Sunday, April 01, 2007

Mind in... mind out....

Others look for a time to relax and unwind during the weekends from the things that preoccupy their time during the weekdays: work, deadline etc. For me, i look for things to do, places to go, and especially to be with people i enjoy being with on these days. It seems boring and empty at home. i know that i can read a book, watch tv, or go online, but then when it is so nice outside, i just want to be with somebody to enjoy the day with. I know who i want to go to right at this very moment, but yes, i don't want to go there without permission and uninvited.

i wanted to go out since this morning. One thing that stopped me was the question, "where would i go?" Another question was, "Will the person i want to go to be home? am i even allowed to go there at this very moment?" I was sort of confining myself at home with these questions. Plus, my mom wouldn't just let me go out on my own, right on this instant-she made me agree with her that if i plan to go out, that i should tell her a day in advance. Of course, there are just those spur on the moment things that i also happen to get, like just suddenly wanting to go out. But at home, i have to think twice, and plan way ahead. Sucks the fun out of wanting to be more spontaneous, on following what i feel like doing.

I spent the morning and the early afternoon online. yes, online. nobody that i wanted and enjoyed talking to was online. Nothing much in tv - just that i don't have much appetite for tv. Book, hmmm.... just didn't feel like reading anything. So i tried to enjoy reading through some stuff online, and of course, downloading music and these anime episodes. Oh boy! I didn't expect that the download speed was faster this morning. good thing i decided to try it out and connected. :)

Lunch was nothing... i eat fast anyway. I really had this urge to call... but then i told myself, "give the person time. call later in the afternoon." and so i did, setting my cellphone down somewhere nearby. Although there was there real urgent need to go out, but still, "where to go?"

My mom arrived and told me to take Diane (the dog) out. Our dog just like going out on car trips. we don't know why, but she's really happy when she gets to go out. :) In a way, that was already a cue for me to go out today if i really want to, but of course, take the dog with me. "Where to go? Where to go?" I thought for a while, imagining the different places that i wanted to go to, but yeah, only one place that i would definitely want to be in but i can't go there. (I'm pretty predictable if you know me.)

I just stood up, changed, and went out with the dog. i was going to tell my mom that i was going out, but she was sleeping (she did ask me why i didn't tell her i was going out and i told her the truth,"you were sleeping.").

Once in the car, alone with the dog, I was still thinking a lot. I'm still "blaming" myelf for not doing it this way, for not being that way, etc.... I then told myself to just stop it, and just let things be. Now that i am alone, what should i be afraid of? What should i hide? i'm out, and that's all that matters. Where was i going? actually, i just droved. as long as i felt unafraid, i just drove. Of course, i would have wanted to go down somewhere, walk for a while, but with the dog, it limits me. so, i just drove. Took the longer way home, trying out new paths. i was out for an hour. wished i could stay out for long, but the question again was, "Where to go? Who to be with?" and the gas... i know, i could go out on my own. I have no problem with that. I already do so. but of course, there are just people that you want to be with. and when you have the time, you do hope that they would also be free at that time, and that they would want your company. Drove for an hour, and then, i was back home again.

And here i am again, back in front of the computer. Still thinking - yes, thinking if i was mumbling something or talking out loud of what i was thinking about when my thinking mind seems as if it is my audible talking voice when it is all just in my head. being OC, i keep on thinking about this day in and day out. i know, i know... i even spend too much energy on that. might as well go crazy.

but anyway, going to check if dinner's ready. i want to eat early, lock myself in my room afterwards (unless the download finishes on time, then i can do some watching.) hehe :)

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