this is one of those nights that i find it real hard to fall asleep. i can be on the bed for almost an hour or two, and i am still wide awake. i am tired, mind you, but my mind seem to be still buzzing with activity, even with my eyes closed shut. makes you itch to want to just fall asleep already. but sadly, that itch can't be scratch, whatever else i do.

i wanted to sleep early, so after watching Nanny Diaries, i turned off the tv. not just use the remote to turn it off, but actually standing up and turning off the switch at the extension cord.

anyway, i also left the download of xxxHolic to itself - meaning i left the laptop on. sure, it's not the first time i did this. i was already ready to sleep. (see, am yawning now, but i don't know if i'll be sleepy again by the time i get to the bed.) i was then watching my hands, as i placed the pillow. i guess you could say that i was asking or thinking about stuff in my life - hoping the complexity (or rather the simplicity and uncertainty that it offers but we can't seem to accept) will tire me down to just end up dozing off. i was also imagining about holding the hand of the person i love as i gently fall asleep. of course, it didn't help as well. and do you know that i actually wondered what it would be like if i had won the miami ink contest thing - i would definitely have wanted a tattoo at my back (back then, angel wings were my dream tattoo. now, i don't mind having the Flower of Life in ink - to remind me of the universe i am in). but then, i am afraid that since having keloids on cuts and wounds is a hereditary trait in our family, i wonder if the tattoo will be feasible at all.

see? all those thoughts, and still, it seems like my mind is all stimulated, all revved up and have so much to go. i would love to do some work instead, but then, i am pretty sure i can stay way into the week hours of the morning. this means that if i don't sleep, i'll be dozing off anytime at work or worse - i definitely will end up not waking up to the alarm - hence i'll be uber late for work. i'm already not that happy with my performance at work lately since i am falling behind. a week's worth of work has been piling up on me and i can't keep on apologizing and not being able to release the receipts for the donations just because i can't finish it on time due to my one-week absence. but the thing is, once i am home, i just want to rest. i don't want to bring work with me at home. if i do bring it, i end up not doing it at all. sigh. it's self-defeating, in some way. but i know i have to push myself to do so this week, or else, i'll be in deeper "shit" this coming week, and the succeeding weeks. it does affect me, from time to time. i can push this aside for another day, but doing so means more work piling up. and i admit that i can't handle it being this way any longer. so i need to force myself to do more tomorrow and for this coming week. hopefully, i'll be back on track after this week.

i do wish the download will be done by tomorrow.

anyway, i will try going back to bed again, to see if i can fall asleep this time. i would love to wake somebody up, but i know that i wouldn't want to disturb somebody who is either asleep, busy or just plain don't want to mind me because they have their own "world" to mind.