Thursday, December 25, 2008

The past week, has been something so opposite.... Last week, i can definitely that i was really happy; even when i was feeling down, i found it easy to just smile and joke around. of course, it changed. i found myself sad and looking for some solace. and at some point, the week started to change into something so dark.... Part of it has to do with me. i just can't take that negative picture off my mind, of what happened. It was a fight, and i am still yet reminded so much of it whenever i wake up in the morning, when i pass that very street, when i am reminded of that day.... I set up a shield - i chose to. and i chose to stay quiet and cold. i am very much protective, as well as adamant to have my want allowed when i really find it truly silly to think of it as unsafe in any form.

i am also saddened as to the sudden quietness of a beloved friend, moving away - distant as i feel it. i have informed her that i wouldn't disturb her for the next few days after sending her a message (which she didn't reply to, like all others. she does that at times.). i am getting unnerved of it again, but i told myself that i'll keep my word. i also reminded myself that i wouldn't let myself down anymore, even in this - even if i really value and care for her a lot. it is her decision, though my mind is whirring by and releasing all these sorts of ideas and thinking that i'll be left alone again, now by her, that it has finally taken a toll on her. it has been always like this, her moving away. this is a tell-tale sign of a circular repetition/pattern. of course,i hope that as before it is her usual moving away. i don't want to overact and overreact too much with regard to it, especially since i am aware of how i am feeling right now, and how i am apt to act in situations like this. i usually send in a lot of emails, text messages, calls and IMs. but i have been doing myself to limit those and to stop those for the meantime. if i don't, i am very much prone to do something else that i am pretty sure to regret in the near future. this used to happen before - my fear pushing to great lengths to try to salvage and save the relationship, doing all i can and trying to fix all that i can to make it all perfect again (to keep on fixing what i think are imperfections), only to end up making things much worse than before, resulting to a relationship that was so abruptly and suddenly stopped (when all it needed was time and space to neutralize the situation for a while, and for me to find my balance as well, actually). i'll be fine and get on without her, but i would like to still love to have her around whenever possible.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. i have been aware and mindful so far, and haven't reacted so much than i used to. I have learnt, and am still learning. There is fear, but there is nothing to be afraid of so much anymore. There is sadness, there is wanting. Yet there is all happiness, joy, respect, and love. And yes, experiences. It reminds me now to just live my life moment by moment, and not let the sadness cast a shadow on my perception and mind's eye - not to make me see all dark and not enjoy the moment, squandering away precious living moments worrying, remaining angry and too attached over something one can't even control. i don't want to be wrapped up once again inside my cloud of gloom. It is so different now once you have started seeing things differently. Of course, it won't stop you from falling back to old ways, yet it won't also stop you from going towards new frontiers in all else, especially your own growth.

Anyway, i'll stop talking about this for now. and i better get some sleep once again. been spending too much time and energy getting caught up again with this feeling as it is coming up again.

Monday, December 22, 2008

"we are the children of the human race, born to bear the sacrifices, its problems, its stupidity, its ignorance, its mistakes and its anger and hatred from eons and eons ago. yet with it, let us hope that we continue to have the warmth of love and the fire of hope burn deep in our hearts and souls, and may we continue to live on our lives blazing with the simple glory of just being alive, and let not all the troubles snuff out what is remaining of our humanity."

My heart bleeds out...
Yearning for life to be lived.

My soul reaches out to the sky,
still hoping for the chance to finally fly.

A Letter to My Parents

Actually, this wouldn't really count as one because i'll never ever show this to them. But this is what i would say or probably would like to think to say. There are just so many things that divide us as persons, but even if the hope is so far away, i still hope that one day, we would be able to reconcile and accept these differences.

After our fight yesterday, i have always wondered why i am still here. I question myself what i am to do here. i long to be independent, to be able to fend for my own one day. But it seems that every attempt to do so is cut short by the bud. Good thing the root in me stays alive, hoping, wishing, and praying that one day i will be able to live my life, with or without your approval. Of course, i prefer that it be with your blessings, at least, even if you don't approve of it.

You have raised me well. I believe that. You know why? Even when i was far away in china, before i do anything, i can reply all the lessons that you tried to impart to me. that very much shows that i do listen to what you say, and they do stick with me wherever i go, even if i dislike it so. More or less, i have not put you into any real grave trouble that you should really worry of me falling deep into problems that are hard to get out of. I have to admit that as a person, i am afraid of risks, though at times that wouldn't stop me at all. but rest assured, i do think before i leap. and if i do decide to jump and take that step forward, i have chosen out of my own free will. It may seem to you that people may influence my decisions. It may, but in the end, i have to make that very decision all by myself. There is nobody else that i can blame for that. Whatever changes i went through, i wanted to change. Whatever i am willing to learn more about, i chose to do so. I want to explore more of the world, more than the protective world that you have both tried to keep me inside of. I believe that there is still something out there, much bigger than our own world, much bigger than myself, much bigger than the universe, broader, wider and more infinite than that of what we can imagine.

you dislike in me so much the idealism that i try to go after, the lack of practicality that i exude. as you said, it has been there since i was young. i believe that in a very big aspect, i don't think the same way you both do, and i may never will. Yet don't think that i don't care for both of you at all. I have always been different, and i have always been trying to fight that. I have been trying to fit in in your image of a good daughter, just like all other. But a part of me just wants and yearns to be free. I always wondered if there is something really wrong with me, deadly wrong that i have to cause you both all these trouble of trying to raise of daughter who would just like to learn to be able to live life on her own. i have always showed that "western" side that you don't really detest but don't really like as well. i don't think that being more of a westerner or being more of an asian is the case. It is who and how we decide to live our life.

We all have preconceived ideas of how we want to live our lives, how we want our children and the people we love to live their lives - simple, stable and safe so that we can stay longer together in this finite world of ours. You want me to have a stable future, free of financial worries. I respect that, though i may not show it at all. I would like to explore the world more, to live what it can offer. I want to travel and write. I want to take pictures. I want to help people. I want to learn to take care of myself. I want to learn more of the world, the other people that we are sharing this world with. Possibly, i want more of this life than i think i want - to live it more. It is partly discontent, because i really want to discover more of our own world, more of what is out there and more of what there is within myself as a person and as a being.

you also said that it was hard for people to get along with me. it may be so, that is why i am very choosy of the people that i let into in my life. i don't think it is that hard to get along with me, or else, i wouldn't be getting along with people from work or even the people that we meet along the way, like saleslady, drivers, guards and such. a co-worker even wrote in her christmas note that she thanks me for being approachable; i know that at times i can be detached from other people at work. I look up to other people. Yes, i know that and am very much aware of that. And i have been questioning myself and my existence as well - if i am living my life, making my own decisions, or am i just following another person's example? after such mistrust on myself, i became paranoid, but i learned that all my life, i have been who i am. I just attract the same people that i am like or similar to, or people that i hope to become more of - strong and able to stand on their own, yet still truly good and loving inside despite our different view of the world, despite being seen different by the world, despite our naughty, playful and adventurous take on the world and on life. i am already this way before i even met them. it's just that when i was younger, i had much more fear of the world and had decided to cast them aside, keeping them inside the cabinets of my soul, only to be rediscovered once again at this point in my life. at some point, i still do fear, mainly because of how you both think and see me as, and wouldn't allow me to be: me. Yet after looking into myself, i know that i am who i am, not who i follow to be, but rather, who i chose to be. I changed because i wanted to, please remember that. An influence will remain an influence unless we accept it to be part of our own - that is where we are responsible for ourselves, and not for others. We are responsible for our growth.

My life has been trying to prove to myself that i can do it and live my life. It is defeating to try to prove myself to both of you, which i have been trying all these years, even when you say that i don't need to prove anything to you. but the mere fact that i have to live to how you both see it fit is the same thing as having and needing to prove and show to you that i can live it the way you both want me to live my life. if i live my life the way you want it, according to all your values and preconceptions of ideas and life, you wouldn't have a problem at all. I appreciate how you want a simple and content life. I also want that as well, but i want to do so knowing that i will do my best to live each moment of my life fully, to have explored and tried those that interest me and grow through these life experiences. I don't want to just always be following what other people want, hope, manipulate or order me to do. And i don't want to be just saying and thinking this out, just as i am writing this letter now - I want to finally be able to live it out and not fight myself any longer.


Friday, December 19, 2008

Can Blood Type Determine Your Personality?

I have a rare blood type—AB+, which only 4 percent of the U.S. has—and secretly, I always thought it made me kind of special, even...

Friday, November 28, 2008

Our bodies are now seen as objects.
Viewed and scrutinized.
Used and Abused.

It is the same with the physical world.
Trying to control our happiness,
By Controlling Our Lives.
To make the world ours.
To make the illusion and lies come alive,
in this "world" of ours.

Yet however much we try,
grasping and running towards it.
It just eludes us.
Thinking that we have found
the fountain of life,
we are yet again flounding on the side of life.
lost as ever, as mysteries old and new come abound.

Dying, decomposing, rotting....
Once all is lost,
we fall.
Will we continue fumble frantically?
Or shall we learn to fall,
and let all things break away and go?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

a friend sent me this link. :) i find it a wonderful source and reason for a smile. :)

Monday, November 17, 2008

this is one of those nights that i find it real hard to fall asleep. i can be on the bed for almost an hour or two, and i am still wide awake. i am tired, mind you, but my mind seem to be still buzzing with activity, even with my eyes closed shut. makes you itch to want to just fall asleep already. but sadly, that itch can't be scratch, whatever else i do.

i wanted to sleep early, so after watching Nanny Diaries, i turned off the tv. not just use the remote to turn it off, but actually standing up and turning off the switch at the extension cord.

anyway, i also left the download of xxxHolic to itself - meaning i left the laptop on. sure, it's not the first time i did this. i was already ready to sleep. (see, am yawning now, but i don't know if i'll be sleepy again by the time i get to the bed.) i was then watching my hands, as i placed the pillow. i guess you could say that i was asking or thinking about stuff in my life - hoping the complexity (or rather the simplicity and uncertainty that it offers but we can't seem to accept) will tire me down to just end up dozing off. i was also imagining about holding the hand of the person i love as i gently fall asleep. of course, it didn't help as well. and do you know that i actually wondered what it would be like if i had won the miami ink contest thing - i would definitely have wanted a tattoo at my back (back then, angel wings were my dream tattoo. now, i don't mind having the Flower of Life in ink - to remind me of the universe i am in). but then, i am afraid that since having keloids on cuts and wounds is a hereditary trait in our family, i wonder if the tattoo will be feasible at all.

see? all those thoughts, and still, it seems like my mind is all stimulated, all revved up and have so much to go. i would love to do some work instead, but then, i am pretty sure i can stay way into the week hours of the morning. this means that if i don't sleep, i'll be dozing off anytime at work or worse - i definitely will end up not waking up to the alarm - hence i'll be uber late for work. i'm already not that happy with my performance at work lately since i am falling behind. a week's worth of work has been piling up on me and i can't keep on apologizing and not being able to release the receipts for the donations just because i can't finish it on time due to my one-week absence. but the thing is, once i am home, i just want to rest. i don't want to bring work with me at home. if i do bring it, i end up not doing it at all. sigh. it's self-defeating, in some way. but i know i have to push myself to do so this week, or else, i'll be in deeper "shit" this coming week, and the succeeding weeks. it does affect me, from time to time. i can push this aside for another day, but doing so means more work piling up. and i admit that i can't handle it being this way any longer. so i need to force myself to do more tomorrow and for this coming week. hopefully, i'll be back on track after this week.

i do wish the download will be done by tomorrow.

anyway, i will try going back to bed again, to see if i can fall asleep this time. i would love to wake somebody up, but i know that i wouldn't want to disturb somebody who is either asleep, busy or just plain don't want to mind me because they have their own "world" to mind.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


I've been following the anime series "xxxHolic" on Animax since it started airing. the topics are pretty much on the supernatural side, but then at the same time, i am pretty sure you can follow some truths in life and of the spiritual world that it shares through the story. although most of the time, you'll feel like saying, "huh?", it is still very fun to watch. I have to admit though that at times i feel spooked out when watching certain episodes. but all in all, when it comes to the storyline/episodes and the content of the series, i believe i like it all. Especially since it tickles my interest in the supernatural, paranormal and the spiritual. deep in my heart, i believe that there is more to the world than the physical aspect that we see. :)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wordpress' Smiley

I was reading through a blog that i constantly follow and check updates of. I wanted to make a comment, but one must log in to leave a comment. as i was about to leave and go back to the main page, i noticed the smiley face, way at the bottom. :) hehe :) i just want to share it with you guys. :) i hope the image is big enough for you to see. :)

Saturday, November 08, 2008

we are voices trying to be heard.
yet remains unseen.
we come and go unannounced.
our hearts reaching out.
yet life moves on,
slowly and surely.
quickly and erratically.
what's left are moments of memories.
or at times, none at all.
from nothing once we came,
to nothing we go back to.
yet again forming and dying.
hello and goodbye.
who am i?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Algae for energy?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

i am in a "movie" download frenzy. ever since i got my iPod classic, it's all about movies - downloading and converting them to mp4 (gotta thank Drew for his help for the right converter).

yes, am sleepy now. and my mind is still whirring on, and on.... even in the dream world. :) because i still get these dreams - so varied, so weird, so out of the ordinary yet somewhat ordinary. well, sometimes they seem coherent and easy to understand. and the next time,i don't even know what they mean at all. i just dream them through. yes... and am also very full right now, from eating a midnight snack of fish fillet burger, large fries and large coke.

and still.. downloading


Wednesday, August 06, 2008


**People obtain pure joy not because they do great things, but, because they do small ones with great love

** I have learned to understand that even unanswered prayers are a gift because they come from the hands of one who loves me enough to know which to bestow and which to withhold.

**be thankful for what you have, and, you’ll end up having more… oprah winfrey

**the deepest level of worship is praising god in spite of pain, thanking god during trials, trusting him when tempted, and, loving him when he seems distant.

We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.
-William Gladstone

Visit heart-2-heart-online
Quinto playing violin... somewhere around July 11, 2008.... look for it. i want to learn....

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

My thoughts, right at this very moment, is like a cooked pancake the i keep on flipping over and over again on the hot cooking pan, checking if it is perfect, or if there are mistakes or imperfections that i can still fix or correct. That is how i seem to go about what happened yesterday afternoon somewhere in my semi-conscious-unconscious mind. Back and forth. Both sides and in between and in the middle. And we know that life doesn't work that way as well. Nothing i can do about it anymore.

I wonder if i am really thinking of what happened yesterday or if i am really thinking of pancakes.

Anyway, :) It's time to stop so that i can eat and enjoy the pancake, to live and enjoy my life, perfect or imperfect it may be. :)

Sunday, August 03, 2008

It's been raining the whole day... Not that i find it saddening... But still...

The past two days have been completely different.

I know my Friday morning didn't start out right, because of a sudden strike of the diarrhoea 3am in the morning. Well, imagine that. I barely got some sleep then i would need to look for the bathroom again. I dare not wake anybody up just to ask for medicine, so i waited until morning. I called in sick that day. Finding meds, i took some and went to sleep. It was such peaceful and quiet sleep that i wouldn't have had lunch if my dad had not woken me up, poking me at the shoulders. i ate regular lunch, but of course, my tummy started feeling weird again. So i took another capsule of medicine, just to make sure. I was well enough to take a bath and informed my sister that i will still be meeting with them and with my college thesismate that night. Out of the blue, i just decided and asked my cousin if i can visit her and my newborn nephew. Getting the go signal, i went ahead.

On the way, i picked up a cake, and even ordered myself a smoothie. It took a while to prepare the smoothie, so i was running a little late. I dropped by the office to give the keys to the server room, as it was needed by a co-worker. After that, i went the other direction to go to my cousin's house. It was then, while i was driving, that i realized how i liked it this way - driving in the late afternoon, just doing what i want, me holding my own time. I never fancied myself as a businesswoman, but i wouldn't mind having one if i can continue doing so. Question is, what business? and i know that i would really want it to be something beneficial to the environment, to the world, not just to me. But hey, i told myself that even if i think so hard right now for it, i wouldn't get the idea now. In time, it may come to me. Better live my life now and just keep my eyes open for opportunities, especially THAT opportunity. i also thought of Janelle, and if she would even consider being a business partner if it ever come to that point, with the business plan and all. Again, in time, let us see.

I just drove while sucking on the straw for more and more of the smoothie, relaxed and laid as i was that time. Entering their subdivision, it started to rain again and poured stronger and stronger as i arrived by their house gate. I was greeted by her mother-in-law and i was told to just continue on up to see my cousin. Right there, on her bed, was my cousin and her newborn son, Rupert. Rupert is definitely cuter in person. I never got the chance to see him in the nursery since the viewing times are my worktime. I saw pictures, but seeing him to face to face is much worth it. and yeah, his face seems to change, in some way. i asked my cousin who has visited her so far, aside from her immediate family. She said that there were just me, from her father side, and Janelle, from her mother side. That thought made me smile - at least we three keep together, stay together and are there for each other.

We talked for a while. and i didn't notice that it was already 7pm. i arrived at her place by 5pm. While Rupert slept, we talked. While Rupert was breastfed, we continued to talk. It was nice seeing her again. I last saw her when i visited her at the hospital two days after the birth. By that time, it was still raining hard. I would have loved to stay, but i know that i have to rush on towards Makati to meet my sister, brother-in-law and my college thesismate, Eric. For this day, i just took everything as they came. In the morning, instead of pushing myself to get well so that i can join them in the meeting that evening, i actually told myself to just rest and just see how i am feeling when i wake up well-rested. usually, i would think and think and just end up feeling bad, but that day, i just let go and let everything take care of itself that day. It felt good, if not great, though i think it felt great because of this liberating feeling. Anyway, i felt comfortable taking my leave. It was such peace. Saying my goodbye to both cousin and nephew, I left for Makati.

I arrived 30mins afterwards, found a parking and met with them for the meeting. I was actually able to follow the conversation, the flow of the meeting. Heck, i even enjoyed my dinner of Thai Crunchy Salad. I was just cool and relaxed about everything. i am usually a nervous wreck, always thinking of all contingency plans, all possible scenarios and outcomes. But that night, i was just me, enjoying my time. Even when i felt "attacked", i stayed calm. It is indeed a great experience to just be, and be good to myself in the process.

Eric rode with me, and i drove him home. This trip back home has definitely been an enjoyable one. We talked about our lives now, when we last saw each other, and how things have been like the past few years. We also talked about destiny, on how things are meant to be, like me and him being thesismates, on our lives and what we went through the past two years with the the people we met and the experiences we went through, and on us meeting each other again that night. He is undergoing changes the past year, especially when it comes to his spiritual life, and so am i with mine. His thoughts, questions and wonderings, as well as his experiences, in some way affirmed my won thoughts, questions, wonderings and experiences. It is also vice versa, the same with him. Our conversation benefited both of us, opening our eyes, hearts, and mind. We talked and talked, and it seemed to light up something in both of us. We already got to their house gate around 1030pm but we continued on talking and conversing in the car up until 11pm. Yes, we will be meeting again next saturday with my sister to talk about the system or program to be designed and made. After saying our goodbyes, i went on and drove for home. I actually find it nice to hear him say, "Grace! It's nice to hear your voice. I haven't heard your voice in a while. I miss your voice." ... or something like that. I can't remember the exact words, but he said something similar to that that night when he called me to discuss when we should be meeting with my sister. We actually talked through dinner, talked for an hour. All through these years, our "brainwaves" still jive, having a similar line of thought. We actually find few people that we can talk to about life, more about things in life, and things way past life - past, present, NOW, future. He is one of the few that i can easily talk to, talk with that deeply, aside from Janelle, and a selected few others at certain and differing depths of conversation.

The next day (Saturday, Aug. 2) though was, you can say, different or the opposite. I was late for work, as usual. and I also left early. But i was tense and easily irritated. You could say that i drove a little "madder" that day. I was easily "affected" by my moods, too sensitive to what my mom, my sister said. Too "mataray" with my dad and my brother. i just wanted to keep to myself, to close myself for a while to those that i felt a little threatened with or felt like being a threat to. i would move away by staying behind or walking fast ahead. It was still the same way the next day, sunday, but it was a milder form. My mind was a little peaceful today. and... you think that it is mind-boggling how we people hurt one another, and mind boggling, in the better sense of the word, on how we help one another. anyway, i spent the day online, watching tv, taking a bath, watching more tv, and then finally spending this time typing down this blog after watching a gruesome film at Star Movies about this RAGE virus spreading through Britain, and in the end throughout the world. Quite disturbing.... and probably why i chose to blog away.

Anyway, this is the time that i should actually be already asleep. Haha :)


... and..... i really want to learn Japanese and to learn to play the violin! :) and then learn other languages. :) Haha :)

Ok, that's it for tonight.

Friday, July 11, 2008

We see each other everyday.
Walk past each other along the way.
Yet one thing is for certain:
you have chosen your path,
you have made your decision.
And i will continue to live my way.

With our past, and now our present,
i still wish you the best.
We have each chosen and walked toward our own future,
and i know you're still somewhat the same.
But i don't know you anymore.

and i run everything through my mind again,
how you now move away when we walk near each other.
you make it seem like i am a weird stranger in your life,
and i just walk straight ahead,
learning to be a stranger to you once again,
and to continue moving forward and living each moment,
coming/flowing in through each and every day.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Observing my heart and mind, i believe that i wanted to believe that everything can be perfect, just as i wanted it. At times, it does. But when the end is so near, i hold on to it so tightly. even when the moment has passed, i hold to it so crazily, hoping to re-create it over and over again, asking for it all over, hoping that it can be brought into reality again. Sadly, the grasping just gets stronger, and the rejection and defection felt when things don't go also seems to bring me to feel lower and down.

I know that things and moments are fleeting, especially those happy moments that become happy memories. i told a good friend of mine that i try to make the most of the good time i have with the people that hold special places in my heart and soul but making as much good memories with them as more as i can. thing is, the more i do so, the more possessive and obsessive i get, the more the relationship gets suck dry. and the more this happens, the more they move away. Just like how i like to immerse myself in music, at times, this is, i realize, what they feel as suffocation from me, from being with me. they get suffocated with my love. so you see, instead of taking care of the relationship, i end up wanting the happiness that i want to share with that special person all for myself. this so-called love has turned or mutated into something possessive and obsessive, which also brought jealousy, depression and most especially, fear, with it. i just want more, i don't want the happiness to end. i just want to be with them, hoping that it will always be this good forever. i don't want to let go.

most of them move away, so far away. even if they are near, they are already emotionally far away. one has remained, but has also retained this certain amount of distance. i can still reach out when the need does come, and i believe that she will send love on the way, all the way. we have been open about this cycle of mine - a habitual pattern that i continue to fall and play the part of all throughout my life. you could say that it weren't for her, i would still be unaware of it. i knew about it from way before, but i left myself and kept myself blind about it. we would still each other once in a while, but of course, she would still keep her distance. but when i am with her, and when she hugs me, i can feel her telling me and reassuring me, "everything will be okay. you will be okay. everything will be all right. you will be all right." even without saying, i can feel all that from her. she is a well-spring of love. it warms me - heart and soul. her love, her presence and her person - who she is, who she has been, and who she may and will be - makes me feel how wonderful i am as i am. i can be who i am, i can speak my mind, i can be silly, and i don't mind what others think of it at all when i am with her. we can just talk all day, about anything, yet it will still be a great conversation. we can just stay together, hug each other, and i can feel the love that she has in her heart, bursting out and reaching out to shine and warm the hearts of the people around her. she constantly reminds me of the beauty in me, the goodness and love in me. "you are not the distorted image that you see." it is still hard to learn it and practice it day by day, but i believe that it did bring some changes in heart. recent events have just showed that, upon the loss of another friend who has emotionally moved away. i could have felt dejected and alone. i did. but to the extent that i can still function and at some points, i felt "free", in the sense of the word. of course, i admit that i am afraid to see that person for fear that i might feel so down or for fear that i don't know how to react to what i may end up feeling. but it is better compared to me being so glum and unable to move at all. i can actually take the time to smile and be happy with my "life" despite feeling the sadness inside as well. this may seem so common day experience, but for me, it is a breakthrough or a milestone. an improvement or a change of heart? or a change in attitude or perception? well, i'm pretty sure that i may end up in the same rut again soon.

actually, writing, or blogging, again is part of this thing i am going through. i have stopped writing for a while, if you have observed, except for the few entries here and there. i use to express myself through writing, but i stopped writing because i thought of what others would think about it (me going over this stuff again and again and again). i felt that can't be myself, that i can't be who i am; i felt that i needed to be perfect or "cool" so that everybody will like me. i thought that being myself is not good enough. i suppressed me, and you can say that i almost lost myself, myself holding on by a thin thread in my heart. my so-called paranoid phase also involved me questioning myself if i am really who i knew myself to be, if i really liked and loved the things that i love or is it because i am trying to emulate somebody. "Am i still me? Or am i just a copycat?" each time i would be afraid that i might just be a copycat, and i find so many reasons to rationalize and prove that i am not. i keep on trying to prove myself. but the truth is, even if at times i still can't believe it, i am who i am, and we are similar in so many ways and yet so different in a lot of other stuff too. i need not prove myself, running to keep up with it, because i am me and i don't need to prove that to others. i did and still do doubt myself. so you can't blame me for losing myself. actually, it should be "i should actually blame myself for losing myself." the only way for me to "fix" ( i feel the need to always fix something - another way to prove something?) myself is to make peace with myself. as always, easier said than done since i have been in this self-defeating pattern for so long. but i guess for me to be writing about this again, there is still some hope for me, myself, and i have found this hope. i kinda stopped expressing myself, feeling, "what's the use?" at the same time, you can say that i didn't want to write as well because i was afraid of the grain of truth that would come out in my writing, the grain of truth that i try to hide and push away from my writing, hoping that it wouldn't come out and "hurt" me head on and face on. as i mentioned, i know about it, but i just want to continue to be blinded, not knowing about it, not dealing with it so that i could continue feeling helpless and so that the person that i want with me would take pity of me and be there for me. at first it would work, but in the end, the reality is that it wouldn't last forever. you can say that i don't want to get over it, so that i can be taken cared of always. i can be whole in myself, but i choose to be broken instead. yet being broken has a price as well, because when i am really broken, when my heart is aching and dark, i push people away, whether or not i grasp for their attention or not. i just want that one person with me, and if i don't get it, i just lock myself up within me. yes, your description was right - an emotional vampire. i admit it, but at the same time, a part of me wants to deny it. i know i can't be well and happy always, but a part of me believes that i can still feel the good when i am broken as well. but most of the time, i see the darkness before me. when it is obvious, i look the other way; when i am looking for it, it seems to be lost and hidden away behind veils that i chose to obscure them with.

i am battling with myself, still battling with myself. even with the thoughts that i want to type down right at this very instant, i am battling with what should come out, battling and "searching" for what is missing, uneasy because it feels like i have not done or said enough, feeling that it is not yet perfect, that i have not said all, thinking that i may be not true or real - a fake - that i may be a sham or a trying hard to be. i go on and on with the thoughts, over and over. it's hard to break away from them because they come and go, and i go after them. and boy, it is definitely a wild goose chase, a "wild horse" stringing and pulling me along for a bumpy and painful ride to i don't know where. i do get quiet moments as well, and am thankful for that. but at times, when i feel "inadequate" and feel these thoughts coming along, i can't help holding on to the "wild horse". i am used to it dragging me along crazy, even if it does make me feel crazy and out of my mind. i am used to it, because at times if i don't feel so or if i feel so but don't follow it, i become so uneasy because i am not used to it being gone. right now, am feeling it, and i am fighting it in a some way as well.

let it go, Grace. Observe, be aware. but just let it be. You can choose not to get dragged by it. You have a choice. Follow what is in your heart. Follow your instincts. You will be alright. everything will be okay.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"I'm sorry" is all that i can say.
There's nothing else that i can offer.
I know that there's nothing else that i can say.
There's nothing more that i can do.
Because this is how you decided it to be between me and you.


I may be fragile.
I know I'll break.
I did break, many times.
But so far,
I always took the time
to slowly pick the pieces
of my life.
I break, but i piece myself together.
I may not piece it back together the same.
But i do my best to bring my broken self together,
despite a crack here and there.
despite the little missing pieces never to be found again.
I stand here again before you.
Broken, but still doing my best to be standing.

"The people I love the most, are the people that I am most scared of... Because they are the ones that can inflict the most hurt, when it does happen."
Beating hurt (heart)
Captive Soul
Looking out
To be a whole.

Blind to what may,
Doubting what is,
Hoping for what was,


Dead mind.
Death heart.
Soul lost.
Path unknown.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

With my 160gb iPod Classic, it seems like i can put in more and more tracks and it wouldn't be filled up. And so, i came upon tons of CDs that i have bought almost 10 years back. Back then, i liked it somewhat, but now, i seem to have a more down-to-earth and "soulful" appreciation for them. It's like coming back to get to know what was and what still is.

One of those CDs that i chanced upon hearing again is that of Vienna Teng's, the album being called "Warm Strangers". Strange enough, i like it much more than i did back then. Probably i've grown to understand more. Perhaps it just happens that it touches my heart and soul. At some point, i haven't changed that much, but that doesn't mean that i didn't change a bit. i believe i did, in some ways, little or big, seen or unseen.

i was thinking, "i bought this, like, 5 years ago. i wonder if she is still alive, or if her music still sells." she has her own site. And I am very much glad to read about her life. She also took up computer science before she pursued this career in music. well, you could read more at Well, anyway, it kinda sparked("ignited") the life back into my writing, or what i think is writing. i used to write poems, and essays as well. it's more of like whatever comes into mind. but yes, poems do count to be the ones that are easier for me to write, easier to express, and it seems easier to help me keep a sense of anonymity to what i am hinting at, and it need not require me to express much and allows an air of mystery. well, it took time for her. and it takes time for everybody, each artist. it also is the same with life, and in how we are living it. Everything takes time - a lesson that i still have to continue to have patience in learning. In time. :) haha :)

shucks! it's already 10:41pm, though i am not quite sleepy yet. always been like this, though i end up waking up a little later than i should in the mornings. anyway, on with more cd-ripping activities for my "beloved" iPod. :) Music is very much a part of my life, just like how writing is, in its subtle ways, still very much connected to my mind, heart, soul, core.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

As of the moment, i feel like exploding. i already express myself a lot, but it seems like it is not enough. i try to prove myself capable of a lot of things, but it seems self-defeating most of the time because i always feel bad and guilty of all the things that i have done. i am tired, yet i can't truly stop. i try to let go everyday, but of course, i fall short each day. but thankfully, at times, i can see that even if i do, i am learning to stand back up again and be a little firmer with myself each day. well, most days, that is.

let us count this one as reaching out to expressing myself again. i actually had the urge to "draw" or just doodle, wondering ("wondering" being the word) if i'll be able to express myself that way. which is not usually the case because i usually end up doodling nonsense. :) haha :) even i don't know i was doodling. haha :) i usually have the urge to blog again, or write poems, but i usually cast it aside because i usually have these thoughts while driving or when i am about to sleep. and yes, at the lazy enough to just let it be and just sleep through it.

anyway, this is all for today.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Learning to Wait, My Crimson Friend

We may not speak to each other
Not directly.
It hurts my heart so,
but i can only learn to wait.

Yet with this so-called pain,
passing by moment by moment,
i can't help but notice
your beauty and strength
more and more each day.

i am so privileged
to have been surrounded,
and in some ways still surrounded,
by your presence and companionship,
by your love and compassion,
by your friendship and understanding,
by your trust and strength,
by your selfless dedication,
even by your weaknesses and sadness,
by your anger and indifference,
by your tears and your pain.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Davao Trip - March 19 to 22, 2008

Hi there, Drew! :)

As requested, some pictures from the trip. :)

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Breathing deeply....


Yes... (it wouldn't matter if i added more and more ellipsis. they will still be dots.)

sort of angry at myself. sort of telling myself that i shouldn't mind anymore. also at the same time, wondering, "am i that bad? am i that easy to brush off/aside? don't i matter to you anymore? won't you even push me away? why keep all the distance? why don't you just say it? that you're suffocated..." that is how it has always been. it also starts me to feel of wanting to go crazy, just as i would back then and diving myself into my abyss of depression, wallowing and self-pity. i can't say that i know better, but right now, a part of me tells me to just let it be, feel it, and don't do anything rash just because you want answers. You know you want answers, but at the same time you know that at some major points it will definite hurt.

i decided to just write it all out. how i usually dealt with it before. though at the same time, i am glad that i am not running all about it, not being dragged around by emotions that much anymore. i do have to agree that at times it does, but at least, not as much. i can still hear and see my thoughts about myself... i would still want to go after her and make it all well again. but i know that it takes time, and i am too impatient to wait. Yes, patience is a virtue... a saying that seems to hit the right spot every single time.

i want your approval all the time, just as you did back then. and boy, did we have fun! and yes, i know, there are bad parts as well, but we got through it together. Yeah, i admit that a part of me wishes that it be always be good times with us. and i am always impatient because i want to have and spend that good time with you again. but of course, i have to get your permission first. you do have to want to be with me, or else i wouldn't be welcome into your presence, into your space. when did i start thinking this way? yes, it shows that i love you more than myself. and at times, i give myself the space - my space. yes, you've been telling me that, reminding me of that, over and over again - and lately, you do so with your silence. you've been so silent. so so so silent.....

yes, i am getting through, getting by. but i can't deny that there are still times, a lot of times, that i wish you are by my side, that we are together, through the good and bad. I can't take your silence... makes me question myself... but this could be one of the bads.... so i must live through it, and when i make it out, i do hope you're still there, wherever, whenever and however that may be. You're living your life th3 way you decide/choose to, and i admire you so much for that. i know that you know that i do. when will i start deciding on my own? at some point, i think i did in some ways. i just have to be constant or consistent. why am i thinking so much about it?!?!


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I seem to be in the process of falling apart and going out of control. Obviously, i should be sleeping by now so that i wouldn't have a hard time waking up every morning. But as of this very moment, i am still downloading mp3s. Which also leads me to work starting to pile up or seems to be piling up. I used to not have to take work home, but now, i find it imperative to do so or to at least do some of them at home, lest i want the output to come a little much longer after the expected 3 days or one week that it used to take me to finish a certain batch of work.

Aside from that, i am angry and afraid. I am sad. I am also neutral. I can be happy. I am needy in one moment and confident the next. So crazy.

I've been having those thoughts again. Yes, about death. But i just shook my head a while ago, hoping that that simple gesture would help shake that very thought away. I am very much aware of that thought's existence in my mind as it flitted by, but i just don't want to dwell on it too much. Over two people? Over circumstances i can't control? over what and who i can't control? if i do so, just goes to show i can't even control myself.

and here i am, staring at the computer screen. looking at numbers - bits downloaded, percentage left, time remaining... just like my life, i watch it flow past me, flow by me... as i watch everything go by me... do i really even care?


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I am sort of angry or pissed off, but i know that i should have to let it be especially since i care enough for the person and i know what that person is going through. It's both insensitive and uncaring of me to have done to her, so am sort of angry at myself. Although at the same time, i just had to let her know what my thoughts are. I would never think of hurting her, but i definitely want to be heard.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

It's been a while. i know that i haven't written or blogged for a while is such a cliche. But then, that is the truth. Or rather, i haven't written as much because i have been holding myself back from doing so - to prevent myself from being taken away by my thoughts. (Though i did notice that my command of english vocabulary has slightly gone bad, sliding off from where it used to be.)

Aside from the daily grinding of thoughts out from my mind, it has been a relatively quiet "mind" day for me. i woke up late, like almost noon, and decided not to go out of the room until it was time for lunch. I started meditating again, after such a long time of doing it and stopping again. I realized, now and again, that i have to continue meditating. I had one of 'those' days just a few days back. The feeling that i also have to "ground" myself has been going through my mind most of the time. To ground myself to reality, yes, and to ground myself as well - to release all the "charge" that has been stuck in me - all the tension, constriction, fear and all else that i hold inside me that has been detrimental to my being. Imagine the concept of grounding in science, and you'll know what i mean.

by now, just when i am starting to be productive, the day is almost beginning to end. It's getting dark already. I guess it's just me. I took the day slowly, even taking a bath. haha :) but it was fun. i only get to do so once a week since i am always rushing to work in the mornings, meaning i have to be quick with whatever i have to do (and you must know that i am a late-riser; i just sleep like a baby and have gotten use to the alarm going off. I have around 4 alarms, but i still sleep through it all.).

So anyway, going to be productive for a while by doing some work. :) I do hope that i continue to write again from this point forward. i did love writing. and i guess i still do. holding back just made me think that i wasn't as good anymore, that i need not do so. why did i hold back? because i thought that it would just make me go insane and unstoppable with all my thoughts streaming and rushing out through my mind.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

sometimes i feel so hypocritical of myself...
there are days when i think i am living the way i should be...
and then there are days that i am lost in the bliss of it all...

still, there will always be days that i would wish for time gone by...

and to wish that we all live the future that we want to have and to become.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

watashi no elle. kanojo no namae wa elle.

I can compose tons of notes and still be at a lost of what i really wanted to say. My mind is still chaotic despite the perceived quietness.

I can send all these to you & i will not get a reply.

i know things, i believe, yet a part denies & doubts. it's maddening, crazy and senseless at times.

Is that Me i hear? Or is it just me? Or am i running towards what i think i saw or discovered? Is this life even real anymore?

I know it is. It must be. You're here and there. And i'm both happy and hurting deep inside. Stretched to both limits. I guessed i became more flexible, or probably i somewhat got used to it. Did i get better? Or did i get worst? Or am i losing it?

Perhaps not. Or perhaps so.

There is no right or wrong, good or bad. That is what you said. But it seems that there is. Because if it wasn't bad, you wouldn't move away. Because if it wasn't good, we wouldn't have gotten along. I must be talking senseless, shallowness or the other way around.

Either or, neither nor. Can i be both sane and insane, both right and wrong, both shallow and deep? Even both alive and dead? Both nothing and something?

I want an answer, even though i know i will be met by silence, some of your warm, icy silence. Even if the answers are right on my face and i just can't see it because i am so looking out for it... Will i accept it or not? that will be an open-ended question.

How will i choose to live, to be?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I had a dream

I had a dream
i was fighting for you
when somebody
tried to implicate you

I had a dream
i was traveling
doing what i enjoy
surrounded by water

i had a dream
people were discovering
something new yet fearful
yet i was there

i had a dream
people meeting and recognizing each other
but i didn't want to care
but did so in silence

i had a dream
i was with my family
yet i sat there in silence
controlled and isolated

i had all these dreams
one night
as it has always been like with me
dreaming my dreams