuffed" somewhere else that i have forgotten about. :) hehe :) oh, and stuff that i find while "cleaning out my closet" and decided to keep but ended up keeping for another long period of time, forgotten until the next cleaning. :) haha :) but these are the most obvious ones that i do see of in myself. :) for others they may be considered trash, but not for me. :) well, that's how i think. :)
i wonder - where does this "blog" stand? :) hehe :) i believe i have hundreds of entries here by now (really, grace?) :) hehe :)
of course, we wouldn't be obviously looking at other people's stuff (yeah, their trash is still their stuff until at the garbage dump). But i would always end up observing - i don't mind taking the time to do so. :) i already think a lot anyway. :) hehe :) for me, observing is sort of something that i do naturally. Of course, it's selective observation. it's my quirk, and we all have that. :) hehe :) of course, why observe something you don't have interest in? :) there are just some things that other people notice but just goes by me, and vice versa. :) so when somebody points something particular to me that i wasn't really looking at, i'm like, "what? where?", and it will take me some time (like forever) until i find it or i'll just give up and let it go.
this thought came into mind when i was checking my gmail account, and remembered that i have like 400 something Chicken Soup stories sent through email that i don't even take time to read anymore, but i don't delete them either. Haha :) it seems like trash, but i just can't make myself to delete them yet. :)
Let's see, over the years i have collected books, notebooks, pens(used up - yeah, i don't know why.), stuffed toys(for sentimental reasons, but i gave most of them away just a year back - whatever my heart can stand to let go), paper that i have written stuff on (for obvious reasons - though i don't know where i kept most of them), coins(by year, by denomination, and depends on the country, and if i have the "supply".), CDs(classical and anime), VCDs/DVDs(anime and movies), stuff/memorabilia that have some significance to me because it reminds me of someone special to me or some special event (though i wonder if i will always remember). I'm pretty sure i have a lot of other stuff "stuffed" somewhere else that i have forgotten about. :) hehe :) oh, and stuff that i find while "cleaning out my closet" and decided to keep but ended up keeping for another long period of time, forgotten until the next cleaning. :) haha :) but these are the most obvious ones that i do see of in myself. :) for others they may be considered trash, but not for me. :) well, that's how i think. :)
i wonder - where does this "blog" stand? :) hehe :) i believe i have hundreds of entries here by now (really, grace?) :) hehe :)
of course, we wouldn't be obviously looking at other people's stuff (yeah, their trash is still their stuff until at the garbage dump). But i would always end up observing - i don't mind taking the time to do so. :) i already think a lot anyway. :) hehe :) for me, observing is sort of something that i do naturally. Of course, it's selective observation. it's my quirk, and we all have that. :) hehe :) of course, why observe something you don't have interest in? :) there are just some things that other people notice but just goes by me, and vice versa. :) so when somebody points something particular to me that i wasn't really looking at, i'm like, "what? where?", and it will take me some time (like forever) until i find it or i'll just give up and let it go.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
People say that i am open-minded,
yet why am i shut off to myself?
I say that i'll do something,
yet why do i always fail a little while after?
I think i am good with words,
Yet why don't i express what i have at heart?
I want to do things my own way,
Yet why am i afraid of what others will think of me?
I really love you,
but why do i make you feel uncomfortable?
yet why am i shut off to myself?
I say that i'll do something,
yet why do i always fail a little while after?
I think i am good with words,
Yet why don't i express what i have at heart?
I want to do things my own way,
Yet why am i afraid of what others will think of me?
I really love you,
but why do i make you feel uncomfortable?
Friday, July 13, 2007
I always feel "restless" whenever i don't do anything - like just watch tv. Tv cannot occupy my mind anymore, as it was able to do so before. Now, i can just turn it off, and i go looking for other ways to curb my thinking. Now, what can i do?
Blog.... hehe :) once i get to the computer, it's kinda hard to bring all those thoughts. they are there, for sure, but to say them out... haha :) their my own.... no need for you guys to know. :) hahaha :) or else i'll end up being paranoid again. :) ahahahha :) now, can you see? i'm going crazy! bwahahahahaha :)
setting that aside, i guess i'll just go read. it did help me calm down last night. :) though waking up early in the morning (4am) is something else - and it took me some time before i was able to go back to sleep.
Blog.... hehe :) once i get to the computer, it's kinda hard to bring all those thoughts. they are there, for sure, but to say them out... haha :) their my own.... no need for you guys to know. :) hahaha :) or else i'll end up being paranoid again. :) ahahahha :) now, can you see? i'm going crazy! bwahahahahaha :)
setting that aside, i guess i'll just go read. it did help me calm down last night. :) though waking up early in the morning (4am) is something else - and it took me some time before i was able to go back to sleep.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Yes, a part of me tells me that i should go back to writing.... Just thought of a "poem" last night - and the words were just flowing out of my mind. It felt right, even if the poem was grim...
Though i wonder if i am going the right direction now... I am starting to doubt myself again, yes... But i do so want to be free, to fight for what i want, to feel that feeling inside me that i am just soaring as i do what i enjoy, be where i enjoy, be with the person i enjoy being with... Do i follow my heart and soul, or do i follow my mind? Do i even still make sense? Do i want to think of the distant or the immediate future? What will indeed make me happy? Is what i am working towards for really good for me? I don't think i am losing myself.... Or do i? i'm always afraid of losing who i love, what i love...
I hide that... i love to sing, i love to dance(tap, even if i don't even dance well), i love to write, i love to ride a horse, i love to fly, i love to drive, i love to just watch the clouds float by. i love to read, i love to just love, i love to protect, i love to listen, i love to talk. i love to hum, i love to talk to myself... i love to lose myself into something that i deeply care for, i love the blue skies, i love pain(yes, in some way i do). I love the truth, i love nobility, i love chivalry. i love mystery, i love danger, i love adventures, i love spontaneity. i love drama, i love romance, i love sentimental things. i love to laugh, and i cherish the fact that i can cry... i love nature, i love trips, i love lounging around. i love sleeping, i love eating, i love dining. i love something new, i love... i love... i know that i love a lot of things....
do i really love myself? hiding myself, hiding the things i love, hiding the people i love...
Though i wonder if i am going the right direction now... I am starting to doubt myself again, yes... But i do so want to be free, to fight for what i want, to feel that feeling inside me that i am just soaring as i do what i enjoy, be where i enjoy, be with the person i enjoy being with... Do i follow my heart and soul, or do i follow my mind? Do i even still make sense? Do i want to think of the distant or the immediate future? What will indeed make me happy? Is what i am working towards for really good for me? I don't think i am losing myself.... Or do i? i'm always afraid of losing who i love, what i love...
I hide that... i love to sing, i love to dance(tap, even if i don't even dance well), i love to write, i love to ride a horse, i love to fly, i love to drive, i love to just watch the clouds float by. i love to read, i love to just love, i love to protect, i love to listen, i love to talk. i love to hum, i love to talk to myself... i love to lose myself into something that i deeply care for, i love the blue skies, i love pain(yes, in some way i do). I love the truth, i love nobility, i love chivalry. i love mystery, i love danger, i love adventures, i love spontaneity. i love drama, i love romance, i love sentimental things. i love to laugh, and i cherish the fact that i can cry... i love nature, i love trips, i love lounging around. i love sleeping, i love eating, i love dining. i love something new, i love... i love... i know that i love a lot of things....
do i really love myself? hiding myself, hiding the things i love, hiding the people i love...
Monday, June 25, 2007
Reading... Changes...
I read this while i was changing my clothes. We were in my bowling coach's old home in Balayan, Batangas. They invited us over for the Parade of the Lechon as well as the water throwing thing. :) anyway, i didn't enjoy the parade much, but i indeed took part in the water throwing activity. :) i have to admit, i had fun. :) even if i still have cold, i still took part. :) it just felt fun to do so and got wet just like all the others. :) hehe :) and yes, because i didn't expect it, i am somewhat sunburned at my face, arms, and weirdly, at the left side of the left shoulder area, just in-between the shoulder and the neck area. i think that got "burned" worst. :) hehe :) so, am just putting lotion over it - that area still feels warm when i touch it.
anyway, so the festival's over and i was really tired and sleepy after the fun. :) the others out there were still drinking and partying all they want. but me, i was tired and just wanted to change, get going, take a bath once i am home (just thought that we were already going soon so wanted to get myself ready and not have others wait for me... and anyway, i enjoyed taking a bath at home than there since i am sure i have all my amenities at hand), and sleep. :) the daughter of our coach pointed out that that was used for declamations. well, i was keeping watch while my cousin changed into another set of dry clothing (she already took a bath, had on a fresh change of clothes, but was then thrown lots of water again). i was keeping watch at the door (no lock), and all i did was read. :) but the thing is, it meant something, and i can relate. :) so here it is, just off the web. :) hehe :)
anyway, so the festival's over and i was really tired and sleepy after the fun. :) the others out there were still drinking and partying all they want. but me, i was tired and just wanted to change, get going, take a bath once i am home (just thought that we were already going soon so wanted to get myself ready and not have others wait for me... and anyway, i enjoyed taking a bath at home than there since i am sure i have all my amenities at hand), and sleep. :) the daughter of our coach pointed out that that was used for declamations. well, i was keeping watch while my cousin changed into another set of dry clothing (she already took a bath, had on a fresh change of clothes, but was then thrown lots of water again). i was keeping watch at the door (no lock), and all i did was read. :) but the thing is, it meant something, and i can relate. :) so here it is, just off the web. :) hehe :)
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
It is one of those days that everyone leaves early because they have to go attend the activities set for this evening. So right now, i am alone in the office, except for a dozen of cats outside the office that is roaming or lying along the halls right now.
It being a Saturday, it's been laidback the whole day. I get to work at the other room, where i feel very comfortable working in since it is quiet and i can look out of the window. Aside from that, i enjoy the company of my other co-worker there. There weren't much calls to answer, not much people to face. For me, that's a good thing. I like it when i don't have to face people much, when i am allowed to my own space and time. But of course, this being the case, i tend to feel sleepy as well.
Right now, a Tzu Chi Youth has just dropped by. He just came from school and had nothing to do before heading off to Hyatt for a meeting with i don't know who. He'll be keeping me company until 6pm. He actually came here to ask about the camp held last week by Tzu Chi for the youth, but since those who are in charge of it already left, well, there is nothing left to do. instead of just letting him to do nothing and wait for the time to come, i asked if he wanted to just count coins. He was willing, and so i let him do it. I won't be able to talk to him anyway since i barely know him.
Actually, i want to go home already. My momentum on translating has already gone by for the day. Yet, i must wait until the clock strikes exactly at 6pm, then i can leave, or that is when one of my officemates comes back to pick up his stuff.
Anyway, before i fall asleep, i'll just try finishing up the translation and leave the editing for monday. the newsletter for last quarter is way overdue and my feeling lazy now is not helping.
It being a Saturday, it's been laidback the whole day. I get to work at the other room, where i feel very comfortable working in since it is quiet and i can look out of the window. Aside from that, i enjoy the company of my other co-worker there. There weren't much calls to answer, not much people to face. For me, that's a good thing. I like it when i don't have to face people much, when i am allowed to my own space and time. But of course, this being the case, i tend to feel sleepy as well.
Right now, a Tzu Chi Youth has just dropped by. He just came from school and had nothing to do before heading off to Hyatt for a meeting with i don't know who. He'll be keeping me company until 6pm. He actually came here to ask about the camp held last week by Tzu Chi for the youth, but since those who are in charge of it already left, well, there is nothing left to do. instead of just letting him to do nothing and wait for the time to come, i asked if he wanted to just count coins. He was willing, and so i let him do it. I won't be able to talk to him anyway since i barely know him.
Actually, i want to go home already. My momentum on translating has already gone by for the day. Yet, i must wait until the clock strikes exactly at 6pm, then i can leave, or that is when one of my officemates comes back to pick up his stuff.
Anyway, before i fall asleep, i'll just try finishing up the translation and leave the editing for monday. the newsletter for last quarter is way overdue and my feeling lazy now is not helping.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
What a day.... when i feel like watch spiderman3, i am not even allowed. even if there is nothing to be done at home, everybody at their own stations watching their respective tv channels, i am not even allowed to go out.
What's wrong with wanting to watch a movie alone? And how about those sudden spontaneous urge to just watch a movie or just go out? Oh well... i did hate it... but anyway, because of that hate, wanting to just punch anything, i put that energy into some good use and just did 100 crunches, and another 100 of whatever you call it(good for strengthening the back).
What's wrong with wanting to watch a movie alone? And how about those sudden spontaneous urge to just watch a movie or just go out? Oh well... i did hate it... but anyway, because of that hate, wanting to just punch anything, i put that energy into some good use and just did 100 crunches, and another 100 of whatever you call it(good for strengthening the back).
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Ultimate Expression
I'm about to burst
Yet there's no way out
All these feelings deep inside me
Just yearns to be free
Hiding me in myself
Hiding beneath the cloak
Of our facade
Too many faces, too many hidden messages
I want to be heard
I want to be seen
I want to be loved, and i want to love
by just being me
But however much i try to do so
I always pull myself back in
Afraid to be seen
As who i truly am
Will there ever be a right way?
Will there ever be an easy path?
Should i keep my peace and hide?
Hiding in the comfort of no friction?
Or to be free as i would like to be,
Despite the gritty pain i will face
Upon the unfurling of the truth
One that is true to oneself and the world?
Even words spoken here,
right at this very moment,
is hanging on the balance.
Should i speak or keep my peace?
And then again,
I will question myself again.
Another time,
Will the answer be different?
Still standing in the middle of the balance
Afraid to take either sides
One only falls either way
Yet what rises on the other side?
Rushing to get answers
Rushing to answer
Rushing to be free
Rushing to be me
through the journey of time and space,
Remembering memories of experiences
Living out the present experiences,
To look forward to what experiences are yet to come.
Will i have learned by then?
Or to take my time,
In picking the pieces
Of what is to make up
The Whole of ME.
Do i even need to prove myself?
Do i even need to present myself?
Or do i just live out who i am,
And that is all that needs to be?
The Ultimate Expression of ME?
Yet there's no way out
All these feelings deep inside me
Just yearns to be free
Hiding me in myself
Hiding beneath the cloak
Of our facade
Too many faces, too many hidden messages
I want to be heard
I want to be seen
I want to be loved, and i want to love
by just being me
But however much i try to do so
I always pull myself back in
Afraid to be seen
As who i truly am
Will there ever be a right way?
Will there ever be an easy path?
Should i keep my peace and hide?
Hiding in the comfort of no friction?
Or to be free as i would like to be,
Despite the gritty pain i will face
Upon the unfurling of the truth
One that is true to oneself and the world?
Even words spoken here,
right at this very moment,
is hanging on the balance.
Should i speak or keep my peace?
And then again,
I will question myself again.
Another time,
Will the answer be different?
Still standing in the middle of the balance
Afraid to take either sides
One only falls either way
Yet what rises on the other side?
Rushing to get answers
Rushing to answer
Rushing to be free
Rushing to be me
through the journey of time and space,
Remembering memories of experiences
Living out the present experiences,
To look forward to what experiences are yet to come.
Will i have learned by then?
Or to take my time,
In picking the pieces
Of what is to make up
The Whole of ME.
Do i even need to prove myself?
Do i even need to present myself?
Or do i just live out who i am,
And that is all that needs to be?
The Ultimate Expression of ME?
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Love Fluttering All Around
Such a beautiful it is today
Just like that day
when you greeted me
"Happy birthday!"
With the rays of the sun
Playfully touching
the dancing leaves
according to hum of the wind
With the blue clear sky
reminding me of our adventures together
Nothing can stop
this joy is endless
I smile,
as i remember you.
And as it turned into night
I smile,
for even then,
it reminds me of you.
Just like that day
when you greeted me
"Happy birthday!"
With the rays of the sun
Playfully touching
the dancing leaves
according to hum of the wind
With the blue clear sky
reminding me of our adventures together
Nothing can stop
this joy is endless
I smile,
as i remember you.
And as it turned into night
I smile,
for even then,
it reminds me of you.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Tell me,
how do i forget you?
Tell me,
how do i not love you?
I don't want to hate you.
I don't want to leave you.
Yet it seems there is no other way
But to go far away from you.
I used to hate love away.
And then i will be okay.
But whenever i find somebody new
It will end up just like how it was with you.
But what we share now is different.
For i have chosen not to do what i did before,
in which i would wallow in despair,
forming hate and fear in my heart.
I choose to not hate you at all,
As i slowly try to regain all of my own, my self.
It still feels like torture,
yet it's better than being tortured by hate and fear,
and not seeing the good in each day at all.
It will be alright
Things will be as they are
Thank you for being part of my life
and i hope you continue to be so
because i will always love you
deep inside my heart.
how do i forget you?
Tell me,
how do i not love you?
I don't want to hate you.
I don't want to leave you.
Yet it seems there is no other way
But to go far away from you.
I used to hate love away.
And then i will be okay.
But whenever i find somebody new
It will end up just like how it was with you.
But what we share now is different.
For i have chosen not to do what i did before,
in which i would wallow in despair,
forming hate and fear in my heart.
I choose to not hate you at all,
As i slowly try to regain all of my own, my self.
It still feels like torture,
yet it's better than being tortured by hate and fear,
and not seeing the good in each day at all.
It will be alright
Things will be as they are
Thank you for being part of my life
and i hope you continue to be so
because i will always love you
deep inside my heart.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Any ideas?
In the silence
i let my thoughts flow
into the world
that i hold on for now
as my own
Free at last
and my soul flows free
Free to love
Free to wonder
Free to behold
And in a flick of a moment
a tiny movement changes all
I get pulled back into reality
our world
And that's all
i let my thoughts flow
into the world
that i hold on for now
as my own
Free at last
and my soul flows free
Free to love
Free to wonder
Free to behold
And in a flick of a moment
a tiny movement changes all
I get pulled back into reality
our world
And that's all
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Home....
I'm just home today....
Actually, while i was in Singapore, i had all these thoughts and realizations about myself... Why i have been acting this way - trying to run away from myself, or just not facing myself - as i looked ahead into this patch of green land before me. I was just here two years ago, but now, Singapore looks and feels different to me. I told myself, "Probably i am now seeing, living and experiencing somewhat differently. Could this be?" :) Who knows? :)
Anyway, I wasn't even able to write them down because i was having breakfast with my parents then... and when i got back to our room, i guess, it's the same thing, was with my brother. Or my mind was just elsewhere, again. :)
New things coming in...
Just a while back, i was thinking about life again... A friend of mine is currently attending a Mandala workshop. I didn't know what it was, so i searched the net. Once reading about it, i said to myself, "Yeah, it's time for her. Everything seems to be coming to her now. That's great." :) She's so into these. :) and it really interests her. I'm just glad that she shares about her comings and goings with me, invites me to things that interests her and that she thinks i would enjoy also. :) Anyway, I won't throw myself into that just yet. She's really into that; me, i just want to know about it and explore it some more if i really want it. Other than that, it's her time for that. Not yet for me. :)
If you truly love, trust and want the best for another, just let the person be. At times i can do so, and of course at times i can't. If i don't, i actually lock myself in worry.
Just a moment ago, Ate Remy, our cook, just walked in. She whispered, "Excuse me.", as she entered the room, and it still startled me! hehe :) i had the volume of the TV at my room blasting, and i can hear it from this other room, but a single whisper scared the hell out of me. Ate Remy commented, "Your mind must really be faraway or really deep in thought." And in a way, i think she is right. I was so focused on what i was really thinking. I thought i was alone, nobody there, and i just let my mind go.
I hide myself from others because i don't want them to limit me from being who i am and from being with people i love. But in hiding, i am already limiting myself from being myself. Self-preservation that causes me to feel all caged up, locked up. An irony, isn't it?
Where is home? We ask it over and over again. For me now, it is where our hearts rest and are in peace - wherever we could be, whenever it may be and whoever we are with. Home could be where we are at a certain time or surroudnign, or home could be just being with the person you love.
Actually, while i was in Singapore, i had all these thoughts and realizations about myself... Why i have been acting this way - trying to run away from myself, or just not facing myself - as i looked ahead into this patch of green land before me. I was just here two years ago, but now, Singapore looks and feels different to me. I told myself, "Probably i am now seeing, living and experiencing somewhat differently. Could this be?" :) Who knows? :)
Anyway, I wasn't even able to write them down because i was having breakfast with my parents then... and when i got back to our room, i guess, it's the same thing, was with my brother. Or my mind was just elsewhere, again. :)
New things coming in...
Just a while back, i was thinking about life again... A friend of mine is currently attending a Mandala workshop. I didn't know what it was, so i searched the net. Once reading about it, i said to myself, "Yeah, it's time for her. Everything seems to be coming to her now. That's great." :) She's so into these. :) and it really interests her. I'm just glad that she shares about her comings and goings with me, invites me to things that interests her and that she thinks i would enjoy also. :) Anyway, I won't throw myself into that just yet. She's really into that; me, i just want to know about it and explore it some more if i really want it. Other than that, it's her time for that. Not yet for me. :)
If you truly love, trust and want the best for another, just let the person be. At times i can do so, and of course at times i can't. If i don't, i actually lock myself in worry.
Just a moment ago, Ate Remy, our cook, just walked in. She whispered, "Excuse me.", as she entered the room, and it still startled me! hehe :) i had the volume of the TV at my room blasting, and i can hear it from this other room, but a single whisper scared the hell out of me. Ate Remy commented, "Your mind must really be faraway or really deep in thought." And in a way, i think she is right. I was so focused on what i was really thinking. I thought i was alone, nobody there, and i just let my mind go.
I hide myself from others because i don't want them to limit me from being who i am and from being with people i love. But in hiding, i am already limiting myself from being myself. Self-preservation that causes me to feel all caged up, locked up. An irony, isn't it?
Where is home? We ask it over and over again. For me now, it is where our hearts rest and are in peace - wherever we could be, whenever it may be and whoever we are with. Home could be where we are at a certain time or surroudnign, or home could be just being with the person you love.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Mind in... mind out....
Others look for a time to relax and unwind during the weekends from the things that preoccupy their time during the weekdays: work, deadline etc. For me, i look for things to do, places to go, and especially to be with people i enjoy being with on these days. It seems boring and empty at home. i know that i can read a book, watch tv, or go online, but then when it is so nice outside, i just want to be with somebody to enjoy the day with. I know who i want to go to right at this very moment, but yes, i don't want to go there without permission and uninvited.
i wanted to go out since this morning. One thing that stopped me was the question, "where would i go?" Another question was, "Will the person i want to go to be home? am i even allowed to go there at this very moment?" I was sort of confining myself at home with these questions. Plus, my mom wouldn't just let me go out on my own, right on this instant-she made me agree with her that if i plan to go out, that i should tell her a day in advance. Of course, there are just those spur on the moment things that i also happen to get, like just suddenly wanting to go out. But at home, i have to think twice, and plan way ahead. Sucks the fun out of wanting to be more spontaneous, on following what i feel like doing.
I spent the morning and the early afternoon online. yes, online. nobody that i wanted and enjoyed talking to was online. Nothing much in tv - just that i don't have much appetite for tv. Book, hmmm.... just didn't feel like reading anything. So i tried to enjoy reading through some stuff online, and of course, downloading music and these anime episodes. Oh boy! I didn't expect that the download speed was faster this morning. good thing i decided to try it out and connected. :)
Lunch was nothing... i eat fast anyway. I really had this urge to call... but then i told myself, "give the person time. call later in the afternoon." and so i did, setting my cellphone down somewhere nearby. Although there was there real urgent need to go out, but still, "where to go?"
My mom arrived and told me to take Diane (the dog) out. Our dog just like going out on car trips. we don't know why, but she's really happy when she gets to go out. :) In a way, that was already a cue for me to go out today if i really want to, but of course, take the dog with me. "Where to go? Where to go?" I thought for a while, imagining the different places that i wanted to go to, but yeah, only one place that i would definitely want to be in but i can't go there. (I'm pretty predictable if you know me.)
I just stood up, changed, and went out with the dog. i was going to tell my mom that i was going out, but she was sleeping (she did ask me why i didn't tell her i was going out and i told her the truth,"you were sleeping.").
Once in the car, alone with the dog, I was still thinking a lot. I'm still "blaming" myelf for not doing it this way, for not being that way, etc.... I then told myself to just stop it, and just let things be. Now that i am alone, what should i be afraid of? What should i hide? i'm out, and that's all that matters. Where was i going? actually, i just droved. as long as i felt unafraid, i just drove. Of course, i would have wanted to go down somewhere, walk for a while, but with the dog, it limits me. so, i just drove. Took the longer way home, trying out new paths. i was out for an hour. wished i could stay out for long, but the question again was, "Where to go? Who to be with?" and the gas... i know, i could go out on my own. I have no problem with that. I already do so. but of course, there are just people that you want to be with. and when you have the time, you do hope that they would also be free at that time, and that they would want your company. Drove for an hour, and then, i was back home again.
And here i am again, back in front of the computer. Still thinking - yes, thinking if i was mumbling something or talking out loud of what i was thinking about when my thinking mind seems as if it is my audible talking voice when it is all just in my head. being OC, i keep on thinking about this day in and day out. i know, i know... i even spend too much energy on that. might as well go crazy.
but anyway, going to check if dinner's ready. i want to eat early, lock myself in my room afterwards (unless the download finishes on time, then i can do some watching.) hehe :)
i wanted to go out since this morning. One thing that stopped me was the question, "where would i go?" Another question was, "Will the person i want to go to be home? am i even allowed to go there at this very moment?" I was sort of confining myself at home with these questions. Plus, my mom wouldn't just let me go out on my own, right on this instant-she made me agree with her that if i plan to go out, that i should tell her a day in advance. Of course, there are just those spur on the moment things that i also happen to get, like just suddenly wanting to go out. But at home, i have to think twice, and plan way ahead. Sucks the fun out of wanting to be more spontaneous, on following what i feel like doing.
I spent the morning and the early afternoon online. yes, online. nobody that i wanted and enjoyed talking to was online. Nothing much in tv - just that i don't have much appetite for tv. Book, hmmm.... just didn't feel like reading anything. So i tried to enjoy reading through some stuff online, and of course, downloading music and these anime episodes. Oh boy! I didn't expect that the download speed was faster this morning. good thing i decided to try it out and connected. :)
Lunch was nothing... i eat fast anyway. I really had this urge to call... but then i told myself, "give the person time. call later in the afternoon." and so i did, setting my cellphone down somewhere nearby. Although there was there real urgent need to go out, but still, "where to go?"
My mom arrived and told me to take Diane (the dog) out. Our dog just like going out on car trips. we don't know why, but she's really happy when she gets to go out. :) In a way, that was already a cue for me to go out today if i really want to, but of course, take the dog with me. "Where to go? Where to go?" I thought for a while, imagining the different places that i wanted to go to, but yeah, only one place that i would definitely want to be in but i can't go there. (I'm pretty predictable if you know me.)
I just stood up, changed, and went out with the dog. i was going to tell my mom that i was going out, but she was sleeping (she did ask me why i didn't tell her i was going out and i told her the truth,"you were sleeping.").
Once in the car, alone with the dog, I was still thinking a lot. I'm still "blaming" myelf for not doing it this way, for not being that way, etc.... I then told myself to just stop it, and just let things be. Now that i am alone, what should i be afraid of? What should i hide? i'm out, and that's all that matters. Where was i going? actually, i just droved. as long as i felt unafraid, i just drove. Of course, i would have wanted to go down somewhere, walk for a while, but with the dog, it limits me. so, i just drove. Took the longer way home, trying out new paths. i was out for an hour. wished i could stay out for long, but the question again was, "Where to go? Who to be with?" and the gas... i know, i could go out on my own. I have no problem with that. I already do so. but of course, there are just people that you want to be with. and when you have the time, you do hope that they would also be free at that time, and that they would want your company. Drove for an hour, and then, i was back home again.
And here i am again, back in front of the computer. Still thinking - yes, thinking if i was mumbling something or talking out loud of what i was thinking about when my thinking mind seems as if it is my audible talking voice when it is all just in my head. being OC, i keep on thinking about this day in and day out. i know, i know... i even spend too much energy on that. might as well go crazy.
but anyway, going to check if dinner's ready. i want to eat early, lock myself in my room afterwards (unless the download finishes on time, then i can do some watching.) hehe :)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Questions.... Wanderings... Wonderings.....
If you are given wings to fly,
where would you go?
If you are given riches to spend,
what will you do?
If you are given love,
how would you react?
If you want to give love,
who will you give it to?
If you are given time,
how, when, where and who will you spend it with?
If you are given peace,
would you ask for more?
where would you go?
If you are given riches to spend,
what will you do?
If you are given love,
how would you react?
If you want to give love,
who will you give it to?
If you are given time,
how, when, where and who will you spend it with?
If you are given peace,
would you ask for more?
Monday, February 05, 2007
Cute little kitten......
Hmmm... It's a usual monday morning, but yes, i wasn't late for work today. Drove myself over to work. Straight to the computer, doing stuff.
anyway, there is this little kitten that was thrown over to the office compound last week. it always kept on crying. when i first saw the kitten, it wasn't even able to walk around much, seemingly limping around due to some problem with the kitten's hind legs. after being taken cared by my coworkers, well, it grew stronger everyday and just today, it kept on climbing out of its makeshift cage. we have no other way but to just let it walk around in one of the rooms, the one with less people occupying the room.
anyway, it kept on following people. i think it is following anybody's feet. :) hehe :) i think that is all the kitten sees. :) hehe :) but it still kept crying. the kitten was really noisy the whole afternoon. i finally understood why Caroline told me that she was having a headache due to the cat's meowing. the meowing is really loud and you can hear it even if the door to the room is closed. i was in the same room today because i wanted quiet while reading articles that i have to choose for the upcoming newsletter publication. and boy, did i have a headache as well. it kept meowing and meowing. at times, it just wanted milk, to be fed. other than that, it would follow my feet around. the kitten's walking real fast now. well, at least it is getting its strength back.
after work hours, i kinda stayed behind for a while because my supervisor has to talk to me about some other details of the current publication's articles. after that, i was left for a while. the kitten just went over to my feet and just stayed by my feet. it sat down and then i guess it fell asleep. it was suddenly so quiet in the room. i just stayed there, not moving, not wanting to wake up the kitten - not just because it's now quiet, but also because it finally got to stop crying and got to rest. i realized during the afternoon that the kitten's behaviour of following our feet was because it thought our feet are its mother. i guess it felt safe with our feet. hehe :) that's how i felt when it quiet down as we stayed together in the room in silence. :) it felt nice though, to make a little kitten feel comfortable and safe. :) we just stayed together in silence until Caroline got back. :) hehe :) of course now, there's another set of feet to play with. :) haha :)
but as you observe the kitten, small enough that it can stand on all fours on your palm, sleeping and resting soundly and comfortably by one's feet makes me smile. :) i just observed it and kept it company as it finally got to stop crying and just rest. :) i felt somewhat happy and special that i was able to give the kitten some "quiet time" to rest. :) that even if i didn't know what it really wanted, i was able to keep the kitten company. :) hehe :) or probably the kitten just likes my white socks. :) hehe :) but still, you get my point. :)
i was kinda joking around. if the kitten still keeps coming over my feet, i have to give it a name. we were thinking of one. :) hehe :) i thought, how about Aja? :) well, i dunno how it is spelled in korean(hangul), but in chinese it is "加油!" or something like "go! you can do it! go go go!" in english. an encouragement. :) hehe :) well, in a way i feel it matches becuase it kept on going and got better and stronger. :) haha :) but i don't if the cat will respond to the name. hehe :) but i started referring to it as Aja. ;) hehe :) i just heard from Caroline that they fed the kitten some bread. ;) hehe :) she said that the kitten ate a lot - got a really healthy appetite then. :) hehe :) actually, there are lots of cats in the compound already. let's see, around 7, and sometimes with the additional strays they total to 10. most of the cats are sort of adopted by the office staff. haha :)
haha :) what a day! :) spending it with a kitten. :) hehe :) and in a way, for me, its a good thing that i wasn't tying any "knots" in myself today. :) aaahhhh.... :D
anyway, there is this little kitten that was thrown over to the office compound last week. it always kept on crying. when i first saw the kitten, it wasn't even able to walk around much, seemingly limping around due to some problem with the kitten's hind legs. after being taken cared by my coworkers, well, it grew stronger everyday and just today, it kept on climbing out of its makeshift cage. we have no other way but to just let it walk around in one of the rooms, the one with less people occupying the room.
anyway, it kept on following people. i think it is following anybody's feet. :) hehe :) i think that is all the kitten sees. :) hehe :) but it still kept crying. the kitten was really noisy the whole afternoon. i finally understood why Caroline told me that she was having a headache due to the cat's meowing. the meowing is really loud and you can hear it even if the door to the room is closed. i was in the same room today because i wanted quiet while reading articles that i have to choose for the upcoming newsletter publication. and boy, did i have a headache as well. it kept meowing and meowing. at times, it just wanted milk, to be fed. other than that, it would follow my feet around. the kitten's walking real fast now. well, at least it is getting its strength back.
after work hours, i kinda stayed behind for a while because my supervisor has to talk to me about some other details of the current publication's articles. after that, i was left for a while. the kitten just went over to my feet and just stayed by my feet. it sat down and then i guess it fell asleep. it was suddenly so quiet in the room. i just stayed there, not moving, not wanting to wake up the kitten - not just because it's now quiet, but also because it finally got to stop crying and got to rest. i realized during the afternoon that the kitten's behaviour of following our feet was because it thought our feet are its mother. i guess it felt safe with our feet. hehe :) that's how i felt when it quiet down as we stayed together in the room in silence. :) it felt nice though, to make a little kitten feel comfortable and safe. :) we just stayed together in silence until Caroline got back. :) hehe :) of course now, there's another set of feet to play with. :) haha :)
but as you observe the kitten, small enough that it can stand on all fours on your palm, sleeping and resting soundly and comfortably by one's feet makes me smile. :) i just observed it and kept it company as it finally got to stop crying and just rest. :) i felt somewhat happy and special that i was able to give the kitten some "quiet time" to rest. :) that even if i didn't know what it really wanted, i was able to keep the kitten company. :) hehe :) or probably the kitten just likes my white socks. :) hehe :) but still, you get my point. :)
i was kinda joking around. if the kitten still keeps coming over my feet, i have to give it a name. we were thinking of one. :) hehe :) i thought, how about Aja? :) well, i dunno how it is spelled in korean(hangul), but in chinese it is "加油!" or something like "go! you can do it! go go go!" in english. an encouragement. :) hehe :) well, in a way i feel it matches becuase it kept on going and got better and stronger. :) haha :) but i don't if the cat will respond to the name. hehe :) but i started referring to it as Aja. ;) hehe :) i just heard from Caroline that they fed the kitten some bread. ;) hehe :) she said that the kitten ate a lot - got a really healthy appetite then. :) hehe :) actually, there are lots of cats in the compound already. let's see, around 7, and sometimes with the additional strays they total to 10. most of the cats are sort of adopted by the office staff. haha :)
haha :) what a day! :) spending it with a kitten. :) hehe :) and in a way, for me, its a good thing that i wasn't tying any "knots" in myself today. :) aaahhhh.... :D
Saturday, February 03, 2007
While i was alone....
i discovered that i wanted to be perfect
perfect for you
so that you wouldn't need anything else
wouldn't need anyone else for you.
and with that you moved away.
only to realize now
that you have accepted me for who i am
that you accepted me even when i was not perfect
you have accepted my good and my bad,
both together,
and there is not anything else that i should be proving to you.
in your eyes, and in your heart
you knew that i am already good enough
and that is why you don't understand why i can't just love myself.
i set up expectations on you
but the truth is, i also set up so high an expectation on me much more
for nobody can be perfect
we can only be us.
that is why i became afraid, because i can't get it right.
when all i need is to be at peace with myself,
with who i am, when being me
is just what real people like you
want to get to be with.
to be real, to be just me,
to be just at peace with ourselves.
that is what we aspire to be,
no need for control,
no need for masks,
no need to hide,
no need for fear.
only surrounded by love,
built with trust,
surrounded by acceptance and understanding.
for that is why friendships and relationships are strong.
because being who we are means the most.
and with that, we feel and are free.
free to still be who we are, free to be loved and to love.
no limitations, no pushing, no grasping
- and just be...
perfect for you
so that you wouldn't need anything else
wouldn't need anyone else for you.
and with that you moved away.
only to realize now
that you have accepted me for who i am
that you accepted me even when i was not perfect
you have accepted my good and my bad,
both together,
and there is not anything else that i should be proving to you.
in your eyes, and in your heart
you knew that i am already good enough
and that is why you don't understand why i can't just love myself.
i set up expectations on you
but the truth is, i also set up so high an expectation on me much more
for nobody can be perfect
we can only be us.
that is why i became afraid, because i can't get it right.
when all i need is to be at peace with myself,
with who i am, when being me
is just what real people like you
want to get to be with.
to be real, to be just me,
to be just at peace with ourselves.
that is what we aspire to be,
no need for control,
no need for masks,
no need to hide,
no need for fear.
only surrounded by love,
built with trust,
surrounded by acceptance and understanding.
for that is why friendships and relationships are strong.
because being who we are means the most.
and with that, we feel and are free.
free to still be who we are, free to be loved and to love.
no limitations, no pushing, no grasping
- and just be...
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
interests....
Hmm....
Since back when, i have been interested in joining and learning about some form of martial arts. but i always had my eyes on kendo or kyudo (japanese archery). so far, i found that there is this Manila Kendo Club having their practice every saturday at the Pasig area. still looking for a kyudo club somewhere. :)
hope it could help instill discipline and willpower. :)
but i guess it has to wait. :) i will find time. :) the same with learning nihongo. ;)
Since back when, i have been interested in joining and learning about some form of martial arts. but i always had my eyes on kendo or kyudo (japanese archery). so far, i found that there is this Manila Kendo Club having their practice every saturday at the Pasig area. still looking for a kyudo club somewhere. :)
hope it could help instill discipline and willpower. :)
but i guess it has to wait. :) i will find time. :) the same with learning nihongo. ;)
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Another day in this life...
so far so good.... :)
in a way... some thinking, but not too much....
anyway, will go back on reading....
been lazy on reading up on books that i have already started way back then. still have 4 to finish. all are good books, just that i lost the momentum on the books that i have been reading. and i have been stocking up on new books to read or am interested to read. have books that are in english or mandarin. :)
anyway... just blogging blogggeding blogged. :D
in a way... some thinking, but not too much....
anyway, will go back on reading....
been lazy on reading up on books that i have already started way back then. still have 4 to finish. all are good books, just that i lost the momentum on the books that i have been reading. and i have been stocking up on new books to read or am interested to read. have books that are in english or mandarin. :)
anyway... just blogging blogggeding blogged. :D
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
...
Should i do something?
trying to break the pattern
to move on forward
instead of staying still
looking left and right
and especially looking back
holding still from moving forward,
though i look forward to what may
trying to break the pattern
to move on forward
instead of staying still
looking left and right
and especially looking back
holding still from moving forward,
though i look forward to what may
Sunday, January 21, 2007
A review of my life
Well, sort of. :) I just suddenly didn't have anything to do (well, actually i can watch t.v., i can read a book, i can burn the files that i should have done so since last year, i can eat, i can sleep, etc...), or one can say that i am thinking of something else that i really feel like doing. :) but anyway, i ended up coming to my brother's room, and here i am, suddenly feeling the urge to check my blogger account. :)
And there, i switched to whatever's new to blogger - like signing in through google. i have no problem with this. one less password to remember. :) though i wonder about the customization of domain name(?). and once done, i ended up "reading" whatever i was writing or blogging before. funny, those thoughts are still very active in my life in the present. thinking of it back then, and still thinking of it now. :)
i wonder how everybody else is doing. everybody's busy with their own lives. i only get to keep in touch with Drew thru googletalk. the others, at times over MSN or Yahoo messenger.
Would always feel like writing whenever i can't write, but once i can do the writing, i am too lazy, tired or distracted to do so. :)
And there, i switched to whatever's new to blogger - like signing in through google. i have no problem with this. one less password to remember. :) though i wonder about the customization of domain name(?). and once done, i ended up "reading" whatever i was writing or blogging before. funny, those thoughts are still very active in my life in the present. thinking of it back then, and still thinking of it now. :)
i wonder how everybody else is doing. everybody's busy with their own lives. i only get to keep in touch with Drew thru googletalk. the others, at times over MSN or Yahoo messenger.
Would always feel like writing whenever i can't write, but once i can do the writing, i am too lazy, tired or distracted to do so. :)
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