There are days when you feel raw..... raw inside and out...... it would start some little simple irks, when you feel hurt. You try to let it go, but it seems to stick in your mind. And at point during that period, you just want to fully feel the sadness, and to fill up some of the emptiness that you suddenly feel. You indulge yourself deep into something not of you, something external like music, writing, or just plain keeping to your own. You are aware of all of these, but you seem not to care at all. Today, it feels like nobody cares, and so wouldn't you. you wouldn't care. you wouldn't talk. you will just let them be on their own and not mind them. but truly, you want them to realize how you are feeling without telling them, by way of the coldness you send their way. You want them to have a dose of their own medicine. Like now, even how much i care for this friend of mine, what they did felt to me like a disregard.... so i moved away.... they didn't care. and so, i chose not to care as well. i believe, i am trying to wrap myself in my own space and create walls around me, by closing my ears to listen to music so that i wouldn't hear the world beyond the invisible walls of music i created, and by emitting vibes around my space, sending out signals to stay out if you don't really care at all.
i immersed myself into music. but it wasn't enough, and finally i delved into writing this down. Writing always has a calming effect to me, if not, it makes me go crazy with thinking. Music seems to amplify my feelings though. But it doesn't matter, emotions do get amplified at times, and in a good way, just as long you don't get hurt, you don't hurt other people, and you are able to keep it and release it all by yourself with no casualties whosoever, wheresoever, whensoever, whatsoever. it helps it live itself out, to wear itself out. i've been pretty much calm the past few months, and am thankful for that. so, that means i am bound to get moody at times, just like today, after such a long while. i am human after all. But at least now i am aware, in that i'd rather keep it on my own, instead of lashing out, and being productive in the process. :) a different way of handling things, instead of reacting badly immediately. :)
and hey, don't i feel better now? :)
Actually, like after half an hour, i realized that i may be "angry"/irked at a different other than my officemate. and so, i even took the first step to talk with her again. the truth is she didn't even know. :) hahahah :) so while my ears were plugged with earphones, she was talking to me (all of which she forgot about when i asked her what she told me while i was not listening) but of course i didn't hear a simple thing. though she did wonder then why i weren't answering. so when i told her that i was listening to music instead, she said, "that figures." though now, a part of me regrets doing so because i didn't hear what she wanted to share with me. you have to note though that she didn't even had an idea or an inkling that i was angry. hahah :) shows us that when we are angry or irritated, we do stupid things that we regret when we should have just let it be. :)) oh well. :)