in times of silence,
i find times that i look for sounds,
noise that will help mask away
the chilly and empty sadness.

in times of chaotic noise,
when words hurt and irritate me,
i run away to silence,
to quiet my troubled heart and soul.

and there are times of silence,
to which its quietness i keep,
knowing i want to vanish from this world,
yet holding firmly the string so that i wont fly away.

i close my eyes.
i breathe deeply.
please stop worrying, my dear.
there is no need to cry.

i want to stay still,
unmoved.
yet the world makes sounds,
and there's nothing i can do about that.

Sighing, and turning to face the window.
Looking out to the gray gloomy sky.
Rain flowing like tears of heavy sadness,
Releasing it to a world in need of dire loving.

I hold my heart in my hands.
it beats strongly.
contracting strongly when in fear.
beating openly and freely when happy.
it makes me cry,
when i strangle myself
within the griphold of fear.
grasping for air,
hoping for a way
the break the walls of my chest.
to let my heart and soul fly away,
soar up in the open, free.

burning music into audio cds.....

love..... :)

i've been smiling the whole day....

i didn't notice. :)

and am still smiling now.....

burning music into audio cds....

with love. :)

When you find that at some point you are not that much afraid of your own death at all, how do you feel? I don't quite really know. but right now, i am in no rush to find out what's wrong with me. I am such a worrywart that the worry might get to me first than the actual condition. It is also weird of me to prolong what i could have known for almost a month ago. 2 weeks worried me, that i quickly called the family doctor. Yet when this thing has been going on for two months, and i am just taking my time because i am observing what is happening(or so i say to myself and others), it does seem crazy. I am afraid to go, to actually know. i am afraid of not knowing what it is as well. You can say that i want somebody to offer to go with me. I just want to be with somebody, i guess. But rather, more of knowing that i matter to somebody enough that they are willing to take time for me. I can go to the doctor alone, yet i didn't do so. If i had died not knowing, would i have regretted it? probably. now that i sort of have something that i look forward to. somewhat.

Desire. Contentment. Life Meditations.

A very good friend has posted the following, quoting it from the Tao Te Ching:
"The Tao never does anything, yet through it, all things are done. If powerful men and women could center themselves in it the whole world would be transformed by itself in its natural rhythms.

People would be content with their simple everyday lives in harmony and free of desire. When there is not desire all things are at peace."

She also commented: "How do i truly flow with the No-thing, and yet " leave nothing undone?" Why am i so conditioned that i have to DO SOMETHING... otherwise i'm just lazy & unproductive? I know in my heart the No-thing is the Source of everything. Is it really possible for me to just BE, and still create an effect on the world?"

Actually, this will be the third time i am componsing this entry. The first was too chaotic, while the second was actually really good. Sadly, i didn't post that comment, went to eat, watched a movie, and when i got back, Facebook refreshed itself and so my comment entry is now gone back to Oblivion. I am just laughing it off. Probably i will be able write it much better this last time. I've composed it twice, re-organized my thoughts much better during the second time. I do hope i remember what i wrote. Here it goes.

My take on this is to not react to our Desires and Fears - coming through the forms of grasping/craving/clinging. Through personal experience, it is our reactivity to these that brings us the most suffering and regret. We react so quickly that we are not really even aware at the moment, blinded by jealousy, anger and ignorance, that we just end up making more mistakes and making things worse than it should be. It gets piled one on top of the other as we get swayed into doing the things that we think we are afraid of not doing and regret not correcting, the things that we think we desire for so much and must have fulfilled. It becomes murky, unclear, cloudy - all of these have used to describe that feeling, that mind and heart state. We find that we have lost our Selves, searching for it over and over again. Hoping that one desire after another will answer the question that we ask in Life, hoping that the thrill will make up for the uncertainty of all things. Is it really so? Or is it just a small part of the whole?

In all my dealings and relationships, Desire and Fears have always been a very central part of each one of them. I've reacted continually, and each just resulted to something that i felt i needed something about to "correct" it. I kept on doing something, always feeling the "need" in correcting it, only making it much worse one after the next. It brought me heartache, loss, shame, guilt, doubt, extreme confusion, paranoia, and even paralysis. i really thought i was losing my mind and my sanity. My whole being was filled with so much fear that i couldn't even move. The thought of living this life was almost invisible.... And to think that it was just all in my head.... It affected me that much. One thought after another, they swayed my heart. It made me do, think and say something. I will replay everything in my head. It intensifies the paranoia, as well as the paralysis. I lost trust in myself. I believed i was no good. I struggled so much to break free, but it was like quicksand and sticky molasses. i was stuck. Moving too much aggravated it and made sinking more imminent, the ability to break free unforeseeable. Meditation magnified all these tenfold - it shocked me so much that i stopped meditating for a long while.

Five months before all these started, i was taught meditation by this very friend who has posted the above quote. I cannot say that i was good at it. Who was? But i did my best to practice the best that i could at that time. At first it was even uncomfortable at all - well inside my mind that is. I always end up having aching back and legs, but that was about it. It did started mindfulness training for myself, even if i wasn't even aware of it that time. It was a few years after that that i actually learned about Mindfulness and Awareness. The lesson and experience of Meditation brought back life to this spark of fire in me. I've always resonated strongly to the matters of spirituality, past-lives, reincarnation, and so much more that our physical plane can't really completely understand. Even so, my wonderings kept me reading, looking for answers or a way to understand. The paranoia persisted for almost two years. I took refuge in Love - it kept me intact, protected, in this unstable part of my life. The friend who was always with me and beside me at that time sheltered me within the sphere of her love. But i was still so deeply encroached under the grip of Desire - for i have it all: clinging/grasping/craving. It was so great... I thought i was losing myself. by the end of the second year, my friend and i had a falling out. I admit that it was largely my fault too. But this experience of loss brought me back to myself. it proved to be a life-changing experience in that i started to change my own life by learning to finally help myself - I am the only person who can truly help myself more deeply. i started picking up the pieces of myself. "How can i help the people that i love when i myself am flailing around, waiting to be saved?" I usually wallowed in depression and came out all the more dark and hardened after each dealing and relationship. This time, i started walking my path towards healing.

Five years since that day i learned meditation and three years after my friend and i parted ways, i find myself still in the same predicament. What changed though from the point on? I am growing. I have started nourishing myself. I have become stronger for myself. I continue to Love. I am slowly able to let go and to just let it be. I don't meditate as much as i did when i first started. I actually don't meditate much at all anymore. I do take time to enjoy the silence, for it is rarely quiet in my head, chaotic and rarely in focus. But these past years attested this Truth for me: Meditation is not just practiced through sitting; Meditation is Mindfulness and Awareness Practice in Action, in each moment of our daily life, in everything that we do. Desire and Fear held me in paralysis back then. It still does. But when my Mindfulness and Awareness, cultivated through daily interactions with myself and the world that i have started opening myself to, bringme back to the Present Moment, i find the power to loosen the grip Desire and Fear has on me. I am the Key and the Answer to it all - to my own freedom, to my own growth, to my own Happiness. I have only realised this now, as i am writing this. Nothing is perfect. Good and Bad go hand in hand, and will exist like so. But our Present Mindfulness and Awareness when our Choices are made make the most difference, the most effect. For our whole being and intention are set into it. It bears our mark, "This is what i really want to do." I admit, it is a hard practice. i still stumble through it day in and day out. But i know i have learned from it, and i still do. I believe I have become a better person, and i am still growing and cultivating each day. I still feel down and confused on certain days, elated and up in the air in the next few. I make the step towards the next level. I can make it possible for myself or i can sabotage myself. It is all up to me. What shall i choose? I fail myself at times, but i always stand back up. As long as we don't give up on ourselves. Thank God i haven't given up and did not give up on myself. and thank God that i am surrounded by people who still stand by me and have stood by me.

Love with Your Whole Heart
In the spiritual path, there's nothing to get, and everything to get rid of. Obviously, the first thing to let go of is trying to "get" love, and instead to give it. That's the secret of the spiritual path. One has to give oneself wholeheartedly. Whatever we do half heartedly, brings halfhearted results. How can we give ourselves? By not holding back.
-Ayya Khema, "What Love Is"

There are still a lot of choices to make right ahead. Life is not the grand and perfect story that we thought it to be. It is the accumulation of each little moment that we live day by day, lived fully with Mindfulness and Awareness, and with Active Choice of Live or Drift. These moments usually just pass us by, and us always in Drift mode. Life will never be perfect. The sunshine will always be laced with shadows in certain areas. But there is perfection in this imperfection. For through these and our own imperfections, we learn that we are already perfect in every way. Perfect because we are able to make decisions for ourselves when we have faced ourselves completely. Perfect because we are able to appreciate the good and the bad and make the most of our Life. When we learn to appreciate our Life, we learn to appreciate the good and the bad together. We learn to appreciate that going through all of these experiences is the Perfect Life Plan, everything in its right place at the right moment at the right time to help us for the Ultimate Purpose - growth, cultivation, learning, evolution, Living and Being. There are and will be days that this will be hard to grasp, even for me. I tell you. I am laughing now. but it will knock the wind out of me later on. But i am still standing. It starts with Awareness, set free by Acceptance, leading towards Letting Go and Letting Be. This is a gift in itself. after all, we are very much the cause of our own suffering, and to some degree the suffering of others, too.

Live Lightly
We have to cultivate contentment with what we have. We really don’t need much. When you know this, the mind settles down. Cultivate generosity. Delight in giving. Learn to live lightly. In this way, we can begin to transform what is negative into what is positive. This is how we start to grow up.
-Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, "No Excuses"

In place of Desire comes Contentment. Contentment arises through Love and Gratitude. This is very much a bitter pill to swallow. Ego, Pride and all else will resist this. It's always easier to follow what we have been accustomed to - our Ego. But i find it pretty much worth it to be humbled by the above experiences. Because of Love and Gratitude, we learn to appreciate our Life and our blessings. Not all at once. But it warms our Heart, it revives our Being. We are able to view the same sky in a different Light. the same Nature that has surrounded us all along as a whole new experience. It's a simple pleasure, yet it is refreshing gift to ourselves. I always lived with a heavy chip on my shoulder - everything was dark, gloom. everybody was bad and i had to always be in full defense mode. I doubted a lot. I have soften up a bit, but i still am all those. But now, i know i have a choice. Appreciation brings humility, as well as paying it forward. We pass the Love on, even through just a good thought, a good word, a good deed. It won't be big ripple as we'd expect. Actually, don't expect anything. When we give, give fully without expecting in return. Not only will you feel good, the other person feels good as well. I believe in giving and doing good without counting the karma. Counting and Accounting for each good deed diminishes its value. It's like paying for your own deliverance, so in the end, you were still thinking of yourself and of your goal in saving yourself. Let people make the decision to pay it forward or not. Goodness multiplies, i believe. As long as we don't put a stop to it, as long as we don't build walls around it, around ourselves and from others.

Right now, i find so much more meaning in Master Cheng Yen's reminder from the Sutra of Innumberable Meanings (無量義經)， "One gives birth/starts/produces the Innumerable. The Innumerable begins from One. (一生無量。無量從一生。) " It is also from this reminder that i have found the answer to my dear friend's question, "Is it really possible for me to just BE, and still create an effect on the world?" A forest can start from one seed. as that one seed takes root and grows into a tree, nurtured and strengthen by both Nature's conducive and destructive elements, its fruits contain the seeds that become the trees in the forest. It spreads on and on. Just like seed of goodness in our heart, we have to nurture and cultivate it. In Living our Life this way, we touch other people's hearts with love and warmth, and the seed of goodness takes root in them too. Each of us nurtures and cultivates ourselves, and others around us as well; each person we meet is a Great Teacher, each person a Mirror of Ourselves to help us grow. When we bloom, everybody benefits. That is where the ripple comes in. We are a small drop in the ocean that affects those right around us, which in turn affects those around them. The web of interconnetedness becomes more obvious, more visible. It is no longer the "six degrees of separtion", it has become the "six to the infinite degrees of interconnectedness."

I believe it is time for all of us to take the time to grow. We are the only ones who can make that choice.

i am just staving off sleep, when i know that i should go to bed. the weather, cold for a normal night in Manila. not that it is bad. not that it is good either.

so many things are darting back and forth in my mind. things to remember, things to do. hope and fear pop up now and then. then silence. and then something else. mouth is closed shut, not a word muttered. yet it is so loud in my head, my every thought resounding in this "silence". i could have sworn i have heard my voice, talking out loud. Only thing is, i am thinking out loud inside my head.

i wish to tell a lot of truths... truths that shall seal my fate in some horrible yet also enriching way.... balance, they say.... it's taking the good with the bad, and the bad with the good. you can never have everything good together and the same it is with the bad. you get what you're meant to get - you learn what you need to learn. and for people like me who have still stayed neutral, with no decision, i find no balance, for i want to get all the good, and none of the bad. i fear for how my life will fare with the bad that may come my way. i fear the end of my existence in this world - shut out from my loved ones, perceived differently because of the truth of who i am.

were it easy to tell the truth, i would have done so earlier on. yet for us simple humans, we have made it so complicated. rules upon rules of engaging with one another, that we have muddled up what should have been a straightforward and honest way of connecting and interacting with one another. walls we created around ourselves is not a problem. it's that we never can let them down anymore. so much for the truth now, since we don't really express it anymore. the majority versus the minority - a minority that aims to be true, authentic. Labeled. Shunned out. Outcast. we do that to each other, don't we? we were trained to conform, to respect others. but in respect to ourselves, do we do the same - respect ourselves and conform to our own ways and just be ourselves? Not really. Not much. That is why i so admire people who have walked out of their shells of conformity and stood as their own. Moving forward, striding with Self confidence. the warm fire of Life and Love burning in their hearts and souls. Beings that are not fallen down by anything else negative, and are pushed up farther ahead by all that is positive. Living, Moving, Connecting, Understanding, Embracing and Evolving into One. The Perfect Wholeness, Found from Within our own Imperfections as Humans. Indescribable, but completely understandable nevertheless.

Hold your Heart. Touch it. You know what you are looking for. a big part of it is love and peace from within. May we finally find and take on our paths. i wish us all well in our own journeys, Friend. May you be safe and well always.

to cry from deep within....
releasing all unexpressed thoughts and emotions....

what does it take to connect,
unlock that door,
and release it out
from the dam of self-consciousness
to the vast open ocean
of Life and Reality.

too great that words cannot explain,
too simple yet always unappreciated.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

(as reposted by Red Lebrun and others who came along this like my friend Venice and shared it by posting it on her facebook wall)

-----
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

LIFE'S A MESS.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO GET A JOB. INSTEAD, PLAY.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

BE HATED.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

LOVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

saw this from Ellen's status at gmail. and i agree so much to all that it states.

Living Truly Free

i can't describe the scenery from deep within my soul,
as great painters do.
i can't reach the highest and lowest range of tones,
as great singers do.
Barely at all, with my writing,
am i able to truly express what's been bothering my soul.

Hiding behind all pretenses.
Repressing all truth.
Fear of discovery.
Fear of being found.

I walk emptily into the world,
constantly searching for my path.
Walking each dark and lonely road,
stumped and questioning myself and the Universe still.

Along these paths,
i met countless different people.
I am truly grateful,
For they made my journey worthwhile.

Yet a voice within my soul
remains unheard.
A Love still unrequited...
A Being Caged in its open home - Myself.

My Heart remains close...
Hoping to break free yet hiding within.
My Soul Caged in my Physical Body
Staring at the sky hoping to soar free.

A Love in my Heart,
So Great and So Selfish,
It breaks my Being,
Shattering all over...
Over and over again...

Craving for attention
Craving for truth
Craving for discovery
Craving to be set free...

Even my love is unrequited.
A never-ending cycle.
repressed, unanswered.
Locked In.

I will always be incomplete,
constantly searching,
Banging each door of "opportunity"
Walking each path of "chance".

My Eyes and My Heart are Clouded and Blinded.
Grasping for an answer,
Clawing on empty space,
Creating a gap.

Hanging on to dear life,
Teetering atop highest expectations...
Falling on and on within the deep abyss of Uncertainty.
Losing oneself, enveloping oneself with the numbing darkness.

empty. Barren.
withered. dying.
Floating. aimless.
Dark. Lost.

Grating at the very doors that locks it in:
Constant Paranoia and Fear
Rejection, Expulsion,
Being an outcast and ending up alone.

We are Foolish!
Foolish for Lying to Ourselves!
Complicating our lives
With the intricate web of deception...
How Foolish and Dumb of us!

I envy those who live out their True Selves.
Risking it all - loneliness, rejection and more.
Their Hearts, Souls and Beings shatter, as Reality would have it.
Yet they Remain True to Themselves.
Broken yet True.
Instead of Perfect yet Deceptive.
Bonded to Reality,
They are not free from the hardships of Life
and the suffering of Living it,
But free from any lies.
Each one of us carries a scar -
a Scar we are afraid to show.
A scar we keep hidden.
The beauty of their Scarred Life Is that they don't hide it at all.
No life is perfect.
But it becomes perfect once we see Ourselves and Become Our Own.

Broken up in pieces,
i've done my best to mend myself.
Still hoping that one day,
i'll find my courage to no longer deny -
my Heart that loves truly
my Soul that lives freely
my Mind that rests peacefully
my Being that radiates brightly and completely.
No longer denying what and who I am
Who I Truly Am.

No more hiding
No more excuses
No more keeping safe.
No more denial...

To express what is truly in my heart.
To express what i really want to say.
To express the Truth.
To express the Depth and Beauty of our Soul and Being.
To Manifest the Timeless Wonder of the Beauty and Reality of all Souls.
And to finally rediscover and reclaim our Lost Humanity.
Lost Through Countless Lifetimes of Repression.
Found Through continued struggle for Release.

Be Free, Little One.
Don't Cry anymore because of Bitterness.
Cry because of Love, Joy and Humility...
Because you've been set free to be your Own.

Sing.
Dream.
Soar and Fly.
Live.
Love.
Be.

there's beauty in working late at night.
quiet and solitude.
concentration and relaxation, in a way.

there's also beauty in working at home.
A little laid back, but not completely so.
Freedom, yet still adhering to certain personal work goals for the day.

and now, back to work. :) one more to go, and back to la-la land. :D
(with "Notting Hill" in the background, after X-Men 2 and some few other movies at HBO and Star Movies) Poor Diane. She had a bad dream a while ago. I am glad she is able to go back to sleep. :)

you say that my feelings right now are pretty much mixed up - sad, sort of happy and relaxed, and neutral (i guess more on bordering towards some sadness).

what i plan to do tonight is to either watch movies/dvd series or actually finish a book (of whatever type - novel, comics that i have bought in thailand, or whatever else i have at home). i also find that i think i really need to finish burning aunt michelle a copy of the classical music i like. i seem to be finding it in myself somewhat lost and empty, listless, yet also somewhat content. content in the matter that i get to spend time with family. so relaxed is my schedule. though i am also thinking of other stuff - trips, stuff to save for now and buy later, things that i have to buy and thinking if i have enough funds to purchase such stuff, and paying for monthly pledges that i have made(will that leave me enough spending money for the next 15 days?) i think i do have enough, but why am i anxious and a little worried that i may not have enough and have to get some from my savings? i know i am holding myself back on that, but saving is not a bad thing at all. but why do i feel this way? i am not denying myself of any basic need, and i am deciding to spend wisely on stuff that i only do really need... i guess the very fact that i am afraid to touch the money lest i squander it on other things makes me anxious before i do anything at all - even in just making sure that i deposit the money. bah... i should not worry. i am aware of where i want to spend it, what i want to save it for, why i want to save it. i do end up splurging on some little thing, but i do know i also make and keep an effort to keep to what i can only spend on. there is no need to worry - i haven't done anything. and paying for what needs to be paid is my responsibility. so, there, done. :D

sadness and neutrality comes in to certain life events the last couple of days - chest x-ray results (2) of which gave me some scare. the first gave a little uncertainty, the second still needs to be interpreted by another doctor. to live life more and to take the risks i do want to take came into mind yesterday. but neutrality comes in because i don't want to overdo stuff - as i get rash, impulsive, emotional and all others.... to live doesn't mean that i go running off doing all the things i want (well, partly it is - to do things that i want, i plan to do, i dream to do), but a big chunk of it is actually living each moment of my life fully - with a happy, content heart, mind and soul - whatever comes my way. understanding and accepting life, and moving on, learning more, by "living" more - happy and content through these things. these words and thoughts come so easily. but i believe that each day, i find simple moments like these have become part of my day each day. i want to do more and to be more, but i am also happy(content) on where i am right now. of course, there is also that part which still yearns out, and so may seem discontented, but i tell myself that that is what will be and i will not force it. i will work towards it in my own pace, and the pieces will just fall into place. maybe that is really what is in store, or probably there is something much more to that, much different, yet equally meaningful. so many paths that i can see before me, but i can only choose one at a time. Dear me... i do hope that all of us will see that in our lives, so that we don't give up on ourselves, and persevere on forward...

but for now, i can only see Now clearer than Tomorrow. I don't really know what will come Tomorrow, and i cannot do anything about Yesterday anymore. i remember Yesterday clearly, yet nothing can change it; it changes us when we learn from it and accept it - it makes us who we were, who we are and who we will be. it makes us "us". it makes you "you", and it makes me "me". Not knowing it doesn't change things, knowing and understanding doesn't change anything else at all, except change us "inside" and therefore how we perceive life Now, how we decide to live life, and how we will perceive a Tomorrow for ourselves. There is no tangible changes, yet we know and feel them. We just do, and we feel happy, content, and complete, just as we are, just as things are. it is as if part of the missing pieces in the puzzle of our life have appeared or made itself visible and filled the spot where it had been missing from all along, giving our life more meaning, more color, more breadth and depth, and in a way, a wholeness/completeness that comes from being incomplete. And later on we realize that this comes from finally seeing, understanding and accepting that we don't lack anything at all, that we're not missing anything anymore, and that things are meant they are because we are the way we are - we are good and it has never left us. Don't you think so?

it has already been three months into the new year. each day passes by so fast... and this is only the first time i've written since the year started. though i find myself somewhat troubled.... troubled by my own mental well-being...

i've been thinking a lot again lately. not something i expected. though that's one thing i've learned the past years - do not expect anything. same intensity as before, but i guess i'm more stronger and aware now, so it doesn't gripe me in fear too much anymore. It still can, but i can pry it loose most of the time.

recently, an opportunity for serious growth and self-reflection came my way, when a really close friend sent me the following statement: "when you are always conscious of how people might perceive you... you are actually thinking more about yourself than about them." this shook things up a lot in me. you can say i was caught truly unaware. how i felt - i felt challenged, lost, and a lot more insecure. there was so much truth in it, but it also felt like an attack to my Being. It's ironic in that way, as it was ironic how the words "authenticity", "self-conscious", "Being" seemed to have had two or more meanings. There were two ways that i had to see it from - from my point of view as My Own Being and from the point of view of my friend.

On my side, i found the truth in it because i am aware of my thoughts and feelings as they arise. i do feel self-conscious a lot, especially right afterwards talking with people. after being out there, i suddenly get a shock and realize that i might have said something wrong, that i was too forward or rash, that i was too "whatever" that i would worry about how i will end up looking. I am selfish being this way, and i feel guilty of being selfish. Of course, the very statement above also made me feel that i might have been a fake. This startled me a lot, that i felt dejected and listless, afraid and anxious, speechless and paralyzed. Has my 28 years of existence been a lie? Am i just who i think i am based on how i see people see me? So am i just projecting what they want to see me to be? Have i been living a lie? I asked so many questions of myself. I can't get it out of my head.

It troubled me so much, affected me, not just because there is the truth in it, but also because i was also trying to prove my existence - that i was real, that the life i have been living so far is true and real. I know that all this time, all i've said(and not said), done(and have not done), and experienced(and, you guessed it, have not experienced), are true, and i have been there when those things happened, aware but blind to it, up to the point that i am aware and facing it face to face, unable to run away anymore. When i speak my mind with really good friends, i convey these thoughts and feelings as i draw them from my heart, mind and soul. i have been true to myself and truly myself most times - in times when i can be alone, when i am with really good friends, and even with strangers. But i have to admit that on the other times, i work within the limits of "societal norms". I admit that i don't want things to get harder when things are already hard. I still have to live, work and function in this world with others, to coexist even if i am a usually antisocial and introverted person. I am still part of this world, even if at some point, i have to put on some cloak to hide some parts of myself so that i can fit in a little and be a good and respecting citizen. I do not want to destroy any thing - i want to help. I contribute. and part of this interwoven network and interconnected world. Only showing a fraction of my self... I am not fake, but yes, maybe i am a coward...

But, "living" my life so far, have i already done anything? Probably this is where my friend is coming from - her side, also the side that the Universe with Endless Possibilities present. Her statement also brought me back and helped me find myself once more - I am not lost, and I am not alone. I am here, now. And thanks to another friend, i am reminded of it all. Through another point of view, a much wider and broader one, Authenticity and Self-conscious somehow takes a somewhat different meaning. Authenticity in the sense that i live out more of myself in all that i do - speech, doing, Being - compared to the fraction i express and show to the world before. To not be afraid to shake things up a little in the world in the society with my ideas, my opinions, with My Presence. Taking rein and control of what i do, and doing more more aggressively. Rather, it is taking charge of myself rather than leaving it to the Heavens. It works that way - but at times, the Heavens do also wait for that very Action to roll the ball again so that we can progress to the next chapter(s) of our lives. To not be afraid anymore, and just be me. To Shine with my own Being, with my own Light. Just as we are all ought to be doing - radiating our Inner Light, so that others may find their Light and shine as well. To let go of the "self-conscious" that limits the Light to shine through, that controls what should have been long expressed, that shrinks away from the light of One's Being, that looks up on others and that sees only our own flaws, inhibiting our own confidence, our own Power, our Voice, and ultimately our Being.

We have grown to choking ourselves in our self-conscious ways because we don't want to offend society and to not make a disgrace out of ourselves - society has conditioned us to this, but we also played a passive role in letting it become a habit and a holding power in us. We blame others for being silent, yet we are ourselves guilty of being silent because we are afraid to rock the boat, limiting the change and improvement that will benefit one and all from coming into Being. WE chose not to speak up partly out of fear, and partly because we felt it was not our place nor within our power to do so. We are afraid to be casualties of a just cause, especially if we are not misguided at all. We fall back right into the same cage, the same rut. In the end, we disgrace ourselves for not being able to Live Fully, for not being able to just fully Be, for limiting ourselves from all that we can be. Degrading ourselves to be just less of what We already are - beautifully perfect and imperfect. Our perfect imperfection makes us unique and makes us who we are individually.

We don't find empowerment outside - just support - because empowerment comes from within. We hold the Key to ourselves, we hold the answers to our Life, We are our Life. All that matters now is, "Will i take charge? Will I use my Voice? Will I use my Life? Will I live my Life? Will I be I?" It is a challenge - will we heed the siren call and take it head on? Seriously, I still have to make my choice. And so do you.

My Heart and Soul aches
Reaching its arms out,
To love deeply and intimately,
To love one, many and all.

Nameless Face,
Unseen Beauty,
Warm and Loving Soul,
My Heart and Soul seeks for Thee.

In each day, I learn in retrospect,
Finding Peace and Contentment,
Yet also having this unrequited longing,
To finally meet Thee one day.

In some way still seeking,
for the one Piece that i seem to be missing.
Not anymore of just myself,
but a part of my boundless Soul.

Where are You?
Are You waiting too?
May the Universe, the Highest Power, hear Us,
And may in their perfect timing, we be brought to meet in all the right details:
right time, right place, right moment.
And may We be allowed to live together in completeness,
In Light, in Peace, in Love.
And may We live on and on,
Our Souls never broken and torn apart from each other forevermore,
all throughout Eternity.

Awareness - towards "Digesting" our thoughts and emotions

If i try to remember from way back.... from way back into the start... before being born into this world.... all i can remember is nothingness. It is quiet. It is also still in my heart. I can't see way beyond that, just as i can't peer past into the future.

Once you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, it's really hard to deny what you feel and how you are thinking about things in your life. Even if the day-to-day and the moment-to-moment happenings seem something as small as what you see, what color the sky is right at this moment, what you are feeling... you just can't deny that you can feel, hear, see and understand them all. Before being aware, you can easily be blind to it all. You can easily shut yourself within your own dark walls and stay away from it all. But after you've awaken your awareness, it is hard to lie to oneself. When you try to go on doing things the other way as you want it to, even if you know it will end the way you don't want it to despite wishing that it would still end in the best outcome possible, you end up regretting it because you chose to ignore what you truly did feel deep within you - in your heart and soul, as they speak to your mind directly. You know that you have to listen to yourself, but you chose not to. Of course, you end up being regretful and ashamed of not being there for yourself, but you learn from this, and you move on, growing and learning from these experiences.

I can feel all these thoughts running in my head; I can also feel the rush of different emotions that starts swirling here and there in my chest. I am aware of them all. And sometimes, i can be swept up by the strong current of these thoughts, by these feelings, or at times by both - a tidal wave of numbing proportions that leaves me paralyzed with fear. But more or less, in "ordinary" days, it's humbling to observe these thoughts and feel these emotions. You learn to be true and to be honest with yourself, and at the same time, start to acknowledge that we can be mean to others, even in just the simplest of thoughts. We may not say them out loud, but they're there - judging. When i feel myself judging, i remind myself that i am no different from them at all because i am Human, and i am not Perfect, yet I am who I am, with no need to change myself to hide my true nature. and even if i do hide those imperfections, it is with knowing that i yearn to change for the better by using those imperfections as grounds to improve myself and be a better person, not just for myself. Because when we do change, the effects of the(se) changes within us will ripple out towards those around us. They can feel the difference too. Just like when sadness can be felt by others and repel others to stay away, or when happiness/joy infects other people around to feel that light, warm feeling, these changes, no matter how subtle, can be picked up by another's heart, soul, being. We cannot deny that, unless we choose to be blind, unless we choose not to see even when we know it's there. Just like what i've read, it's like we call on this "fog" to obscure the real reflection from the mirror, distorting the truth or creating illusions.

Just this afternoon, i can remember feeling jealous, protective, happy, sad, afraid, caring, loving, judgmental, humbled, positive, negative, empowered, powerless, thankful, confused and unfocused, centered... These are a myriad of emotions, but i feel one or more of these at a certain moment, on its own or in combinations i cannot even name. In every second and each passing moment, my feelings change from one form to another, from one mood to another. Just imagine how thoughts were and are going through in my mind. It's like the flicker of the candle light, swaying to the flow of the wind - moving from side to side, shrinking, or suddenly bursting out in great heights - the wick burning slowly, or fast, due to the wax and oil that continue to feed its flames. We certainly cannot remove the wax(body) nor the wick(life). We live through it, until it ends, and we move on to another plane or back.

We learn to live with what we have in each reincarnation of our lives, and hopefully find contentment and peace by making peace and amends with ourselves and then with others, accepting who we are ourselves and then learning to accept and respect others. We yearn to truly "connect" with others, to find that "connection", but we must first "reconnect" from within ourselves. Hopefully, in the process, we find the answers from within and learn how we can be of benefit to others and to the Universe, even in our most singular form, in the most minute detail of Time and Space. Yes, these can sound so idealistic, and really hard to do, but it is achievable, as long as we do it with our heart and soul, and with the best of intentions. Never forget to be aware of your intentions in every action, in every thought, and in every word that comes from you.

Of course, being aware can be really hard at times, because you definitely know that you're sad or confused, and you're unable to help it but to just let it be. There will be days like that, just as there will be days when it is just so peaceful and calm, filled with happiness and contentment that all you can do is smile from your heart, from the inside out. :) Of course, it all depends on how you choose how to live each moment: lonely and bitter, or calm and humbled. :) We choose, we decide. So remember, you have that choice too. You always did have it, and you still do. :)

A first and very "eventful" year in my life

in the last 26 years of my life, this 27th seems to be the most "event-filled" year. i don't know what will be coming in the years to follow, but certainly a lot has happened. comparing all that has happened below with the past 26 years, except starting from my 23rd or 24th year of existence in this world, life has been pretty dark for me. i had always thought cynically about stuff, always saw things at one dimension, carried a chip on my shoulder, burdening my heart with so many so-called heartaches, encircled and surrounded by my own fears and insecurities, thought that i was protected by keeping to my own, despite all the anger, despite all the fear, despite all the longing, despite all the sadness and despair, despite the loneliness, despite the "darkness" of it all....

First was the intention that i made this year towards growth in all aspect in my life. I think this started the chain of events, started the ball rolling... :)

Second, the change in my mom - in that she sorts of allows me to go to where i want when i tell her about, like she's is loosening her gripping hold on me.

Third, the sudden death of my paternal grandfather. We were just coming back from a family trip in Macau that very day. I believe my grandpa was just waiting for us to be back, safe and sound. He left the next day. But upon his leaving, somehow, "our" family (both immediate and among relatives) makes more effort to come together. :) "Angkong" is still watching us, i believe, smiling and enjoying a few tricks and jokes up his sleeves for us. :) For most, he is a kind and generous person. Within most of the family, he was strict yet loving. For me, i felt he wanted me to remember him this way, different in some ways from the others: loving and sweet, soft and kind, caring but not overbearing, affectionate when nobody is looking(but serious, self-confident and controlled most of the time when in front of others), seriously caring for the lives and the future of his family and descendants(sons and daughters, grandchildren and more great grandchildren, relatives, friends). And six months after his death, I am realizing that one thing about my angkong is true, even after death and in the after-life: he is a jokester at heart. Have fun, angkong. :) We are laughing with you. :) hahahahaha :)

Fourth, i was sick with dengue and was hospitalized for a week. Almost close to death at one point, i wonder what it is that are still in my life that i have to work towards for, my purpose. i've been relatively healthy all through my life, except in the first year of my birth and for the certain times in my life that my body was internally weak. Money truly cannot buy love, time and life; through the love people have for me, relatives, friends and co-workers donated blood for me so that the platelet can be extracted and be transfused to me. Thank you very much. The fact that i am living now is proof of your selfless love and care. :) Also, this gave me a new-found realization and gratitude for my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends, co-workers and all the people that surround me and are around me, near and far, in the circles and orgs i belong, and even those from outside those. :) We are truly a part of each other's lives, interconnected.

Fifth, i was stranded in the office due to the worst flooding yet in philippine history brought by "Ondoy".... not wanting it to be repeated, yet i found myself positive in that "mini-ordeal", that there is something to learn or that there is always a purpose to what is happening. i also learned that i was able to see it in a different light instead of being all negative, sad and complaining about it. i actually met and got to know someone new. even there, i felt warm and protected. and yes, after that day, the sun did come to shine again, welcoming a new day, and a new start/beginning.

Sixth, in this world, i am thankful and grateful that there are people like you who can understand me, much more than other people do. there are only a few of you who can easily understand and relate to me. i am often misunderstood, or seen as too deep or too serious about life. i guess at some point i am. :) but still, without you and some few others, i would only have writing to turn towards to, but that wouldn't be enough. i still need human interaction, even if only for the briefest time. to know that someone understands me, accepts me... whatever, whoever and however i may be... is a gift.... there is nothing i can do about people who don't understand me. but i can be thankful for having people who do understand me, and are there for me. :)

Seventh, i will be taking my real first trip ever on my own. I'll be flying to Bangkok and spending a week there. I am paying for all the expenses of the trip by myself. :) That's a first. :) Spending my hard-earned money for myself. :) It feels like some sort of independence in a lot of aspects. :) and i'll get to revisit and explore Thailand again(through and with myself, first and foremost, making it a very special and personal trip), and most importantly, see my Thai friends once again. :)

And Eighth, i am thankful and grateful to family, relatives and friends who continue to have faith in me, believe in the goodness and strength and me, and accept my imperfections as well together with the whole. Thank you for listening, advising and encouraging. Thank you for explaining, and for being frank and truthful. The truth hurts, but we learn from it. :) Thank you for being You. Your words of kindness, truth and honesty when speaking to me and when speaking/sharing about me to/with others help contribute in helping and letting others "see" me in a different perspective when they used to just usually see me in a negative light.

I may sometimes feel somewhat down and depressed, confused and listless, worried and paranoid, tired and unnerved. But this doesn't stop me anymore from looking at the bright side and the silver lining, from hoping and dreaming of and for the future, and from appreciating the reason why we are where we are and why these things happen to us. Each moment has a reason. Each moment a lesson. A small bleep in the vastness of our life, our spirt and our universe, yet every seemingly small speck of activity affects a lot of things which we most of the time are blinded to or just don't notice at all. :)

Good day, Everybody. May you be blessed. May you be safe. May you be well. Always. :)

Note:

There is actually a Ninth that i forgot to mention: This year, i was able to reconnect with friends or people that i wanted to get to know way back in high school. There are two of them, both upperclassmen, but they are really nice and great people. i really wanted to get to know them better back then, but i was myself occupied with my self-pity and insecurity, and they were also in something of their own as well. Meeting them again this year, after almost 10 years i think, and being able to talk to them, enjoying our conversation and each others' company is truly something to be happy about. It is as if we are given another, or rather, the right chance and opportunity to get to know each other after we got to do some of our own growing. :) If I am allowed to say it, i believe that the Universe brought our paths together again because the "Now" now is the right time. If we got to get to know each other back then, the outcome could have been different. But now that we are both "ready" ourselves and ready to meet, it's like the Universe brought us together once again so that we can start a friendship anew through this meeting. It's like, or rather, it is the perfect timing. and i believer there is a reason for each and every thing that has happened to us. We are each different yet also the same in who and how we were back then and who and how we are right now. :)

Wait.... Sit.... Simmer..... Boil..... Voila!

"simmer within the deep bowls of chaos/confusion and self-reflection... and when it comes to a boil, at the right time and at the right moment, the cover is opened up and removed, releasing the fresh aroma of understanding, acceptance and peace that you have found and discovered within yourself, waiting to be broken free from its hiding place within you."

"opened too soon, and you learn you should have had waited. opened too early, and realizing it, you wait within the cover and the pressure. opened too late, and you may end up dried up, rancid and gone bad, tired and desolute, cynical, depressed, wasted, feeling unworthy, dark and powerless, lifelessness staring out of your eyes..."

this is the tv ad that brought my attention to WFP(World Food Programme)



They have more youtube videos here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/WORLDFOODPROGRAM

or better yet, visit their website at www.wfp.org

We can help change the world for the better - one day, one moment, one action, one kindness, at a time. Each done truly and deeply from the heart. One at a time. :) It matters. :) All we have to do is to take that step. :) The Power of One. :) You just never know how far one act of kindness goes. :) It goes a long, long way. :)

Let's help start helping one billion. Let's pay it forward, and share this to the world. :)

do you sometimes feel stuck in your body? does your soul feel that it is jailed inside its physical vessel? it feels like that at times.

time seems to be moving on. not that i am not glad to be alive, after needing a platelet transfusion because of dengue. well, that is how time is. silly me. :))

but you know, for you and me, it seems like we're not getting old and such. but now, when i see my nephew grow bigger and taller each day, walking and trying to learn to do new things by himself, you kinda feel that you are actually really "getting older". compared to his continuous growth, we kinda seem to be "stuck" in this growth. we don't grow physically anymore, except in that we grow "old". Physically, some aspects will change up until old age and death, but also, changes will abound in what we do with our bodies. I hope that "inside" - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally - our growth is not stunted either, but rather, continuing to grow and evolve despite what has already stopped in the physical process(in some way).

Just sharing what was in my mind the other night. I did feel somewhat stuck, that most adults feel stuck at where they are right now, in whatever aspect you can think of. You can say that sometimes, it is a physical matter. yet there are also times that it is not the body at all but rather our hearts, our minds or our souls that are bound shut.

Good day, everybody. :)