Ever watched?
Observed?
As a smiled slowly curled on your face,
And your mind clears up, present to whatever there is that day.

Ever breathed?
Sighed?
Hoping that it would never end,
Or that it would never happen.

Ever hoped?
prayed?
That it would not hurt like hell,
Wondering when it will get well or if it must ever get well.

Have you ever closed your eyes?
Hoping not to wake up ever.
Were you ever afraid of falling asleep?
Fearful that this we cannot keep?

Have you ever just sat quietly?
Watching life go by?
Have you ever paused for a while?
Praying for our dear Inner Child.

Here we are,
stopping while wading on the Life Stream.
To go with the flow, or stand still.
To fall away fighting the current,
or to let the waves swallow us away.

This comic strip was sent to me by Drew. :) Thanks, Drew. :) It sometimes reminds me of... Me, actually. :) hahahaha :))

Drew, do you remember this picture? :) I don't know why it is in my Yahoo Briefcase account. :) I have no recollection and i don't even remember why i placed it there. :) heheh :) But it is definitely from our college days. :) Yahoo Briefcase announced that they will be removing the Briefcase service. I know that i didn't use it as much during college, except for "thesis" and a "projman" project. (oh, i guess for OJT as well) Anyway, i took some time to check what was in there before i completely resolve to forget about it and leave it forever. What i found in the "briefcase" were pictures from tagaytay, from a get-together with highschool batchmates, this very picture, and some other files that i think i uploaded from OJT work that i studied and made an "unsuccessful yet working" program for. :) I deleted all those stuff except for the pictures, which i am content to save in this very laptop.

and yes, i am posting that picture of you and Ad, taken at the lobby of our Planet Goks in DLSU, sometime during our college past. :)

"As i watch you, i realize more and more how good you articulate yourself. You express yourself as how you feel. You can find the words that hit and fit perfectly what you want to say, what you really mean to say. It doesn't just reflect your intelligence, but it also reflects how much you are aware of Yourself.

It is a gift - this that you have shared to me.

You are a gift. And I will always remind you of that.

You are you. and no matter what they say, You are who I love. Yes, I look up to you, because you are true to yourself. Yes, the things that you are into may seem out of this world, but you are not afraid to go and take that journey that seems illogical and irrational for most. The experiences of a life lived as one wishes - it is filled with beauty, passion, a myriad of emotions, our humanity and our highest being, but most importantly, of Life. It is alive. It becomes alive. and it continues to lives on.

As you go on and shed the layers that seem to hide Our Light and the Light of the Universe, i am yet just at the beginning of my own internal journey. Yet I will learn, slowly, not to let the fear overwhelm me, and to learn to accept it with courage at every step forward. Your love and support, and even your distance from me, serve as guidance. A guide will not always lead the way, for one day, i shall be my own Guide, and learn to walk another road that I have so decided to take. And one day, as Guides of our own Life, we shall meet again, to learn from each other, to encourage and strengthen each other, and to relish as well as cherish each other's presence and company. We Are Together in Growth. Afar, but never apart.

Be Well. Safe Journeys."

Wow, i have just downloaded and installed Safari 4, and boy, does it load pages fast. Really fast! :) Safari does as it advertised. :) Cool! :) Yes, at this very moment, i am using Safari to write this blog. It also loads pictures fast. Usually, it would take more than 10 seconds (okay, 5 seconds!) to display most pics in facebook using other browsers (and sometimes, the pictures just wouldn't load and hangs/freezes as is), but with Safari, it is almost instantaneous! :) I am pretty sure that there are still a lot more to improve on for Safari's Window browser design, but still, it is definitely one useful browser. :) yes, i am a loyal Apple product user and fan. :) I own an iPod, and yes, i have used Mac products. Yes, i dream of buying a Macbook and an iPhone for myself (*dream is the word, and i hope my dreams come true in reality. May the universe grant my dreams.*) :) Yes, i buy almost only Apple accessories for my Apple products, and i just love almost anything Apple/Mac - of course not to the point of insane obsessiveness, but rather, it is a brand that i trust. :) I do take into account when buying new gadgets if it will be compatible with Mac and/or Apple devices. :)

Now, Safari reigns supreme in the short list of web browsers that i enjoy to use, followed by Mozilla Firefox. Sadly, for me, Internet Explorer sucks (but i still need to use it at work - since the system works well with it). But if i get to choose, it's either Safari or firefox. :) Nothing more. This two will suffice. :)

C'mon. Try it! :) http://www.apple.com/safari

"A part of me feels happy,
proud of myself even.
Yet a part also feels tired,
wanting to sleep more than one is required."

~o~o~o~o~

Writing will flow once i start to let go of my mind, to let go of the egoistic heart, and reach deeper into the soul. into something seemingly non-existent, definitely intangible, yet nothing but of true value and worth.

It has so much been a yearning to write. but my mind would always think of what others would think and i would write that out, instead of what i really want to express. When i start to write because it just flows from deep within me, that is what will be of importance, filled of my emotions and intentions, filled with my own. I have know such instances, as i have written like so before. Yet, i have to once again rediscover it. and if not, learn to strip away all the pretensions that are acting as my obstructions, and be able to just be. No tugging, no pressure. No fear, no rejection. Nothing good nor bad, but just AM. To touch the center, the core - My Center and My Core - My Being. Be free of the notion of time and space, and retain that of only Being, present in awareness, presence and awareness. Be.

I yearn to be. I long to be. For I to be...
Why do i run after thee?
When they say that you are already inside of me...
They ask me the same question,
and so do I.

I smiled at the moon,
and winked at the sun.
Gazing at the vast expanse
Of time and space.

I wish i can speak
the language of the stars.
Bright up there in the night sky,
As i look up and feel their presence.

Is this how the Universe is like,
With neither End nor Beginning?
Calm and One.
No fear, but Be.

"My heart weeps in silence... Longing and yearning still for what yet is to come... Let my heart's and soul's eyes open and offer thyselves to the present."

A while ago, my conversation with my co-worker came upon the topic of ghosts or spirits. Ah, i remember. It started when we were discussing about a certain aunt who gave us packs of Thai 3-in-1 instant coffee that we really like drinking. This same aunt also gives us champaca flowers since one of the aunties that i work with really like it so much. Anyway, my co-worker asked this aunt if she can ask for like a root or something so that she can grow her own at home. I guess the aunt will be giving her one, as she has cautioned her to grow this plant on a pot instead of letting it grow into a big tree. The reason: If this type of plant grows into a big tree, spirits start to house or live in that tree. (We actually have such a tree at home. It has grown so big that the roots have already broken out of the stone enclosing that it was placed inside of in the garden in front of the actual house structure.)

Talking about ghosts and spirits, it led to the telling of ghost stories. Of course, i told of ghost stories i have heard, as well as those told my friends and family. And they shared theirs as well: a ghost opening the shower in the toilet in their old house to quiet down a set of carpenters and painters that smoked and sang - these group never came back to the construction site ever again, a friend who stayed late at work and found oneself beside a headless body(this bit scared me enough, especially when a picture of it in my imagination showed itself so clearly. i shuddered in a weird way and it made them laugh.), a picture they have taken at their old home wherein they saw just a head in their picture (of which my co-worker quickly tore into pieces as soon as she saw that face), of a room in their old house that was always cold.

So many stories, so many experiences. For me, i am just glad that i don't see them, even if i feel them around. it's better than being scared to the bones and ending up stunned and motionless. you know what i mean. even if i want to learn and understand our universe more and in a deeper and more meaningful manner, there are just some things that i guess i just have to let be. the curiosity about life and the vast universe (wondering if there are ever answers to these uncountable and numerous questions) will remain, and so will the passion, interest and unquenched desire in living my (and our) life to the fullest.

The past week, has been something so opposite.... Last week, i can definitely that i was really happy; even when i was feeling down, i found it easy to just smile and joke around. of course, it changed. i found myself sad and looking for some solace. and at some point, the week started to change into something so dark.... Part of it has to do with me. i just can't take that negative picture off my mind, of what happened. It was a fight, and i am still yet reminded so much of it whenever i wake up in the morning, when i pass that very street, when i am reminded of that day.... I set up a shield - i chose to. and i chose to stay quiet and cold. i am very much protective, as well as adamant to have my want allowed when i really find it truly silly to think of it as unsafe in any form.

i am also saddened as to the sudden quietness of a beloved friend, moving away - distant as i feel it. i have informed her that i wouldn't disturb her for the next few days after sending her a message (which she didn't reply to, like all others. she does that at times.). i am getting unnerved of it again, but i told myself that i'll keep my word. i also reminded myself that i wouldn't let myself down anymore, even in this - even if i really value and care for her a lot. it is her decision, though my mind is whirring by and releasing all these sorts of ideas and thinking that i'll be left alone again, now by her, that it has finally taken a toll on her. it has been always like this, her moving away. this is a tell-tale sign of a circular repetition/pattern. of course,i hope that as before it is her usual moving away. i don't want to overact and overreact too much with regard to it, especially since i am aware of how i am feeling right now, and how i am apt to act in situations like this. i usually send in a lot of emails, text messages, calls and IMs. but i have been doing myself to limit those and to stop those for the meantime. if i don't, i am very much prone to do something else that i am pretty sure to regret in the near future. this used to happen before - my fear pushing to great lengths to try to salvage and save the relationship, doing all i can and trying to fix all that i can to make it all perfect again (to keep on fixing what i think are imperfections), only to end up making things much worse than before, resulting to a relationship that was so abruptly and suddenly stopped (when all it needed was time and space to neutralize the situation for a while, and for me to find my balance as well, actually). i'll be fine and get on without her, but i would like to still love to have her around whenever possible.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. i have been aware and mindful so far, and haven't reacted so much than i used to. I have learnt, and am still learning. There is fear, but there is nothing to be afraid of so much anymore. There is sadness, there is wanting. Yet there is all happiness, joy, respect, and love. And yes, experiences. It reminds me now to just live my life moment by moment, and not let the sadness cast a shadow on my perception and mind's eye - not to make me see all dark and not enjoy the moment, squandering away precious living moments worrying, remaining angry and too attached over something one can't even control. i don't want to be wrapped up once again inside my cloud of gloom. It is so different now once you have started seeing things differently. Of course, it won't stop you from falling back to old ways, yet it won't also stop you from going towards new frontiers in all else, especially your own growth.

Anyway, i'll stop talking about this for now. and i better get some sleep once again. been spending too much time and energy getting caught up again with this feeling as it is coming up again.

"we are the children of the human race, born to bear the sacrifices, its problems, its stupidity, its ignorance, its mistakes and its anger and hatred from eons and eons ago. yet with it, let us hope that we continue to have the warmth of love and the fire of hope burn deep in our hearts and souls, and may we continue to live on our lives blazing with the simple glory of just being alive, and let not all the troubles snuff out what is remaining of our humanity."

My heart bleeds out...
Yearning for life to be lived.

My soul reaches out to the sky,
still hoping for the chance to finally fly.

A Letter to My Parents

Actually, this wouldn't really count as one because i'll never ever show this to them. But this is what i would say or probably would like to think to say. There are just so many things that divide us as persons, but even if the hope is so far away, i still hope that one day, we would be able to reconcile and accept these differences.

After our fight yesterday, i have always wondered why i am still here. I question myself what i am to do here. i long to be independent, to be able to fend for my own one day. But it seems that every attempt to do so is cut short by the bud. Good thing the root in me stays alive, hoping, wishing, and praying that one day i will be able to live my life, with or without your approval. Of course, i prefer that it be with your blessings, at least, even if you don't approve of it.

You have raised me well. I believe that. You know why? Even when i was far away in china, before i do anything, i can reply all the lessons that you tried to impart to me. that very much shows that i do listen to what you say, and they do stick with me wherever i go, even if i dislike it so. More or less, i have not put you into any real grave trouble that you should really worry of me falling deep into problems that are hard to get out of. I have to admit that as a person, i am afraid of risks, though at times that wouldn't stop me at all. but rest assured, i do think before i leap. and if i do decide to jump and take that step forward, i have chosen out of my own free will. It may seem to you that people may influence my decisions. It may, but in the end, i have to make that very decision all by myself. There is nobody else that i can blame for that. Whatever changes i went through, i wanted to change. Whatever i am willing to learn more about, i chose to do so. I want to explore more of the world, more than the protective world that you have both tried to keep me inside of. I believe that there is still something out there, much bigger than our own world, much bigger than myself, much bigger than the universe, broader, wider and more infinite than that of what we can imagine.

you dislike in me so much the idealism that i try to go after, the lack of practicality that i exude. as you said, it has been there since i was young. i believe that in a very big aspect, i don't think the same way you both do, and i may never will. Yet don't think that i don't care for both of you at all. I have always been different, and i have always been trying to fight that. I have been trying to fit in in your image of a good daughter, just like all other. But a part of me just wants and yearns to be free. I always wondered if there is something really wrong with me, deadly wrong that i have to cause you both all these trouble of trying to raise of daughter who would just like to learn to be able to live life on her own. i have always showed that "western" side that you don't really detest but don't really like as well. i don't think that being more of a westerner or being more of an asian is the case. It is who and how we decide to live our life.

We all have preconceived ideas of how we want to live our lives, how we want our children and the people we love to live their lives - simple, stable and safe so that we can stay longer together in this finite world of ours. You want me to have a stable future, free of financial worries. I respect that, though i may not show it at all. I would like to explore the world more, to live what it can offer. I want to travel and write. I want to take pictures. I want to help people. I want to learn to take care of myself. I want to learn more of the world, the other people that we are sharing this world with. Possibly, i want more of this life than i think i want - to live it more. It is partly discontent, because i really want to discover more of our own world, more of what is out there and more of what there is within myself as a person and as a being.

you also said that it was hard for people to get along with me. it may be so, that is why i am very choosy of the people that i let into in my life. i don't think it is that hard to get along with me, or else, i wouldn't be getting along with people from work or even the people that we meet along the way, like saleslady, drivers, guards and such. a co-worker even wrote in her christmas note that she thanks me for being approachable; i know that at times i can be detached from other people at work. I look up to other people. Yes, i know that and am very much aware of that. And i have been questioning myself and my existence as well - if i am living my life, making my own decisions, or am i just following another person's example? after such mistrust on myself, i became paranoid, but i learned that all my life, i have been who i am. I just attract the same people that i am like or similar to, or people that i hope to become more of - strong and able to stand on their own, yet still truly good and loving inside despite our different view of the world, despite being seen different by the world, despite our naughty, playful and adventurous take on the world and on life. i am already this way before i even met them. it's just that when i was younger, i had much more fear of the world and had decided to cast them aside, keeping them inside the cabinets of my soul, only to be rediscovered once again at this point in my life. at some point, i still do fear, mainly because of how you both think and see me as, and wouldn't allow me to be: me. Yet after looking into myself, i know that i am who i am, not who i follow to be, but rather, who i chose to be. I changed because i wanted to, please remember that. An influence will remain an influence unless we accept it to be part of our own - that is where we are responsible for ourselves, and not for others. We are responsible for our growth.

My life has been trying to prove to myself that i can do it and live my life. It is defeating to try to prove myself to both of you, which i have been trying all these years, even when you say that i don't need to prove anything to you. but the mere fact that i have to live to how you both see it fit is the same thing as having and needing to prove and show to you that i can live it the way you both want me to live my life. if i live my life the way you want it, according to all your values and preconceptions of ideas and life, you wouldn't have a problem at all. I appreciate how you want a simple and content life. I also want that as well, but i want to do so knowing that i will do my best to live each moment of my life fully, to have explored and tried those that interest me and grow through these life experiences. I don't want to just always be following what other people want, hope, manipulate or order me to do. And i don't want to be just saying and thinking this out, just as i am writing this letter now - I want to finally be able to live it out and not fight myself any longer.

LIVE.

Can Blood Type Determine Your Personality?

I have a rare blood type—AB+, which only 4 percent of the U.S. has—and secretly, I always thought it made me kind of special, even...

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Our bodies are now seen as objects.
Viewed and scrutinized.
Used and Abused.
Glorified.
Mechanized.

It is the same with the physical world.
Trying to control our happiness,
By Controlling Our Lives.
To make the world ours.
To make the illusion and lies come alive,
in this "world" of ours.

Yet however much we try,
grasping and running towards it.
It just eludes us.
Thinking that we have found
the fountain of life,
we are yet again flounding on the side of life.
lost as ever, as mysteries old and new come abound.

Dying, decomposing, rotting....
disappearing....
Once all is lost,
we fall.
Will we continue fumble frantically?
Or shall we learn to fall,
and let all things break away and go?

a friend sent me this link. :) i find it a wonderful source and reason for a smile. :)

this is one of those nights that i find it real hard to fall asleep. i can be on the bed for almost an hour or two, and i am still wide awake. i am tired, mind you, but my mind seem to be still buzzing with activity, even with my eyes closed shut. makes you itch to want to just fall asleep already. but sadly, that itch can't be scratch, whatever else i do.

i wanted to sleep early, so after watching Nanny Diaries, i turned off the tv. not just use the remote to turn it off, but actually standing up and turning off the switch at the extension cord.

anyway, i also left the download of xxxHolic to itself - meaning i left the laptop on. sure, it's not the first time i did this. i was already ready to sleep. (see, am yawning now, but i don't know if i'll be sleepy again by the time i get to the bed.) i was then watching my hands, as i placed the pillow. i guess you could say that i was asking or thinking about stuff in my life - hoping the complexity (or rather the simplicity and uncertainty that it offers but we can't seem to accept) will tire me down to just end up dozing off. i was also imagining about holding the hand of the person i love as i gently fall asleep. of course, it didn't help as well. and do you know that i actually wondered what it would be like if i had won the miami ink contest thing - i would definitely have wanted a tattoo at my back (back then, angel wings were my dream tattoo. now, i don't mind having the Flower of Life in ink - to remind me of the universe i am in). but then, i am afraid that since having keloids on cuts and wounds is a hereditary trait in our family, i wonder if the tattoo will be feasible at all.

see? all those thoughts, and still, it seems like my mind is all stimulated, all revved up and have so much to go. i would love to do some work instead, but then, i am pretty sure i can stay way into the week hours of the morning. this means that if i don't sleep, i'll be dozing off anytime at work or worse - i definitely will end up not waking up to the alarm - hence i'll be uber late for work. i'm already not that happy with my performance at work lately since i am falling behind. a week's worth of work has been piling up on me and i can't keep on apologizing and not being able to release the receipts for the donations just because i can't finish it on time due to my one-week absence. but the thing is, once i am home, i just want to rest. i don't want to bring work with me at home. if i do bring it, i end up not doing it at all. sigh. it's self-defeating, in some way. but i know i have to push myself to do so this week, or else, i'll be in deeper "shit" this coming week, and the succeeding weeks. it does affect me, from time to time. i can push this aside for another day, but doing so means more work piling up. and i admit that i can't handle it being this way any longer. so i need to force myself to do more tomorrow and for this coming week. hopefully, i'll be back on track after this week.

i do wish the download will be done by tomorrow.

anyway, i will try going back to bed again, to see if i can fall asleep this time. i would love to wake somebody up, but i know that i wouldn't want to disturb somebody who is either asleep, busy or just plain don't want to mind me because they have their own "world" to mind.

xxxHolic

I've been following the anime series "xxxHolic" on Animax since it started airing. the topics are pretty much on the supernatural side, but then at the same time, i am pretty sure you can follow some truths in life and of the spiritual world that it shares through the story. although most of the time, you'll feel like saying, "huh?", it is still very fun to watch. I have to admit though that at times i feel spooked out when watching certain episodes. but all in all, when it comes to the storyline/episodes and the content of the series, i believe i like it all. Especially since it tickles my interest in the supernatural, paranormal and the spiritual. deep in my heart, i believe that there is more to the world than the physical aspect that we see. :)

Wordpress' Smiley

I was reading through a blog that i constantly follow and check updates of. I wanted to make a comment, but one must log in to leave a comment. as i was about to leave and go back to the main page, i noticed the smiley face, way at the bottom. :) hehe :) i just want to share it with you guys. :) i hope the image is big enough for you to see. :)

we are voices trying to be heard.
yet remains unseen.
we come and go unannounced.
our hearts reaching out.
yet life moves on,
slowly and surely.
quickly and erratically.
what's left are moments of memories.
or at times, none at all.
from nothing once we came,
to nothing we go back to.
yet again forming and dying.
hello and goodbye.
who am i?