Saturday, November 14, 2009

Awareness - towards "Digesting" our thoughts and emotions

If i try to remember from way back.... from way back into the start... before being born into this world.... all i can remember is nothingness. It is quiet. It is also still in my heart. I can't see way beyond that, just as i can't peer past into the future.

Once you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, it's really hard to deny what you feel and how you are thinking about things in your life. Even if the day-to-day and the moment-to-moment happenings seem something as small as what you see, what color the sky is right at this moment, what you are feeling... you just can't deny that you can feel, hear, see and understand them all. Before being aware, you can easily be blind to it all. You can easily shut yourself within your own dark walls and stay away from it all. But after you've awaken your awareness, it is hard to lie to oneself. When you try to go on doing things the other way as you want it to, even if you know it will end the way you don't want it to despite wishing that it would still end in the best outcome possible, you end up regretting it because you chose to ignore what you truly did feel deep within you - in your heart and soul, as they speak to your mind directly. You know that you have to listen to yourself, but you chose not to. Of course, you end up being regretful and ashamed of not being there for yourself, but you learn from this, and you move on, growing and learning from these experiences.

I can feel all these thoughts running in my head; I can also feel the rush of different emotions that starts swirling here and there in my chest. I am aware of them all. And sometimes, i can be swept up by the strong current of these thoughts, by these feelings, or at times by both - a tidal wave of numbing proportions that leaves me paralyzed with fear. But more or less, in "ordinary" days, it's humbling to observe these thoughts and feel these emotions. You learn to be true and to be honest with yourself, and at the same time, start to acknowledge that we can be mean to others, even in just the simplest of thoughts. We may not say them out loud, but they're there - judging. When i feel myself judging, i remind myself that i am no different from them at all because i am Human, and i am not Perfect, yet I am who I am, with no need to change myself to hide my true nature. and even if i do hide those imperfections, it is with knowing that i yearn to change for the better by using those imperfections as grounds to improve myself and be a better person, not just for myself. Because when we do change, the effects of the(se) changes within us will ripple out towards those around us. They can feel the difference too. Just like when sadness can be felt by others and repel others to stay away, or when happiness/joy infects other people around to feel that light, warm feeling, these changes, no matter how subtle, can be picked up by another's heart, soul, being. We cannot deny that, unless we choose to be blind, unless we choose not to see even when we know it's there. Just like what i've read, it's like we call on this "fog" to obscure the real reflection from the mirror, distorting the truth or creating illusions.

Just this afternoon, i can remember feeling jealous, protective, happy, sad, afraid, caring, loving, judgmental, humbled, positive, negative, empowered, powerless, thankful, confused and unfocused, centered... These are a myriad of emotions, but i feel one or more of these at a certain moment, on its own or in combinations i cannot even name. In every second and each passing moment, my feelings change from one form to another, from one mood to another. Just imagine how thoughts were and are going through in my mind. It's like the flicker of the candle light, swaying to the flow of the wind - moving from side to side, shrinking, or suddenly bursting out in great heights - the wick burning slowly, or fast, due to the wax and oil that continue to feed its flames. We certainly cannot remove the wax(body) nor the wick(life). We live through it, until it ends, and we move on to another plane or back.

We learn to live with what we have in each reincarnation of our lives, and hopefully find contentment and peace by making peace and amends with ourselves and then with others, accepting who we are ourselves and then learning to accept and respect others. We yearn to truly "connect" with others, to find that "connection", but we must first "reconnect" from within ourselves. Hopefully, in the process, we find the answers from within and learn how we can be of benefit to others and to the Universe, even in our most singular form, in the most minute detail of Time and Space. Yes, these can sound so idealistic, and really hard to do, but it is achievable, as long as we do it with our heart and soul, and with the best of intentions. Never forget to be aware of your intentions in every action, in every thought, and in every word that comes from you.

Of course, being aware can be really hard at times, because you definitely know that you're sad or confused, and you're unable to help it but to just let it be. There will be days like that, just as there will be days when it is just so peaceful and calm, filled with happiness and contentment that all you can do is smile from your heart, from the inside out. :) Of course, it all depends on how you choose how to live each moment: lonely and bitter, or calm and humbled. :) We choose, we decide. So remember, you have that choice too. You always did have it, and you still do. :)

Saturday, November 07, 2009

A first and very "eventful" year in my life

in the last 26 years of my life, this 27th seems to be the most "event-filled" year. i don't know what will be coming in the years to follow, but certainly a lot has happened. comparing all that has happened below with the past 26 years, except starting from my 23rd or 24th year of existence in this world, life has been pretty dark for me. i had always thought cynically about stuff, always saw things at one dimension, carried a chip on my shoulder, burdening my heart with so many so-called heartaches, encircled and surrounded by my own fears and insecurities, thought that i was protected by keeping to my own, despite all the anger, despite all the fear, despite all the longing, despite all the sadness and despair, despite the loneliness, despite the "darkness" of it all....

First was the intention that i made this year towards growth in all aspect in my life. I think this started the chain of events, started the ball rolling... :)

Second, the change in my mom - in that she sorts of allows me to go to where i want when i tell her about, like she's is loosening her gripping hold on me.

Third, the sudden death of my paternal grandfather. We were just coming back from a family trip in Macau that very day. I believe my grandpa was just waiting for us to be back, safe and sound. He left the next day. But upon his leaving, somehow, "our" family (both immediate and among relatives) makes more effort to come together. :) "Angkong" is still watching us, i believe, smiling and enjoying a few tricks and jokes up his sleeves for us. :) For most, he is a kind and generous person. Within most of the family, he was strict yet loving. For me, i felt he wanted me to remember him this way, different in some ways from the others: loving and sweet, soft and kind, caring but not overbearing, affectionate when nobody is looking(but serious, self-confident and controlled most of the time when in front of others), seriously caring for the lives and the future of his family and descendants(sons and daughters, grandchildren and more great grandchildren, relatives, friends). And six months after his death, I am realizing that one thing about my angkong is true, even after death and in the after-life: he is a jokester at heart. Have fun, angkong. :) We are laughing with you. :) hahahahaha :)

Fourth, i was sick with dengue and was hospitalized for a week. Almost close to death at one point, i wonder what it is that are still in my life that i have to work towards for, my purpose. i've been relatively healthy all through my life, except in the first year of my birth and for the certain times in my life that my body was internally weak. Money truly cannot buy love, time and life; through the love people have for me, relatives, friends and co-workers donated blood for me so that the platelet can be extracted and be transfused to me. Thank you very much. The fact that i am living now is proof of your selfless love and care. :) Also, this gave me a new-found realization and gratitude for my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends, co-workers and all the people that surround me and are around me, near and far, in the circles and orgs i belong, and even those from outside those. :) We are truly a part of each other's lives, interconnected.

Fifth, i was stranded in the office due to the worst flooding yet in philippine history brought by "Ondoy".... not wanting it to be repeated, yet i found myself positive in that "mini-ordeal", that there is something to learn or that there is always a purpose to what is happening. i also learned that i was able to see it in a different light instead of being all negative, sad and complaining about it. i actually met and got to know someone new. even there, i felt warm and protected. and yes, after that day, the sun did come to shine again, welcoming a new day, and a new start/beginning.

Sixth, in this world, i am thankful and grateful that there are people like you who can understand me, much more than other people do. there are only a few of you who can easily understand and relate to me. i am often misunderstood, or seen as too deep or too serious about life. i guess at some point i am. :) but still, without you and some few others, i would only have writing to turn towards to, but that wouldn't be enough. i still need human interaction, even if only for the briefest time. to know that someone understands me, accepts me... whatever, whoever and however i may be... is a gift.... there is nothing i can do about people who don't understand me. but i can be thankful for having people who do understand me, and are there for me. :)

Seventh, i will be taking my real first trip ever on my own. I'll be flying to Bangkok and spending a week there. I am paying for all the expenses of the trip by myself. :) That's a first. :) Spending my hard-earned money for myself. :) It feels like some sort of independence in a lot of aspects. :) and i'll get to revisit and explore Thailand again(through and with myself, first and foremost, making it a very special and personal trip), and most importantly, see my Thai friends once again. :)

And Eighth, i am thankful and grateful to family, relatives and friends who continue to have faith in me, believe in the goodness and strength and me, and accept my imperfections as well together with the whole. Thank you for listening, advising and encouraging. Thank you for explaining, and for being frank and truthful. The truth hurts, but we learn from it. :) Thank you for being You. Your words of kindness, truth and honesty when speaking to me and when speaking/sharing about me to/with others help contribute in helping and letting others "see" me in a different perspective when they used to just usually see me in a negative light.

I may sometimes feel somewhat down and depressed, confused and listless, worried and paranoid, tired and unnerved. But this doesn't stop me anymore from looking at the bright side and the silver lining, from hoping and dreaming of and for the future, and from appreciating the reason why we are where we are and why these things happen to us. Each moment has a reason. Each moment a lesson. A small bleep in the vastness of our life, our spirt and our universe, yet every seemingly small speck of activity affects a lot of things which we most of the time are blinded to or just don't notice at all. :)

Good day, Everybody. May you be blessed. May you be safe. May you be well. Always. :)


There is actually a Ninth that i forgot to mention: This year, i was able to reconnect with friends or people that i wanted to get to know way back in high school. There are two of them, both upperclassmen, but they are really nice and great people. i really wanted to get to know them better back then, but i was myself occupied with my self-pity and insecurity, and they were also in something of their own as well. Meeting them again this year, after almost 10 years i think, and being able to talk to them, enjoying our conversation and each others' company is truly something to be happy about. It is as if we are given another, or rather, the right chance and opportunity to get to know each other after we got to do some of our own growing. :) If I am allowed to say it, i believe that the Universe brought our paths together again because the "Now" now is the right time. If we got to get to know each other back then, the outcome could have been different. But now that we are both "ready" ourselves and ready to meet, it's like the Universe brought us together once again so that we can start a friendship anew through this meeting. It's like, or rather, it is the perfect timing. and i believer there is a reason for each and every thing that has happened to us. We are each different yet also the same in who and how we were back then and who and how we are right now. :)

Wait.... Sit.... Simmer..... Boil..... Voila!

"simmer within the deep bowls of chaos/confusion and self-reflection... and when it comes to a boil, at the right time and at the right moment, the cover is opened up and removed, releasing the fresh aroma of understanding, acceptance and peace that you have found and discovered within yourself, waiting to be broken free from its hiding place within you."

"opened too soon, and you learn you should have had waited. opened too early, and realizing it, you wait within the cover and the pressure. opened too late, and you may end up dried up, rancid and gone bad, tired and desolute, cynical, depressed, wasted, feeling unworthy, dark and powerless, lifelessness staring out of your eyes..."