Sunday, August 12, 2007

Yes, my mind has been doing some walking again today. I just went to the boxing gym this morning... and oh boy, was my mind working out as well. Well, i wasn't able to breathe well. I mean, i ate breakfast - i make sure i do before i go for a "workout". plus, i made sure that it wasn't a heavy one and just so that i'll have enough energy. I arrived there an hour after eating. i actually just took things slowly. well, guess this is just one of those weeks. and anyway, i didn't go for the last three times (1st, wasn't feeling well. 2nd, had to go out with family. 3rd, it was raining this past few days, and it was so cold and comfortable just to stay at home. yeah, you caught me. :) ) i really must wake up early, walk the treadmill and do so ab exercises. i mean, really must.... do it instead of telling myself, "but i want to sleep some more..." and then going back to sleep. hehe :)

will be giving our little dog a bath later, and then, i'll be watching ratatouille(?) later. :) [am too lazy to check for the correct spelling.] i kinda want to go out alone, you see. but for my mom, it's like, "you crazy? nobody watches a movie alone. you're very *******." and then they left already. but what the heck, am still going out. i've been "mean" to myself, always fighting with myself. i'm my own worst critic. haha :) always have been. :)

last night, watched some parts of the movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on Star Movies. i want to write. :) just write. :) and go into all those realms that we can't reach in our waking life. :) i wonder if i'll be able to write something like that. :) i dream. :) yes, it's my dream. :) no problem dreaming, as long as you don't get attached to it and feel disappointed and lost when you don't get to reach it at all. i am so impatient. very impatient, with a twisted idea of the world giving me what i want now, but the thing is, it just doesn't work that way especially if somebody else is involved. free will... we do... i am just afraid to use it most of the time - afraid that i'll make life harder for myself because i didn't do it as my parents would have wanted it, because it wouldn't look good. At times, i could manage to say, "who cares?", and it would feel good. but most of the time, especially at those moments when it would mean a lot to stand by my own, i end up just leaving myself alone and letting what others think and what my fears make me to believe dictate and affect my decisions.

i am pushing again. i just wanna change, now. i said that i want to take things slowly, but the thing is, i want my results now, fast. haha :) i'm a contradiction. :) yet i don't know how to really deal with it. run or face it. :) been "running" all my life. been depending on another or looking out for another more than i should be looking out for myself. i know that i have been running all my life. now, i tell myself, face it. i still end up having the feeling to run again. I'm stuck, again.

crazy... me.... :) but i wish i really am so that i just wouldn't care and just "live". :) my mind.... :) my heart... :) i don't know. :) i want to face myself, yet can't really (and somewhat don't want to) face myself.... it just hurts... it's just hard.... i don't want to suffer, yet i am suffering right now... suffering in a different way... much better off than others, but suffering in my own world....

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