Saturday, December 23, 2006

Counting away the hours....

Yes, I am. :) Still at work, though am done with the tasks at hand for the day. :) Just waiting for the "work day" to end, and to come back here on January 2 next year.

I guess there are a lot of people out there who will be staying at home tonight - like me who has no plans, but i do want to go out. I dunno....

I just got a call from my sister, asking me if i can leave work earlier. Thing is, i asked my co-worker/supervisor and she said that it was okay. :) cool! :) i already informed my sis, though i don't know what their plans are (she's out with my mom).

But earlier this afternoon, i was asking a couple of my closest friends if they have plans for the evening. One hasn't replied. The other told me that she has a party for the night. Well, i can say that both will be having something to do for tonight. Which led me to think, "What will i be doing for the next week?" I do know that i have to burn the files created during our Beijing stay into cds, each receiving a certain number of CDs from me, depending on how much files they have with me. I haven't done anything about it in the last 5 months. :) I do hope that i'll finish it before the year ends - that would be before or on the 31st. :) Well, there's the "mountain" of books that i haven't read yet. :) I always have this feeling of wanting to read. but at times, i just don't want to keep starting reading books that i'll end up not finishing. I'd rather read one at a time and then finish it. And that is why i haven't been reading for the past couple of months. Write, hmmm.... i know that i think a lot, so there definitely is a lot to write about. But at the moment, i prefer not to think a lot anymore, because it is shaking me crazily out of control from deep down my core of sanity. Even the small things make me think a lot, when it shouldn't at all. It feels like i am losing myself. i watch myself too closely now. So much for being obsessive-compulsively obsessive-compulsive. But should i just let myself go and lose myself? Hmmm..... to be like water, and to let water wash lose all those that should go away, to let go. Empty tranquil mind is better than completely bothered mind over something that i shouldn't even be worrying about.... Well, i could also go out, and finally fulfill my "planned" field trip to *beep*. :D Either on my own or with a friend. (I still want to go out and spend time with you, but then, if there's no specific date that you're willing to give, then that just means that now's not the right time yet... am i still doing "IT"? i guess.... so, oh well.... smile, smile, smile! :D) Or if i could go somewhere else for a longer drive. :) Time alone.... or time with a special loved one. Whatever.... :D I should also probably stop thinking and "talking" to myself too much in my mind. It's been getting me all bundled up and crazy for the past months. the unending cycles of conversations in my head that sometimes feel all so real, that it feels like i am talking out loud and people could hear it, when in fact, it's all just in my head! Yes, all the more harder to stop because it is all in my head and i am the only one who can really stop it, the only one that i can only believe in to tell me that it is all just in my head - therefore i have to trust myself on this, or i'll end up going crazy due to fear of my own uncontrollable mind.

Actually, what i did just now is write, right? :) hehe :) What changes are in store for me next year? :) Will i get through it this year? I believe so.... Have been alive and kicking for the 12 years since i started being like this. Next year will be the 13th year. Well, i am still going through it, am i not? :) i did survived that long, what's a couple more years until i finally get over it? [i do hope that i'll find a way to get over it, slowly but surely as well. :) and without hurting myself and losing the people i love in the proces.] Ah, my mind....

Is there anything else to do? Just texting here and there... tapping my fingers over the keyboard. If one has not even replied, and the other not replying anymore, consider them both not replying. And if i didn't mind the other not texting, i shouldn't mind the other not texting back anymore. Still one's mind. Empty. Free. Peaceful. Yeah...

Pretty gloomy outside. Seems like it's going to rain but the rain is not falling. and the wind.... and i am still here, waiting...

Friday, December 22, 2006

Happy holidays?

Yes, it is a question. A lot of people are telling me that this year, at this time of the year, it doesn't feel like christmas. For me, it doesn't as well. But does it matter? Does this point out something? I guess I'd rather not delve deeper into the matter, or else I will end up thinking a lot again, and who knows where that will lead me again. Thinking seems so real to me - it's like I am having a real conversation with myself, in my head, and at times i think i thought that i am saying what I am thinking out loud when in fact it is just the voice of my mind. Of course, since it is all in my head, i hear my own thoughts, but to think that i might be saying it out loud, now, that's my problem. So, I keep reminding myself: keep mind silent. I don't need to think, because my thinking too much leads to all of these "worries"/anxiety/fear, and I just get all worked up into this constricted person inside. Paranoia... Feels like I am losing my mind, losing myself...

Well, for today, I don't have much to do. We just have until tomorrow to come in for work for this month, and work starts again on January 2 next year. A co-worker will be delegating work to me later, that is after she gets it done. So, am left to spend my own time for now. To think of it, I should have brought over the book on Zen that I am trying to finish. Actually, I do something else to do: to update the list of titles of the Master Talk shown every day and to do the inventory of the DVDs that i am asked to keep track of every week. But I am saving that, or else I wouldn't have anything else to do tomorrow. Almost half of the people who work here are at Albay for the medical and relief mission; if not, they are out of the country. So, imagine, office staff slashed to half for this week, then for Saturday, it is slashed to half again. So you see, nothing much to do anymore, really. :D For the last few days, i have been asking for things that i can do, to help others out since they are pretty much busier than i am. So there, if not for that, i will be a very idle person here, who is left to do a lot of thinking which is bad for my overall health - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

I am pretty hungry now, munching on the "hopia" pastry i brought over from China. Well, it's gonna go bad after 10 days, so better eat it anyway. :)

I haven't been doing much reading or writing lately, more like since the end of October. To many things to do or i am too lazy after work. :) Though i still buy books when i find some that i really like and am interested to read.

Well, for now, a job. :) so, gotta go! :) Later! :)

Sunday, November 26, 2006


Yeah, today, i just spent... oh, how did i spend my day?

i woke up early, took a bath (oh, by the way, did you know that we suddenly didn't have any water running through our water pipes as of Friday evening? luckily, though not really that prepared, my parents were able to get people to prepare water to be used at home. and they kept on buying distilled water for drinking purposes.), went to attend the medical mission of Tzu Chi held at the new Still Thoughts Hall at Cordillera cor. Agno. Sts.. I stayed until lunch time, but didn't eat lunch there anymore. was really tired, and was sort of zoning out while driving (not sleeping, but did know i was really tired.). but i got home safe.

i was supposed to go out this afternoon - a friend from Thailand was supposed to arrive this afternoon, but his trip got cancelled at the last minute today. It's so cool how we can travel here and there so conveniently, especially when we have the means to do so. :) hehe :) Before, it feels weird to travel here and there, but after getting to travel, it just seems normal - far places seem so near. :) You can come and go as you wish (i guess after some planning and spending first). :D so, i was supposed to be out the whole day today, but then, since he didn't arrive, then plans were scrapped. oh well.... in a way, i guess it is a good thing. i am really tired from this morning. if he did arrive, i would have been really tired even while hanging out, and it would be taxing for me to drive home late at night. because after eating lunch at home, and watching tv for a while, i really felt tired, not feeling like watching tv, and ended up sleeping the rest of the afternoon just to make up for the hours of lost sleep. now, am somewhat up and about. i told myself, "yeah, i wouldn't have the energy to really stay out. good thing i am home now and can get some rest."

well, had late dinner, and just watched tv... really felt like reading something, but yeah, pretty lazy. laziness gets the best of me. i wonder, "why do i always want to be lazy instead? is there really a reason for us to be lazy in doing something?" and of course, a distant memory flashes by, and i remember some other past event that leads me from one to another. :) hehe :) and here i am, thinking again - obsessive-compulsive thinking.... though i am trying to curb this "obsessive-compulsive thinking" since it always gets me into trouble that i don't really want to be in - creating self-doubt and doubt on people that i really care for. it brings out the worst in me that i know i should accept but should not rule me. fear... it constricts us into the small space that we still thought is our own to control - hoping to still control ourselves and hopefully, others and the events that surround us.

oh well....

gotta go.... can't feel my leg anymore. :D

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Just click on the picture to go to my googlepages. :) yeah, i am uploading pictures there, again. :)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Well, i was just uploading pictures of my stay in china this year. anyway, i have to re-"upload" it since something went wrong.

I was actually itching to write a blog during work. but now that i can do so at home, i feel pretty lazy. :) hehe :)

so far, work is kinda okay with me. sort of working out - i get to do what i want to do (which is more on writing and editing, some picture-taking, translating and such, aside from the organize this stuff and that, group this and that... :) ) It's all good, so far. :)

Just this afternoon, we went to Malabon to distribute relief goods to those affected by the fire at the Catmon area. i didn't do any actual handing out of goods - i was there more on the documentation side by taking pictures and to be writing down an article about the "activity". but when we got back to the office, i was pretty tired even when i didn't do anything strenous. You see more of the things that we don't usually see or notice. but it depends, i guess, if we still see when we are there or we just ignore it.... at times, i realize that i do "blind" myself from these stuff....

well, i don't really know what to write about right now.... there are a lot of other things that i want to do - read, write, exercise every morning, meet up, upload the pics, get on with my life, grow.... but, some i get to do, some i don't.... too lazy to get up early, tired once i get back home....

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Waking up from hibernation....

Hey there! I don't know if anybody is still checking out this site. hehe :) I have been in hibernation since January this year. First, as i have explained sometime this year in this blog of mine, i wasn't able to view blogger over at Beijing, therefore, even with the DSL connection we have there, there is no use for me to upload pics and post my blogs, not knowing how it came out. Blogs are censored there. So... :)

I got back July 20 this year. Partly not wanting to come back and wanting to just continue living the "dream" of being "independent", partly needing to come back because my reality now is to find a job - that is the next thing that is in line and must be done. And so, i came back home (as if i had a different choice - well i guess i do, but then, i didn't want to stay there in Beijing alone. i wouldn't last there.).

August, though i was somewhat looking for a job, i guess i am still in that dreamy state that i am still in Beijing, that things have not really changed that much. I don't really go out a lot here, but i guess if you compare me from way before (like in college and before i left), i enjoying going out now, to meet with my friends. Let's see, for August, I was out on the 1st (dinner with cousins), 4th (roadtrip to Liliw, Laguna to meet our close Thai friend that we met while studying in Beijing), 8th (met with another friend), 12th (spent almost the whole day with a real close friend that i know consider as family/cousin/sister), and from the 21st to the 25th, i was at Bangkok with my "cousin" to visit our Thai friends (my classmate in Beijing, and our Thai friend (the same people we met in Beijing).

September - well, i started becoming more serious in looking for a job. I told myself before i left for Bangkok that after the trip, i will be more serious when it comes to looking for a job. I still go out though. :) Well, once a week, i take a night looking and applying for jobs over the internet (through, More or less, every Wednesday/Thursday, my aunt invites me to go bowling (this started since August) - i do go. :) and on the 18th, met up with my cousins (as the 4 of us were okay with meeting each other once a month). It was really nice to meet up. :) Around this time, my mom was still really strict with my going out - very strict. I feel chained, and that is one reason why i feel that i want to "fight" it, but i didn't. I didn't want to cause any "disturbance" or conflicts at home. I really wanted to change for the better (controlling my temper and such). But it also made me sad because she is preventing me from meeting my friend-cousin that i really love meeting up with; my mom doesn't approve of her, fears that i will be influenced into doing things when in fact she must realize that if i do things, it is not because i am influenced, but it is because i decided to do so. Whatever happens, i decide, so she cannot blame anyone else for the changes that she sees in me. I decided to change - whether i was influenced or not, and it will be my decision to allow to be influenced or not. But my mom and i did get to talk and i explained this to her. After that, she was more or less able to let me go out. She still doesn't like it when i go out with my friend-cousin, but there is nothing else that she can do to prevent me. I do ask for permission whenever i go out, and i don't just leave the house, so she can't say that she doesn't know where i am etc... Although she always says that i am always going out when, if you count the thursdays for bowling (around 4 times), and the monthly meeting of the 4 of us (once), and the just me and friend-cousin Janelle (once), then that would just be going out 6 times in a month, and not really every single day. My sister goes out a lot as well, but they don't stop her. It's just with me. And with my brother, he doesn't really like going out much. *sigh*

October, let's see. Well, i was getting sick a lot this month. So, i wasn't able to go to any bowling night. But i met up with friend-cousin Janelle on the 10th, and boy, did we have a good time! We just spent the night talking talking and talking. :) hehe :) Yeah, we just had a really long conversation. We were supposed to go driving around, but then, i guess we just felt so comfortable talking and talking, we just kinda forgot about it. :) On the 23rd, was out the afternoon to meet with a family friend, then met my cousins and my bestfriend for dinner to celebrate my birthday (on the 24th). I felt kinda sick that night (probably tired from the previous week) - felt it was cold even when i was just seated outside the cafe, no airconditioning. But i got better afterwards. :) Although for this month, i was really wondering and fearful that i might end up not finding a job. Was so depressed that i didn't know what to do and just wanted to cry (and i did). But well, lo and behold, i just got a job on the 23rd. I started working on the 25th, but it is just on a voluntary basis (meaning no pay yet), but the actual pay starts on November. No problem with me. :) [It's for Tzu Chi, a non-profit charity Buddhist Organization]. :) I am more or less an all-around personnel at the moment, but they make me do more writing and editing, and help out in printing, cutting, laminating, making calls, taking pictures for documentation and stuff. Well, at least i learn. :) And it keeps me busy, so i don't "think" too much about worries for the future, my "paranoia" and such. It felt so quiet there, and my heart seemed to be more at peace there. :) been looking for that "inner peace", and i felt it there. :) I've just started, so let's see how i'll do in a month, then in two months, and so on.. :)

funny how i titled this post as "Waking Up From Hibernation". :) Back in Beijing, one of my cousins kept on calling me Panda(熊猫xiong mao in mandarin). so what's the connection? anyway, it seemed that i did hibernate from blogging for a while, and now, i am back. :) hehe :)
oh well, got to go. back hurts.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

It's another year - it's now 2006, and am just 3, no, 2 years away from being 26.... :)

Hi there! Yes, I haven't been updating my blog for the past, let's see, 3 months? :) I'm so sorry. :)
It's just that I can't even view my blog here and I don't like not being able to preview what i typed in or the pictures that i uploaded. so i used while i'm here. :) if you want to see the pictures, please send me an email. :) I know, i used to email you guys the link. but lately, i have been dazed with the uploading and the emailing. hehe :)

Well, during September, of course, we have just started classes here. October, i was able to spend my birthday here with my classmates. November, went on a week-long trip with classmates and the rest of the other classes in the Intensive Studies Department. :) December, my cousin and I moved into the new school dorm since it is warmer and cleaner and better (though smaller) than the dorm we stayed from September to December 15. :) We were lucky that my 2 japanese friends, Yukari and Azumi, helped us out in moving our stuff from the old dorm to the new dorm. :) Of course, i also spent December 23 with my classmates to celebrate christmas - dinner and then karaoke. :) December 25, and December 31, we spent with some Fil-Chi Friends we met here. January 1, just stayed in since we were super tired since we slept around 3am. we also watched a heart wrenching film that made me cry. :) January 2, we checked out some apartments in the area that we are interested in moving into this coming term. January 3, we stayed in, had late lunch/early dinner ("lunner" as my cousin and i called it) before we watched another movie that made us cry. :) hehe :) after that, we accompanied our prospective 5th roommate for next term to see the place that my cousin's place is living in. It is really nice there - looks so homey and the bathroom! - i love the bathroom or should i say, we love the bathroom. It is fully furnished and it is cheaper compared to the dorm and the other apartments we have asked/visited so far. the only thing is, it is farther away from school, but it is a 10-minute bus ride, but i guess it's not that bad, if you think about it. :) but we will still be looking at some other rooms in the next couple of days. :) but i guess that THAT room is already in the top of our list (actually, yesterday, we had a different room at heart, but after going to my cousin's friend's place for the 2nd time, my heart wanted THAT room). even the prospective roomie wanted THAT room better than the one she saw this afternoon - at least, 3 out of 5 wants THE room. 2 out of 5 is not here in beijing now, so i guess, the 3 of us will decide. :) hehe :)

well, that's just about it. :) i'm just trying to use up the remaining internet time for the month of december (i chose the 120 hours per month, and we have like 20+ hours left to use up up to today, january 4[they sort of made an extension or something like that]). :) Just making the most out of what i, ehem my parents, paid for. :) hehe :)

I hope to see you all soon.... :) We will be leaving for Hong Kong on the 24th of January, then leaving HK for the Philippines on the 27th, in time for the chinese new year. :) and then be back in beijing around February 10 something. :)

see you all soon! :) keep in touch and let's meet up once i'm in the philippines. :) take care! :)