Thursday, November 22, 2007

this is being composed and sent thru wireless internet using my new p990i. yes i just can't stop playing with it. hehe :)

Monday, November 05, 2007

written because i wasn't able to go back to sleep again, after 430am.... thoughts just kept beguiling my mind...

Is it impulsiveness,
that is the fire in me
at this very moment?

Is it the push
that i feel
that makes me think?

does it fuel
the desire of
wanting things now?

together with impatience
feeling that it is mine to receive
or that i will get it
makes me insane.....

why do i have to
keep on trying
to prove that i am worth it?

why do i fear
that i am not worth it?
that i have to grab hold of it
especially if it comes at an unknown moment,
and if it is uncertain to come again.

why do i lose my mind over it,
to keep on going into this
endless wheel of mental anguish
causing my heart to contract,
to quicken, to push, and push and push,
to grab hold of something tightly?

why do i fear that i will not be able to get it?
why do i fear?

Friday, November 02, 2007

i feel so restless today... except for taking our pet shihtzu to the vet, i really had nothing else to do. so i ended up sleeping a hour or two this afternoon.

I texted a friend to ask if there's any activity for the next two days. and then i remembered the list i made which i placed in this very blog. and my heart just shouts for the stars, to stargaze.

feeling so, i went out of the house and saw two distinct stars. i wonder what they are. i then remembered the time when my cousin and i took a trip to inner mongolia during our vacation from school in beijing. while the rest of those in the trip slept in the bus(well, that's what i think they were doing), i reveled in the wonder of watching the stars up in the night sky. they are so beautiful. you can see them in different levels. i mean, so many stars in the night sky. we were in the part of mongolia where there weren't much infrastructures or night lights. it was just beautiful. no other word to really describe it but beautiful and wonderful. there were so many of them, and you could see them one by one, with the naked eye. it seems like they were surrounding you from above, but you don't feel enclosed or anything, you just feel happy to have them around you. you could see some closer to us, some farther in the distance. but the effect is just spectacular. i just wasn't able to sleep that night, and am thankful i didn't go to sleep or else i wouldn't have seen them at all and would have missed that chance of seeing the beauty of them. it is my thing to just watch whatever's out there from the window during trips over land, and i guess on sea as well. :) nature is just so beautiful, especially if you're contemplating, reflecting or just enjoying your own space - communing with nature in one form or another.

now, i am looking for a place that sells telescopes. it's just an impulse right now. but i guess i'll buy one if i do find it. :) if not, i'll just let it pass. :) but would definitely want to learn more about it. :) i do love space and space exploration. :)

Thursday, November 01, 2007

today was a day devoted to driving... and eating... sort of.

It is official, no work for November 1(Thursday & All Saint's Day) and for Nov. 2(Friday & All Soul's Day). November 3(Saturday - my turn for day-off, YES!). So yes, it is a pretty long weekend for me.

Anyway, i woke up at 8am and immediately went online. i was just actually waiting until sometime before 11am. I was my dad and my granddad's driver for the day. We first went off to have lunch at Gloria Maris in Greenhills and just drove the whole afternoon - to go past Luneta, going to Cavite, and then back, to Fort Bonifacio(just to buy Krispy Kreme Doughnuts), and then stopping by the Examiner Branch of McDonalds for some coffee, hot chocolate, milkshake and fries before going home at around 3pm something.

During the drive, i am very thankful that it wasn't too sunny during the time i was driving, around noon, the time that the sun would be really strong. It was raining. or if it wasn't, the clouds were out. For me, this is a good thing because it was be easier for my eyes. i always squint because of glare caused by light, whether it be due to headlights or sunlight. And yes, silently, i thanked God or the One for making it easier and more comfortable for me to drive.

As always, i am pretty self-conscious of myself and my thoughts, especially my thoughts. Whether i am walking by, driving(i know, it is unsafe to think too much of other things while driving. but driving helps me focus, and in a short while, my thoughts concentrate on driving and observing my surroundings while driving.), talking and whatever else i do, i always "keep track" of my thoughts.

At one point, while walking towards the washroom in the restaurant, i would smile at the people around me that had eye contact with me. "People do welcome a smile...", a friend reminded me. For me, it also meant being good to myself, and not being afraid to be myself and smile if i want to, to be happy of who i am and to be confident. At another time, at the intersection stopped by the stoplight, there was this guy that was wiping the car's windshield and windows to "earn" a living, receiving alms from people. I gave that guy 10 pesos, thinking that he would move on to the next car. He kept on wiping the windows until he finished wiping all the windows even after i moved the car forward a little. I said, "i won't give him any more." but actually, after he finished, he just moved away. I then found myself uttering a wish/blessing/prayer for him: that he be given what he needs - nourishment for heart, mind, and soul, as well as for his material and physical needs, and that he receives enough for his lifetime and not ask for more(be content and not be greedy).

During our stop at McDonalds, i observed my dad and my grandfather. Father and son have a distance, and i can liken it to the way it is to our situation right now (father and daughter/father and children). While my grandfather went on and on talking about stuff from one topic to another, my dad just "listened" and showed signs that he was not really listening. It's like he doesn't know what to talk about anymore, and is just "listening" out of respect. I felt "bad" when he talks to me instead of talking or just focusing his attention to my grandfather. on my side, i would want to talk and just talk to my dad, but then he wouldn't want to listen at all and would only like brief, concise, succinct descriptions. And when we children don't feel like talking, he would feel like talking. The lines of communications have been sort of blocked by choice. What came into mind at that time was that his inability to talk with his dad, and how it is, in some way, the same way with us towards him or him towards us. i wonder if we have to always do things out of respect even if we are not happy about it and end up showing signs of disrespect, instead of doing things that we mean and we are really happy and sincere doing for the person. Or to do things that we are happy in doing for ourselves, living our own lives yet still living and coexisting with others in this world, without disrespecting another, in the broader sense and deeper meaning of the word "respect" with regard to ourselves, to the world and to all else that are interconnected with us. Why is it so hard to be real, to be honest, to be us?

The Past, the Present, and the Future. It was nice how it was said in Hallmark Channel, "Sometimes we have to go back and make sense of the Past during the Present to be able to move on into the Future." and the other day, the thought of accepting our roots as part of who we are - we are from these, a part of our past, and whatever we do, it will be part of us. We should not be afraid of it - it made us who we are now, and it makes us who we want to be, and we all want to be a better me not just for ourselves but also for the world because we all contribute to the world at large.

Something along these lines of thoughts... :D

a global family... people who are our family around the world, even if we are not related by blood at all, but related because of genuine love and respect for each other. They are everywhere, if we open ourselves to the beauty and goodness of this world. Not just in this dimension/plane, but also in the other places where they exist.