Monday, December 22, 2008

A Letter to My Parents

Actually, this wouldn't really count as one because i'll never ever show this to them. But this is what i would say or probably would like to think to say. There are just so many things that divide us as persons, but even if the hope is so far away, i still hope that one day, we would be able to reconcile and accept these differences.

After our fight yesterday, i have always wondered why i am still here. I question myself what i am to do here. i long to be independent, to be able to fend for my own one day. But it seems that every attempt to do so is cut short by the bud. Good thing the root in me stays alive, hoping, wishing, and praying that one day i will be able to live my life, with or without your approval. Of course, i prefer that it be with your blessings, at least, even if you don't approve of it.

You have raised me well. I believe that. You know why? Even when i was far away in china, before i do anything, i can reply all the lessons that you tried to impart to me. that very much shows that i do listen to what you say, and they do stick with me wherever i go, even if i dislike it so. More or less, i have not put you into any real grave trouble that you should really worry of me falling deep into problems that are hard to get out of. I have to admit that as a person, i am afraid of risks, though at times that wouldn't stop me at all. but rest assured, i do think before i leap. and if i do decide to jump and take that step forward, i have chosen out of my own free will. It may seem to you that people may influence my decisions. It may, but in the end, i have to make that very decision all by myself. There is nobody else that i can blame for that. Whatever changes i went through, i wanted to change. Whatever i am willing to learn more about, i chose to do so. I want to explore more of the world, more than the protective world that you have both tried to keep me inside of. I believe that there is still something out there, much bigger than our own world, much bigger than myself, much bigger than the universe, broader, wider and more infinite than that of what we can imagine.

you dislike in me so much the idealism that i try to go after, the lack of practicality that i exude. as you said, it has been there since i was young. i believe that in a very big aspect, i don't think the same way you both do, and i may never will. Yet don't think that i don't care for both of you at all. I have always been different, and i have always been trying to fight that. I have been trying to fit in in your image of a good daughter, just like all other. But a part of me just wants and yearns to be free. I always wondered if there is something really wrong with me, deadly wrong that i have to cause you both all these trouble of trying to raise of daughter who would just like to learn to be able to live life on her own. i have always showed that "western" side that you don't really detest but don't really like as well. i don't think that being more of a westerner or being more of an asian is the case. It is who and how we decide to live our life.

We all have preconceived ideas of how we want to live our lives, how we want our children and the people we love to live their lives - simple, stable and safe so that we can stay longer together in this finite world of ours. You want me to have a stable future, free of financial worries. I respect that, though i may not show it at all. I would like to explore the world more, to live what it can offer. I want to travel and write. I want to take pictures. I want to help people. I want to learn to take care of myself. I want to learn more of the world, the other people that we are sharing this world with. Possibly, i want more of this life than i think i want - to live it more. It is partly discontent, because i really want to discover more of our own world, more of what is out there and more of what there is within myself as a person and as a being.

you also said that it was hard for people to get along with me. it may be so, that is why i am very choosy of the people that i let into in my life. i don't think it is that hard to get along with me, or else, i wouldn't be getting along with people from work or even the people that we meet along the way, like saleslady, drivers, guards and such. a co-worker even wrote in her christmas note that she thanks me for being approachable; i know that at times i can be detached from other people at work. I look up to other people. Yes, i know that and am very much aware of that. And i have been questioning myself and my existence as well - if i am living my life, making my own decisions, or am i just following another person's example? after such mistrust on myself, i became paranoid, but i learned that all my life, i have been who i am. I just attract the same people that i am like or similar to, or people that i hope to become more of - strong and able to stand on their own, yet still truly good and loving inside despite our different view of the world, despite being seen different by the world, despite our naughty, playful and adventurous take on the world and on life. i am already this way before i even met them. it's just that when i was younger, i had much more fear of the world and had decided to cast them aside, keeping them inside the cabinets of my soul, only to be rediscovered once again at this point in my life. at some point, i still do fear, mainly because of how you both think and see me as, and wouldn't allow me to be: me. Yet after looking into myself, i know that i am who i am, not who i follow to be, but rather, who i chose to be. I changed because i wanted to, please remember that. An influence will remain an influence unless we accept it to be part of our own - that is where we are responsible for ourselves, and not for others. We are responsible for our growth.

My life has been trying to prove to myself that i can do it and live my life. It is defeating to try to prove myself to both of you, which i have been trying all these years, even when you say that i don't need to prove anything to you. but the mere fact that i have to live to how you both see it fit is the same thing as having and needing to prove and show to you that i can live it the way you both want me to live my life. if i live my life the way you want it, according to all your values and preconceptions of ideas and life, you wouldn't have a problem at all. I appreciate how you want a simple and content life. I also want that as well, but i want to do so knowing that i will do my best to live each moment of my life fully, to have explored and tried those that interest me and grow through these life experiences. I don't want to just always be following what other people want, hope, manipulate or order me to do. And i don't want to be just saying and thinking this out, just as i am writing this letter now - I want to finally be able to live it out and not fight myself any longer.


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