half sleepy...
half giddy....
wishful thinking...
dreaming to once again live...

oh beating heart,
let me listen to your whisper.

Despite your rhythmic beat,
your silence holds lots of truths -
those of the world and of my soul.

you know me...
even when i don't speak.

Such is your beauty,
such is your power,
such is the depth,
oh we so wish to fathom.

oh, live not in fear!
stand true to where thy heart is.
Be swept not by doubt simmering beneath thee.
Go forth, despite good or bad,
courageously, with an open and accepting heart,
take an Adventurous Ride,
both known and uncertain,
on Life's Moving and Rolling Wheels.

got scared a while ago.... i am afraid that i am just seeing the world in one "frame of mind" - in that when you see others, you think and ask why are they living that way (not that there is anything wrong with the way they are living). I am afraid to get stuck in just one frame, and at some point "judge". as if you just "see" things in that one way. i don't want to judge, i want to keep an open mind. i live my life, we live our life the way we want it - adhering to the practices we have chosen to become parts of our lives. i want to broaden my mind and my heart. i may not understand completely, nor may i accept everything, but at least not to shut anything out. to just let anything be as they are.

while i was watchng this commercial, and i kinda caught myself thinking in "one" way. you know... and it disturbed me. really disturbed me. if i am not aware, i may end up just falling into seeing that way without knowing. just like horses whose peripheral visions are covered when they are harnessed to carriages. i fear that i'll think that the only correct way to live life is the way one lives one's own life, and to get stuck in thinking the teachings that i've been so used to hearing for the past 3 years i end up conforming to and thinking to be the only path, fearing that if i don't do so, that i'll be "damned" in some sort. though i know deep inside that this is not the case. i know that we live our life the way we want it - we decide on how we live it, through each decision/choice we make. whether it adheres and conforms to how others live or not, it doesn't matter as long as you have not wronged others in anyway. you live your life in peace, and leave them to live their lives in peace. freedom from the consecrating eyes in us that is afraid of what others think of us. i don't want to close myself. i don't want to end up just seeing something wrong in the way people live their lives when there is nothing really wrong about it - it is just the way they choose to live. i don't want to create limitations, when there is no need to set up such limitations that may possibly block us to a lot of things. i don't know... that's how i feeling. i can't really express it word per word, and i feel that i can't truly say it out, but i hope you get what i meant.

i just realized if i hadn't caught myself just thinking that way a while ago, who would have known if i could have continued thinking that way later on and shut out all other thinking or point of views. it's always better to have a wider point of view, by listening to other people's point of view. to expand one's understanding. i want to keep open, to keep neutral at some point, to be able to give the benefit of the doubt when needed.

I AM ALIVE

LET ME GO!
LET ME GO FREE!

RELEASE THE STIFLING GRIP AROUND MY NECK!!
LET ME BREATHE ON MY OWN.

LET GO AND STOP HOLDING ON TO MY WINGS!!
LET ME FLY AND EXPLORE THE WORLD ON MY OWN.

I HAVE TRIED MY BEST,
AND EVEN WITHOUT YOU DOING ALL THOSE THINGS,
I AM ALREADY IN THESE INVISIBLE CAGE,
WOVEN FROM THE STRINGS OF FEAR AND CONDITIONING YOU HAVE PLACED,
PLACED SO GREEDILY.

MANIPULATING YOU?
I HAVE NOT!
I AM JUST SPEAKING UP!

I AM NOT YOU.
OR PROBABLY YES, I AM LIKE YOU.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE MANIPULATED AT ALL!
JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW!

I AM DOING MY BEST,
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T SEE!
YOU SAY THAT YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN I DO IT?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT ANYMORE,
NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW CALMLY I TRY.

YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELVES.
AND SO, I LEARNED FROM THE BEST: YOU!
SO WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT I JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF,
I HOPE THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE YOURSELVES IN THAT.

I COULD HAVE GONE OFF.
BUT GOSH, I STOPPED OUT OF RESPECT.
SO PLEASE, RESPECTFULLY GIVE ME MY SPACE.
LET ME COOL OF MY STEAM.
BOTHER ME NOT WHILE I AM SO.

THIS HOUSE CAN BE SO STIFLING ALL THE TIME.
HOW QUIET AND PEACEFUL IT IS WHEN I AM ALONE IN THE HOUSE.
RELAX YOURSELVES AND ENJOY YOUR TRIP WITHOUT ME.
LET ME ENJOY THE PEACE THERE IS FOR MYSELF, NOT YOURS.
AND ENJOY YOUR PEACE THERE, WITHOUT MY "NON-CONFORMING" WAYS.

SOMETIMES, IT IS NOT RESPECT ANYMORE.
IT IS FEAR.
I AM LEARNING TO FACE MY FEAR ONE DAY AT A TIME.
YOU ARE ONE OF MY GREATEST FEARS.
BUT YES, I AM ARMING MYSELF TO BE STRONGER,
EACH MOMENT, EACH SECOND, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, EACH YEAR, EACH LIFETIME.

I WILL BE STRONGER.
I WILL BE WISER.
I WILL NOT WISH YOU ILL-WILL.
BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTINUE TO SNUFF AWAY THE FIRE
THAT WISHES TO SHINE BRIGHT,
ON ITS OWN!

BAD JUDGEMENT?
ARE YOU REALLY PROTECTING ME FROM MYSELF?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SAVE ME WHILE I WAS OUT THERE?
NO! SO PLEASE, REMEMBER THAT!
I HAVE HANDLED MYSELF WELL, EVEN WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE, WHEN I WAS AWAY!
SO, IS THAT STILL BAD JUDGEMENT?

CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING, AT ALL?
CAN YOU EVEN SEE ANYTHING ANYMORE?
I WISH TO IMPROVE MYSELF, ON MY OWN.
I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I WILL BE "IMPROVING" MYSELF IN YOUR EYES,
THE WAY YOU WANT! ISN'T THIS MANIPULATION?

CHILDISH? YES, I CAN BE CHILDISH!
BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME ACT MY OWN AGE!
BECAUSE I CAN'T DO WHAT I WANT LIKE PEOPLE MY OWN AGE!
YOU DON'T TREAT ME AS AN ADULT.
YOU TREAT ME AS A CHILD - A CHILD UNABLE OF ANY DECISIONS.
IS IT MY FAULT?
HOPE YOU REALIZE THE RIGHT ANSWER.

LET ME IMMERSE MYSELF INTO SOMETHING MORE.
SELF-CENTEREDNESS TO YOU.
FINDING AND LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF - FOR ME.
LET ME FEEL MYSELF - AND ACCEPT MYSELF.

I AM TIRED.
TIRED OF YOU.
I LOVE YOU.... BUT I AM TIRED.
I LOVE THAT ONE PERSON YOU HATE,
AND I WILL CONTINUE LOVING AND LOOKING UP TO THAT PERSON.
FOR HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I CAN BE STRONG AS I CAN BE.
I AM STRONG!
I AM SERIOUS!
I AM ALIVE!

a while ago, i was just reminiscing..... of what i've learned - how to handle myself in certain situations, meeting with new people, learning to get along with myself better... stuff like that.... what a roller coaster ride, in some ways, and it was fun. if it wasn't, well, it was worth learning from - because i learned a lot and now know how to take care of myself if a similar circumstance arises in the now and the future. experiences definitely are worth cherishing, and worth learning from. some may leave good memories with us, others sort of embarrassing, but still, a lesson can be learned, as long as we are ready to take it.

mind is pretty empty and calm now.... but at one point during the evening,it was like there was this pulsating feeling in me, wanting to go deeper and further into myself.... i wanted to cry.... but i don't really know why anymore.... i just wanted to reach in...... there is more.... but that is just it.... i am unable to reach it yet.... spending more and more quiet time with myself - i seem to want this. i have been spending quiet time, meditation time, for myself, during the past few evenings. today, a part inside of me really wanted to, as if it was able to reach out during those sessions with myself. of course, i didn't do so tonight, because i was processing why i was having these thoughts. and at times i felt like i just want my mind to blow up, into nothingness.... can the call to meditate be addicting? i don't know. but for the past few days, it called to me, and i just followed - at the same time praying and sending energies of love and healing to people i care for and to the people of the world.

anyway, at this time, i must go to sleep, even if i don't really feel sleepy at all. vacation time has ended once again, and tomorrow is another day of work. not that i totally hate it, nor do i totally love it. anyway, will try to sleep.

Today, i spent the late afternoon up until the evening at my sister's house. :) We were suppose to have a movie marathon, but ended up watching just one movie. Haha :) but anyway, we had dinner at their place. Before going down to eat, i had to leave Harrod with my bro-in-law. As i was about to move towards the door, Harrod cried out, as if asking me not to leave. He was really about to cry. I find it really sweet. :) Of course, I reassured him that i'll be coming back and Harrod kept quiet. :) It happened twice tonight - the other time being when i left him with my sister so that i can rest my arms for a while. :) haha :) even in small ways, it is nice to be needed by somebody. :) well, for now. :) but i guess i must remind myself not to get hooked to being needed by others, because in time he will not need me the same way. I'll be there when he needs me. I'll let him be when he doesn't need me; I'll enjoy being me and enjoy my own time when that happens. :) i do pray for that. :) it doesn't always mean that if you're not needed, that you're useless to that person anymore, that that person doesn't care for you anymore. Rather, it's time for both of you to spend time by yourselves, the way you choose to make the most of that time of your life while apart from each other. :) There's a time to grow together, and a time to grow on one's own. :) I am just realizing this. :) because i still find myself feeling this way, even up to just very recently. ;)

sounds idealistic, but i hope we will all be able to equally live comfortable lives.... Wars, greed, poverty, illness, hunger.... i hope we can all make a difference in each others' lives, in small or even big ways, ending the suffering...

But we must also be reminded that we all view things, the world and our own lives differently.

in the end, all these depends on how we choose to see or view things - our lives, our selves, our world, our experiences, our present. the perspective really matters. and if we take it and learn from it, each experience is a very important moment in our life - it doesn't go to waste because it is meaningful, we are learning something, finding something of value, discovering truths, accepting truths and realities, and/or we even live it fully as is. :)

My mom and my brother are on a trip in China. So it's just me and my dad at home. I have just been watching tv, sort of, and just surfing around in the virtual world we call the internet. As i stood up from the bed, my present position in life flashed into my mind.

"I am working in a non-profit organization, as i wanted. I am doing my best to help save the environment by not using the air conditioning unit, but use the electric fan instead as well as other stuff. I am driving myself around now. I don't have to worry about food and lodging. I have what i need. I am also getting to read a lot, download and watch movies, and watch tv whenever i want to. I don't really have to worry much at all about work once i am home. Even if it is hard to get out once in a while, i actually don't really have to worry about anything. My life is simply what it is right now.

Am I where I am supposed to be?

the past few years and what has just transpired from then and now seem to point that out to me. With all those experiences, deep in my heart, i know that i am where i am supposed to be. I have been learning from this experiences. and even up to know, drawing realizations and still drawing strength and courage from these experiences. Even my dreams have been pointing that out to me. Places that i dream of flash before me when it suddenly comes into view a few days, a few months, or sometimes a few years after.... I am sort of in a neutral and balanced plane right now. Emotion-wise, it is the same as well. Even if sometimes politics here and there mar my view of the world, i am still surrounded by loving people. When changes happen, i am surrounded by a loving environment. Wherever I go, I am taken cared of by people i care for, and i do my best to take care of them as well because i do care for them as well. So i wonder if it is time to move on or time to stay some more while i gather more strength, more courage, and more inner peace and stability. Will the opportunity show itself, when the time to move on has finally arrived? Deep inside, i try to feel for it, and pray that i be mindful. i also pray that i continue to learn and to continue to take things as they are, to make the most of these current experiences in the present, and to continue to open and broaden my heart, mind, body and soul to different emotions, views, experiences and realities. To learn more, to grow more, to evolve... to be more of my Self, for my Self and later on for others as well."

Deep in my heart, i still want to make a difference in the world. I want to help make a difference. I want to make things better for all of us. As to how, i still don't know. I want to share the goodness there is. Of course, as to the realities of life, i hope that we can learn to look at it from different angles but still be able to find some angles of similarities to connect to each other. As i used to say, "May our similarities bond us together, and may our differences strengthen this bond." Or it could be the other way around, "May our differences bond us together, and let our similarities strengthen this bond." I think the latter one is the right one. But the former can also be another way to come from.

We look and search for inner peace, but sometimes, it finds us on its own. When we least expect it, when we are not resisting it. I hope that this happens not because we grew tired of the world, but rather because we have achieved a new understanding that helps open our hearts, our eyes, our minds, our bodies and our souls to what is always there and has always been there.

There is nothing more that we need, because WE are more than what we need and much more.

When i was younger, i heard that there was a reading telling that of my fortune/future. The person said that i'll get married at the age of 24. As a child, i could see myself married at that age, and i didn't mind at all. You could even say i was proud.

Now, at age 27, at this very moment, i realized that i can't even see the next 50 years of my life. All i can see is a blank. hahaha :) i wonder if i will even get that 50 years more of life, and living each moment fully and courageously. :) But thinking of it, who knows of our future? :) I would love to see and fulfill my dreams in the future. But all i can see clearly was the past, and how everything came so fast. Almost 27 years.... but there is still more. We just don't know how the future will unfold. Oh well. talking about that with my co-worker, we just laughed. :) and i guess that's the best way to deal with it - to just laugh, be happy and just let it be, free to unfold in its own way, in its own time, at the right time. :) for now, the present's what we have to make the most of. and I am glad to be happy, content and at peace most of the time. Still dreaming, wishing, praying of a future lived fully. :)

Lying on the bed in a dark room, in front of the computer, I realized how i feel at peace now. I used to not feel this way. I would always be filled with paranoid thoughts, even right before i go to sleep and as soon as i wake up. I yearned to sleep to get away from it, and i yearned to stay asleep to stay away from it. Yet each day, i would wake, and it would all through me. Everyday, i did end up smiling, i did end up opening up. I did make a friend. I also lost that very same friend. The value of the friendship is priceless, yet the lesson i learned and gained from this experience is also very priceless: i learned to let go, i learned to move on, i learned to forgive myself, i learned to still see the goodness with the bad, i learned to be there for myself, and i learned to be at peace with my self.

there is not one day that i do not regret the loss of that friendship. Yet the lessons gained are those that i also treasure very much. It has made me stronger - the experience, the person, the friendship - both during its life and its death. During the life of that friendship, i was given a place to feel safe and comfortable, away from my paranoia. It offered support, love and care. It offered a smile and place to belong to. I was heard. I mattered, how silly i may be, even to just ONE person. In its death, it gave me new life. it breathed in a fresh breeze of air, new perspectives, new modes of feeling and thinking, and even reacting, as i opened up more to myself. In its death, i begin to live in a new way. It is not really a rebirth, but rather, as one close friend called it, an evolution. I live day by day, still hoping to find answers to all my questions one day. Yet i also live day by day, moment by moment, finally learning to be alive, to be aware, to be mindful, and to be there with myself no matter whatever comes my way. It has helped me get out of that shell, of that world, of that illusion that i kept myself in. I evolved and continue to evolve into who i am feeling myself right now to be with. In our evolution, the past, present and future are linked as one. Inseparable. The past leads to the present, and the present leads to the future. Both looking back and looking forward, there is nothing we can do about them. Looking into the present, it is affected by the past so that we can do more for the future. It will never be easy. Although it is really not that hard, if we learn to just view it in all its simplicity - the way it is, the way it just is. Even the complications are simplicities - all bundled together, intertwined around each other.

This is our life. However we choose to live it, only we ourselves can do - how we see, how we feel, how we react, how we think, how we perceive, how we believe, how we let go, how we hold on, how we make contact, how we touch, how we reach out. Every little how, every little thing do, is part of that inner voice, that inner self. Our inner self wants to live, whether on this physical plane or in another dimension. We all yearn to live and be alive, living fully. We all yearn to be more - not just in material and tangible matters, but most importantly, to be more of Our Selves. More is not always more of and from others, but most of the time, it is more of and from Our Selves.

Ever watched?
Observed?
As a smiled slowly curled on your face,
And your mind clears up, present to whatever there is that day.

Ever breathed?
Sighed?
Hoping that it would never end,
Or that it would never happen.

Ever hoped?
prayed?
That it would not hurt like hell,
Wondering when it will get well or if it must ever get well.

Have you ever closed your eyes?
Hoping not to wake up ever.
Were you ever afraid of falling asleep?
Fearful that this we cannot keep?

Have you ever just sat quietly?
Watching life go by?
Have you ever paused for a while?
Praying for our dear Inner Child.

Here we are,
stopping while wading on the Life Stream.
To go with the flow, or stand still.
To fall away fighting the current,
or to let the waves swallow us away.

This comic strip was sent to me by Drew. :) Thanks, Drew. :) It sometimes reminds me of... Me, actually. :) hahahaha :))

Drew, do you remember this picture? :) I don't know why it is in my Yahoo Briefcase account. :) I have no recollection and i don't even remember why i placed it there. :) heheh :) But it is definitely from our college days. :) Yahoo Briefcase announced that they will be removing the Briefcase service. I know that i didn't use it as much during college, except for "thesis" and a "projman" project. (oh, i guess for OJT as well) Anyway, i took some time to check what was in there before i completely resolve to forget about it and leave it forever. What i found in the "briefcase" were pictures from tagaytay, from a get-together with highschool batchmates, this very picture, and some other files that i think i uploaded from OJT work that i studied and made an "unsuccessful yet working" program for. :) I deleted all those stuff except for the pictures, which i am content to save in this very laptop.

and yes, i am posting that picture of you and Ad, taken at the lobby of our Planet Goks in DLSU, sometime during our college past. :)

"As i watch you, i realize more and more how good you articulate yourself. You express yourself as how you feel. You can find the words that hit and fit perfectly what you want to say, what you really mean to say. It doesn't just reflect your intelligence, but it also reflects how much you are aware of Yourself.

It is a gift - this that you have shared to me.

You are a gift. And I will always remind you of that.

You are you. and no matter what they say, You are who I love. Yes, I look up to you, because you are true to yourself. Yes, the things that you are into may seem out of this world, but you are not afraid to go and take that journey that seems illogical and irrational for most. The experiences of a life lived as one wishes - it is filled with beauty, passion, a myriad of emotions, our humanity and our highest being, but most importantly, of Life. It is alive. It becomes alive. and it continues to lives on.

As you go on and shed the layers that seem to hide Our Light and the Light of the Universe, i am yet just at the beginning of my own internal journey. Yet I will learn, slowly, not to let the fear overwhelm me, and to learn to accept it with courage at every step forward. Your love and support, and even your distance from me, serve as guidance. A guide will not always lead the way, for one day, i shall be my own Guide, and learn to walk another road that I have so decided to take. And one day, as Guides of our own Life, we shall meet again, to learn from each other, to encourage and strengthen each other, and to relish as well as cherish each other's presence and company. We Are Together in Growth. Afar, but never apart.

Be Well. Safe Journeys."

Wow, i have just downloaded and installed Safari 4, and boy, does it load pages fast. Really fast! :) Safari does as it advertised. :) Cool! :) Yes, at this very moment, i am using Safari to write this blog. It also loads pictures fast. Usually, it would take more than 10 seconds (okay, 5 seconds!) to display most pics in facebook using other browsers (and sometimes, the pictures just wouldn't load and hangs/freezes as is), but with Safari, it is almost instantaneous! :) I am pretty sure that there are still a lot more to improve on for Safari's Window browser design, but still, it is definitely one useful browser. :) yes, i am a loyal Apple product user and fan. :) I own an iPod, and yes, i have used Mac products. Yes, i dream of buying a Macbook and an iPhone for myself (*dream is the word, and i hope my dreams come true in reality. May the universe grant my dreams.*) :) Yes, i buy almost only Apple accessories for my Apple products, and i just love almost anything Apple/Mac - of course not to the point of insane obsessiveness, but rather, it is a brand that i trust. :) I do take into account when buying new gadgets if it will be compatible with Mac and/or Apple devices. :)

Now, Safari reigns supreme in the short list of web browsers that i enjoy to use, followed by Mozilla Firefox. Sadly, for me, Internet Explorer sucks (but i still need to use it at work - since the system works well with it). But if i get to choose, it's either Safari or firefox. :) Nothing more. This two will suffice. :)

C'mon. Try it! :) http://www.apple.com/safari

"A part of me feels happy,
proud of myself even.
Yet a part also feels tired,
wanting to sleep more than one is required."

~o~o~o~o~

Writing will flow once i start to let go of my mind, to let go of the egoistic heart, and reach deeper into the soul. into something seemingly non-existent, definitely intangible, yet nothing but of true value and worth.

It has so much been a yearning to write. but my mind would always think of what others would think and i would write that out, instead of what i really want to express. When i start to write because it just flows from deep within me, that is what will be of importance, filled of my emotions and intentions, filled with my own. I have know such instances, as i have written like so before. Yet, i have to once again rediscover it. and if not, learn to strip away all the pretensions that are acting as my obstructions, and be able to just be. No tugging, no pressure. No fear, no rejection. Nothing good nor bad, but just AM. To touch the center, the core - My Center and My Core - My Being. Be free of the notion of time and space, and retain that of only Being, present in awareness, presence and awareness. Be.

I yearn to be. I long to be. For I to be...
Why do i run after thee?
When they say that you are already inside of me...
They ask me the same question,
and so do I.

I smiled at the moon,
and winked at the sun.
Gazing at the vast expanse
Of time and space.

I wish i can speak
the language of the stars.
Bright up there in the night sky,
As i look up and feel their presence.

Is this how the Universe is like,
With neither End nor Beginning?
Calm and One.
No fear, but Be.

"My heart weeps in silence... Longing and yearning still for what yet is to come... Let my heart's and soul's eyes open and offer thyselves to the present."

A while ago, my conversation with my co-worker came upon the topic of ghosts or spirits. Ah, i remember. It started when we were discussing about a certain aunt who gave us packs of Thai 3-in-1 instant coffee that we really like drinking. This same aunt also gives us champaca flowers since one of the aunties that i work with really like it so much. Anyway, my co-worker asked this aunt if she can ask for like a root or something so that she can grow her own at home. I guess the aunt will be giving her one, as she has cautioned her to grow this plant on a pot instead of letting it grow into a big tree. The reason: If this type of plant grows into a big tree, spirits start to house or live in that tree. (We actually have such a tree at home. It has grown so big that the roots have already broken out of the stone enclosing that it was placed inside of in the garden in front of the actual house structure.)

Talking about ghosts and spirits, it led to the telling of ghost stories. Of course, i told of ghost stories i have heard, as well as those told my friends and family. And they shared theirs as well: a ghost opening the shower in the toilet in their old house to quiet down a set of carpenters and painters that smoked and sang - these group never came back to the construction site ever again, a friend who stayed late at work and found oneself beside a headless body(this bit scared me enough, especially when a picture of it in my imagination showed itself so clearly. i shuddered in a weird way and it made them laugh.), a picture they have taken at their old home wherein they saw just a head in their picture (of which my co-worker quickly tore into pieces as soon as she saw that face), of a room in their old house that was always cold.

So many stories, so many experiences. For me, i am just glad that i don't see them, even if i feel them around. it's better than being scared to the bones and ending up stunned and motionless. you know what i mean. even if i want to learn and understand our universe more and in a deeper and more meaningful manner, there are just some things that i guess i just have to let be. the curiosity about life and the vast universe (wondering if there are ever answers to these uncountable and numerous questions) will remain, and so will the passion, interest and unquenched desire in living my (and our) life to the fullest.

The past week, has been something so opposite.... Last week, i can definitely that i was really happy; even when i was feeling down, i found it easy to just smile and joke around. of course, it changed. i found myself sad and looking for some solace. and at some point, the week started to change into something so dark.... Part of it has to do with me. i just can't take that negative picture off my mind, of what happened. It was a fight, and i am still yet reminded so much of it whenever i wake up in the morning, when i pass that very street, when i am reminded of that day.... I set up a shield - i chose to. and i chose to stay quiet and cold. i am very much protective, as well as adamant to have my want allowed when i really find it truly silly to think of it as unsafe in any form.

i am also saddened as to the sudden quietness of a beloved friend, moving away - distant as i feel it. i have informed her that i wouldn't disturb her for the next few days after sending her a message (which she didn't reply to, like all others. she does that at times.). i am getting unnerved of it again, but i told myself that i'll keep my word. i also reminded myself that i wouldn't let myself down anymore, even in this - even if i really value and care for her a lot. it is her decision, though my mind is whirring by and releasing all these sorts of ideas and thinking that i'll be left alone again, now by her, that it has finally taken a toll on her. it has been always like this, her moving away. this is a tell-tale sign of a circular repetition/pattern. of course,i hope that as before it is her usual moving away. i don't want to overact and overreact too much with regard to it, especially since i am aware of how i am feeling right now, and how i am apt to act in situations like this. i usually send in a lot of emails, text messages, calls and IMs. but i have been doing myself to limit those and to stop those for the meantime. if i don't, i am very much prone to do something else that i am pretty sure to regret in the near future. this used to happen before - my fear pushing to great lengths to try to salvage and save the relationship, doing all i can and trying to fix all that i can to make it all perfect again (to keep on fixing what i think are imperfections), only to end up making things much worse than before, resulting to a relationship that was so abruptly and suddenly stopped (when all it needed was time and space to neutralize the situation for a while, and for me to find my balance as well, actually). i'll be fine and get on without her, but i would like to still love to have her around whenever possible.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. i have been aware and mindful so far, and haven't reacted so much than i used to. I have learnt, and am still learning. There is fear, but there is nothing to be afraid of so much anymore. There is sadness, there is wanting. Yet there is all happiness, joy, respect, and love. And yes, experiences. It reminds me now to just live my life moment by moment, and not let the sadness cast a shadow on my perception and mind's eye - not to make me see all dark and not enjoy the moment, squandering away precious living moments worrying, remaining angry and too attached over something one can't even control. i don't want to be wrapped up once again inside my cloud of gloom. It is so different now once you have started seeing things differently. Of course, it won't stop you from falling back to old ways, yet it won't also stop you from going towards new frontiers in all else, especially your own growth.

Anyway, i'll stop talking about this for now. and i better get some sleep once again. been spending too much time and energy getting caught up again with this feeling as it is coming up again.

"we are the children of the human race, born to bear the sacrifices, its problems, its stupidity, its ignorance, its mistakes and its anger and hatred from eons and eons ago. yet with it, let us hope that we continue to have the warmth of love and the fire of hope burn deep in our hearts and souls, and may we continue to live on our lives blazing with the simple glory of just being alive, and let not all the troubles snuff out what is remaining of our humanity."

My heart bleeds out...
Yearning for life to be lived.

My soul reaches out to the sky,
still hoping for the chance to finally fly.