I can't help but realize how much i miss you so.
Early in the morning, i wake up, restless and tense. All my worries, big and small overwhelm me. I pray and pray to soothe my soul. It does. And even with this tightness and constrictions in my chest, i push myself to move forward. Day in day out, i feel a part of me becoming dull and angry, dying and feeling incapable. I made this decision, so i should see it through.
For almost a month now, this is how it is in the mornings. A battle to get some more sleep when i wake up in the morning. But the ache is so strong, that i have started not fighting anymore. I lift it up, as i have done so, but more so now with a bit more of letting go. I have come to realize to in moments like these in the mornings that i havent spent much time with myself. I've only come to write once again today - not just on some random thoughts or to make a point for others to understand, but rather on something that i truly feel vulnerable with and raw straight from munheart and soul. I havent enjoyed the skies as i have fondly done so. Nor have i been able to make much time with my plants. Music has also been left out for so long, i feel that my soul got chained and unable to be free to go along with the melody. And j havent cried, havent cried out how i truly feel. With the daily thoughts on tasks that needs to get done, i have placed them on the side, hoping to do them another day. and everyday, i seem to burn bits and pieces of my soul, charring them to numb them up later on.
I'm thankful that i have appreciated home more now. Time spent at home, family, and most especially with my mom more recently have helped me have something to look forward to. I count down the days of the week until i get to go home again, enjoying the time and hoping and wishing for more time when its time to get back to work. We dont do any special activities, just simple errands. But they make me feel calm, able to disconnect from all my work-related thoughts and worries. And it makes happy to see that my mom is becoming more active in going out, proactive to doing what she wants, and im happy that ahe has chosen me to be one of her companions during times such as these. I dont know if she knows, but it does really make me so happy that we spend more time, and right at this very moment, i want to cry tears of happiness - it replaced the tears of uncertainty that i felt a moment ago.
Through all the mistakes that i've made, like leaving my car keys locked inside my car and having my phone stolen because i wasnt careful as i am usually so, i understand that i have made little pressures affect me so much. I overwhelmed myself that the pressure makes me want to run away. It does so because i dont like it and it shows in my averse reaction towards it, and therefore stirs up all these tension and anxieties, stressing myself more and making me more out of it. I havent admitted this lately until today, when i have started writing once again, to reach out towards what is true and real inside of me. I have so wanted and still wanting to write out what is truly in my mind about myself, my heart's aching, of things that i've been hiding from so many. To let go and start becoming myself and accepting myself. I do, but i still havent stood ground for myself much as ive usually kept quiet. I dont need to announce it to the world too, but then being to set a part of me free from hiding will be so liberating. Oh love.
So today, i took action, not to fight the impossibilty of sleep but rather made it time for myself. I wanted music, and so i popped in a new CD and started writing this entry. In the process, it tamed my thoughts and emotions. They and I both needed this release. And with that, sleep is starting to cteep back. I smile becasue that's a good reaction and result though i am pretty sure i'll do so otherwise and be busy with stuff u want to do and get done today.
To end today's entry, i would like to write the thoughts that i actually prompted me to start this today:
I miss you...
I miss holding ur hand in mind,
Walking side by side.
Talking, or even in silence,
As long as i am right beside you.
I am able to set myelf free,
Open and real.
Expressive and true.
With you, i can do anything.
Your very presence in my life
Helps me see that more things are possible.
And when im with you,
I cant help but think and believe
that i can do and achieve all that can be.
Im afraid but willing to take brave steps
With you behind me.
And with you now far away,
I miss you so much.
I love you very much still.
The very thought of ur face makes me smile.
Be safe and well always, my love.
You are always in my heart and in my prayers.