My inner longing grows more and more painful daily.
i usually write differently, but today, i told myself, "i will start writing for myself. Not for anyone anymore, not for anyone at all, but first and foremost for me." i've always written my thoughts out, yes, but there has always been a part of me thinking of what other people will think. i end up writing something that wants to please others. so in the end, i end that piece of writing too happy, too hopeful, too sad, too needy.
i did do some writing last year. i had a central idea, but it ended up being written left and right. it became a book of sorts. but then, it also contains a lot of my innermost thoughts and silents moments. we call most of them secrets, but it is, in the end,just a hush-hush way of saying "the real me". i can barely call it a book, actually. yes, there are chapters -which are just a page or two long. some don't even reach half a page. i stopped when i felt that nothing will come out of it, because people won't even see it as a book. i know that deep inside i want to continue it. but right now, i am not rushing to finish it right away. i can finish it. i can transform it from what i thought it be so, to something else that i really want it to be. i forget that it's okay to change. i may lose some of what i originally wanted, probably because i can't really reach for them, but then, i might be able to reach closer to something else that i've always really wanted but never gave myself the chance to do so. i've been wanting to share it with a friend or two. sent it to one - but never got a word about it. have another friend in mind, but i dare not reveal it to her - well not now, not yet.
and i even have another book in mind. about my world - five worlds of mine actually - all in one Present. My Real-Life/Reality/Awake world, My Dream World, My World of Imagination, My World of What I Thought the World is, My World of What I Understood Life and all else to be. Well, getting them written down here is a start. i'll think about how it will go about at another time. no rush.
at least i am writing once again. it has really been a long, long time, my Friend.
now, off to sync new songs to my ipod, get some work done tomorrow morning, by going to sleep right after i finish looking for my ipod.