Wednesday, June 01, 2011

When you find that at some point you are not that much afraid of your own death at all, how do you feel? I don't quite really know. but right now, i am in no rush to find out what's wrong with me. I am such a worrywart that the worry might get to me first than the actual condition. It is also weird of me to prolong what i could have known for almost a month ago. 2 weeks worried me, that i quickly called the family doctor. Yet when this thing has been going on for two months, and i am just taking my time because i am observing what is happening(or so i say to myself and others), it does seem crazy. I am afraid to go, to actually know. i am afraid of not knowing what it is as well. You can say that i want somebody to offer to go with me. I just want to be with somebody, i guess. But rather, more of knowing that i matter to somebody enough that they are willing to take time for me. I can go to the doctor alone, yet i didn't do so. If i had died not knowing, would i have regretted it? probably. now that i sort of have something that i look forward to. somewhat.

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