Monday, March 29, 2010

there's beauty in working late at night.
quiet and solitude.
concentration and relaxation, in a way.

there's also beauty in working at home.
A little laid back, but not completely so.
Freedom, yet still adhering to certain personal work goals for the day.

and now, back to work. :) one more to go, and back to la-la land. :D
(with "Notting Hill" in the background, after X-Men 2 and some few other movies at HBO and Star Movies) Poor Diane. She had a bad dream a while ago. I am glad she is able to go back to sleep. :)

Saturday, March 20, 2010

you say that my feelings right now are pretty much mixed up - sad, sort of happy and relaxed, and neutral (i guess more on bordering towards some sadness).

what i plan to do tonight is to either watch movies/dvd series or actually finish a book (of whatever type - novel, comics that i have bought in thailand, or whatever else i have at home). i also find that i think i really need to finish burning aunt michelle a copy of the classical music i like. i seem to be finding it in myself somewhat lost and empty, listless, yet also somewhat content. content in the matter that i get to spend time with family. so relaxed is my schedule. though i am also thinking of other stuff - trips, stuff to save for now and buy later, things that i have to buy and thinking if i have enough funds to purchase such stuff, and paying for monthly pledges that i have made(will that leave me enough spending money for the next 15 days?) i think i do have enough, but why am i anxious and a little worried that i may not have enough and have to get some from my savings? i know i am holding myself back on that, but saving is not a bad thing at all. but why do i feel this way? i am not denying myself of any basic need, and i am deciding to spend wisely on stuff that i only do really need... i guess the very fact that i am afraid to touch the money lest i squander it on other things makes me anxious before i do anything at all - even in just making sure that i deposit the money. bah... i should not worry. i am aware of where i want to spend it, what i want to save it for, why i want to save it. i do end up splurging on some little thing, but i do know i also make and keep an effort to keep to what i can only spend on. there is no need to worry - i haven't done anything. and paying for what needs to be paid is my responsibility. so, there, done. :D

sadness and neutrality comes in to certain life events the last couple of days - chest x-ray results (2) of which gave me some scare. the first gave a little uncertainty, the second still needs to be interpreted by another doctor. to live life more and to take the risks i do want to take came into mind yesterday. but neutrality comes in because i don't want to overdo stuff - as i get rash, impulsive, emotional and all others.... to live doesn't mean that i go running off doing all the things i want (well, partly it is - to do things that i want, i plan to do, i dream to do), but a big chunk of it is actually living each moment of my life fully - with a happy, content heart, mind and soul - whatever comes my way. understanding and accepting life, and moving on, learning more, by "living" more - happy and content through these things. these words and thoughts come so easily. but i believe that each day, i find simple moments like these have become part of my day each day. i want to do more and to be more, but i am also happy(content) on where i am right now. of course, there is also that part which still yearns out, and so may seem discontented, but i tell myself that that is what will be and i will not force it. i will work towards it in my own pace, and the pieces will just fall into place. maybe that is really what is in store, or probably there is something much more to that, much different, yet equally meaningful. so many paths that i can see before me, but i can only choose one at a time. Dear me... i do hope that all of us will see that in our lives, so that we don't give up on ourselves, and persevere on forward...

but for now, i can only see Now clearer than Tomorrow. I don't really know what will come Tomorrow, and i cannot do anything about Yesterday anymore. i remember Yesterday clearly, yet nothing can change it; it changes us when we learn from it and accept it - it makes us who we were, who we are and who we will be. it makes us "us". it makes you "you", and it makes me "me". Not knowing it doesn't change things, knowing and understanding doesn't change anything else at all, except change us "inside" and therefore how we perceive life Now, how we decide to live life, and how we will perceive a Tomorrow for ourselves. There is no tangible changes, yet we know and feel them. We just do, and we feel happy, content, and complete, just as we are, just as things are. it is as if part of the missing pieces in the puzzle of our life have appeared or made itself visible and filled the spot where it had been missing from all along, giving our life more meaning, more color, more breadth and depth, and in a way, a wholeness/completeness that comes from being incomplete. And later on we realize that this comes from finally seeing, understanding and accepting that we don't lack anything at all, that we're not missing anything anymore, and that things are meant they are because we are the way we are - we are good and it has never left us. Don't you think so?

Saturday, March 06, 2010

it has already been three months into the new year. each day passes by so fast... and this is only the first time i've written since the year started. though i find myself somewhat troubled.... troubled by my own mental well-being...

i've been thinking a lot again lately. not something i expected. though that's one thing i've learned the past years - do not expect anything. same intensity as before, but i guess i'm more stronger and aware now, so it doesn't gripe me in fear too much anymore. It still can, but i can pry it loose most of the time.

recently, an opportunity for serious growth and self-reflection came my way, when a really close friend sent me the following statement: "when you are always conscious of how people might perceive you... you are actually thinking more about yourself than about them." this shook things up a lot in me. you can say i was caught truly unaware. how i felt - i felt challenged, lost, and a lot more insecure. there was so much truth in it, but it also felt like an attack to my Being. It's ironic in that way, as it was ironic how the words "authenticity", "self-conscious", "Being" seemed to have had two or more meanings. There were two ways that i had to see it from - from my point of view as My Own Being and from the point of view of my friend.

On my side, i found the truth in it because i am aware of my thoughts and feelings as they arise. i do feel self-conscious a lot, especially right afterwards talking with people. after being out there, i suddenly get a shock and realize that i might have said something wrong, that i was too forward or rash, that i was too "whatever" that i would worry about how i will end up looking. I am selfish being this way, and i feel guilty of being selfish. Of course, the very statement above also made me feel that i might have been a fake. This startled me a lot, that i felt dejected and listless, afraid and anxious, speechless and paralyzed. Has my 28 years of existence been a lie? Am i just who i think i am based on how i see people see me? So am i just projecting what they want to see me to be? Have i been living a lie? I asked so many questions of myself. I can't get it out of my head.

It troubled me so much, affected me, not just because there is the truth in it, but also because i was also trying to prove my existence - that i was real, that the life i have been living so far is true and real. I know that all this time, all i've said(and not said), done(and have not done), and experienced(and, you guessed it, have not experienced), are true, and i have been there when those things happened, aware but blind to it, up to the point that i am aware and facing it face to face, unable to run away anymore. When i speak my mind with really good friends, i convey these thoughts and feelings as i draw them from my heart, mind and soul. i have been true to myself and truly myself most times - in times when i can be alone, when i am with really good friends, and even with strangers. But i have to admit that on the other times, i work within the limits of "societal norms". I admit that i don't want things to get harder when things are already hard. I still have to live, work and function in this world with others, to coexist even if i am a usually antisocial and introverted person. I am still part of this world, even if at some point, i have to put on some cloak to hide some parts of myself so that i can fit in a little and be a good and respecting citizen. I do not want to destroy any thing - i want to help. I contribute. and part of this interwoven network and interconnected world. Only showing a fraction of my self... I am not fake, but yes, maybe i am a coward...

But, "living" my life so far, have i already done anything? Probably this is where my friend is coming from - her side, also the side that the Universe with Endless Possibilities present. Her statement also brought me back and helped me find myself once more - I am not lost, and I am not alone. I am here, now. And thanks to another friend, i am reminded of it all. Through another point of view, a much wider and broader one, Authenticity and Self-conscious somehow takes a somewhat different meaning. Authenticity in the sense that i live out more of myself in all that i do - speech, doing, Being - compared to the fraction i express and show to the world before. To not be afraid to shake things up a little in the world in the society with my ideas, my opinions, with My Presence. Taking rein and control of what i do, and doing more more aggressively. Rather, it is taking charge of myself rather than leaving it to the Heavens. It works that way - but at times, the Heavens do also wait for that very Action to roll the ball again so that we can progress to the next chapter(s) of our lives. To not be afraid anymore, and just be me. To Shine with my own Being, with my own Light. Just as we are all ought to be doing - radiating our Inner Light, so that others may find their Light and shine as well. To let go of the "self-conscious" that limits the Light to shine through, that controls what should have been long expressed, that shrinks away from the light of One's Being, that looks up on others and that sees only our own flaws, inhibiting our own confidence, our own Power, our Voice, and ultimately our Being.

We have grown to choking ourselves in our self-conscious ways because we don't want to offend society and to not make a disgrace out of ourselves - society has conditioned us to this, but we also played a passive role in letting it become a habit and a holding power in us. We blame others for being silent, yet we are ourselves guilty of being silent because we are afraid to rock the boat, limiting the change and improvement that will benefit one and all from coming into Being. WE chose not to speak up partly out of fear, and partly because we felt it was not our place nor within our power to do so. We are afraid to be casualties of a just cause, especially if we are not misguided at all. We fall back right into the same cage, the same rut. In the end, we disgrace ourselves for not being able to Live Fully, for not being able to just fully Be, for limiting ourselves from all that we can be. Degrading ourselves to be just less of what We already are - beautifully perfect and imperfect. Our perfect imperfection makes us unique and makes us who we are individually.

We don't find empowerment outside - just support - because empowerment comes from within. We hold the Key to ourselves, we hold the answers to our Life, We are our Life. All that matters now is, "Will i take charge? Will I use my Voice? Will I use my Life? Will I live my Life? Will I be I?" It is a challenge - will we heed the siren call and take it head on? Seriously, I still have to make my choice. And so do you.