Definitely what a day.... actually, it's been a "very" active 10 months - active when it comes to decisions, choices, reflections, revelations, and so much more.... Changes definitely abound from all those. like any of those changes, another came today. so do i actually lose a friend? i actually don't know. and i just prayed the best for her. and at one point, i just feel empty and neutral. even sadness is not really sadness. and it was in some way easy to let her go. now, that is something.....
all nighter.... well, i guess i'll go to sleep now. then wake up again in a short while. hoping that the net will be faster....
Early in the morning, i wake up, restless and tense. All my worries, big and small overwhelm me. I pray and pray to soothe my soul. It does. And even with this tightness and constrictions in my chest, i push myself to move forward. Day in day out, i feel a part of me becoming dull and angry, dying and feeling incapable. I made this decision, so i should see it through.
For almost a month now, this is how it is in the mornings. A battle to get some more sleep when i wake up in the morning. But the ache is so strong, that i have started not fighting anymore. I lift it up, as i have done so, but more so now with a bit more of letting go. I have come to realize to in moments like these in the mornings that i havent spent much time with myself. I've only come to write once again today - not just on some random thoughts or to make a point for others to understand, but rather on something that i truly feel vulnerable with and raw straight from munheart and soul. I havent enjoyed the skies as i have fondly done so. Nor have i been able to make much time with my plants. Music has also been left out for so long, i feel that my soul got chained and unable to be free to go along with the melody. And j havent cried, havent cried out how i truly feel. With the daily thoughts on tasks that needs to get done, i have placed them on the side, hoping to do them another day. and everyday, i seem to burn bits and pieces of my soul, charring them to numb them up later on.
I'm thankful that i have appreciated home more now. Time spent at home, family, and most especially with my mom more recently have helped me have something to look forward to. I count down the days of the week until i get to go home again, enjoying the time and hoping and wishing for more time when its time to get back to work. We dont do any special activities, just simple errands. But they make me feel calm, able to disconnect from all my work-related thoughts and worries. And it makes happy to see that my mom is becoming more active in going out, proactive to doing what she wants, and im happy that ahe has chosen me to be one of her companions during times such as these. I dont know if she knows, but it does really make me so happy that we spend more time, and right at this very moment, i want to cry tears of happiness - it replaced the tears of uncertainty that i felt a moment ago.
Through all the mistakes that i've made, like leaving my car keys locked inside my car and having my phone stolen because i wasnt careful as i am usually so, i understand that i have made little pressures affect me so much. I overwhelmed myself that the pressure makes me want to run away. It does so because i dont like it and it shows in my averse reaction towards it, and therefore stirs up all these tension and anxieties, stressing myself more and making me more out of it. I havent admitted this lately until today, when i have started writing once again, to reach out towards what is true and real inside of me. I have so wanted and still wanting to write out what is truly in my mind about myself, my heart's aching, of things that i've been hiding from so many. To let go and start becoming myself and accepting myself. I do, but i still havent stood ground for myself much as ive usually kept quiet. I dont need to announce it to the world too, but then being to set a part of me free from hiding will be so liberating. Oh love.
So today, i took action, not to fight the impossibilty of sleep but rather made it time for myself. I wanted music, and so i popped in a new CD and started writing this entry. In the process, it tamed my thoughts and emotions. They and I both needed this release. And with that, sleep is starting to cteep back. I smile becasue that's a good reaction and result though i am pretty sure i'll do so otherwise and be busy with stuff u want to do and get done today.
To end today's entry, i would like to write the thoughts that i actually prompted me to start this today:
I miss you...
I miss holding ur hand in mind,
Walking side by side.
Talking, or even in silence,
As long as i am right beside you.
I am able to set myelf free,
Open and real.
Expressive and true.
With you, i can do anything.
Your very presence in my life
Helps me see that more things are possible.
And when im with you,
I cant help but think and believe
that i can do and achieve all that can be.
Im afraid but willing to take brave steps
With you behind me.
And with you now far away,
I miss you so much.
I love you very much still.
The very thought of ur face makes me smile.
Be safe and well always, my love.
You are always in my heart and in my prayers.
I struggle with my self....
with my very existence.
Am i not doing enough?
Is it alright to be content and comfortable?
My chest tightens.
Moments of beauty together with Thoughts of fear.
Am I enjoying myself too much?
Without thinking of what's to come tomorrow?
Blessed with a comfortable life.
Nothing more to worry about.
Except life itself -
how will i live it?
how will i survive on my own?
Trying to live as my heart wishes,
Yearning for more of my dreams to come true.
Yet am i really doing so?
Unable to speak up,
afraid to stand up for most of things.
Always searching for answers.
Yet i've known them all along.
Hoping to hear and see perfect answers.
But i am just disillusioning myself this way.
I won't deny - hope is there, and dreams do come true.
sometimes as i wished it to be, others not as we had expected it to be.
We all know that it all depends on these:
When will i decide to bring it and my heart into action?
When will i not be afraid to live, and be me?
Before, i used to yearn for "Freedom" a lot. Freedom to do what i want, Freedom to go out without being questioned too much. It's true - i did think of life in its simplest term, without wondering about the other stuff connected to "freedom" and the term "independence".
Even now that i am working, i still have this idealistic view of the world. Should i want to do something, it is possible. Well, it is possible, but it is not the fast forward kind of end result that we see like in the movies. Movies are too fast forward, limited by the one-hour to two-hour time limit. But our life can span years, and results of work and effort actually take time. Time has been going much quickly lately, yet each moment, second,minute,hour and day has to pass, until months and years complete themselves. Just like now, it's hard to believe, but yes, I am 30 years old. Time flew by. So imagine, there are certain life-changing events and decisions that won't just get completed in just a day. Most would take months or even years. Some take most of a lifetime to prepare for. Plus, we have to take into account the realistic side of life - finances and logistics(lodging, food, etc...). Now, life ain't as easy as we once they were. Life won't stay the same, change will surely come. They come slowly, or they come in one big leap. However much we want everything to stay the same, well, something will change. Some are easier to adjust and adapt to. Others are so big that it takes you by surprise, jolting you with confusion until you are able to make sense of it and slowly make your way through.
So i ask myself, "what is freedom?" I believe that despite the general definition of freedom being "doing things without restraint", every single person may have a different interpretation and take on it. There are certain freedoms that we have that others would like to have, and vice versa. There is financial freedom, physical freedom, emotional freedom....
I will use myself as an example. I work for a non-profit organization. I have to admit that had it not been for my parents supporting me, i wouldn't be able to last long and fend for myself with the salary one gets from a non-profit org. Even if i want to go out and leave on my own, there is too much to consider, and after deducting rent, electricity, water, i might not have enough for food and transportation anymore. There goes financial freedom. Based on this, i definitely have to look for a better paying job. But having not practiced my degree in IT (i really don't want to do programming because the program/code from these projects tend to run over and over again in my mind. i can't sleep properly, and if i don't sleep properly, well, expect me being lethargic the next day), I fear that i won't be able to find a good job. I don't have financial security at all, to some degree.
Another point in my life is with regard to going out on my free time. Not to sound ungrateful to my parents, but going out is actually somewhat hard for me to do. I guess it depends on the activity. If it is something to do with family, even if it is last minute or on the spot, they allow me to go out with no problem at all. But when it is an activity that's somewhat foreign sounding to them, or if it relates to people that they don't quite like, despite these people being good friends of mine who are really kind despite being different, well, expect things to get a little harder and hammered with so many questions. It's usually because of the latter that i have a hard time telling them that i am going out to do this and that, or to go out with this and that. I feel constricted this way. And usually, my mom will really make me feel that she is unhappy about it. i don't want her to always get worked up like that. I also get worked up too, before and after letting them know of my plans. Even if i don't have any physical chains that lock me inside the house, there are invisible ones that hold on to my heart and mind. I stay home begrudgingly at times because i don't want to make trouble. I thread carefully so that i will not cause a ripple of unhappiness. But it is so tiring. I complain, but i can't even fight for myself. There is respect and there is fear for my mom. Usually, it is fear that permeates from me. I fear that what i say and do next may jeopardize my future chances. so you see, i am not chained from the outside, but i am chained within.
To others, this isn't an issue. To others, this has been unheard of. Again, "what is freedom?" Each one of us will definitely have a different answer with regard to ourselves. Some others can say it easily that i just need more freedom. Some others will understand why i am still here. But in the end, there will be a choice i have to make. I have to get ready for whatever may follow once the decision is made.
Of course, i yearn to break free of these bonds. Though at the start, it may seem that my parents have inflicted this on me, but upon longer reflection, it is actually myself that placed these limits on myself. If i am afraid to move forward, then i'll definitely won't be able to move forward even a step at all. In my mind, i can't break free of what i think they'll think of me. If it remains that way, always wanting them approve everything, well, i'll always be in the same place. If i don't speak, they won't understand. If i do speak up, how will they take it? Again, am I ready for a big change should things get explosive? I pray that things may go peacefully well. My mind is filled with fears, even up to the minutest details. I've always been that way. I want to be needed, i want to be useful. It's because of this fear that i am able to prepare for the worst. But it is also this very same fear that prevents me from getting out of my own rut and holds me back. Funny, i don't want to let go of Fear? even if it is keeping me back from what i aspire and love, and from the people that i care for? How ironic. Yes, it's a big question in life - how i can treat myself this way.
I do wonder from time to time, after the strong urge to break free softens, if being where i am right now is so bad. there is also a sense of freedom that can be found in contentment. When things are going well, everything peaceful, i think this way. Yet when things start to heat up again, well, you guessed it, i want to get away as soon as i can. THat is, until reality hits me in the head, and i am reminded of my currently personal financial situation. Yes, reality strikes back to wake you up.
I've never been one to rush. I make more mistakes and bad choices that way. For now, i'll stick to doing things one at a time. First, to make my diet a success, and to keep myself healthy and in that ideal weight for thereon forth. When i can take care of myself in that area, i'll go for what's next up my list: my self-sufficiency. If i become self-sufficient, there's nothing else to be afraid of anymore. because if i can achieve those two, that means i can do it and other things that i want to achieve in my life. And that would mean i can stand on my own feet, take care of myself and take care of others.
One at a time. Yes. And through it all, never forget to smile and to laugh. Slowly but surely, i'll get there, piece by piece. If i can't enjoy the small things, how am i going to be able to cherish the bigger things that come my way? Plus, it is easier to move on forward with a lighter heart that has learned from past burdens. It's not cliche when they say that the small things make up the big things. Our Life is made up of every moment, how minute they might be.
When little things in life are able to make you smile, it is already a big thing. :)
"We throw things out because we don't want to see them.
Things. People. Relationships.
Anything. And Everything.
If we don't throw it out, we can't run away from it, and we can't go on living.
If we don't throw it out, the weight will keep us from moving forward. Even if we realize later that it was important to us.
So we throw out the things that we don't need. And over time, the things that we really did need that we threw out start piling up, and create this Mountain which became the end of the world. That is why i have to get it back.
Destroying it only takes a moment. However, you do not know if your destruction of it will create the perfection you desire. But though you love it, it must be destroyed.
People say goodbye. People get divorced. People run away from their instruments.
If you don't discard these painful things, nothing can be perfect.
Now I understand that this is the way the world works sometimes.