I Miss You...

In a quaint way,
memories of our times together
flowed through my mind,
even the sensations feels real at the moment.

They are all real,
yet it feels like a reverie.
For at this very moment,
i want to hold you in my arms.

In our daily life,
i remember you even in little moments.
I don't say it out loud,
yet even the littlest smile hopes to reach you.

To hold your hand.
To talk with you.
Just staying by your side.
As long as i spend time with you.

I close my eyes.
I breathe deeply.
One day soon.
We will see each other again.

Even the longing will subside.
Because one day soon,
I will hold your hands and be beside you.
And we will be happy being able to be together once again.

Time and Days will flow again,
Beautifully and bitter-sweet.
Moments that will be created and remembered,
Enriching our life,
Moment by moment,
Breath by breath.

I miss you, My Love.

Struggling Existence

I struggle with my self....
with my very existence.
Am i not doing enough?
Is it alright to be content and comfortable?

My chest tightens.
Moments of beauty together with Thoughts of fear.
Am I enjoying myself too much?
Without thinking of what's to come tomorrow?

Blessed with a comfortable life.
Nothing more to worry about.
Except life itself -
how will i live it?
how will i survive on my own?

Trying to live as my heart wishes,
Yearning for more of my dreams to come true.
Yet am i really doing so?
Unable to speak up,
afraid to stand up for most of things.

Always searching for answers.
Yet i've known them all along.
Hoping to hear and see perfect answers.
But i am just disillusioning myself this way.

I won't deny - hope is there, and dreams do come true.
sometimes as i wished it to be, others not as we had expected it to be.
We all know that it all depends on these:
When will i decide to bring it and my heart into action?
When will i not be afraid to live, and be me?

Pondering on freedom

Before, i used to yearn for "Freedom" a lot. Freedom to do what i want, Freedom to go out without being questioned too much.  It's true - i did think of life in its simplest term, without wondering about the other stuff connected to "freedom" and the term "independence".


Even now that i am working, i still have this idealistic view of the world.  Should i want to do something, it is possible.  Well, it is possible, but it is not the fast forward kind of end result that we see like in the movies.  Movies are too fast forward, limited by the one-hour to two-hour time limit.  But our life can span years, and results of work and effort actually take time.  Time has been going much quickly lately, yet each moment, second,minute,hour and day has to pass, until months and years complete themselves.  Just like now, it's hard to believe, but yes, I am 30 years old.  Time flew by.  So imagine, there are certain life-changing events and decisions that won't just get completed in just a day. Most would take months or even years.  Some take most of a lifetime to prepare for.  Plus, we have to take into account the realistic side of life - finances and logistics(lodging, food, etc...).  Now, life ain't as easy as we once they were.  Life won't stay the same, change will surely come. They come slowly, or they come in one big leap.  However much we want everything to stay the same, well, something will change.  Some are easier to adjust and adapt to. Others are so big that it takes you by surprise, jolting you with confusion until you are able to make sense of it and slowly make your way through.


So i ask myself, "what is freedom?"  I believe that despite the general definition of freedom being "doing things without restraint", every single person may have a different interpretation and take on it.  There are certain freedoms that we have that others would like to have, and vice versa.  There is financial freedom, physical freedom, emotional freedom....


I will use myself as an example.  I work for a non-profit organization.  I have to admit that had it not been for my parents supporting me, i wouldn't be able to last long and fend for myself with the salary one gets from a non-profit org.  Even if i want to go out and leave on my own, there is too much to consider, and after deducting rent, electricity, water, i might not have enough for food and transportation anymore.  There goes financial freedom.  Based on this, i definitely have to look for a better paying job.  But having not practiced my degree in IT (i really don't want to do programming because the program/code from these projects tend to run over and over again in my mind. i can't sleep properly, and if i don't sleep properly, well, expect me being lethargic the next day), I fear that i won't be able to find a good job.  I don't have financial security at all, to some degree.


Another point in my life is with regard to going out on my free time.  Not to sound ungrateful to my parents, but going out is actually somewhat hard for me to do.  I guess it depends on the activity.  If it is something to do with family, even if it is last minute or on the spot, they allow me to go out with no problem at all.  But when it is an activity that's somewhat foreign sounding to them, or if it relates to people that they don't quite like, despite these people being good friends of mine who are really kind despite being different, well, expect things to get a little harder and hammered with so many questions.  It's usually because of the latter that i have a hard time telling them that i am going out to do this and that, or to go out with this and that.  I feel constricted this way.  And usually, my mom will really make me feel that she is unhappy about it.  i don't want her to always get worked up like that.  I also get worked up too, before and after letting them know of my plans.  Even if i don't have any physical chains that lock me inside the house, there are invisible ones that hold on to my heart and mind.  I stay home begrudgingly at times because i don't want to make trouble.  I thread carefully so that i will not cause a ripple of unhappiness. But it is so tiring.  I complain, but i can't even fight for myself.  There is respect and there is fear for my mom.  Usually, it is fear that permeates from me.  I fear that what i say and do next may jeopardize my future chances.  so you see, i am not chained from the outside, but i am chained within.


To others, this isn't an issue.  To others, this has been unheard of.  Again, "what is freedom?"  Each one of us will definitely have a different answer with regard to ourselves.  Some others can say it easily that i just need more freedom.  Some others will understand why i am still here.  But in the end, there will be a choice i have to make.  I have to get ready for whatever may follow once the decision is made.


Of course, i yearn to break free of these bonds.  Though at the start, it may seem that my parents have inflicted this on me, but upon longer reflection, it is actually myself that placed these limits on myself.  If i am afraid to move forward, then i'll definitely won't be able to move forward even a step at all.  In my mind, i can't break free of what i think they'll think of me.  If it remains that way, always wanting them approve everything, well, i'll always be in the same place.  If i don't speak, they won't understand. If i do speak up, how will they take it?  Again, am I ready for a big change should things get explosive?    I pray that things may go peacefully well.  My mind is filled with fears, even up to the minutest details.  I've always been that way.  I want to be needed, i want to be useful.  It's because of this fear that i am able to prepare for the worst. But it is also this very same fear that prevents me from getting out of my own rut and holds me back.  Funny, i don't want to let go of Fear?  even if it is keeping me back from what i aspire and love, and from the people that i care for?  How ironic. Yes, it's a big question in life - how i can treat myself this way.


I do wonder from time to time, after the strong urge to break free softens, if being where i am right now is so bad.  there is also a sense of freedom that can be found in contentment.  When things are going well, everything peaceful, i think this way.  Yet when things start to heat up again, well, you guessed it, i want to get away as soon as i can. THat is, until reality hits me in the head, and i am reminded of my currently personal financial situation. Yes, reality strikes back to wake you up.


I've never been one to rush. I make more mistakes and bad choices that way.  For now, i'll stick to doing things one at a time. First, to make my diet a success, and to keep myself healthy and in that ideal weight for thereon forth.  When i can take care of myself in that area, i'll go for what's next up my list: my self-sufficiency.  If i become self-sufficient, there's nothing else to be afraid of anymore.  because if i can achieve those two, that means i can do it and other things that i want to achieve in my life. And that would mean i can stand on my own feet, take care of myself and take care of others.


One at a time.  Yes.  And through it all, never forget to smile and to laugh.  Slowly but surely, i'll get there, piece by piece. If i can't enjoy the small things, how am i going to be able to cherish the bigger things that come my way?  Plus, it is easier to move on forward with a lighter heart that has learned from past burdens. It's not cliche when they say that the small things make up the big things. Our Life is made up of every moment, how minute they might be.  


When little things in life are able to make you smile, it is already a big thing. :)  

From Sayonara Piano Sonata(online manga):

"We throw things out because we don't want to see them.

Things. People. Relationships.

Anything. And Everything.

If we don't throw it out, we can't run away from it, and we can't go on living.

If we don't throw it out, the weight will keep us from moving forward. Even if we realize later that it was important to us.

So we throw out the things that we don't need. And over time, the things that we really did need that we threw out start piling up, and create this Mountain which became the end of the world. That is why i have to get it back.

Destroying it only takes a moment. However, you do not know if your destruction of it will create the perfection you desire. But though you love it, it must be destroyed.

People say goodbye. People get divorced. People run away from their instruments.

If you don't discard these painful things, nothing can be perfect.

Now I understand that this is the way the world works sometimes.

Now I understand just how much i needed it."

Prim and Proper...

the world of dreams and the world of thoughts are sometimes the best places to stay in, have we not have to come back to our bodies.  Anything is possible in the world.  Every inhibition released. Every fear conquered.  We can be who we are, and who we want to be.  We can run free, because we remove all obstructions.  Even if there are obstructions, we are able to get past them.  Such is the power.  But alas, whenever we open our eyes, and realize that we are back in the world of Physical structures, we feel tied down.  Tied down by unseen forces, as intangible as our thoughts.  Our very thoughts can be the very chains that prevents us from moving.  Fear.

I live my life within the lines of prim and proper.  Most of us are brought up that way.  Within our civil society, we act the way we were taught.  If we are out of line, we are rebuked, criticized, and re-taught.  Just to keep us in place.  In line to please everybody else.

I talk to myself thinking,"but this is just to show respect and equality to others".  Is it really that way?  If i am not as society sees fit, but i am not doing anything wrong to hurt anybody, will i not be treated with respect and equality?  we already know the answer to that.

Has our education really been there to improve us, or was it just to keep us within bounds, at a leash?  Conditioning?

If we were to live a simple life, free of the complexities of a prim and proper society, i wonder how it will be like. WIthout all the written and unwritten rules and beliefs.  With knowledge, we can end up creating more opportunities, or more barriers.  Usually, they are usually opportunities that causes barriers to everyone else.

as with every single moment, every single day, I wonder when will it be time that I will choose to be me.  I pray and wish that i can be allowed to be.  But i know that there are so many repercussions to such an action.  Do i really need to go away from here, so that i can be free to be myself?  Am i just deluding and disillusioning myself? Or is it really possible?  Or am i just thinking too much, hoping that my ideal and perfect world can actually come into reality?  I wish to consolidate both together.  I want to make it possible in both worlds, because i exist in both worlds.  Because I exist.  Is there any other reason to be?

I believe at some point in our lives, we did live as we are.  as we gained more, we wore them.  we bragged. we became insecure. to be seen as perfect and "valuable", we decided to live prim and proper so as to be accepted.  to keep a sense of security that we will not be thrown out and set aside towards the outskirts.  It is a universal truth that learning more doesn't mean you're better than others. Knowledge without wisdom is deadly to our Existence and our Universe, to our Being.  Wisdom is hardest to gain, because we have been taught to be afraid, to only stick to what knowledge taught us. So we end up with just one-sided understanding.  What does it really mean to understand oneself and others?  Even understanding can be different because of our differing perceptions.  The only way to break through this, is to truly open and broaden our hearts and minds - towards whatever is unknown to us.  Because when we reach towards the unknown, we come to tap into something vast and new.  the Unknown becomes Known, and we continue on growing.  Our hearts and minds can handle it. We will not lose ourselves.  It is possible.  Our souls are as vast as our Universe and knows no bounds, even if we are physically limited in so many ways.

I do wish we can all live simply, truthfully, honestly.  That we live prim and proper not because we have to please the people around us so that we will be accepted into the status quo and be treated equally. That we live prim and proper because we do so out of our own free will, with true respect for others and for ourselves, regardless of who we are, what are level in society is, what our race, our religion, our educational and financial levels be.   We are nice because we truly are, not because we need to be.

Tears and Blessings

I find myself crying over a lot of things lately. Actually, I noticed this about myself since last year.

I used to cry when i was hurt, sad.  At one point, even if i wanted to cry, i couldn't even shed a tear.  it all got bottled inside me.  the only way i could really go on and let all my tears out was to watch really sad movies, especially those of deep love and death.  the waterworks wouldn't even stop, and i leave my pillows soaked with tears.  I even find it a little awkward crying that much over a movie.  but at least i got to cry them out.  and that means, something inside me can still be reached, that my heard still hasn't hardened that much.

Lately, I've been shedding tears not just for sadness.  I have also cried out of joy, in appreciation of the good things and the blessings that come my way.  it is usually after some new experiences or an ordeal. never the less, i realize that the experience let me learn so much, and i have so much to be thankful for.  gratitude, love, and happiness - all rolled in together - also makes me well up with so much emotion that i cry.  I am glad that i can cry for joy - because it shows me that i am still alive to be able to live through them, experience them, and be thankful about it.  It may also show that i am getting old, and getting soft and mushy inside more and more... Yet, getting old but still being able to enjoy my life - both the good and the bad side by side - even just in the little things, means that my life here on earth has not been wasted.  I can still feel a lot of emotions, and I'm happy that i can still connect with all these emotions instead of just sadness and despair, hate and anger.  That I am not locked inside the grasps of negativity, hate, anger, despair and regret.  Rather, that I am to walk forward with my life even with all these, even if it is not the picture-perfect life that i've envisioned for myself.  That at some point, i am able and will still be able to feel fulfillment, even in just the little things.  i may not have the perfect life, but who does? And even if it is not perfect, i am able to make the most of it, at my own pace, at my own timing.   Broadening my scope, expanding my views - both in heart, mind, soul.  I am still learning, but in doing so, growing more and more with wisdom, calmness and peace.  At the same time, growing to understanding myself and loving myself more and more.  Our shadows will always be with us.  But a new day comes and we are able to start anew again, one step at a time.

Today, it was a simple Easter Sunday spent with family.  We went on a short trip to Laguna.  We had lunch together, and actually spent the rest of the afternoon with my nephew.  Most of the activities are geared toward him enjoying the day - feeding the koi fishes in the pond (to which he showered the fishes with food pellets, emptying the food packs in a jiffy), taking a short boat ride, listening to music, playing on the ipad, having him take a nap while in my arms (this is very much a first) and him staying with me even after that, walking and running together around hand in hand, just talking, eating together, playing together, watching tv together.  I am glad to see that he had enjoyed being in my company, as he said that he and I are friends.  Hearing that from him, realizing that he enjoyed our time and company together, gave me this sweet and content feeling. I always felt that i am not my nephew's favorite person, but today, he welcomed me into his sphere of trust openly - the way only children can do so easily and wholeheartedly. That as we all grow old, his love for us is growing too, and that he knows our love for him will always be there for him.  He knows that we have his back.

I am thankful for today's realizations, because i feel really blessed today for what we have today.  I also gave a quick yet deep-felt prayer of thanks for the blessings of (1) being able to enjoy a beautiful day, (2) being able to appreciate blessings of all shapes and sizes, (3) being able to have family and friends that I love around me, (4) being able to continue to love the people that I love with all my heart, and (5) being alive to realize all these blessings, even after all the darkness that i've walked through.  Without living this life, I doubt that i'll be able to experience all these.  So it is okay to cry, especially if your heart and soul are crying because of all the gifts being given to us.  Crying doesn't always mean you're sad or in pain; Tears and Blessings can also come side by side.

Living Lives

Yes, Lives.

I am living more than one life. Every single day.

When I wake up in the morning, staring at the window before me, blinds folded downwards as it covers the new day from me.  I ask myself, "Another day. Here we go again."  I walk past the bathroom mirror, straight to the toilet. Drugged by sleep, still hanging on to my dream.  Reality strikes again, as pinch by pinch of wakefulness forces my eyes to clear up.  I stand up, and finally look at the mirror. "Yes. You."

I look at my watch, "Darn, I'm running late again."  Grabbing my toothbrush, putting some toothpaste on it, and finally placing it into my mouth as i walk towards the shower.  "Will I make it in time? Oh, just start and take a bath."  While doing so, I flow back into consciousness.  All the unspoken thoughts rush in my head.  I continue in my own personal mental conversation - past, present, future.  I then noticed, "I'm finally done."  I walk out of the shower, and get dressed. Piece by piece, and then i look at myself again, "What? Are we done?"

I slowly open the blinds, letting the light flow in.  It can sunny outside, or gloomy.  It doesn't matter.  I look out, as I button my blouse.  I put on my pants.  "What am I doing?"  I walk back and put my vest.  Yes, complete uniform.  I then sit down on my bed and stare out of the window. I run all my thoughts in my head, talking to myself silently again.  Sometimes it can be so nice and relaxing, as i relive memories.  Sometimes freakish and fanatical, as I make sure of so many things - about myself, about this life.  "I am sure." "Are you really really sure?" "Is it Time?"  I sigh.  Another look at my watch tells me I am now really really late.

I remove the towel from my head, ruffling my hands through my hair to brush it.  I grab my bag and walk out of the room.  Daily routine.  Breakfast. Filling my water bottles.  Then walking out of the house to the car.

Once in the car, my mental conversation continues.  It is as real as what is happening before our eyes.  Real because I expressed my dreams, fears and honest thoughts.  Real because i pray and wish and all else.  As I drive on, controlling the steering wheel with my left hand and switching the gear shift with my right, I give another sigh. "I really want to go where my dreams are.  Why am I still here, doing this?  Why don't I have the courage to do what I want?  Money. Family. What will they think of me?"  I drive on.  I take a different route now.  To lengthen my driving time, giving me more time to "run".  I deserve that much, to make more time for myself to get ready to be back at work.

Timing in, I smile at the guard.  If i don't talk to anybody at home during the mornings, they wouldn't know who i really am.  Because I am only real to myself, to God, and to my Beloved.  Everybody else, they get another part of me.  It is also real, as real as society would allow me to be, with all the stops and controls.  This is my other life.  One of the many variations, maybe.

Life in the office.  Life at home.  Life outside both of these two.  Life with God and the Universe on my own.  Life with my Beloved.

So many lives.

I wish to persist with my existence as with Life with my Beloved.  With my Beloved, Time doesn't seem to move.  But it does.  It creates both a great deal of difference, and at the same time retains so many things unchanged.  You move forward even without changing too much.  You change somewhat and things can move as if left unchanged. It is both a bubble of moving time as well as retained Time.

But when in my other lives, this persistence i always keep in check.

Yet I do hope one day, really really soon, I can collect all these Lives together, and unify them into one.    No need for these and that Life.  Just this one Life.  The Life I choose to be I, and in every moment of that existence, I will not question myself, but question, "Why not?"  And just keep on moving and Living.  That is what I am striving for, plain and simple - truthful Living.

The Heart of My Beloved

Ever since i met you, i have watched you closely, lovingly.  How can I look farther away from you? But in the end, I did so, too. You taught me to. And it started bringing changes into my life.  Meeting you, I've changed year by year.  You taught my heart and soul to expand, to grow, to broaden - much more than I did in the years that preceded.

Each year since I met you, you have been a very important part of me - whether we were near or far from each other.  Despite time and distance from each other, you've kept me close to your heart.  You have always been in my heart too.

My heart began to loosen up, and I learned that I can love more people.  I realize that love can overflow, and you'll never run out of it.  I have began loving more people, opening myself, letting them in.  These slowly made my life take more color.  I may still be guarded, but to those that I've opened up to and learned to trust, I began to slowly feel free.  From my own cage, I have let myself out.  It didn't hurt at all. It actually feels good to be me.

Every moment that we get to spend with each other feels so calm and peaceful.  Just being together and being around you, no matter what we are doing, has always been enough.  As long as I'm with you, everything is just perfectly right.  There's nothing i have to worry about.  Everything is enough, just right.  I feel that I don't have to be anybody else, because just being me have always been enough for you. I always don't want the day to end, because I don't want to separate from you.  I just realized today that if that is so, life wouldn't move on, and I wouldn't be able to make more memories with you if not a day starts anew.  Year after year, I am glad.  So many memories and moments, even the most precious and most personal ones, you have shared with me.  I am so happy to be part of all these.  So many firsts that you have shared with me, I can still remember clearly. The first heartbeats, the first image, the touch of the hand from the womb. I can still feel, hear, see everything - experiencing them all over again.  It's something that can't be replicated.  Something i treasure.  So many more.

To be valued, to be cherished.  To be accepted, and know that you belong no matter what.  You have always made it a point to make the people who matter to you feel that.

Your Heart, my Beloved, is the very reason everybody loves you.

Your love for us, always made us feel special.  Whoever we may be.

How can i not want to make you feel so special, when you really are one special person to me, too?

You have never stopped loving, and we haven't stopped too.

Your love reaches us, and stays with us.

Your Heart, my Beloved, has always been a blessing to all of us around you.

Travel is not just taken for the relaxation of mind and body. 

Rather, it is a opportunity, if taken with great care and deep heart, that helps us to expand ourselves and understand the humanity that we are slowly forgetting : we are part of each other, not enemies. That in understanding and taking time to get to know others - to see and to experience firsthand - we expand our souls to include others in our grand dream instead of excluding each other and retaining the cycle of war in all levels of being.

A Reminder for Life

Outward perfection doesn't always mean wholeness and wellness within.

Outward imperfection doesn't always mean there is lack and disease within.

Nobody is perfect.  Perfection always rest in how we choose to see everything.  For even the most imperfect series of events may well be the perfect experience that we can and may ever have. Even broken pieces can help make something whole, and together with other broken pieces, even create something new and beautiful altogether.

i wish to cry for all those whose voices are not heard, for those whose souls cannot cry another drop because tears have run dry, for those that remained silent because of fear, for those whose broken lives forever sealed them shut from the world, for those whose heart,mind and soul chained in darkness.

In our highly-civilized world, so much discriminate acts of anger, hate, revenge, and inequality we inflict upon one another.  the higher one goes through the social class - those with greatest power and resources to influence change - do nothing.  the downtrodden fight their way back by force, yet swindled of their peace in the end.  a lot of us in the middle choose to stay there.  i am guilty of that as well.


i wish to be one of the voices speaking out... reaching out...  touching hearts, minds and souls...  changing lives....  sharing dreams....  spreading hope....  bringing people together... in peace and towards peace, and towards and into Love - greater than us that we have so much of it that the only way to live more is to give more of Love.

To remove borders and boundaries... to loosen the griphold.

how do we change a world?

i cried.  deeply within myself, i feel a pain, a hurt, a longing.  how do i quell such a deep sadness?

Writing a story is not rushed. A story is captured into the soul and expressed into words.

Life lives by the same principle too - it is lived fully by capturing and making the best and the most out of moments, chances, opportunities and experiences.

when i see people hurting the people that they love, i find myself scared. i have the same capability to hurt others too.

even the people we love the most - they are the ones we usually hurt the deepest.  more so because they are very much a big part of who we are.  yet the effect doesn't end there, we just don't see how it affects a lot more others in a bigger or more interconnected nature.

to fight for those who can't speak for themselves - the powerless, the down-trodden, the hurt, the sick.  yet i also feel so powerless against all those already in power.  why can't they realize that their decisions affect more and more people every moment they make a decision for others?  I've seen this in others; I've seen this in myself.  it would have a been a very peaceful world had we not let greed and pride get the better of us.

the wars being fought left and right nowadays, i wish they would all stop.  reasons are so muddled up already, passed on from generation to generation.  instead of releasing the pain, they propagate and enlarge it and even creating and adding something new.  instead of being able to breath freely, we contract in anger and fear.  always on the defensive, never ever able to be who we are, losing ourselves, fighting with others and with our very selves.

if we would all just take the time to listen to each other and understand each other, we would better understand others and ourselves. this statement has been said many times, but most of the time never done.  in such a world such us ours, billions upon billions, each with a voice.  and imagine the whole universe, possibly inhabited by more and more galaxies. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to be acknowledged.  Everybody wants to be loved and cherished.  the basis of this longing, i realized deep in myself, is Love.  Just that.

Love. Belonging. Being. Creating. Sharing. Receiving. Acknowledging. and back to Love.

i still hold to the ideal that integrity, humility, kindness, wisdom, courage, strength and altruism still lives in all of us, each of us capable of contributing to the greater good in our own ways.

and when i see children, i still pray and hope that their hearts will grow with love, as they live each day and moment as we all do.  Despite all the traumas and painful experiences that they live through, that they still find in themselves Love and their own Voice, Fire and Being.  That they won't live to hurt others back anymore, but rather, set themselves free from the suffering of anger and pain, and live their lives more fully - without delusion and confusion - with clarity, peace and stability.

i still dream this for humanity.

i still dream that i am capable and can do something to help humanity.    

May i courageously rise up, taking each step of my chosen path and calling.

My inner longing grows more and more painful daily.

i usually write differently, but today, i told myself, "i will start writing for myself.  Not for anyone anymore, not for anyone at all, but first and foremost for me."  i've always written my thoughts out, yes, but there has always been a part of me thinking of what other people will think. i end up writing something that wants to please others.  so in the end, i end that piece of writing too happy, too hopeful, too sad, too needy.

i did do some writing last year.  i had a central idea, but it ended up being written left and right. it became a book of sorts. but then, it also contains a lot of my innermost thoughts and silents moments.  we call most of them secrets, but it is, in the end,just a hush-hush way of saying "the real me".  i can barely call it a book, actually. yes, there are chapters -which are just a page or two long.  some don't even reach half a page.  i stopped when i felt that nothing will come out of it, because people won't even see it as a book.  i know that deep inside i want to continue it.  but right now, i am not rushing to finish it right away. i can finish it.  i can transform it from what i thought it be so, to something else that i really want it to be.  i forget that it's okay to change.  i may lose some of what i originally wanted, probably because i can't really reach for them, but then, i might be able to reach closer to something else that i've always really wanted but never gave myself the chance to do so.  i've been wanting to share it with a friend or two.  sent it to one - but never got a word about it.  have another friend in mind, but i dare not reveal it to her - well not now, not yet.

and i even have another book in mind.  about my world - five worlds of mine actually - all in one Present. My Real-Life/Reality/Awake world, My Dream World, My World of Imagination, My World of What I Thought the World is, My World of What I Understood Life and all else to be. Well, getting them written down here is a start. i'll think about how it will go about at another time.  no rush.

at least i am writing once again. it has really been a long, long time, my Friend.

now, off to sync new songs to my ipod, get some work done tomorrow morning, by going to sleep right after i finish looking for my ipod.

We can't deny the inner turmoil in our hearts. We can choose to see it as something else. But it only lengthens the suffering, and we do things that hurt others and ourselves. So in the end, no matter how painful, the truth prevails, and we are once again humbled and remember our humanity. and yet, we will grow gracefully through these moments and experiences when we finally learn to let go and accept the uncontrollable parts of life. And something new is waiting just around the bend.

More Rubik Cube's Wisdom

- Life can break apart and scatter all around(even while in our hands), losing what has been "normal".  but you can put it back from scratch, just the way you want it to be. the past will still be a part of you, but what broke you in the present, can help you build your future, if you do your best to try.
- If you are not even willing to risk a move to try at all, you'll always regret getting stuck, as you try to answer a million what-ifs, and realize you wasted so much precious time waiting in fear. so just relax, don't rush, give it a little time to think(but not too much time), and then take the plunge. you'll always know it, when you take the time to listen to yourself.
- Be flexible. When it doesn't work one way, look around, and try again.  There is vast potential in each of us, in each part of our personhood and our life. Each piece can be moved and utilized, to make way and then firmly take its place - both finitely and infinitely.
- It's okay to be different and not be perfect. We have many colors, personalities, abilities, skills, variations and combinations. Not one of us can be completely the same as any other. We are able to mimic, but there will always be something different.  We are Human - each one still equally unique, not one better than the other.
- Even when everything is not in place, sometimes, it is just perfect just as it is.
- Learn to let go. If you don't put it down, you won't be able to move forward and do something else.
- The perfect and imperfect, the good and bad, goes hand in hand, together.  you make good use of them, learn from them, to get to where you chose to go.
- Life and the Cube are very much alike - it all falls in our hands what we choose to do with it.

To bring a smile despite tears.
To shine a ray of hope despite the darkness and confusion.
To share the warmth and kindness of love.
To touch a single heart,
in our own way,
a moment at a time,
also moves a hundred and thousand more
further down the line.

January 13, 2012

my heart stirs to the melody

of songs that make my heart take flight.

i want to leave this heavy body behind

and soar in the lightness of being.

i want to hide,

run away,

shout out

release all these tension and anger!

with a step forward,

floating from that light force,

as if jumping towards the sky,

with no such effort at all.

spreading my arms, 

as if wings spring forth from my back,

carrying me further and higher,

somewhere endless, infinte, unbounded.

and in that peace,

i fall asleep.

with a smile on my face,

i will live once more.

mini-collection

Hi Ellen. :) when you asked about my blog, i just realized that i have not posted to blogger the mini thoughts that i've written and posted in fb. :) i've been writing something something at home, and i might have copied them there.  but still, i might not have been able to update that a lot too. :) my "writings" are all over the place.  but i hope to compile them all - from the time i started writing up to present.

*ah, the OC bug wants me to find every little one NOW, but that's like going to take a whole lifetime and a whole lot of decluttering - physically, in my environment, and even in the world wide web. :D  it's not impossible, but i guess some are already where they are meant to be - at a friend's memory(ies), in an old notebook i've kept somewhere, in my cellphone SentBox(sent to somebody special), somewhere in the universe,in space and time that i might not able to reach. but their existence still lives, just that i can't find them anymore. :D  okay, letting go. :) will find them when i find them, as long as i don't let them flow back into the stream of keeping them all over and all around. hehehe :D *

here's a mini collection.  :) i listed what i found on fb by date. :)

Dec6,2011
Every corner of the world is the dream of Home. 
When hearts are free and souls soar. 
Even in silence, laughter and happiness roars. 
Every thing just right, perfect as they are. 
All these, when we finally open our heart's doors. 
Be free. Be Thee. Rise. Begin. Be.


Dec6,2011
I love music, i love books, i love writing, i love languages. they make me smile. i know what and who i love. you know why? because they make me smile. Just the way they are, just as they are. :)

Dec3,2011
my body is here. but my heart and soul have been somewhere else. it hurts to be brought back. yearning for the wings.... yearning for flight.... yearning for the expanse.... stepping out, opening and stretching your arms out wide, free to be...

Nov30, 2011
i am thankful for the existence of Love that helps us open up to be the best that we can be. :)

Oct29,2011
I miss my wings.... 
To fly high...
To my heart's content...
Never lost....
always exploring....
Hands outstretched...
Ready for anything....
Free....
Through the Boundless Eternity.
I just fly,
and my heart opens up
as vast as the sky and the universe above,
as deep as the oceans by my feet.

May we remember to fly.
Fly light.
May the wind carry us lost wings,
to wherever we should be headed.

Oct20, 2011

we live our lives thinking we will live forever. we forget that we are just living on borrowed time.

Oct15,2011

There are those whose smile can make the stress just go away.
There are those whose touch can make the heart go okay. 
There are those whose mere presence make it possible to live each day.

Thank you to all those people. ;) 

especially to all the people that i have a hard time expressing myself to. :)
You are all very much appreciated. :)

Oct8,2011

lessons from a rubik's cube:
1. there is a solution for everything.
2. When you can't find an answer, take the time to step back - it is both a risk and an opportunity.
3. In due time, the answer will come to you, not as you first expected, and it will fall into its place perfectly. :)

Sep27,2011

I get easily swayed by my feelings.
What makes me happy,
What makes me sad.
I can feel these deeply when i have them.

I realized that there is nothing wrong with it.
I am glad that i am still deeply connected to my Self.
I am being honest to my Self, to who I am.
I haven't lost myself.

With that,
Tears welled up in my eyes.
I cried. I also smiled.
I can still be me.

Sep18,2011

Every day, every moment, we face a crossroad. We can move forward, go back, turn right, turn left, or just turn to where we want to head to.

Sep11, 2011

I speak to myself:
To My Heart,
To My Soul,
I open my Self.
Let not my physical limits stop me.
Let me break free.
Knowing and Feeling,
With Certainty, amidst Uncertainty,
That I am not alone.
That I am Good.
That I am Enough.
That I am Free to be Alive.

Sep3,2011

the world becomes how we choose to see it. sure, it will never be perfect. but we definitely have a choice on how we will live at the present. and that is the point where possibilities come, because we finally open up, instead of being repressed and bitter. to be finally free, by our own hands.

Sep2,2011

constantly watching and bringing myself back from the world of dreams, reality and the in-between.

Aug19, 2011

We are all striving for our Humanity. May we all find it in due course. May we live our Journey with Peace in our Hearts. I wish you all Peace.

Aug2, 2011

I will not Sleep through my Life anymore.

I will Live my Dreams.

July29,2011

i am so alive in my mind and in my dreams,
That living in the world of Wakefulness
Seems like being encaged in one's own Invisible prison.

Yet, Once I am Awake,
Walking and Living Among everyone else in Reality,
The Mind and My Dreams
can either be Chains that hold me back in,
or Keys towards setting myself free.

July24, 2011

these four walls,
both familiar and foreign.
Watching through various lenses,
Ever changing with Time's passage.

One day, i shall See clearly,
with Mine own Eyes,
Mine own Heart and Mind,
Mine own Soul, Mine own Being.

Mine.

July11,2011

Am thankful for the blessings. It's not just luck or good fortune. Somebody is watching over me and the people that i love every moment. :) Thank you. :)