Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I seem to be in the process of falling apart and going out of control. Obviously, i should be sleeping by now so that i wouldn't have a hard time waking up every morning. But as of this very moment, i am still downloading mp3s. Which also leads me to work starting to pile up or seems to be piling up. I used to not have to take work home, but now, i find it imperative to do so or to at least do some of them at home, lest i want the output to come a little much longer after the expected 3 days or one week that it used to take me to finish a certain batch of work.

Aside from that, i am angry and afraid. I am sad. I am also neutral. I can be happy. I am needy in one moment and confident the next. So crazy.

I've been having those thoughts again. Yes, about death. But i just shook my head a while ago, hoping that that simple gesture would help shake that very thought away. I am very much aware of that thought's existence in my mind as it flitted by, but i just don't want to dwell on it too much. Over two people? Over circumstances i can't control? over what and who i can't control? if i do so, just goes to show i can't even control myself.

and here i am, staring at the computer screen. looking at numbers - bits downloaded, percentage left, time remaining... just like my life, i watch it flow past me, flow by me... as i watch everything go by me... do i really even care?


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