Saturday, March 15, 2008

Breathing deeply....


Yes... (it wouldn't matter if i added more and more ellipsis. they will still be dots.)

sort of angry at myself. sort of telling myself that i shouldn't mind anymore. also at the same time, wondering, "am i that bad? am i that easy to brush off/aside? don't i matter to you anymore? won't you even push me away? why keep all the distance? why don't you just say it? that you're suffocated..." that is how it has always been. it also starts me to feel of wanting to go crazy, just as i would back then and diving myself into my abyss of depression, wallowing and self-pity. i can't say that i know better, but right now, a part of me tells me to just let it be, feel it, and don't do anything rash just because you want answers. You know you want answers, but at the same time you know that at some major points it will definite hurt.

i decided to just write it all out. how i usually dealt with it before. though at the same time, i am glad that i am not running all about it, not being dragged around by emotions that much anymore. i do have to agree that at times it does, but at least, not as much. i can still hear and see my thoughts about myself... i would still want to go after her and make it all well again. but i know that it takes time, and i am too impatient to wait. Yes, patience is a virtue... a saying that seems to hit the right spot every single time.

i want your approval all the time, just as you did back then. and boy, did we have fun! and yes, i know, there are bad parts as well, but we got through it together. Yeah, i admit that a part of me wishes that it be always be good times with us. and i am always impatient because i want to have and spend that good time with you again. but of course, i have to get your permission first. you do have to want to be with me, or else i wouldn't be welcome into your presence, into your space. when did i start thinking this way? yes, it shows that i love you more than myself. and at times, i give myself the space - my space. yes, you've been telling me that, reminding me of that, over and over again - and lately, you do so with your silence. you've been so silent. so so so silent.....

yes, i am getting through, getting by. but i can't deny that there are still times, a lot of times, that i wish you are by my side, that we are together, through the good and bad. I can't take your silence... makes me question myself... but this could be one of the bads.... so i must live through it, and when i make it out, i do hope you're still there, wherever, whenever and however that may be. You're living your life th3 way you decide/choose to, and i admire you so much for that. i know that you know that i do. when will i start deciding on my own? at some point, i think i did in some ways. i just have to be constant or consistent. why am i thinking so much about it?!?!


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