Sunday, August 26, 2007

I wonder, what have been doing all my life? I seem to shift from one place to another, figuratively, yet not really "moving" anywhere. Am still the same. The funny thing is, i want to change for the better, yet i can't even let go of the things that i know i have to let go off, like fear, jealousy and a lot more. You also have to add to the list that i can't even accept who i am. I continuously hide who i am. I say all these things, knowing all these stuff about how i am right now, yet i still haven't done anything right, even just for myself.

I have all these thoughts, all these feelings. I don't want to lose myself, yet am losing something of myself anyway. If it's not sanity, then it's peace of mind, inner peace. I would always have a reason or justification ready, or some thought that i think would explain it. and the list just goes on and on. In the end, are all of these my problems? Can i even get over and change all these in me in this lifetime? Might as well just erase myself from the face of the earth, from the memory of time and space. Yet i guess that wouldn't happen. I guess it can, if i really wished to be invisible and stayed invisible, hiding in obscurity and in anonymity. But then i know that a part of me would definitely still look for that connection to the world, even if just through one person. If i don't find it in me, of course i'll look at it from others. Where else, right? But what do i really see in myself? i see me as somebody always afraid, unwilling to make any changes because it would "turn my world" upside down, even if everything in me is already chaotic and that turning it upside down wouldn't really matter. I wanted to find a path to just follow i guess. i am good at following instructions anyway. But i guess even if i asked for it, i wouldn't be given it at all - i have to find it myself, but letting it come to me. and i am just so damn impatient. I want to change now. If i am to lose myself, might as well now, in the blink of an eye. but yes, be careful what you wish for, be extra careful...

I say that i am not afraid of being alone. Am i sure about that? then why don't i want to be alone? why do i want to be always with you?

i don't really feel that sad, but still sad. It feels colder. I guess when it's already empty, you have nothing else to look at except at yourself. You'll have to focus on yourself.

I just don't know what i should do anymore. I don't know if i am feeling right anymore. I don't know if i am still in my mind anymore. I don't know... all i know is i don't know, even if a part of me wishes to say that it does know. Even if a part of me fights to exist, to keep on saying that i do know, and leads me over and over again into thinking and into suffering all these emotions and fears that leads me nowhere, that drives me mad in anger and jealousy, in doubt, clouding my mind and my heart from the things that i really want to do. I've become the slave of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears. and i give in too easily, especially when fail...

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