I wonder, what have been doing all my life? I seem to shift from one place to another, figuratively, yet not really "moving" anywhere. Am still the same. The funny thing is, i want to change for the better, yet i can't even let go of the things that i know i have to let go off, like fear, jealousy and a lot more. You also have to add to the list that i can't even accept who i am. I continuously hide who i am. I say all these things, knowing all these stuff about how i am right now, yet i still haven't done anything right, even just for myself.

I have all these thoughts, all these feelings. I don't want to lose myself, yet am losing something of myself anyway. If it's not sanity, then it's peace of mind, inner peace. I would always have a reason or justification ready, or some thought that i think would explain it. and the list just goes on and on. In the end, are all of these my problems? Can i even get over and change all these in me in this lifetime? Might as well just erase myself from the face of the earth, from the memory of time and space. Yet i guess that wouldn't happen. I guess it can, if i really wished to be invisible and stayed invisible, hiding in obscurity and in anonymity. But then i know that a part of me would definitely still look for that connection to the world, even if just through one person. If i don't find it in me, of course i'll look at it from others. Where else, right? But what do i really see in myself? i see me as somebody always afraid, unwilling to make any changes because it would "turn my world" upside down, even if everything in me is already chaotic and that turning it upside down wouldn't really matter. I wanted to find a path to just follow i guess. i am good at following instructions anyway. But i guess even if i asked for it, i wouldn't be given it at all - i have to find it myself, but letting it come to me. and i am just so damn impatient. I want to change now. If i am to lose myself, might as well now, in the blink of an eye. but yes, be careful what you wish for, be extra careful...

I say that i am not afraid of being alone. Am i sure about that? then why don't i want to be alone? why do i want to be always with you?

i don't really feel that sad, but still sad. It feels colder. I guess when it's already empty, you have nothing else to look at except at yourself. You'll have to focus on yourself.

I just don't know what i should do anymore. I don't know if i am feeling right anymore. I don't know if i am still in my mind anymore. I don't know... all i know is i don't know, even if a part of me wishes to say that it does know. Even if a part of me fights to exist, to keep on saying that i do know, and leads me over and over again into thinking and into suffering all these emotions and fears that leads me nowhere, that drives me mad in anger and jealousy, in doubt, clouding my mind and my heart from the things that i really want to do. I've become the slave of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears. and i give in too easily, especially when fail...

every morning i wake up,
I just want to close my eyes again,
resisting the awareness
of leaving the dream reality.

i can now finally see
the deep empty hole inside of me.
the black hole that we speak of,
the hole that i tried to cover.

I am not falling anymore
Yet it is so empty
I am in the middle of it all
yes, alone.

I want to feel the hurt and pain instead,
To drown and find release.
Feeling lost even with a direction,
Just wanting to run away.

I tell myself,
"why do i have to face it without you..."
I know the answer,
Yet i still can't accept it.

I was blind or rather oblivious back then
A part of me would give some to get that back.
Yet the degree of consciousness and awareness that you've shown and open me to,
that now makes more things seem so real,
that just makes it more imperative to face all these me,
I don't want to let go.

trying to patch the hole in me
Yet all my efforts go in vain.
Losing myself
slipping away

sliding back to where i once was
to go back to how i used to be,
or to change and go forward an unknown path,
should i face this now?

am i just fooling myself?
it's all in my head.
but can i fool my heart?
i guess i can as well.

true in my love?
true to you and me?
true to world?
i don't know.
i don't know where i stand anymore,
or do i?

Pushing,
grasping,
yet still stuck in place.
swirling round and round
and back where i started.

now confused,
now lost.
more knowledge,
more data or information.
could be trash,
could be useful.
i don't know anymore.
nowhere nearer
to where i want and wish to be.

still trying to reach deep inside,
still holding out my arms.
heart shouting out,
with mouth clasped shut.
mind filling up with thoughts,
conscious, aware,
i am drowning in it,
swept by tides and waves of it.
where else can i go?
where and how else can i flow?

hold them in?
repress them?
suppress them?
all three don't work that well.
i'm about to burst!
run away?
they'll still be with me.
where am i to go?!
face them?
and i'll end up doing all of the above.

i said i won't.
i said i will not do it.
yet here i am again.
doing it again.
bam bam bam
bang my head!
bum bum bum
fists hit the wall!
boom boom boom
screams my heart and mind!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

haha :) i suddenly changed my mind about going out... too tired after giving Diane a bath. watched tv instead - Nickelodeon's Avatar(nice cartoon actually, a lot of New Age stuff in there). and i just found it so nice outside, with the strong breeze and the blue sky, oh, and the sunset. :) i went and sat for a while outside, and relaxed myself, until i was bitten by an ant and went in to get a bath. :) haha :)

so much fear in me. i just realized that i am afraid that my feelings are wrong, and that i can't face my feelings. i mean, why the need to remember stuff, to rationalize, to analyze past events, memories, and possible future results? i just wanted to know that my feelings are valid, that they are okay. i want to be sure that i am feeling right and not feeling incorrectly. yet is there really a good and a bad way in feeling stuff? i can't even stand up for myself and for what i feel deep inside. i think about what i feel and only talk about it to people that i know can help me understand it, and at the same time tell me that my feelings are okay, that they are not bad, that they're not wrong, that they're okay, and that they are valid feelings. but most of the time, i just hide all these in me. right now, i think i am trying to analyze/rationalize what i am feeling and thinking....

anyway... :)

Yes, my mind has been doing some walking again today. I just went to the boxing gym this morning... and oh boy, was my mind working out as well. Well, i wasn't able to breathe well. I mean, i ate breakfast - i make sure i do before i go for a "workout". plus, i made sure that it wasn't a heavy one and just so that i'll have enough energy. I arrived there an hour after eating. i actually just took things slowly. well, guess this is just one of those weeks. and anyway, i didn't go for the last three times (1st, wasn't feeling well. 2nd, had to go out with family. 3rd, it was raining this past few days, and it was so cold and comfortable just to stay at home. yeah, you caught me. :) ) i really must wake up early, walk the treadmill and do so ab exercises. i mean, really must.... do it instead of telling myself, "but i want to sleep some more..." and then going back to sleep. hehe :)

will be giving our little dog a bath later, and then, i'll be watching ratatouille(?) later. :) [am too lazy to check for the correct spelling.] i kinda want to go out alone, you see. but for my mom, it's like, "you crazy? nobody watches a movie alone. you're very *******." and then they left already. but what the heck, am still going out. i've been "mean" to myself, always fighting with myself. i'm my own worst critic. haha :) always have been. :)

last night, watched some parts of the movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on Star Movies. i want to write. :) just write. :) and go into all those realms that we can't reach in our waking life. :) i wonder if i'll be able to write something like that. :) i dream. :) yes, it's my dream. :) no problem dreaming, as long as you don't get attached to it and feel disappointed and lost when you don't get to reach it at all. i am so impatient. very impatient, with a twisted idea of the world giving me what i want now, but the thing is, it just doesn't work that way especially if somebody else is involved. free will... we do... i am just afraid to use it most of the time - afraid that i'll make life harder for myself because i didn't do it as my parents would have wanted it, because it wouldn't look good. At times, i could manage to say, "who cares?", and it would feel good. but most of the time, especially at those moments when it would mean a lot to stand by my own, i end up just leaving myself alone and letting what others think and what my fears make me to believe dictate and affect my decisions.

i am pushing again. i just wanna change, now. i said that i want to take things slowly, but the thing is, i want my results now, fast. haha :) i'm a contradiction. :) yet i don't know how to really deal with it. run or face it. :) been "running" all my life. been depending on another or looking out for another more than i should be looking out for myself. i know that i have been running all my life. now, i tell myself, face it. i still end up having the feeling to run again. I'm stuck, again.

crazy... me.... :) but i wish i really am so that i just wouldn't care and just "live". :) my mind.... :) my heart... :) i don't know. :) i want to face myself, yet can't really (and somewhat don't want to) face myself.... it just hurts... it's just hard.... i don't want to suffer, yet i am suffering right now... suffering in a different way... much better off than others, but suffering in my own world....

the world that i see, is the world that has you in it....
the world that i fear, if you leave, would crumble and cease to exist.
a world surrounding you
a world just for you
a world i limit myself too
a world familiar and comfortable
a world the two of us share.
a world that i forgot also existing within this bigger world.
a world where the two of us also exist at other worlds

If i could search from the world up high,
i'd search the world for you from the sky.
As i look up into the starless night,
i pray that you are well, safe, and happy.

Yet there is nothing i can do now
except to gaze up into the sky
hoping my heart's voice reaches you
from a distance, from afar.

You have loved not just one,
but so many,
and i am thankful
to be one of the many.

Truth be told,
you are gift from the universe,
different,
because you are you.

i might not know what i am talking about anymore.
probably i'm sleepy, probably i'm blue
but i just miss you
and that's all i can do.

New experiences in life... how do we remind ourselves of these and of what we learned from these? For me, all i know how is to write about it. I find it hard sharing it with people. some of them think i am going mad. at times, i guess i wish i can just go mad, just like *that*. i was like, "go mad over "this"?"

Good thing that i can smile about it right now. and it is a great thing that i am having a quiet mind right now. for the past few days, i had been riding the tide of extreme and intense emotion. the waves of thoughts that crash through me, made me more confused as i struggle to be free and to get to firm land - a sense of equilibrium - as i try to reach out to anything that i can get a hold on. Even sleep eluded me, coming to me only when i am too worn out to fight anymore.

Imagine feeling every heartbeat as fear rushes through you. Emotion, just like a living hell, spreading the unpleasant burning feeling in your chest, consuming you. You twist and turn from side to side, hoping to find rest, hoping to find release and escape, yet, nothing. All you can do was try to survive it, to live through it, as it devoured you and your soul, pushing you down and down.

Yes, i must be crazy. You know very well that i do want to go crazy.