Saturday, March 20, 2010

you say that my feelings right now are pretty much mixed up - sad, sort of happy and relaxed, and neutral (i guess more on bordering towards some sadness).

what i plan to do tonight is to either watch movies/dvd series or actually finish a book (of whatever type - novel, comics that i have bought in thailand, or whatever else i have at home). i also find that i think i really need to finish burning aunt michelle a copy of the classical music i like. i seem to be finding it in myself somewhat lost and empty, listless, yet also somewhat content. content in the matter that i get to spend time with family. so relaxed is my schedule. though i am also thinking of other stuff - trips, stuff to save for now and buy later, things that i have to buy and thinking if i have enough funds to purchase such stuff, and paying for monthly pledges that i have made(will that leave me enough spending money for the next 15 days?) i think i do have enough, but why am i anxious and a little worried that i may not have enough and have to get some from my savings? i know i am holding myself back on that, but saving is not a bad thing at all. but why do i feel this way? i am not denying myself of any basic need, and i am deciding to spend wisely on stuff that i only do really need... i guess the very fact that i am afraid to touch the money lest i squander it on other things makes me anxious before i do anything at all - even in just making sure that i deposit the money. bah... i should not worry. i am aware of where i want to spend it, what i want to save it for, why i want to save it. i do end up splurging on some little thing, but i do know i also make and keep an effort to keep to what i can only spend on. there is no need to worry - i haven't done anything. and paying for what needs to be paid is my responsibility. so, there, done. :D

sadness and neutrality comes in to certain life events the last couple of days - chest x-ray results (2) of which gave me some scare. the first gave a little uncertainty, the second still needs to be interpreted by another doctor. to live life more and to take the risks i do want to take came into mind yesterday. but neutrality comes in because i don't want to overdo stuff - as i get rash, impulsive, emotional and all others.... to live doesn't mean that i go running off doing all the things i want (well, partly it is - to do things that i want, i plan to do, i dream to do), but a big chunk of it is actually living each moment of my life fully - with a happy, content heart, mind and soul - whatever comes my way. understanding and accepting life, and moving on, learning more, by "living" more - happy and content through these things. these words and thoughts come so easily. but i believe that each day, i find simple moments like these have become part of my day each day. i want to do more and to be more, but i am also happy(content) on where i am right now. of course, there is also that part which still yearns out, and so may seem discontented, but i tell myself that that is what will be and i will not force it. i will work towards it in my own pace, and the pieces will just fall into place. maybe that is really what is in store, or probably there is something much more to that, much different, yet equally meaningful. so many paths that i can see before me, but i can only choose one at a time. Dear me... i do hope that all of us will see that in our lives, so that we don't give up on ourselves, and persevere on forward...

but for now, i can only see Now clearer than Tomorrow. I don't really know what will come Tomorrow, and i cannot do anything about Yesterday anymore. i remember Yesterday clearly, yet nothing can change it; it changes us when we learn from it and accept it - it makes us who we were, who we are and who we will be. it makes us "us". it makes you "you", and it makes me "me". Not knowing it doesn't change things, knowing and understanding doesn't change anything else at all, except change us "inside" and therefore how we perceive life Now, how we decide to live life, and how we will perceive a Tomorrow for ourselves. There is no tangible changes, yet we know and feel them. We just do, and we feel happy, content, and complete, just as we are, just as things are. it is as if part of the missing pieces in the puzzle of our life have appeared or made itself visible and filled the spot where it had been missing from all along, giving our life more meaning, more color, more breadth and depth, and in a way, a wholeness/completeness that comes from being incomplete. And later on we realize that this comes from finally seeing, understanding and accepting that we don't lack anything at all, that we're not missing anything anymore, and that things are meant they are because we are the way we are - we are good and it has never left us. Don't you think so?

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