Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Lying on the bed in a dark room, in front of the computer, I realized how i feel at peace now. I used to not feel this way. I would always be filled with paranoid thoughts, even right before i go to sleep and as soon as i wake up. I yearned to sleep to get away from it, and i yearned to stay asleep to stay away from it. Yet each day, i would wake, and it would all through me. Everyday, i did end up smiling, i did end up opening up. I did make a friend. I also lost that very same friend. The value of the friendship is priceless, yet the lesson i learned and gained from this experience is also very priceless: i learned to let go, i learned to move on, i learned to forgive myself, i learned to still see the goodness with the bad, i learned to be there for myself, and i learned to be at peace with my self.

there is not one day that i do not regret the loss of that friendship. Yet the lessons gained are those that i also treasure very much. It has made me stronger - the experience, the person, the friendship - both during its life and its death. During the life of that friendship, i was given a place to feel safe and comfortable, away from my paranoia. It offered support, love and care. It offered a smile and place to belong to. I was heard. I mattered, how silly i may be, even to just ONE person. In its death, it gave me new life. it breathed in a fresh breeze of air, new perspectives, new modes of feeling and thinking, and even reacting, as i opened up more to myself. In its death, i begin to live in a new way. It is not really a rebirth, but rather, as one close friend called it, an evolution. I live day by day, still hoping to find answers to all my questions one day. Yet i also live day by day, moment by moment, finally learning to be alive, to be aware, to be mindful, and to be there with myself no matter whatever comes my way. It has helped me get out of that shell, of that world, of that illusion that i kept myself in. I evolved and continue to evolve into who i am feeling myself right now to be with. In our evolution, the past, present and future are linked as one. Inseparable. The past leads to the present, and the present leads to the future. Both looking back and looking forward, there is nothing we can do about them. Looking into the present, it is affected by the past so that we can do more for the future. It will never be easy. Although it is really not that hard, if we learn to just view it in all its simplicity - the way it is, the way it just is. Even the complications are simplicities - all bundled together, intertwined around each other.

This is our life. However we choose to live it, only we ourselves can do - how we see, how we feel, how we react, how we think, how we perceive, how we believe, how we let go, how we hold on, how we make contact, how we touch, how we reach out. Every little how, every little thing do, is part of that inner voice, that inner self. Our inner self wants to live, whether on this physical plane or in another dimension. We all yearn to live and be alive, living fully. We all yearn to be more - not just in material and tangible matters, but most importantly, to be more of Our Selves. More is not always more of and from others, but most of the time, it is more of and from Our Selves.

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