i am just staving off sleep, when i know that i should go to bed. the weather, cold for a normal night in Manila. not that it is bad. not that it is good either.
so many things are darting back and forth in my mind. things to remember, things to do. hope and fear pop up now and then. then silence. and then something else. mouth is closed shut, not a word muttered. yet it is so loud in my head, my every thought resounding in this "silence". i could have sworn i have heard my voice, talking out loud. Only thing is, i am thinking out loud inside my head.
i wish to tell a lot of truths... truths that shall seal my fate in some horrible yet also enriching way.... balance, they say.... it's taking the good with the bad, and the bad with the good. you can never have everything good together and the same it is with the bad. you get what you're meant to get - you learn what you need to learn. and for people like me who have still stayed neutral, with no decision, i find no balance, for i want to get all the good, and none of the bad. i fear for how my life will fare with the bad that may come my way. i fear the end of my existence in this world - shut out from my loved ones, perceived differently because of the truth of who i am.
were it easy to tell the truth, i would have done so earlier on. yet for us simple humans, we have made it so complicated. rules upon rules of engaging with one another, that we have muddled up what should have been a straightforward and honest way of connecting and interacting with one another. walls we created around ourselves is not a problem. it's that we never can let them down anymore. so much for the truth now, since we don't really express it anymore. the majority versus the minority - a minority that aims to be true, authentic. Labeled. Shunned out. Outcast. we do that to each other, don't we? we were trained to conform, to respect others. but in respect to ourselves, do we do the same - respect ourselves and conform to our own ways and just be ourselves? Not really. Not much. That is why i so admire people who have walked out of their shells of conformity and stood as their own. Moving forward, striding with Self confidence. the warm fire of Life and Love burning in their hearts and souls. Beings that are not fallen down by anything else negative, and are pushed up farther ahead by all that is positive. Living, Moving, Connecting, Understanding, Embracing and Evolving into One. The Perfect Wholeness, Found from Within our own Imperfections as Humans. Indescribable, but completely understandable nevertheless.
Hold your Heart. Touch it. You know what you are looking for. a big part of it is love and peace from within. May we finally find and take on our paths. i wish us all well in our own journeys, Friend. May you be safe and well always.