I find myself crying over a lot of things lately. Actually, I noticed this about myself since last year.
I used to cry when i was hurt, sad. At one point, even if i wanted to cry, i couldn't even shed a tear. it all got bottled inside me. the only way i could really go on and let all my tears out was to watch really sad movies, especially those of deep love and death. the waterworks wouldn't even stop, and i leave my pillows soaked with tears. I even find it a little awkward crying that much over a movie. but at least i got to cry them out. and that means, something inside me can still be reached, that my heard still hasn't hardened that much.
Lately, I've been shedding tears not just for sadness. I have also cried out of joy, in appreciation of the good things and the blessings that come my way. it is usually after some new experiences or an ordeal. never the less, i realize that the experience let me learn so much, and i have so much to be thankful for. gratitude, love, and happiness - all rolled in together - also makes me well up with so much emotion that i cry. I am glad that i can cry for joy - because it shows me that i am still alive to be able to live through them, experience them, and be thankful about it. It may also show that i am getting old, and getting soft and mushy inside more and more... Yet, getting old but still being able to enjoy my life - both the good and the bad side by side - even just in the little things, means that my life here on earth has not been wasted. I can still feel a lot of emotions, and I'm happy that i can still connect with all these emotions instead of just sadness and despair, hate and anger. That I am not locked inside the grasps of negativity, hate, anger, despair and regret. Rather, that I am to walk forward with my life even with all these, even if it is not the picture-perfect life that i've envisioned for myself. That at some point, i am able and will still be able to feel fulfillment, even in just the little things. i may not have the perfect life, but who does? And even if it is not perfect, i am able to make the most of it, at my own pace, at my own timing. Broadening my scope, expanding my views - both in heart, mind, soul. I am still learning, but in doing so, growing more and more with wisdom, calmness and peace. At the same time, growing to understanding myself and loving myself more and more. Our shadows will always be with us. But a new day comes and we are able to start anew again, one step at a time.
Today, it was a simple Easter Sunday spent with family. We went on a short trip to Laguna. We had lunch together, and actually spent the rest of the afternoon with my nephew. Most of the activities are geared toward him enjoying the day - feeding the koi fishes in the pond (to which he showered the fishes with food pellets, emptying the food packs in a jiffy), taking a short boat ride, listening to music, playing on the ipad, having him take a nap while in my arms (this is very much a first) and him staying with me even after that, walking and running together around hand in hand, just talking, eating together, playing together, watching tv together. I am glad to see that he had enjoyed being in my company, as he said that he and I are friends. Hearing that from him, realizing that he enjoyed our time and company together, gave me this sweet and content feeling. I always felt that i am not my nephew's favorite person, but today, he welcomed me into his sphere of trust openly - the way only children can do so easily and wholeheartedly. That as we all grow old, his love for us is growing too, and that he knows our love for him will always be there for him. He knows that we have his back.
I am thankful for today's realizations, because i feel really blessed today for what we have today. I also gave a quick yet deep-felt prayer of thanks for the blessings of (1) being able to enjoy a beautiful day, (2) being able to appreciate blessings of all shapes and sizes, (3) being able to have family and friends that I love around me, (4) being able to continue to love the people that I love with all my heart, and (5) being alive to realize all these blessings, even after all the darkness that i've walked through. Without living this life, I doubt that i'll be able to experience all these. So it is okay to cry, especially if your heart and soul are crying because of all the gifts being given to us. Crying doesn't always mean you're sad or in pain; Tears and Blessings can also come side by side.