Saturday, January 15, 2005

And now, to the next level of reality: Work

Well, at long last, I will be officially graduating from college on February 5. It took me (and Eric) two more terms before we get to graduate, but as he said, graduating late is worth it because we learnt something more.

Come to think of it, we "graduate" to the next level of reality that human beings have to face - there is childbirth, childhood (kindergarten to grade school or elementary), teens (high school to college), adulthood, old age and death. Right now, I am, like most of us in my batch, graduating into adulthood. Well, it can be somewhat synonymous to working, or independence, or self-discovery by one's own, or bumming around and letting the flow of life bring one to where "fate" or "destiny" leads one to. At the moment, i know that i will need to work soon, but I have been worrying a lot of what i will be doing, what my work will be. The fact that i haven't been able to lose weight at all makes me fear about having to wear a three-piece suit for business attire (as usually required in companies) and close shoes (which really hurt my feet). But that is just a very shallow reason. My other reason is that i am afraid that i won't be able to keep up with the job, especially if programming is expected of me. I am afraid that i won't be able to do what is expected of me, partly because i am not really a big "programming" fan. I do program, but i am not the best programmer.

Well, for sure we have to finish/polish the system/project/prototype for BAR before graduation [if not, Eric and I will try to finish it after grad, as fast as we could] and present it to the BAR management]. I just don't like the thought of trying to find a job when i know that Eric and I have to work on the system, and of course, i would still like to bum around a little while longer. But after that, I do have a few plans, though i am far from sure in following those: (1) work at Tzu Chi full-time for a six months (probationary period), after which i will decide if i will stay or move on somewhere else); (2) work in Canada even if it is a blue-collar job; (3) work in New York even if it's a blue-collar job and stay with my cousin in Brooklyn who is a nurse. Well, so far, these three are my "course of action" or "paths" to take. Of course, we know that i love to write, but the truth is, as i try to constantly remind myself as well, that writing alone will not be enough to support even myself. And i will surely have to end up facing my fear of having to program or work on something i don't like. I am just so idealistic that sometimes it is hard to let go of that dream, striving to reach something, though it would take a long time, or would take too much of my time, or never to be able to reach it at all, that it is hard to separate myself from the illusion that my mind has created for myself so that i could feel at peace but felt torn apart when brought back to reality, as i still can bring myself back to (and of which i fear i won't be able to go back to if i continue putting myself into my dreams, because it is somewhat holding me in a tight leash, stopping me from facing these "realities"). But that may not be the reason: I am probably stopping myself, creating all these idealistics pictures of what my life must be like, so that i can rationalize and procrastinate, if not stop myself, from facing these fears that i will eventually, and always, have to face. Or probably, i just don't want to let go of this part of life, afraiding to go, because of where it might live, limiting myself to what i can do, what i will do, what i will be. Decisions upon decisions upon decisions, lead to consequences upon consequences upon consequences - all of which make up our lives.

But i guess for now, i choose to still bum around. Though still harboring these fears within me, i still get to enjoy some peace of mind, intruded at times by these fears in a safe place for me, for the time being. I know I can't stay this way forever, but for now, i will make the most of it since i still can.