Sunday, June 29, 2008

Observing my heart and mind, i believe that i wanted to believe that everything can be perfect, just as i wanted it. At times, it does. But when the end is so near, i hold on to it so tightly. even when the moment has passed, i hold to it so crazily, hoping to re-create it over and over again, asking for it all over, hoping that it can be brought into reality again. Sadly, the grasping just gets stronger, and the rejection and defection felt when things don't go also seems to bring me to feel lower and down.

I know that things and moments are fleeting, especially those happy moments that become happy memories. i told a good friend of mine that i try to make the most of the good time i have with the people that hold special places in my heart and soul but making as much good memories with them as more as i can. thing is, the more i do so, the more possessive and obsessive i get, the more the relationship gets suck dry. and the more this happens, the more they move away. Just like how i like to immerse myself in music, at times, this is, i realize, what they feel as suffocation from me, from being with me. they get suffocated with my love. so you see, instead of taking care of the relationship, i end up wanting the happiness that i want to share with that special person all for myself. this so-called love has turned or mutated into something possessive and obsessive, which also brought jealousy, depression and most especially, fear, with it. i just want more, i don't want the happiness to end. i just want to be with them, hoping that it will always be this good forever. i don't want to let go.

most of them move away, so far away. even if they are near, they are already emotionally far away. one has remained, but has also retained this certain amount of distance. i can still reach out when the need does come, and i believe that she will send love on the way, all the way. we have been open about this cycle of mine - a habitual pattern that i continue to fall and play the part of all throughout my life. you could say that it weren't for her, i would still be unaware of it. i knew about it from way before, but i left myself and kept myself blind about it. we would still each other once in a while, but of course, she would still keep her distance. but when i am with her, and when she hugs me, i can feel her telling me and reassuring me, "everything will be okay. you will be okay. everything will be all right. you will be all right." even without saying, i can feel all that from her. she is a well-spring of love. it warms me - heart and soul. her love, her presence and her person - who she is, who she has been, and who she may and will be - makes me feel how wonderful i am as i am. i can be who i am, i can speak my mind, i can be silly, and i don't mind what others think of it at all when i am with her. we can just talk all day, about anything, yet it will still be a great conversation. we can just stay together, hug each other, and i can feel the love that she has in her heart, bursting out and reaching out to shine and warm the hearts of the people around her. she constantly reminds me of the beauty in me, the goodness and love in me. "you are not the distorted image that you see." it is still hard to learn it and practice it day by day, but i believe that it did bring some changes in heart. recent events have just showed that, upon the loss of another friend who has emotionally moved away. i could have felt dejected and alone. i did. but to the extent that i can still function and at some points, i felt "free", in the sense of the word. of course, i admit that i am afraid to see that person for fear that i might feel so down or for fear that i don't know how to react to what i may end up feeling. but it is better compared to me being so glum and unable to move at all. i can actually take the time to smile and be happy with my "life" despite feeling the sadness inside as well. this may seem so common day experience, but for me, it is a breakthrough or a milestone. an improvement or a change of heart? or a change in attitude or perception? well, i'm pretty sure that i may end up in the same rut again soon.

actually, writing, or blogging, again is part of this thing i am going through. i have stopped writing for a while, if you have observed, except for the few entries here and there. i use to express myself through writing, but i stopped writing because i thought of what others would think about it (me going over this stuff again and again and again). i felt that can't be myself, that i can't be who i am; i felt that i needed to be perfect or "cool" so that everybody will like me. i thought that being myself is not good enough. i suppressed me, and you can say that i almost lost myself, myself holding on by a thin thread in my heart. my so-called paranoid phase also involved me questioning myself if i am really who i knew myself to be, if i really liked and loved the things that i love or is it because i am trying to emulate somebody. "Am i still me? Or am i just a copycat?" each time i would be afraid that i might just be a copycat, and i find so many reasons to rationalize and prove that i am not. i keep on trying to prove myself. but the truth is, even if at times i still can't believe it, i am who i am, and we are similar in so many ways and yet so different in a lot of other stuff too. i need not prove myself, running to keep up with it, because i am me and i don't need to prove that to others. i did and still do doubt myself. so you can't blame me for losing myself. actually, it should be "i should actually blame myself for losing myself." the only way for me to "fix" ( i feel the need to always fix something - another way to prove something?) myself is to make peace with myself. as always, easier said than done since i have been in this self-defeating pattern for so long. but i guess for me to be writing about this again, there is still some hope for me, myself, and i have found this hope. i kinda stopped expressing myself, feeling, "what's the use?" at the same time, you can say that i didn't want to write as well because i was afraid of the grain of truth that would come out in my writing, the grain of truth that i try to hide and push away from my writing, hoping that it wouldn't come out and "hurt" me head on and face on. as i mentioned, i know about it, but i just want to continue to be blinded, not knowing about it, not dealing with it so that i could continue feeling helpless and so that the person that i want with me would take pity of me and be there for me. at first it would work, but in the end, the reality is that it wouldn't last forever. you can say that i don't want to get over it, so that i can be taken cared of always. i can be whole in myself, but i choose to be broken instead. yet being broken has a price as well, because when i am really broken, when my heart is aching and dark, i push people away, whether or not i grasp for their attention or not. i just want that one person with me, and if i don't get it, i just lock myself up within me. yes, your description was right - an emotional vampire. i admit it, but at the same time, a part of me wants to deny it. i know i can't be well and happy always, but a part of me believes that i can still feel the good when i am broken as well. but most of the time, i see the darkness before me. when it is obvious, i look the other way; when i am looking for it, it seems to be lost and hidden away behind veils that i chose to obscure them with.

i am battling with myself, still battling with myself. even with the thoughts that i want to type down right at this very instant, i am battling with what should come out, battling and "searching" for what is missing, uneasy because it feels like i have not done or said enough, feeling that it is not yet perfect, that i have not said all, thinking that i may be not true or real - a fake - that i may be a sham or a trying hard to be. i go on and on with the thoughts, over and over. it's hard to break away from them because they come and go, and i go after them. and boy, it is definitely a wild goose chase, a "wild horse" stringing and pulling me along for a bumpy and painful ride to i don't know where. i do get quiet moments as well, and am thankful for that. but at times, when i feel "inadequate" and feel these thoughts coming along, i can't help holding on to the "wild horse". i am used to it dragging me along crazy, even if it does make me feel crazy and out of my mind. i am used to it, because at times if i don't feel so or if i feel so but don't follow it, i become so uneasy because i am not used to it being gone. right now, am feeling it, and i am fighting it in a some way as well.

let it go, Grace. Observe, be aware. but just let it be. You can choose not to get dragged by it. You have a choice. Follow what is in your heart. Follow your instincts. You will be alright. everything will be okay.

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