My Heart and Soul aches
Reaching its arms out,
To love deeply and intimately,
To love one, many and all.
Nameless Face,
Unseen Beauty,
Warm and Loving Soul,
My Heart and Soul seeks for Thee.
In each day, I learn in retrospect,
Finding Peace and Contentment,
Yet also having this unrequited longing,
To finally meet Thee one day.
In some way still seeking,
for the one Piece that i seem to be missing.
Not anymore of just myself,
but a part of my boundless Soul.
Where are You?
Are You waiting too?
May the Universe, the Highest Power, hear Us,
And may in their perfect timing, we be brought to meet in all the right details:
right time, right place, right moment.
And may We be allowed to live together in completeness,
In Light, in Peace, in Love.
And may We live on and on,
Our Souls never broken and torn apart from each other forevermore,
all throughout Eternity.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Awareness - towards "Digesting" our thoughts and emotions
If i try to remember from way back.... from way back into the start... before being born into this world.... all i can remember is nothingness. It is quiet. It is also still in my heart. I can't see way beyond that, just as i can't peer past into the future.
Once you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, it's really hard to deny what you feel and how you are thinking about things in your life. Even if the day-to-day and the moment-to-moment happenings seem something as small as what you see, what color the sky is right at this moment, what you are feeling... you just can't deny that you can feel, hear, see and understand them all. Before being aware, you can easily be blind to it all. You can easily shut yourself within your own dark walls and stay away from it all. But after you've awaken your awareness, it is hard to lie to oneself. When you try to go on doing things the other way as you want it to, even if you know it will end the way you don't want it to despite wishing that it would still end in the best outcome possible, you end up regretting it because you chose to ignore what you truly did feel deep within you - in your heart and soul, as they speak to your mind directly. You know that you have to listen to yourself, but you chose not to. Of course, you end up being regretful and ashamed of not being there for yourself, but you learn from this, and you move on, growing and learning from these experiences.
I can feel all these thoughts running in my head; I can also feel the rush of different emotions that starts swirling here and there in my chest. I am aware of them all. And sometimes, i can be swept up by the strong current of these thoughts, by these feelings, or at times by both - a tidal wave of numbing proportions that leaves me paralyzed with fear. But more or less, in "ordinary" days, it's humbling to observe these thoughts and feel these emotions. You learn to be true and to be honest with yourself, and at the same time, start to acknowledge that we can be mean to others, even in just the simplest of thoughts. We may not say them out loud, but they're there - judging. When i feel myself judging, i remind myself that i am no different from them at all because i am Human, and i am not Perfect, yet I am who I am, with no need to change myself to hide my true nature. and even if i do hide those imperfections, it is with knowing that i yearn to change for the better by using those imperfections as grounds to improve myself and be a better person, not just for myself. Because when we do change, the effects of the(se) changes within us will ripple out towards those around us. They can feel the difference too. Just like when sadness can be felt by others and repel others to stay away, or when happiness/joy infects other people around to feel that light, warm feeling, these changes, no matter how subtle, can be picked up by another's heart, soul, being. We cannot deny that, unless we choose to be blind, unless we choose not to see even when we know it's there. Just like what i've read, it's like we call on this "fog" to obscure the real reflection from the mirror, distorting the truth or creating illusions.
Just this afternoon, i can remember feeling jealous, protective, happy, sad, afraid, caring, loving, judgmental, humbled, positive, negative, empowered, powerless, thankful, confused and unfocused, centered... These are a myriad of emotions, but i feel one or more of these at a certain moment, on its own or in combinations i cannot even name. In every second and each passing moment, my feelings change from one form to another, from one mood to another. Just imagine how thoughts were and are going through in my mind. It's like the flicker of the candle light, swaying to the flow of the wind - moving from side to side, shrinking, or suddenly bursting out in great heights - the wick burning slowly, or fast, due to the wax and oil that continue to feed its flames. We certainly cannot remove the wax(body) nor the wick(life). We live through it, until it ends, and we move on to another plane or back.
We learn to live with what we have in each reincarnation of our lives, and hopefully find contentment and peace by making peace and amends with ourselves and then with others, accepting who we are ourselves and then learning to accept and respect others. We yearn to truly "connect" with others, to find that "connection", but we must first "reconnect" from within ourselves. Hopefully, in the process, we find the answers from within and learn how we can be of benefit to others and to the Universe, even in our most singular form, in the most minute detail of Time and Space. Yes, these can sound so idealistic, and really hard to do, but it is achievable, as long as we do it with our heart and soul, and with the best of intentions. Never forget to be aware of your intentions in every action, in every thought, and in every word that comes from you.
Of course, being aware can be really hard at times, because you definitely know that you're sad or confused, and you're unable to help it but to just let it be. There will be days like that, just as there will be days when it is just so peaceful and calm, filled with happiness and contentment that all you can do is smile from your heart, from the inside out. :) Of course, it all depends on how you choose how to live each moment: lonely and bitter, or calm and humbled. :) We choose, we decide. So remember, you have that choice too. You always did have it, and you still do. :)
Once you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, it's really hard to deny what you feel and how you are thinking about things in your life. Even if the day-to-day and the moment-to-moment happenings seem something as small as what you see, what color the sky is right at this moment, what you are feeling... you just can't deny that you can feel, hear, see and understand them all. Before being aware, you can easily be blind to it all. You can easily shut yourself within your own dark walls and stay away from it all. But after you've awaken your awareness, it is hard to lie to oneself. When you try to go on doing things the other way as you want it to, even if you know it will end the way you don't want it to despite wishing that it would still end in the best outcome possible, you end up regretting it because you chose to ignore what you truly did feel deep within you - in your heart and soul, as they speak to your mind directly. You know that you have to listen to yourself, but you chose not to. Of course, you end up being regretful and ashamed of not being there for yourself, but you learn from this, and you move on, growing and learning from these experiences.
I can feel all these thoughts running in my head; I can also feel the rush of different emotions that starts swirling here and there in my chest. I am aware of them all. And sometimes, i can be swept up by the strong current of these thoughts, by these feelings, or at times by both - a tidal wave of numbing proportions that leaves me paralyzed with fear. But more or less, in "ordinary" days, it's humbling to observe these thoughts and feel these emotions. You learn to be true and to be honest with yourself, and at the same time, start to acknowledge that we can be mean to others, even in just the simplest of thoughts. We may not say them out loud, but they're there - judging. When i feel myself judging, i remind myself that i am no different from them at all because i am Human, and i am not Perfect, yet I am who I am, with no need to change myself to hide my true nature. and even if i do hide those imperfections, it is with knowing that i yearn to change for the better by using those imperfections as grounds to improve myself and be a better person, not just for myself. Because when we do change, the effects of the(se) changes within us will ripple out towards those around us. They can feel the difference too. Just like when sadness can be felt by others and repel others to stay away, or when happiness/joy infects other people around to feel that light, warm feeling, these changes, no matter how subtle, can be picked up by another's heart, soul, being. We cannot deny that, unless we choose to be blind, unless we choose not to see even when we know it's there. Just like what i've read, it's like we call on this "fog" to obscure the real reflection from the mirror, distorting the truth or creating illusions.
Just this afternoon, i can remember feeling jealous, protective, happy, sad, afraid, caring, loving, judgmental, humbled, positive, negative, empowered, powerless, thankful, confused and unfocused, centered... These are a myriad of emotions, but i feel one or more of these at a certain moment, on its own or in combinations i cannot even name. In every second and each passing moment, my feelings change from one form to another, from one mood to another. Just imagine how thoughts were and are going through in my mind. It's like the flicker of the candle light, swaying to the flow of the wind - moving from side to side, shrinking, or suddenly bursting out in great heights - the wick burning slowly, or fast, due to the wax and oil that continue to feed its flames. We certainly cannot remove the wax(body) nor the wick(life). We live through it, until it ends, and we move on to another plane or back.
We learn to live with what we have in each reincarnation of our lives, and hopefully find contentment and peace by making peace and amends with ourselves and then with others, accepting who we are ourselves and then learning to accept and respect others. We yearn to truly "connect" with others, to find that "connection", but we must first "reconnect" from within ourselves. Hopefully, in the process, we find the answers from within and learn how we can be of benefit to others and to the Universe, even in our most singular form, in the most minute detail of Time and Space. Yes, these can sound so idealistic, and really hard to do, but it is achievable, as long as we do it with our heart and soul, and with the best of intentions. Never forget to be aware of your intentions in every action, in every thought, and in every word that comes from you.
Of course, being aware can be really hard at times, because you definitely know that you're sad or confused, and you're unable to help it but to just let it be. There will be days like that, just as there will be days when it is just so peaceful and calm, filled with happiness and contentment that all you can do is smile from your heart, from the inside out. :) Of course, it all depends on how you choose how to live each moment: lonely and bitter, or calm and humbled. :) We choose, we decide. So remember, you have that choice too. You always did have it, and you still do. :)
Saturday, November 07, 2009
A first and very "eventful" year in my life
in the last 26 years of my life, this 27th seems to be the most "event-filled" year. i don't know what will be coming in the years to follow, but certainly a lot has happened. comparing all that has happened below with the past 26 years, except starting from my 23rd or 24th year of existence in this world, life has been pretty dark for me. i had always thought cynically about stuff, always saw things at one dimension, carried a chip on my shoulder, burdening my heart with so many so-called heartaches, encircled and surrounded by my own fears and insecurities, thought that i was protected by keeping to my own, despite all the anger, despite all the fear, despite all the longing, despite all the sadness and despair, despite the loneliness, despite the "darkness" of it all....
First was the intention that i made this year towards growth in all aspect in my life. I think this started the chain of events, started the ball rolling... :)
Second, the change in my mom - in that she sorts of allows me to go to where i want when i tell her about, like she's is loosening her gripping hold on me.
Third, the sudden death of my paternal grandfather. We were just coming back from a family trip in Macau that very day. I believe my grandpa was just waiting for us to be back, safe and sound. He left the next day. But upon his leaving, somehow, "our" family (both immediate and among relatives) makes more effort to come together. :) "Angkong" is still watching us, i believe, smiling and enjoying a few tricks and jokes up his sleeves for us. :) For most, he is a kind and generous person. Within most of the family, he was strict yet loving. For me, i felt he wanted me to remember him this way, different in some ways from the others: loving and sweet, soft and kind, caring but not overbearing, affectionate when nobody is looking(but serious, self-confident and controlled most of the time when in front of others), seriously caring for the lives and the future of his family and descendants(sons and daughters, grandchildren and more great grandchildren, relatives, friends). And six months after his death, I am realizing that one thing about my angkong is true, even after death and in the after-life: he is a jokester at heart. Have fun, angkong. :) We are laughing with you. :) hahahahaha :)
Fourth, i was sick with dengue and was hospitalized for a week. Almost close to death at one point, i wonder what it is that are still in my life that i have to work towards for, my purpose. i've been relatively healthy all through my life, except in the first year of my birth and for the certain times in my life that my body was internally weak. Money truly cannot buy love, time and life; through the love people have for me, relatives, friends and co-workers donated blood for me so that the platelet can be extracted and be transfused to me. Thank you very much. The fact that i am living now is proof of your selfless love and care. :) Also, this gave me a new-found realization and gratitude for my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends, co-workers and all the people that surround me and are around me, near and far, in the circles and orgs i belong, and even those from outside those. :) We are truly a part of each other's lives, interconnected.
Fifth, i was stranded in the office due to the worst flooding yet in philippine history brought by "Ondoy".... not wanting it to be repeated, yet i found myself positive in that "mini-ordeal", that there is something to learn or that there is always a purpose to what is happening. i also learned that i was able to see it in a different light instead of being all negative, sad and complaining about it. i actually met and got to know someone new. even there, i felt warm and protected. and yes, after that day, the sun did come to shine again, welcoming a new day, and a new start/beginning.
Sixth, in this world, i am thankful and grateful that there are people like you who can understand me, much more than other people do. there are only a few of you who can easily understand and relate to me. i am often misunderstood, or seen as too deep or too serious about life. i guess at some point i am. :) but still, without you and some few others, i would only have writing to turn towards to, but that wouldn't be enough. i still need human interaction, even if only for the briefest time. to know that someone understands me, accepts me... whatever, whoever and however i may be... is a gift.... there is nothing i can do about people who don't understand me. but i can be thankful for having people who do understand me, and are there for me. :)
Seventh, i will be taking my real first trip ever on my own. I'll be flying to Bangkok and spending a week there. I am paying for all the expenses of the trip by myself. :) That's a first. :) Spending my hard-earned money for myself. :) It feels like some sort of independence in a lot of aspects. :) and i'll get to revisit and explore Thailand again(through and with myself, first and foremost, making it a very special and personal trip), and most importantly, see my Thai friends once again. :)
And Eighth, i am thankful and grateful to family, relatives and friends who continue to have faith in me, believe in the goodness and strength and me, and accept my imperfections as well together with the whole. Thank you for listening, advising and encouraging. Thank you for explaining, and for being frank and truthful. The truth hurts, but we learn from it. :) Thank you for being You. Your words of kindness, truth and honesty when speaking to me and when speaking/sharing about me to/with others help contribute in helping and letting others "see" me in a different perspective when they used to just usually see me in a negative light.
I may sometimes feel somewhat down and depressed, confused and listless, worried and paranoid, tired and unnerved. But this doesn't stop me anymore from looking at the bright side and the silver lining, from hoping and dreaming of and for the future, and from appreciating the reason why we are where we are and why these things happen to us. Each moment has a reason. Each moment a lesson. A small bleep in the vastness of our life, our spirt and our universe, yet every seemingly small speck of activity affects a lot of things which we most of the time are blinded to or just don't notice at all. :)
Good day, Everybody. May you be blessed. May you be safe. May you be well. Always. :)
Note:
There is actually a Ninth that i forgot to mention: This year, i was able to reconnect with friends or people that i wanted to get to know way back in high school. There are two of them, both upperclassmen, but they are really nice and great people. i really wanted to get to know them better back then, but i was myself occupied with my self-pity and insecurity, and they were also in something of their own as well. Meeting them again this year, after almost 10 years i think, and being able to talk to them, enjoying our conversation and each others' company is truly something to be happy about. It is as if we are given another, or rather, the right chance and opportunity to get to know each other after we got to do some of our own growing. :) If I am allowed to say it, i believe that the Universe brought our paths together again because the "Now" now is the right time. If we got to get to know each other back then, the outcome could have been different. But now that we are both "ready" ourselves and ready to meet, it's like the Universe brought us together once again so that we can start a friendship anew through this meeting. It's like, or rather, it is the perfect timing. and i believer there is a reason for each and every thing that has happened to us. We are each different yet also the same in who and how we were back then and who and how we are right now. :)
First was the intention that i made this year towards growth in all aspect in my life. I think this started the chain of events, started the ball rolling... :)
Second, the change in my mom - in that she sorts of allows me to go to where i want when i tell her about, like she's is loosening her gripping hold on me.
Third, the sudden death of my paternal grandfather. We were just coming back from a family trip in Macau that very day. I believe my grandpa was just waiting for us to be back, safe and sound. He left the next day. But upon his leaving, somehow, "our" family (both immediate and among relatives) makes more effort to come together. :) "Angkong" is still watching us, i believe, smiling and enjoying a few tricks and jokes up his sleeves for us. :) For most, he is a kind and generous person. Within most of the family, he was strict yet loving. For me, i felt he wanted me to remember him this way, different in some ways from the others: loving and sweet, soft and kind, caring but not overbearing, affectionate when nobody is looking(but serious, self-confident and controlled most of the time when in front of others), seriously caring for the lives and the future of his family and descendants(sons and daughters, grandchildren and more great grandchildren, relatives, friends). And six months after his death, I am realizing that one thing about my angkong is true, even after death and in the after-life: he is a jokester at heart. Have fun, angkong. :) We are laughing with you. :) hahahahaha :)
Fourth, i was sick with dengue and was hospitalized for a week. Almost close to death at one point, i wonder what it is that are still in my life that i have to work towards for, my purpose. i've been relatively healthy all through my life, except in the first year of my birth and for the certain times in my life that my body was internally weak. Money truly cannot buy love, time and life; through the love people have for me, relatives, friends and co-workers donated blood for me so that the platelet can be extracted and be transfused to me. Thank you very much. The fact that i am living now is proof of your selfless love and care. :) Also, this gave me a new-found realization and gratitude for my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends, co-workers and all the people that surround me and are around me, near and far, in the circles and orgs i belong, and even those from outside those. :) We are truly a part of each other's lives, interconnected.
Fifth, i was stranded in the office due to the worst flooding yet in philippine history brought by "Ondoy".... not wanting it to be repeated, yet i found myself positive in that "mini-ordeal", that there is something to learn or that there is always a purpose to what is happening. i also learned that i was able to see it in a different light instead of being all negative, sad and complaining about it. i actually met and got to know someone new. even there, i felt warm and protected. and yes, after that day, the sun did come to shine again, welcoming a new day, and a new start/beginning.
Sixth, in this world, i am thankful and grateful that there are people like you who can understand me, much more than other people do. there are only a few of you who can easily understand and relate to me. i am often misunderstood, or seen as too deep or too serious about life. i guess at some point i am. :) but still, without you and some few others, i would only have writing to turn towards to, but that wouldn't be enough. i still need human interaction, even if only for the briefest time. to know that someone understands me, accepts me... whatever, whoever and however i may be... is a gift.... there is nothing i can do about people who don't understand me. but i can be thankful for having people who do understand me, and are there for me. :)
Seventh, i will be taking my real first trip ever on my own. I'll be flying to Bangkok and spending a week there. I am paying for all the expenses of the trip by myself. :) That's a first. :) Spending my hard-earned money for myself. :) It feels like some sort of independence in a lot of aspects. :) and i'll get to revisit and explore Thailand again(through and with myself, first and foremost, making it a very special and personal trip), and most importantly, see my Thai friends once again. :)
And Eighth, i am thankful and grateful to family, relatives and friends who continue to have faith in me, believe in the goodness and strength and me, and accept my imperfections as well together with the whole. Thank you for listening, advising and encouraging. Thank you for explaining, and for being frank and truthful. The truth hurts, but we learn from it. :) Thank you for being You. Your words of kindness, truth and honesty when speaking to me and when speaking/sharing about me to/with others help contribute in helping and letting others "see" me in a different perspective when they used to just usually see me in a negative light.
I may sometimes feel somewhat down and depressed, confused and listless, worried and paranoid, tired and unnerved. But this doesn't stop me anymore from looking at the bright side and the silver lining, from hoping and dreaming of and for the future, and from appreciating the reason why we are where we are and why these things happen to us. Each moment has a reason. Each moment a lesson. A small bleep in the vastness of our life, our spirt and our universe, yet every seemingly small speck of activity affects a lot of things which we most of the time are blinded to or just don't notice at all. :)
Good day, Everybody. May you be blessed. May you be safe. May you be well. Always. :)
Note:
There is actually a Ninth that i forgot to mention: This year, i was able to reconnect with friends or people that i wanted to get to know way back in high school. There are two of them, both upperclassmen, but they are really nice and great people. i really wanted to get to know them better back then, but i was myself occupied with my self-pity and insecurity, and they were also in something of their own as well. Meeting them again this year, after almost 10 years i think, and being able to talk to them, enjoying our conversation and each others' company is truly something to be happy about. It is as if we are given another, or rather, the right chance and opportunity to get to know each other after we got to do some of our own growing. :) If I am allowed to say it, i believe that the Universe brought our paths together again because the "Now" now is the right time. If we got to get to know each other back then, the outcome could have been different. But now that we are both "ready" ourselves and ready to meet, it's like the Universe brought us together once again so that we can start a friendship anew through this meeting. It's like, or rather, it is the perfect timing. and i believer there is a reason for each and every thing that has happened to us. We are each different yet also the same in who and how we were back then and who and how we are right now. :)
Wait.... Sit.... Simmer..... Boil..... Voila!
"simmer within the deep bowls of chaos/confusion and self-reflection... and when it comes to a boil, at the right time and at the right moment, the cover is opened up and removed, releasing the fresh aroma of understanding, acceptance and peace that you have found and discovered within yourself, waiting to be broken free from its hiding place within you."
"opened too soon, and you learn you should have had waited. opened too early, and realizing it, you wait within the cover and the pressure. opened too late, and you may end up dried up, rancid and gone bad, tired and desolute, cynical, depressed, wasted, feeling unworthy, dark and powerless, lifelessness staring out of your eyes..."
"opened too soon, and you learn you should have had waited. opened too early, and realizing it, you wait within the cover and the pressure. opened too late, and you may end up dried up, rancid and gone bad, tired and desolute, cynical, depressed, wasted, feeling unworthy, dark and powerless, lifelessness staring out of your eyes..."
Saturday, October 03, 2009
this is the tv ad that brought my attention to WFP(World Food Programme)
They have more youtube videos here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/WORLDFOODPROGRAM
or better yet, visit their website at www.wfp.org
We can help change the world for the better - one day, one moment, one action, one kindness, at a time. Each done truly and deeply from the heart. One at a time. :) It matters. :) All we have to do is to take that step. :) The Power of One. :) You just never know how far one act of kindness goes. :) It goes a long, long way. :)
They have more youtube videos here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/WORLDFOODPROGRAM
or better yet, visit their website at www.wfp.org
We can help change the world for the better - one day, one moment, one action, one kindness, at a time. Each done truly and deeply from the heart. One at a time. :) It matters. :) All we have to do is to take that step. :) The Power of One. :) You just never know how far one act of kindness goes. :) It goes a long, long way. :)
Friday, October 02, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
do you sometimes feel stuck in your body? does your soul feel that it is jailed inside its physical vessel? it feels like that at times.
time seems to be moving on. not that i am not glad to be alive, after needing a platelet transfusion because of dengue. well, that is how time is. silly me. :))
but you know, for you and me, it seems like we're not getting old and such. but now, when i see my nephew grow bigger and taller each day, walking and trying to learn to do new things by himself, you kinda feel that you are actually really "getting older". compared to his continuous growth, we kinda seem to be "stuck" in this growth. we don't grow physically anymore, except in that we grow "old". Physically, some aspects will change up until old age and death, but also, changes will abound in what we do with our bodies. I hope that "inside" - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally - our growth is not stunted either, but rather, continuing to grow and evolve despite what has already stopped in the physical process(in some way).
Just sharing what was in my mind the other night. I did feel somewhat stuck, that most adults feel stuck at where they are right now, in whatever aspect you can think of. You can say that sometimes, it is a physical matter. yet there are also times that it is not the body at all but rather our hearts, our minds or our souls that are bound shut.
Good day, everybody. :)
time seems to be moving on. not that i am not glad to be alive, after needing a platelet transfusion because of dengue. well, that is how time is. silly me. :))
but you know, for you and me, it seems like we're not getting old and such. but now, when i see my nephew grow bigger and taller each day, walking and trying to learn to do new things by himself, you kinda feel that you are actually really "getting older". compared to his continuous growth, we kinda seem to be "stuck" in this growth. we don't grow physically anymore, except in that we grow "old". Physically, some aspects will change up until old age and death, but also, changes will abound in what we do with our bodies. I hope that "inside" - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally - our growth is not stunted either, but rather, continuing to grow and evolve despite what has already stopped in the physical process(in some way).
Just sharing what was in my mind the other night. I did feel somewhat stuck, that most adults feel stuck at where they are right now, in whatever aspect you can think of. You can say that sometimes, it is a physical matter. yet there are also times that it is not the body at all but rather our hearts, our minds or our souls that are bound shut.
Good day, everybody. :)
Friday, September 18, 2009
Beautiful Portraits
This guy is amazing. Each one of us is truly given a gift - something that we are truly good at, something that we really love and enjoy doing, something that makes us feel good and makes others feel good and happy as well, something that we hone our whole lives to become better and better, something that we work hard on no matter what others may think, and at some point, truly a life force that helps us go on and persevere, no matter what. :) Please view his website. :)
http://www.theportraitart.com/index.html
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePortraitArt
Here's a sample of the portraits he draws.
Note: This image is not mine. I don't take credit for the image, and the sole use of this one image is to share the artist's gift of beauty in art - I am posting it here on my blog so that i can show others why you should see more at his website. I add this note to this entry so as to ward off any thoughts of and on plagiarism/copyright and the like legal claims, on my part and those of others. The owner of ThePortraitArt has full rights to his portraits/images.
http://www.theportraitart.com/index.html
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePortraitArt
Here's a sample of the portraits he draws.
Note: This image is not mine. I don't take credit for the image, and the sole use of this one image is to share the artist's gift of beauty in art - I am posting it here on my blog so that i can show others why you should see more at his website. I add this note to this entry so as to ward off any thoughts of and on plagiarism/copyright and the like legal claims, on my part and those of others. The owner of ThePortraitArt has full rights to his portraits/images.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Nice Read. :) Thank you, Drew. :) I really like this. :)
http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/30/can-do/
http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/30/can-do/
Saturday, August 08, 2009
One of these days...
There are days when you feel raw..... raw inside and out...... it would start some little simple irks, when you feel hurt. You try to let it go, but it seems to stick in your mind. And at point during that period, you just want to fully feel the sadness, and to fill up some of the emptiness that you suddenly feel. You indulge yourself deep into something not of you, something external like music, writing, or just plain keeping to your own. You are aware of all of these, but you seem not to care at all. Today, it feels like nobody cares, and so wouldn't you. you wouldn't care. you wouldn't talk. you will just let them be on their own and not mind them. but truly, you want them to realize how you are feeling without telling them, by way of the coldness you send their way. You want them to have a dose of their own medicine. Like now, even how much i care for this friend of mine, what they did felt to me like a disregard.... so i moved away.... they didn't care. and so, i chose not to care as well. i believe, i am trying to wrap myself in my own space and create walls around me, by closing my ears to listen to music so that i wouldn't hear the world beyond the invisible walls of music i created, and by emitting vibes around my space, sending out signals to stay out if you don't really care at all.
i immersed myself into music. but it wasn't enough, and finally i delved into writing this down. Writing always has a calming effect to me, if not, it makes me go crazy with thinking. Music seems to amplify my feelings though. But it doesn't matter, emotions do get amplified at times, and in a good way, just as long you don't get hurt, you don't hurt other people, and you are able to keep it and release it all by yourself with no casualties whosoever, wheresoever, whensoever, whatsoever. it helps it live itself out, to wear itself out. i've been pretty much calm the past few months, and am thankful for that. so, that means i am bound to get moody at times, just like today, after such a long while. i am human after all. But at least now i am aware, in that i'd rather keep it on my own, instead of lashing out, and being productive in the process. :) a different way of handling things, instead of reacting badly immediately. :)
and hey, don't i feel better now? :)
Update:
Actually, like after half an hour, i realized that i may be "angry"/irked at a different other than my officemate. and so, i even took the first step to talk with her again. the truth is she didn't even know. :) hahahah :) so while my ears were plugged with earphones, she was talking to me (all of which she forgot about when i asked her what she told me while i was not listening) but of course i didn't hear a simple thing. though she did wonder then why i weren't answering. so when i told her that i was listening to music instead, she said, "that figures." though now, a part of me regrets doing so because i didn't hear what she wanted to share with me. you have to note though that she didn't even had an idea or an inkling that i was angry. hahah :) shows us that when we are angry or irritated, we do stupid things that we regret when we should have just let it be. :)) oh well. :)
i immersed myself into music. but it wasn't enough, and finally i delved into writing this down. Writing always has a calming effect to me, if not, it makes me go crazy with thinking. Music seems to amplify my feelings though. But it doesn't matter, emotions do get amplified at times, and in a good way, just as long you don't get hurt, you don't hurt other people, and you are able to keep it and release it all by yourself with no casualties whosoever, wheresoever, whensoever, whatsoever. it helps it live itself out, to wear itself out. i've been pretty much calm the past few months, and am thankful for that. so, that means i am bound to get moody at times, just like today, after such a long while. i am human after all. But at least now i am aware, in that i'd rather keep it on my own, instead of lashing out, and being productive in the process. :) a different way of handling things, instead of reacting badly immediately. :)
and hey, don't i feel better now? :)
Update:
Actually, like after half an hour, i realized that i may be "angry"/irked at a different other than my officemate. and so, i even took the first step to talk with her again. the truth is she didn't even know. :) hahahah :) so while my ears were plugged with earphones, she was talking to me (all of which she forgot about when i asked her what she told me while i was not listening) but of course i didn't hear a simple thing. though she did wonder then why i weren't answering. so when i told her that i was listening to music instead, she said, "that figures." though now, a part of me regrets doing so because i didn't hear what she wanted to share with me. you have to note though that she didn't even had an idea or an inkling that i was angry. hahah :) shows us that when we are angry or irritated, we do stupid things that we regret when we should have just let it be. :)) oh well. :)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Life Affirmations
I have finished reading my friend's article here at his site:
http://bodhishilta.multiply.com/journal/item/6/Call_of_the_Mystical_Conch_Shell_Total_Solar_Eclipse_in_Cancer
I felt the urge to write the following. It was just supposed to be a comment, but i ended up sharing more. :D
Here is the actual text that i wrote:
Hi Ish. :) as always, i enjoy reading your articles, and more especially so because you write straight to the point, each paragraph unfolding fluidly from one to the next. and they do come in at the right time, re-affirming some of the things i have went and been going through.
Pretty much, you can say, my life from when i was younger up to like 4 years ago, it's been pretty much the same. Not that i am complaining, mind you, for financially, i need not anything much. What i wanted, i can save for. Yet, i've always been looking for something, and you can say i felt empty. Always seeking love. In short, i always felt something missing, especially unable to express my true love and feelings to the people i care for. I write, even back then, but i keep my writings and share it with only a special few.
Four years ago, i went to study abroad. It's a nice liberating feeling, especially since i found and realized that i am able to care for myself and there is so much people i met. I studied for another term, and i guess things were set into motion during that time, opening up to more experiences, learning new stuff and ideas, meeting much more people and getting to know the world more. It also involved being woken up from my Soul's deep slumber, after being set aside and put to sleep during my high school years. You can say that the repressed thirst for my spiritual journey has been quenched, and still continues to be nourished. I have finally started to tend to my own Spiritual growth and journey.
But when i got back after a year of studying, i suddenly fell into this deep paranoia and confusion. Feelings of inadequacy made itself more known, fear gripped my heart, mind and soul that at times i even found myself unable to move. So much fear, i believe, and it also led to so much rage. It felt like hell to be in, to have to undergo that every single day. I didn't want to wake up - i just wanted to sleep and live in my dreams, where i was able to do more for myself, with no limitations at all.
But a year ago, things also started to change. It was as if i was purging all these emotional poisons out, initiated by the loss of a friendship. From it, i was able to finally actually understand what my cousin have been telling me all along - that i am the only one who can help myself. Because starting from there, i picked up the pieces of my heart, of my life. I picked up those that i choose to keep - learnings, experiences, memories - and have learned to let go of the other pieces in my life back to the Universe. Something ended, but another started anew. It was the ongoing journey of my awakening. Awakening is such a big word, but i believe i am allowed to use it as it is for it fits what my soul is going through. Through that year, i became emotionally stronger through the process of my own healing, learning to love myself, and in the process do indeed care for myself.
Right now, i believe that i am continuing to grow this year. I have more learnings, realizations that i ever did. More probably because i have opened myself, and started to be more conscious and aware. When the Year started, my heart and soul yearned and reached out. I have sent my intentions out to the Universe - for continued growth in all facets/aspects of my life. I pretty much believe that the Universe is answering my prayers. :D I still feel stuck at times, but i can count it with my one hand. :) The rest seem to fall into place. :D Aside from that, i am happy to find myself in a more positive disposition, emotional and spiritual-wise. I have chosen to let go of what i can't control, of the uncertain, and have chosen to enjoy what i can in the moment, even in the simple pleasures of a simple life, in the contentment and gratitude for what i still have, for what i am still learning, for what i am still receiving and being showered with. I believe much more that i am meant to be where i am right now - still in the fertile land of growth that is still nourishing me. This stage in my life is preparing me to be stronger and more at ease and in connection with myself - a synergy with my own soul - before i am able to finally go off and journey further into this Universe of ours. But aside from that, i believe that it is also helping me realize my connection with my parents (especially with my mom, and that is why this article feels relevant to me as well). They may be preventing me from some things, but recently, my mom just let me be. She may have not completely approved, but she just let me go. Just like that. :) I am definitely happy that an uptight relationship is finally learning to loosen up a little. I believe it works both ways - both of us are less stressed and i believe we are both able to smile at each other more now. It may be something little, but for me and my mom (i don't know if she is aware of it), it is a big baby step. :) By the time they let me go out on my own to explore the world and Life, i believe by then i will be much more stronger on my own, and able to live fully with their blessings. Also by then, they may have finally opened up and found some comfort that their children can finally go on, be independent, and live on their own. I am still in my parents' protective care for now, and i believe that the Universe has made it so and is preparing me to be stronger. And I believe it is not just me that is getting stronger - i believe that my parents going through one as well, of growth in their own way, and in letting go. :) i am sorry that i am not able to fully expound on it., but i believe everything is going in the positive direction of continued growth. :) I believe that everything that happened in our Life is meant to be. :) and i believe it more and more each day, and in each passing moment. :) Our Life affirms it. :D
Haha :) Ish, i should have just posted this on my own site. :D it is already a journal entry, after all. I hope you don't mind my sharing this long. :) and yes, i'll probably post this on my blog as well. :D But thank you as well. :)
http://bodhishilta.multiply.com/journal/item/6/Call_of_the_Mystical_Conch_Shell_Total_Solar_Eclipse_in_Cancer
I felt the urge to write the following. It was just supposed to be a comment, but i ended up sharing more. :D
Here is the actual text that i wrote:
Hi Ish. :) as always, i enjoy reading your articles, and more especially so because you write straight to the point, each paragraph unfolding fluidly from one to the next. and they do come in at the right time, re-affirming some of the things i have went and been going through.
Pretty much, you can say, my life from when i was younger up to like 4 years ago, it's been pretty much the same. Not that i am complaining, mind you, for financially, i need not anything much. What i wanted, i can save for. Yet, i've always been looking for something, and you can say i felt empty. Always seeking love. In short, i always felt something missing, especially unable to express my true love and feelings to the people i care for. I write, even back then, but i keep my writings and share it with only a special few.
Four years ago, i went to study abroad. It's a nice liberating feeling, especially since i found and realized that i am able to care for myself and there is so much people i met. I studied for another term, and i guess things were set into motion during that time, opening up to more experiences, learning new stuff and ideas, meeting much more people and getting to know the world more. It also involved being woken up from my Soul's deep slumber, after being set aside and put to sleep during my high school years. You can say that the repressed thirst for my spiritual journey has been quenched, and still continues to be nourished. I have finally started to tend to my own Spiritual growth and journey.
But when i got back after a year of studying, i suddenly fell into this deep paranoia and confusion. Feelings of inadequacy made itself more known, fear gripped my heart, mind and soul that at times i even found myself unable to move. So much fear, i believe, and it also led to so much rage. It felt like hell to be in, to have to undergo that every single day. I didn't want to wake up - i just wanted to sleep and live in my dreams, where i was able to do more for myself, with no limitations at all.
But a year ago, things also started to change. It was as if i was purging all these emotional poisons out, initiated by the loss of a friendship. From it, i was able to finally actually understand what my cousin have been telling me all along - that i am the only one who can help myself. Because starting from there, i picked up the pieces of my heart, of my life. I picked up those that i choose to keep - learnings, experiences, memories - and have learned to let go of the other pieces in my life back to the Universe. Something ended, but another started anew. It was the ongoing journey of my awakening. Awakening is such a big word, but i believe i am allowed to use it as it is for it fits what my soul is going through. Through that year, i became emotionally stronger through the process of my own healing, learning to love myself, and in the process do indeed care for myself.
Right now, i believe that i am continuing to grow this year. I have more learnings, realizations that i ever did. More probably because i have opened myself, and started to be more conscious and aware. When the Year started, my heart and soul yearned and reached out. I have sent my intentions out to the Universe - for continued growth in all facets/aspects of my life. I pretty much believe that the Universe is answering my prayers. :D I still feel stuck at times, but i can count it with my one hand. :) The rest seem to fall into place. :D Aside from that, i am happy to find myself in a more positive disposition, emotional and spiritual-wise. I have chosen to let go of what i can't control, of the uncertain, and have chosen to enjoy what i can in the moment, even in the simple pleasures of a simple life, in the contentment and gratitude for what i still have, for what i am still learning, for what i am still receiving and being showered with. I believe much more that i am meant to be where i am right now - still in the fertile land of growth that is still nourishing me. This stage in my life is preparing me to be stronger and more at ease and in connection with myself - a synergy with my own soul - before i am able to finally go off and journey further into this Universe of ours. But aside from that, i believe that it is also helping me realize my connection with my parents (especially with my mom, and that is why this article feels relevant to me as well). They may be preventing me from some things, but recently, my mom just let me be. She may have not completely approved, but she just let me go. Just like that. :) I am definitely happy that an uptight relationship is finally learning to loosen up a little. I believe it works both ways - both of us are less stressed and i believe we are both able to smile at each other more now. It may be something little, but for me and my mom (i don't know if she is aware of it), it is a big baby step. :) By the time they let me go out on my own to explore the world and Life, i believe by then i will be much more stronger on my own, and able to live fully with their blessings. Also by then, they may have finally opened up and found some comfort that their children can finally go on, be independent, and live on their own. I am still in my parents' protective care for now, and i believe that the Universe has made it so and is preparing me to be stronger. And I believe it is not just me that is getting stronger - i believe that my parents going through one as well, of growth in their own way, and in letting go. :) i am sorry that i am not able to fully expound on it., but i believe everything is going in the positive direction of continued growth. :) I believe that everything that happened in our Life is meant to be. :) and i believe it more and more each day, and in each passing moment. :) Our Life affirms it. :D
Haha :) Ish, i should have just posted this on my own site. :D it is already a journal entry, after all. I hope you don't mind my sharing this long. :) and yes, i'll probably post this on my blog as well. :D But thank you as well. :)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Smiling Inner Child
Thanks, Drew, for always encouraging me to write down my thoughts. Thank you, for a lot of you out there who also have reminded me to write. :)
Well, it's been a while since i've been driving alone during the daytime. On a pretty quiet sunday morning, unaffected by any severe slow-moving traffic, i find myself in a relaxed mood. and in some way, at awe of the present moment of sunshine, blue skies, and the very motion of driving a car. it is a beautiful sight and beautiful moment, much like being stuck in that time warp somewhere. I guess we can always call on this "time bubble" if we really want to. It is a serene experience - my heart smiles.
Pictures of my childhood came flooding by my mind, flashing by and playing in my mind as if it was just a few moments ago. These childhood memories are still so vivid and clear, as if i am still seeing it at that very moment. In my mind's eye, these memories roll on through my head as i saw it through my eyes at different ages: seven, ten, fifteen, and so on through my high school and college days. I "saw" how i rode the bike and fell down. I "saw" myself walking through the halls of St. Joseph Bldg during college. Even the feeling during those moments, i can still remember clearly now. It is as if time didn't pass, but of course, we know that it did.
Yet even at this age of 27, some of us would feel so old, that our youth is starting to pass us by or rather has passed us by. I believe otherwise. Given this glimpse today, it is a reminder that the child in us and our Soul - Ageless and very much Alive within us - never withers and dies. As we grow in our physical body - toward old age and death, our Soul lives on and keeps on learning throughout the ages. Even if we come to an age when we will be walking around with a cane, stopping by to catch our breathe after a walk around the corner or just being plain slow with everything else, the eyes of our Inner Child, the eyes of our Soul, it will never get old nor will it lose its sparkle. Even by then, we can still "see" everything with the eyes, the heart and the soul of a child. We have never lost it; it has always been in us. It is just like we have chosen to put on that "rose colored lenses of adulthood" when we reached a certain age, even when we didn't have to. Yet we can always choose to take those lenses off, for a while or even forever, and see life unencumbered by limitations, illusions and the clouds of fear. We always have a choice on how we choose to see our Life, on how we perceive all that have happened and on how we feel on all that we have experienced. It is up to us, Our Self, and how we decide to live each moment. We can feel detached. Or, with our child eyes, we see things as they are, nothing more and nothing less. But that we wouldn't be a problem, because we accept things and people as they are, even situations, and we go on living our lives with a smile, living each moment fully. What matters is only Now, nothing else.
Our soul, from when we were younger and up to this very moment, it is the same soul. To the soul, time passes yet it grows not old. Our soul, it is and will be as vibrant and alive as it is now as it will be when we leave this body. Whether or not we are aware of it, our Soul is there. Our Self. That's why we can live through hundreds and thousands of lives, yet not feel old. Free, even in this material body. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life, happy, content and at peace, and just being US. Just Be and nothing more.
And there's nothing more and there's nothing else that we would and can ask for. :)
Be well, my friends.
Be well, oh Universe.
May Peace and Love Prevail in all Realms.
Safe life journeys, everybody.
and don't forget - let your heart smile every day. I am pretty sure you'll be smiling sometime afterwards. :)
Well, it's been a while since i've been driving alone during the daytime. On a pretty quiet sunday morning, unaffected by any severe slow-moving traffic, i find myself in a relaxed mood. and in some way, at awe of the present moment of sunshine, blue skies, and the very motion of driving a car. it is a beautiful sight and beautiful moment, much like being stuck in that time warp somewhere. I guess we can always call on this "time bubble" if we really want to. It is a serene experience - my heart smiles.
Pictures of my childhood came flooding by my mind, flashing by and playing in my mind as if it was just a few moments ago. These childhood memories are still so vivid and clear, as if i am still seeing it at that very moment. In my mind's eye, these memories roll on through my head as i saw it through my eyes at different ages: seven, ten, fifteen, and so on through my high school and college days. I "saw" how i rode the bike and fell down. I "saw" myself walking through the halls of St. Joseph Bldg during college. Even the feeling during those moments, i can still remember clearly now. It is as if time didn't pass, but of course, we know that it did.
Yet even at this age of 27, some of us would feel so old, that our youth is starting to pass us by or rather has passed us by. I believe otherwise. Given this glimpse today, it is a reminder that the child in us and our Soul - Ageless and very much Alive within us - never withers and dies. As we grow in our physical body - toward old age and death, our Soul lives on and keeps on learning throughout the ages. Even if we come to an age when we will be walking around with a cane, stopping by to catch our breathe after a walk around the corner or just being plain slow with everything else, the eyes of our Inner Child, the eyes of our Soul, it will never get old nor will it lose its sparkle. Even by then, we can still "see" everything with the eyes, the heart and the soul of a child. We have never lost it; it has always been in us. It is just like we have chosen to put on that "rose colored lenses of adulthood" when we reached a certain age, even when we didn't have to. Yet we can always choose to take those lenses off, for a while or even forever, and see life unencumbered by limitations, illusions and the clouds of fear. We always have a choice on how we choose to see our Life, on how we perceive all that have happened and on how we feel on all that we have experienced. It is up to us, Our Self, and how we decide to live each moment. We can feel detached. Or, with our child eyes, we see things as they are, nothing more and nothing less. But that we wouldn't be a problem, because we accept things and people as they are, even situations, and we go on living our lives with a smile, living each moment fully. What matters is only Now, nothing else.
Our soul, from when we were younger and up to this very moment, it is the same soul. To the soul, time passes yet it grows not old. Our soul, it is and will be as vibrant and alive as it is now as it will be when we leave this body. Whether or not we are aware of it, our Soul is there. Our Self. That's why we can live through hundreds and thousands of lives, yet not feel old. Free, even in this material body. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life, happy, content and at peace, and just being US. Just Be and nothing more.
And there's nothing more and there's nothing else that we would and can ask for. :)
Be well, my friends.
Be well, oh Universe.
May Peace and Love Prevail in all Realms.
Safe life journeys, everybody.
and don't forget - let your heart smile every day. I am pretty sure you'll be smiling sometime afterwards. :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
half sleepy...
half giddy....
wishful thinking...
dreaming to once again live...
oh beating heart,
let me listen to your whisper.
Despite your rhythmic beat,
your silence holds lots of truths -
those of the world and of my soul.
you know me...
even when i don't speak.
Such is your beauty,
such is your power,
such is the depth,
oh we so wish to fathom.
oh, live not in fear!
stand true to where thy heart is.
Be swept not by doubt simmering beneath thee.
Go forth, despite good or bad,
courageously, with an open and accepting heart,
take an Adventurous Ride,
both known and uncertain,
on Life's Moving and Rolling Wheels.
half giddy....
wishful thinking...
dreaming to once again live...
oh beating heart,
let me listen to your whisper.
Despite your rhythmic beat,
your silence holds lots of truths -
those of the world and of my soul.
you know me...
even when i don't speak.
Such is your beauty,
such is your power,
such is the depth,
oh we so wish to fathom.
oh, live not in fear!
stand true to where thy heart is.
Be swept not by doubt simmering beneath thee.
Go forth, despite good or bad,
courageously, with an open and accepting heart,
take an Adventurous Ride,
both known and uncertain,
on Life's Moving and Rolling Wheels.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
got scared a while ago.... i am afraid that i am just seeing the world in one "frame of mind" - in that when you see others, you think and ask why are they living that way (not that there is anything wrong with the way they are living). I am afraid to get stuck in just one frame, and at some point "judge". as if you just "see" things in that one way. i don't want to judge, i want to keep an open mind. i live my life, we live our life the way we want it - adhering to the practices we have chosen to become parts of our lives. i want to broaden my mind and my heart. i may not understand completely, nor may i accept everything, but at least not to shut anything out. to just let anything be as they are.
while i was watchng this commercial, and i kinda caught myself thinking in "one" way. you know... and it disturbed me. really disturbed me. if i am not aware, i may end up just falling into seeing that way without knowing. just like horses whose peripheral visions are covered when they are harnessed to carriages. i fear that i'll think that the only correct way to live life is the way one lives one's own life, and to get stuck in thinking the teachings that i've been so used to hearing for the past 3 years i end up conforming to and thinking to be the only path, fearing that if i don't do so, that i'll be "damned" in some sort. though i know deep inside that this is not the case. i know that we live our life the way we want it - we decide on how we live it, through each decision/choice we make. whether it adheres and conforms to how others live or not, it doesn't matter as long as you have not wronged others in anyway. you live your life in peace, and leave them to live their lives in peace. freedom from the consecrating eyes in us that is afraid of what others think of us. i don't want to close myself. i don't want to end up just seeing something wrong in the way people live their lives when there is nothing really wrong about it - it is just the way they choose to live. i don't want to create limitations, when there is no need to set up such limitations that may possibly block us to a lot of things. i don't know... that's how i feeling. i can't really express it word per word, and i feel that i can't truly say it out, but i hope you get what i meant.
i just realized if i hadn't caught myself just thinking that way a while ago, who would have known if i could have continued thinking that way later on and shut out all other thinking or point of views. it's always better to have a wider point of view, by listening to other people's point of view. to expand one's understanding. i want to keep open, to keep neutral at some point, to be able to give the benefit of the doubt when needed.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I AM ALIVE
LET ME GO!
LET ME GO FREE!
RELEASE THE STIFLING GRIP AROUND MY NECK!!
LET ME BREATHE ON MY OWN.
LET GO AND STOP HOLDING ON TO MY WINGS!!
LET ME FLY AND EXPLORE THE WORLD ON MY OWN.
I HAVE TRIED MY BEST,
AND EVEN WITHOUT YOU DOING ALL THOSE THINGS,
I AM ALREADY IN THESE INVISIBLE CAGE,
WOVEN FROM THE STRINGS OF FEAR AND CONDITIONING YOU HAVE PLACED,
PLACED SO GREEDILY.
MANIPULATING YOU?
I HAVE NOT!
I AM JUST SPEAKING UP!
I AM NOT YOU.
OR PROBABLY YES, I AM LIKE YOU.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE MANIPULATED AT ALL!
JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW!
I AM DOING MY BEST,
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T SEE!
YOU SAY THAT YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN I DO IT?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT ANYMORE,
NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW CALMLY I TRY.
YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELVES.
AND SO, I LEARNED FROM THE BEST: YOU!
SO WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT I JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF,
I HOPE THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE YOURSELVES IN THAT.
I COULD HAVE GONE OFF.
BUT GOSH, I STOPPED OUT OF RESPECT.
SO PLEASE, RESPECTFULLY GIVE ME MY SPACE.
LET ME COOL OF MY STEAM.
BOTHER ME NOT WHILE I AM SO.
THIS HOUSE CAN BE SO STIFLING ALL THE TIME.
HOW QUIET AND PEACEFUL IT IS WHEN I AM ALONE IN THE HOUSE.
RELAX YOURSELVES AND ENJOY YOUR TRIP WITHOUT ME.
LET ME ENJOY THE PEACE THERE IS FOR MYSELF, NOT YOURS.
AND ENJOY YOUR PEACE THERE, WITHOUT MY "NON-CONFORMING" WAYS.
SOMETIMES, IT IS NOT RESPECT ANYMORE.
IT IS FEAR.
I AM LEARNING TO FACE MY FEAR ONE DAY AT A TIME.
YOU ARE ONE OF MY GREATEST FEARS.
BUT YES, I AM ARMING MYSELF TO BE STRONGER,
EACH MOMENT, EACH SECOND, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, EACH YEAR, EACH LIFETIME.
I WILL BE STRONGER.
I WILL BE WISER.
I WILL NOT WISH YOU ILL-WILL.
BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTINUE TO SNUFF AWAY THE FIRE
THAT WISHES TO SHINE BRIGHT,
ON ITS OWN!
BAD JUDGEMENT?
ARE YOU REALLY PROTECTING ME FROM MYSELF?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SAVE ME WHILE I WAS OUT THERE?
NO! SO PLEASE, REMEMBER THAT!
I HAVE HANDLED MYSELF WELL, EVEN WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE, WHEN I WAS AWAY!
SO, IS THAT STILL BAD JUDGEMENT?
CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING, AT ALL?
CAN YOU EVEN SEE ANYTHING ANYMORE?
I WISH TO IMPROVE MYSELF, ON MY OWN.
I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I WILL BE "IMPROVING" MYSELF IN YOUR EYES,
THE WAY YOU WANT! ISN'T THIS MANIPULATION?
CHILDISH? YES, I CAN BE CHILDISH!
BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME ACT MY OWN AGE!
BECAUSE I CAN'T DO WHAT I WANT LIKE PEOPLE MY OWN AGE!
YOU DON'T TREAT ME AS AN ADULT.
YOU TREAT ME AS A CHILD - A CHILD UNABLE OF ANY DECISIONS.
IS IT MY FAULT?
HOPE YOU REALIZE THE RIGHT ANSWER.
LET ME IMMERSE MYSELF INTO SOMETHING MORE.
SELF-CENTEREDNESS TO YOU.
FINDING AND LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF - FOR ME.
LET ME FEEL MYSELF - AND ACCEPT MYSELF.
I AM TIRED.
TIRED OF YOU.
I LOVE YOU.... BUT I AM TIRED.
I LOVE THAT ONE PERSON YOU HATE,
AND I WILL CONTINUE LOVING AND LOOKING UP TO THAT PERSON.
FOR HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I CAN BE STRONG AS I CAN BE.
I AM STRONG!
I AM SERIOUS!
I AM ALIVE!
LET ME GO FREE!
RELEASE THE STIFLING GRIP AROUND MY NECK!!
LET ME BREATHE ON MY OWN.
LET GO AND STOP HOLDING ON TO MY WINGS!!
LET ME FLY AND EXPLORE THE WORLD ON MY OWN.
I HAVE TRIED MY BEST,
AND EVEN WITHOUT YOU DOING ALL THOSE THINGS,
I AM ALREADY IN THESE INVISIBLE CAGE,
WOVEN FROM THE STRINGS OF FEAR AND CONDITIONING YOU HAVE PLACED,
PLACED SO GREEDILY.
MANIPULATING YOU?
I HAVE NOT!
I AM JUST SPEAKING UP!
I AM NOT YOU.
OR PROBABLY YES, I AM LIKE YOU.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE MANIPULATED AT ALL!
JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW!
I AM DOING MY BEST,
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T SEE!
YOU SAY THAT YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN I DO IT?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT ANYMORE,
NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW CALMLY I TRY.
YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELVES.
AND SO, I LEARNED FROM THE BEST: YOU!
SO WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT I JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF,
I HOPE THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE YOURSELVES IN THAT.
I COULD HAVE GONE OFF.
BUT GOSH, I STOPPED OUT OF RESPECT.
SO PLEASE, RESPECTFULLY GIVE ME MY SPACE.
LET ME COOL OF MY STEAM.
BOTHER ME NOT WHILE I AM SO.
THIS HOUSE CAN BE SO STIFLING ALL THE TIME.
HOW QUIET AND PEACEFUL IT IS WHEN I AM ALONE IN THE HOUSE.
RELAX YOURSELVES AND ENJOY YOUR TRIP WITHOUT ME.
LET ME ENJOY THE PEACE THERE IS FOR MYSELF, NOT YOURS.
AND ENJOY YOUR PEACE THERE, WITHOUT MY "NON-CONFORMING" WAYS.
SOMETIMES, IT IS NOT RESPECT ANYMORE.
IT IS FEAR.
I AM LEARNING TO FACE MY FEAR ONE DAY AT A TIME.
YOU ARE ONE OF MY GREATEST FEARS.
BUT YES, I AM ARMING MYSELF TO BE STRONGER,
EACH MOMENT, EACH SECOND, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, EACH YEAR, EACH LIFETIME.
I WILL BE STRONGER.
I WILL BE WISER.
I WILL NOT WISH YOU ILL-WILL.
BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTINUE TO SNUFF AWAY THE FIRE
THAT WISHES TO SHINE BRIGHT,
ON ITS OWN!
BAD JUDGEMENT?
ARE YOU REALLY PROTECTING ME FROM MYSELF?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SAVE ME WHILE I WAS OUT THERE?
NO! SO PLEASE, REMEMBER THAT!
I HAVE HANDLED MYSELF WELL, EVEN WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE, WHEN I WAS AWAY!
SO, IS THAT STILL BAD JUDGEMENT?
CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING, AT ALL?
CAN YOU EVEN SEE ANYTHING ANYMORE?
I WISH TO IMPROVE MYSELF, ON MY OWN.
I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I WILL BE "IMPROVING" MYSELF IN YOUR EYES,
THE WAY YOU WANT! ISN'T THIS MANIPULATION?
CHILDISH? YES, I CAN BE CHILDISH!
BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME ACT MY OWN AGE!
BECAUSE I CAN'T DO WHAT I WANT LIKE PEOPLE MY OWN AGE!
YOU DON'T TREAT ME AS AN ADULT.
YOU TREAT ME AS A CHILD - A CHILD UNABLE OF ANY DECISIONS.
IS IT MY FAULT?
HOPE YOU REALIZE THE RIGHT ANSWER.
LET ME IMMERSE MYSELF INTO SOMETHING MORE.
SELF-CENTEREDNESS TO YOU.
FINDING AND LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF - FOR ME.
LET ME FEEL MYSELF - AND ACCEPT MYSELF.
I AM TIRED.
TIRED OF YOU.
I LOVE YOU.... BUT I AM TIRED.
I LOVE THAT ONE PERSON YOU HATE,
AND I WILL CONTINUE LOVING AND LOOKING UP TO THAT PERSON.
FOR HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I CAN BE STRONG AS I CAN BE.
I AM STRONG!
I AM SERIOUS!
I AM ALIVE!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
a while ago, i was just reminiscing..... of what i've learned - how to handle myself in certain situations, meeting with new people, learning to get along with myself better... stuff like that.... what a roller coaster ride, in some ways, and it was fun. if it wasn't, well, it was worth learning from - because i learned a lot and now know how to take care of myself if a similar circumstance arises in the now and the future. experiences definitely are worth cherishing, and worth learning from. some may leave good memories with us, others sort of embarrassing, but still, a lesson can be learned, as long as we are ready to take it.
mind is pretty empty and calm now.... but at one point during the evening,it was like there was this pulsating feeling in me, wanting to go deeper and further into myself.... i wanted to cry.... but i don't really know why anymore.... i just wanted to reach in...... there is more.... but that is just it.... i am unable to reach it yet.... spending more and more quiet time with myself - i seem to want this. i have been spending quiet time, meditation time, for myself, during the past few evenings. today, a part inside of me really wanted to, as if it was able to reach out during those sessions with myself. of course, i didn't do so tonight, because i was processing why i was having these thoughts. and at times i felt like i just want my mind to blow up, into nothingness.... can the call to meditate be addicting? i don't know. but for the past few days, it called to me, and i just followed - at the same time praying and sending energies of love and healing to people i care for and to the people of the world.
anyway, at this time, i must go to sleep, even if i don't really feel sleepy at all. vacation time has ended once again, and tomorrow is another day of work. not that i totally hate it, nor do i totally love it. anyway, will try to sleep.
mind is pretty empty and calm now.... but at one point during the evening,it was like there was this pulsating feeling in me, wanting to go deeper and further into myself.... i wanted to cry.... but i don't really know why anymore.... i just wanted to reach in...... there is more.... but that is just it.... i am unable to reach it yet.... spending more and more quiet time with myself - i seem to want this. i have been spending quiet time, meditation time, for myself, during the past few evenings. today, a part inside of me really wanted to, as if it was able to reach out during those sessions with myself. of course, i didn't do so tonight, because i was processing why i was having these thoughts. and at times i felt like i just want my mind to blow up, into nothingness.... can the call to meditate be addicting? i don't know. but for the past few days, it called to me, and i just followed - at the same time praying and sending energies of love and healing to people i care for and to the people of the world.
anyway, at this time, i must go to sleep, even if i don't really feel sleepy at all. vacation time has ended once again, and tomorrow is another day of work. not that i totally hate it, nor do i totally love it. anyway, will try to sleep.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Today, i spent the late afternoon up until the evening at my sister's house. :) We were suppose to have a movie marathon, but ended up watching just one movie. Haha :) but anyway, we had dinner at their place. Before going down to eat, i had to leave Harrod with my bro-in-law. As i was about to move towards the door, Harrod cried out, as if asking me not to leave. He was really about to cry. I find it really sweet. :) Of course, I reassured him that i'll be coming back and Harrod kept quiet. :) It happened twice tonight - the other time being when i left him with my sister so that i can rest my arms for a while. :) haha :) even in small ways, it is nice to be needed by somebody. :) well, for now. :) but i guess i must remind myself not to get hooked to being needed by others, because in time he will not need me the same way. I'll be there when he needs me. I'll let him be when he doesn't need me; I'll enjoy being me and enjoy my own time when that happens. :) i do pray for that. :) it doesn't always mean that if you're not needed, that you're useless to that person anymore, that that person doesn't care for you anymore. Rather, it's time for both of you to spend time by yourselves, the way you choose to make the most of that time of your life while apart from each other. :) There's a time to grow together, and a time to grow on one's own. :) I am just realizing this. :) because i still find myself feeling this way, even up to just very recently. ;)
sounds idealistic, but i hope we will all be able to equally live comfortable lives.... Wars, greed, poverty, illness, hunger.... i hope we can all make a difference in each others' lives, in small or even big ways, ending the suffering...
But we must also be reminded that we all view things, the world and our own lives differently.
in the end, all these depends on how we choose to see or view things - our lives, our selves, our world, our experiences, our present. the perspective really matters. and if we take it and learn from it, each experience is a very important moment in our life - it doesn't go to waste because it is meaningful, we are learning something, finding something of value, discovering truths, accepting truths and realities, and/or we even live it fully as is. :)
sounds idealistic, but i hope we will all be able to equally live comfortable lives.... Wars, greed, poverty, illness, hunger.... i hope we can all make a difference in each others' lives, in small or even big ways, ending the suffering...
But we must also be reminded that we all view things, the world and our own lives differently.
in the end, all these depends on how we choose to see or view things - our lives, our selves, our world, our experiences, our present. the perspective really matters. and if we take it and learn from it, each experience is a very important moment in our life - it doesn't go to waste because it is meaningful, we are learning something, finding something of value, discovering truths, accepting truths and realities, and/or we even live it fully as is. :)
Sunday, April 05, 2009
My mom and my brother are on a trip in China. So it's just me and my dad at home. I have just been watching tv, sort of, and just surfing around in the virtual world we call the internet. As i stood up from the bed, my present position in life flashed into my mind.
"I am working in a non-profit organization, as i wanted. I am doing my best to help save the environment by not using the air conditioning unit, but use the electric fan instead as well as other stuff. I am driving myself around now. I don't have to worry about food and lodging. I have what i need. I am also getting to read a lot, download and watch movies, and watch tv whenever i want to. I don't really have to worry much at all about work once i am home. Even if it is hard to get out once in a while, i actually don't really have to worry about anything. My life is simply what it is right now.
Am I where I am supposed to be?
the past few years and what has just transpired from then and now seem to point that out to me. With all those experiences, deep in my heart, i know that i am where i am supposed to be. I have been learning from this experiences. and even up to know, drawing realizations and still drawing strength and courage from these experiences. Even my dreams have been pointing that out to me. Places that i dream of flash before me when it suddenly comes into view a few days, a few months, or sometimes a few years after.... I am sort of in a neutral and balanced plane right now. Emotion-wise, it is the same as well. Even if sometimes politics here and there mar my view of the world, i am still surrounded by loving people. When changes happen, i am surrounded by a loving environment. Wherever I go, I am taken cared of by people i care for, and i do my best to take care of them as well because i do care for them as well. So i wonder if it is time to move on or time to stay some more while i gather more strength, more courage, and more inner peace and stability. Will the opportunity show itself, when the time to move on has finally arrived? Deep inside, i try to feel for it, and pray that i be mindful. i also pray that i continue to learn and to continue to take things as they are, to make the most of these current experiences in the present, and to continue to open and broaden my heart, mind, body and soul to different emotions, views, experiences and realities. To learn more, to grow more, to evolve... to be more of my Self, for my Self and later on for others as well."
Deep in my heart, i still want to make a difference in the world. I want to help make a difference. I want to make things better for all of us. As to how, i still don't know. I want to share the goodness there is. Of course, as to the realities of life, i hope that we can learn to look at it from different angles but still be able to find some angles of similarities to connect to each other. As i used to say, "May our similarities bond us together, and may our differences strengthen this bond." Or it could be the other way around, "May our differences bond us together, and let our similarities strengthen this bond." I think the latter one is the right one. But the former can also be another way to come from.
We look and search for inner peace, but sometimes, it finds us on its own. When we least expect it, when we are not resisting it. I hope that this happens not because we grew tired of the world, but rather because we have achieved a new understanding that helps open our hearts, our eyes, our minds, our bodies and our souls to what is always there and has always been there.
There is nothing more that we need, because WE are more than what we need and much more.
"I am working in a non-profit organization, as i wanted. I am doing my best to help save the environment by not using the air conditioning unit, but use the electric fan instead as well as other stuff. I am driving myself around now. I don't have to worry about food and lodging. I have what i need. I am also getting to read a lot, download and watch movies, and watch tv whenever i want to. I don't really have to worry much at all about work once i am home. Even if it is hard to get out once in a while, i actually don't really have to worry about anything. My life is simply what it is right now.
Am I where I am supposed to be?
the past few years and what has just transpired from then and now seem to point that out to me. With all those experiences, deep in my heart, i know that i am where i am supposed to be. I have been learning from this experiences. and even up to know, drawing realizations and still drawing strength and courage from these experiences. Even my dreams have been pointing that out to me. Places that i dream of flash before me when it suddenly comes into view a few days, a few months, or sometimes a few years after.... I am sort of in a neutral and balanced plane right now. Emotion-wise, it is the same as well. Even if sometimes politics here and there mar my view of the world, i am still surrounded by loving people. When changes happen, i am surrounded by a loving environment. Wherever I go, I am taken cared of by people i care for, and i do my best to take care of them as well because i do care for them as well. So i wonder if it is time to move on or time to stay some more while i gather more strength, more courage, and more inner peace and stability. Will the opportunity show itself, when the time to move on has finally arrived? Deep inside, i try to feel for it, and pray that i be mindful. i also pray that i continue to learn and to continue to take things as they are, to make the most of these current experiences in the present, and to continue to open and broaden my heart, mind, body and soul to different emotions, views, experiences and realities. To learn more, to grow more, to evolve... to be more of my Self, for my Self and later on for others as well."
Deep in my heart, i still want to make a difference in the world. I want to help make a difference. I want to make things better for all of us. As to how, i still don't know. I want to share the goodness there is. Of course, as to the realities of life, i hope that we can learn to look at it from different angles but still be able to find some angles of similarities to connect to each other. As i used to say, "May our similarities bond us together, and may our differences strengthen this bond." Or it could be the other way around, "May our differences bond us together, and let our similarities strengthen this bond." I think the latter one is the right one. But the former can also be another way to come from.
We look and search for inner peace, but sometimes, it finds us on its own. When we least expect it, when we are not resisting it. I hope that this happens not because we grew tired of the world, but rather because we have achieved a new understanding that helps open our hearts, our eyes, our minds, our bodies and our souls to what is always there and has always been there.
There is nothing more that we need, because WE are more than what we need and much more.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
When i was younger, i heard that there was a reading telling that of my fortune/future. The person said that i'll get married at the age of 24. As a child, i could see myself married at that age, and i didn't mind at all. You could even say i was proud.
Now, at age 27, at this very moment, i realized that i can't even see the next 50 years of my life. All i can see is a blank. hahaha :) i wonder if i will even get that 50 years more of life, and living each moment fully and courageously. :) But thinking of it, who knows of our future? :) I would love to see and fulfill my dreams in the future. But all i can see clearly was the past, and how everything came so fast. Almost 27 years.... but there is still more. We just don't know how the future will unfold. Oh well. talking about that with my co-worker, we just laughed. :) and i guess that's the best way to deal with it - to just laugh, be happy and just let it be, free to unfold in its own way, in its own time, at the right time. :) for now, the present's what we have to make the most of. and I am glad to be happy, content and at peace most of the time. Still dreaming, wishing, praying of a future lived fully. :)
Now, at age 27, at this very moment, i realized that i can't even see the next 50 years of my life. All i can see is a blank. hahaha :) i wonder if i will even get that 50 years more of life, and living each moment fully and courageously. :) But thinking of it, who knows of our future? :) I would love to see and fulfill my dreams in the future. But all i can see clearly was the past, and how everything came so fast. Almost 27 years.... but there is still more. We just don't know how the future will unfold. Oh well. talking about that with my co-worker, we just laughed. :) and i guess that's the best way to deal with it - to just laugh, be happy and just let it be, free to unfold in its own way, in its own time, at the right time. :) for now, the present's what we have to make the most of. and I am glad to be happy, content and at peace most of the time. Still dreaming, wishing, praying of a future lived fully. :)
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Lying on the bed in a dark room, in front of the computer, I realized how i feel at peace now. I used to not feel this way. I would always be filled with paranoid thoughts, even right before i go to sleep and as soon as i wake up. I yearned to sleep to get away from it, and i yearned to stay asleep to stay away from it. Yet each day, i would wake, and it would all through me. Everyday, i did end up smiling, i did end up opening up. I did make a friend. I also lost that very same friend. The value of the friendship is priceless, yet the lesson i learned and gained from this experience is also very priceless: i learned to let go, i learned to move on, i learned to forgive myself, i learned to still see the goodness with the bad, i learned to be there for myself, and i learned to be at peace with my self.
there is not one day that i do not regret the loss of that friendship. Yet the lessons gained are those that i also treasure very much. It has made me stronger - the experience, the person, the friendship - both during its life and its death. During the life of that friendship, i was given a place to feel safe and comfortable, away from my paranoia. It offered support, love and care. It offered a smile and place to belong to. I was heard. I mattered, how silly i may be, even to just ONE person. In its death, it gave me new life. it breathed in a fresh breeze of air, new perspectives, new modes of feeling and thinking, and even reacting, as i opened up more to myself. In its death, i begin to live in a new way. It is not really a rebirth, but rather, as one close friend called it, an evolution. I live day by day, still hoping to find answers to all my questions one day. Yet i also live day by day, moment by moment, finally learning to be alive, to be aware, to be mindful, and to be there with myself no matter whatever comes my way. It has helped me get out of that shell, of that world, of that illusion that i kept myself in. I evolved and continue to evolve into who i am feeling myself right now to be with. In our evolution, the past, present and future are linked as one. Inseparable. The past leads to the present, and the present leads to the future. Both looking back and looking forward, there is nothing we can do about them. Looking into the present, it is affected by the past so that we can do more for the future. It will never be easy. Although it is really not that hard, if we learn to just view it in all its simplicity - the way it is, the way it just is. Even the complications are simplicities - all bundled together, intertwined around each other.
This is our life. However we choose to live it, only we ourselves can do - how we see, how we feel, how we react, how we think, how we perceive, how we believe, how we let go, how we hold on, how we make contact, how we touch, how we reach out. Every little how, every little thing do, is part of that inner voice, that inner self. Our inner self wants to live, whether on this physical plane or in another dimension. We all yearn to live and be alive, living fully. We all yearn to be more - not just in material and tangible matters, but most importantly, to be more of Our Selves. More is not always more of and from others, but most of the time, it is more of and from Our Selves.
there is not one day that i do not regret the loss of that friendship. Yet the lessons gained are those that i also treasure very much. It has made me stronger - the experience, the person, the friendship - both during its life and its death. During the life of that friendship, i was given a place to feel safe and comfortable, away from my paranoia. It offered support, love and care. It offered a smile and place to belong to. I was heard. I mattered, how silly i may be, even to just ONE person. In its death, it gave me new life. it breathed in a fresh breeze of air, new perspectives, new modes of feeling and thinking, and even reacting, as i opened up more to myself. In its death, i begin to live in a new way. It is not really a rebirth, but rather, as one close friend called it, an evolution. I live day by day, still hoping to find answers to all my questions one day. Yet i also live day by day, moment by moment, finally learning to be alive, to be aware, to be mindful, and to be there with myself no matter whatever comes my way. It has helped me get out of that shell, of that world, of that illusion that i kept myself in. I evolved and continue to evolve into who i am feeling myself right now to be with. In our evolution, the past, present and future are linked as one. Inseparable. The past leads to the present, and the present leads to the future. Both looking back and looking forward, there is nothing we can do about them. Looking into the present, it is affected by the past so that we can do more for the future. It will never be easy. Although it is really not that hard, if we learn to just view it in all its simplicity - the way it is, the way it just is. Even the complications are simplicities - all bundled together, intertwined around each other.
This is our life. However we choose to live it, only we ourselves can do - how we see, how we feel, how we react, how we think, how we perceive, how we believe, how we let go, how we hold on, how we make contact, how we touch, how we reach out. Every little how, every little thing do, is part of that inner voice, that inner self. Our inner self wants to live, whether on this physical plane or in another dimension. We all yearn to live and be alive, living fully. We all yearn to be more - not just in material and tangible matters, but most importantly, to be more of Our Selves. More is not always more of and from others, but most of the time, it is more of and from Our Selves.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Ever watched?
Observed?
As a smiled slowly curled on your face,
And your mind clears up, present to whatever there is that day.
Ever breathed?
Sighed?
Hoping that it would never end,
Or that it would never happen.
Ever hoped?
prayed?
That it would not hurt like hell,
Wondering when it will get well or if it must ever get well.
Have you ever closed your eyes?
Hoping not to wake up ever.
Were you ever afraid of falling asleep?
Fearful that this we cannot keep?
Have you ever just sat quietly?
Watching life go by?
Have you ever paused for a while?
Praying for our dear Inner Child.
Here we are,
stopping while wading on the Life Stream.
To go with the flow, or stand still.
To fall away fighting the current,
or to let the waves swallow us away.
Observed?
As a smiled slowly curled on your face,
And your mind clears up, present to whatever there is that day.
Ever breathed?
Sighed?
Hoping that it would never end,
Or that it would never happen.
Ever hoped?
prayed?
That it would not hurt like hell,
Wondering when it will get well or if it must ever get well.
Have you ever closed your eyes?
Hoping not to wake up ever.
Were you ever afraid of falling asleep?
Fearful that this we cannot keep?
Have you ever just sat quietly?
Watching life go by?
Have you ever paused for a while?
Praying for our dear Inner Child.
Here we are,
stopping while wading on the Life Stream.
To go with the flow, or stand still.
To fall away fighting the current,
or to let the waves swallow us away.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Monday, March 02, 2009
Drew, do you remember this picture? :) I don't know why it is in my Yahoo Briefcase account. :) I have no recollection and i don't even remember why i placed it there. :) heheh :) But it is definitely from our college days. :) Yahoo Briefcase announced that they will be removing the Briefcase service. I know that i didn't use it as much during college, except for "thesis" and a "projman" project. (oh, i guess for OJT as well) Anyway, i took some time to check what was in there before i completely resolve to forget about it and leave it forever. What i found in the "briefcase" were pictures from tagaytay, from a get-together with highschool batchmates, this very picture, and some other files that i think i uploaded from OJT work that i studied and made an "unsuccessful yet working" program for. :) I deleted all those stuff except for the pictures, which i am content to save in this very laptop.
and yes, i am posting that picture of you and Ad, taken at the lobby of our Planet Goks in DLSU, sometime during our college past. :)
and yes, i am posting that picture of you and Ad, taken at the lobby of our Planet Goks in DLSU, sometime during our college past. :)
Sunday, March 01, 2009
"As i watch you, i realize more and more how good you articulate yourself. You express yourself as how you feel. You can find the words that hit and fit perfectly what you want to say, what you really mean to say. It doesn't just reflect your intelligence, but it also reflects how much you are aware of Yourself.
It is a gift - this that you have shared to me.
You are a gift. And I will always remind you of that.
You are you. and no matter what they say, You are who I love. Yes, I look up to you, because you are true to yourself. Yes, the things that you are into may seem out of this world, but you are not afraid to go and take that journey that seems illogical and irrational for most. The experiences of a life lived as one wishes - it is filled with beauty, passion, a myriad of emotions, our humanity and our highest being, but most importantly, of Life. It is alive. It becomes alive. and it continues to lives on.
As you go on and shed the layers that seem to hide Our Light and the Light of the Universe, i am yet just at the beginning of my own internal journey. Yet I will learn, slowly, not to let the fear overwhelm me, and to learn to accept it with courage at every step forward. Your love and support, and even your distance from me, serve as guidance. A guide will not always lead the way, for one day, i shall be my own Guide, and learn to walk another road that I have so decided to take. And one day, as Guides of our own Life, we shall meet again, to learn from each other, to encourage and strengthen each other, and to relish as well as cherish each other's presence and company. We Are Together in Growth. Afar, but never apart.
Be Well. Safe Journeys."
It is a gift - this that you have shared to me.
You are a gift. And I will always remind you of that.
You are you. and no matter what they say, You are who I love. Yes, I look up to you, because you are true to yourself. Yes, the things that you are into may seem out of this world, but you are not afraid to go and take that journey that seems illogical and irrational for most. The experiences of a life lived as one wishes - it is filled with beauty, passion, a myriad of emotions, our humanity and our highest being, but most importantly, of Life. It is alive. It becomes alive. and it continues to lives on.
As you go on and shed the layers that seem to hide Our Light and the Light of the Universe, i am yet just at the beginning of my own internal journey. Yet I will learn, slowly, not to let the fear overwhelm me, and to learn to accept it with courage at every step forward. Your love and support, and even your distance from me, serve as guidance. A guide will not always lead the way, for one day, i shall be my own Guide, and learn to walk another road that I have so decided to take. And one day, as Guides of our own Life, we shall meet again, to learn from each other, to encourage and strengthen each other, and to relish as well as cherish each other's presence and company. We Are Together in Growth. Afar, but never apart.
Be Well. Safe Journeys."
Wow, i have just downloaded and installed Safari 4, and boy, does it load pages fast. Really fast! :) Safari does as it advertised. :) Cool! :) Yes, at this very moment, i am using Safari to write this blog. It also loads pictures fast. Usually, it would take more than 10 seconds (okay, 5 seconds!) to display most pics in facebook using other browsers (and sometimes, the pictures just wouldn't load and hangs/freezes as is), but with Safari, it is almost instantaneous! :) I am pretty sure that there are still a lot more to improve on for Safari's Window browser design, but still, it is definitely one useful browser. :) yes, i am a loyal Apple product user and fan. :) I own an iPod, and yes, i have used Mac products. Yes, i dream of buying a Macbook and an iPhone for myself (*dream is the word, and i hope my dreams come true in reality. May the universe grant my dreams.*) :) Yes, i buy almost only Apple accessories for my Apple products, and i just love almost anything Apple/Mac - of course not to the point of insane obsessiveness, but rather, it is a brand that i trust. :) I do take into account when buying new gadgets if it will be compatible with Mac and/or Apple devices. :)
Now, Safari reigns supreme in the short list of web browsers that i enjoy to use, followed by Mozilla Firefox. Sadly, for me, Internet Explorer sucks (but i still need to use it at work - since the system works well with it). But if i get to choose, it's either Safari or firefox. :) Nothing more. This two will suffice. :)
C'mon. Try it! :) http://www.apple.com/safari
Now, Safari reigns supreme in the short list of web browsers that i enjoy to use, followed by Mozilla Firefox. Sadly, for me, Internet Explorer sucks (but i still need to use it at work - since the system works well with it). But if i get to choose, it's either Safari or firefox. :) Nothing more. This two will suffice. :)
C'mon. Try it! :) http://www.apple.com/safari
Friday, February 27, 2009
"A part of me feels happy,
proud of myself even.
Yet a part also feels tired,
wanting to sleep more than one is required."
~o~o~o~o~
Writing will flow once i start to let go of my mind, to let go of the egoistic heart, and reach deeper into the soul. into something seemingly non-existent, definitely intangible, yet nothing but of true value and worth.
It has so much been a yearning to write. but my mind would always think of what others would think and i would write that out, instead of what i really want to express. When i start to write because it just flows from deep within me, that is what will be of importance, filled of my emotions and intentions, filled with my own. I have know such instances, as i have written like so before. Yet, i have to once again rediscover it. and if not, learn to strip away all the pretensions that are acting as my obstructions, and be able to just be. No tugging, no pressure. No fear, no rejection. Nothing good nor bad, but just AM. To touch the center, the core - My Center and My Core - My Being. Be free of the notion of time and space, and retain that of only Being, present in awareness, presence and awareness. Be.
I yearn to be. I long to be. For I to be...
Why do i run after thee?
When they say that you are already inside of me...
They ask me the same question,
and so do I.
proud of myself even.
Yet a part also feels tired,
wanting to sleep more than one is required."
~o~o~o~o~
Writing will flow once i start to let go of my mind, to let go of the egoistic heart, and reach deeper into the soul. into something seemingly non-existent, definitely intangible, yet nothing but of true value and worth.
It has so much been a yearning to write. but my mind would always think of what others would think and i would write that out, instead of what i really want to express. When i start to write because it just flows from deep within me, that is what will be of importance, filled of my emotions and intentions, filled with my own. I have know such instances, as i have written like so before. Yet, i have to once again rediscover it. and if not, learn to strip away all the pretensions that are acting as my obstructions, and be able to just be. No tugging, no pressure. No fear, no rejection. Nothing good nor bad, but just AM. To touch the center, the core - My Center and My Core - My Being. Be free of the notion of time and space, and retain that of only Being, present in awareness, presence and awareness. Be.
I yearn to be. I long to be. For I to be...
Why do i run after thee?
When they say that you are already inside of me...
They ask me the same question,
and so do I.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A while ago, my conversation with my co-worker came upon the topic of ghosts or spirits. Ah, i remember. It started when we were discussing about a certain aunt who gave us packs of Thai 3-in-1 instant coffee that we really like drinking. This same aunt also gives us champaca flowers since one of the aunties that i work with really like it so much. Anyway, my co-worker asked this aunt if she can ask for like a root or something so that she can grow her own at home. I guess the aunt will be giving her one, as she has cautioned her to grow this plant on a pot instead of letting it grow into a big tree. The reason: If this type of plant grows into a big tree, spirits start to house or live in that tree. (We actually have such a tree at home. It has grown so big that the roots have already broken out of the stone enclosing that it was placed inside of in the garden in front of the actual house structure.)
Talking about ghosts and spirits, it led to the telling of ghost stories. Of course, i told of ghost stories i have heard, as well as those told my friends and family. And they shared theirs as well: a ghost opening the shower in the toilet in their old house to quiet down a set of carpenters and painters that smoked and sang - these group never came back to the construction site ever again, a friend who stayed late at work and found oneself beside a headless body(this bit scared me enough, especially when a picture of it in my imagination showed itself so clearly. i shuddered in a weird way and it made them laugh.), a picture they have taken at their old home wherein they saw just a head in their picture (of which my co-worker quickly tore into pieces as soon as she saw that face), of a room in their old house that was always cold.
So many stories, so many experiences. For me, i am just glad that i don't see them, even if i feel them around. it's better than being scared to the bones and ending up stunned and motionless. you know what i mean. even if i want to learn and understand our universe more and in a deeper and more meaningful manner, there are just some things that i guess i just have to let be. the curiosity about life and the vast universe (wondering if there are ever answers to these uncountable and numerous questions) will remain, and so will the passion, interest and unquenched desire in living my (and our) life to the fullest.
Talking about ghosts and spirits, it led to the telling of ghost stories. Of course, i told of ghost stories i have heard, as well as those told my friends and family. And they shared theirs as well: a ghost opening the shower in the toilet in their old house to quiet down a set of carpenters and painters that smoked and sang - these group never came back to the construction site ever again, a friend who stayed late at work and found oneself beside a headless body(this bit scared me enough, especially when a picture of it in my imagination showed itself so clearly. i shuddered in a weird way and it made them laugh.), a picture they have taken at their old home wherein they saw just a head in their picture (of which my co-worker quickly tore into pieces as soon as she saw that face), of a room in their old house that was always cold.
So many stories, so many experiences. For me, i am just glad that i don't see them, even if i feel them around. it's better than being scared to the bones and ending up stunned and motionless. you know what i mean. even if i want to learn and understand our universe more and in a deeper and more meaningful manner, there are just some things that i guess i just have to let be. the curiosity about life and the vast universe (wondering if there are ever answers to these uncountable and numerous questions) will remain, and so will the passion, interest and unquenched desire in living my (and our) life to the fullest.
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