Thursday, December 25, 2008

The past week, has been something so opposite.... Last week, i can definitely that i was really happy; even when i was feeling down, i found it easy to just smile and joke around. of course, it changed. i found myself sad and looking for some solace. and at some point, the week started to change into something so dark.... Part of it has to do with me. i just can't take that negative picture off my mind, of what happened. It was a fight, and i am still yet reminded so much of it whenever i wake up in the morning, when i pass that very street, when i am reminded of that day.... I set up a shield - i chose to. and i chose to stay quiet and cold. i am very much protective, as well as adamant to have my want allowed when i really find it truly silly to think of it as unsafe in any form.

i am also saddened as to the sudden quietness of a beloved friend, moving away - distant as i feel it. i have informed her that i wouldn't disturb her for the next few days after sending her a message (which she didn't reply to, like all others. she does that at times.). i am getting unnerved of it again, but i told myself that i'll keep my word. i also reminded myself that i wouldn't let myself down anymore, even in this - even if i really value and care for her a lot. it is her decision, though my mind is whirring by and releasing all these sorts of ideas and thinking that i'll be left alone again, now by her, that it has finally taken a toll on her. it has been always like this, her moving away. this is a tell-tale sign of a circular repetition/pattern. of course,i hope that as before it is her usual moving away. i don't want to overact and overreact too much with regard to it, especially since i am aware of how i am feeling right now, and how i am apt to act in situations like this. i usually send in a lot of emails, text messages, calls and IMs. but i have been doing myself to limit those and to stop those for the meantime. if i don't, i am very much prone to do something else that i am pretty sure to regret in the near future. this used to happen before - my fear pushing to great lengths to try to salvage and save the relationship, doing all i can and trying to fix all that i can to make it all perfect again (to keep on fixing what i think are imperfections), only to end up making things much worse than before, resulting to a relationship that was so abruptly and suddenly stopped (when all it needed was time and space to neutralize the situation for a while, and for me to find my balance as well, actually). i'll be fine and get on without her, but i would like to still love to have her around whenever possible.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. i have been aware and mindful so far, and haven't reacted so much than i used to. I have learnt, and am still learning. There is fear, but there is nothing to be afraid of so much anymore. There is sadness, there is wanting. Yet there is all happiness, joy, respect, and love. And yes, experiences. It reminds me now to just live my life moment by moment, and not let the sadness cast a shadow on my perception and mind's eye - not to make me see all dark and not enjoy the moment, squandering away precious living moments worrying, remaining angry and too attached over something one can't even control. i don't want to be wrapped up once again inside my cloud of gloom. It is so different now once you have started seeing things differently. Of course, it won't stop you from falling back to old ways, yet it won't also stop you from going towards new frontiers in all else, especially your own growth.

Anyway, i'll stop talking about this for now. and i better get some sleep once again. been spending too much time and energy getting caught up again with this feeling as it is coming up again.

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