Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Living Lives

Yes, Lives.

I am living more than one life. Every single day.

When I wake up in the morning, staring at the window before me, blinds folded downwards as it covers the new day from me.  I ask myself, "Another day. Here we go again."  I walk past the bathroom mirror, straight to the toilet. Drugged by sleep, still hanging on to my dream.  Reality strikes again, as pinch by pinch of wakefulness forces my eyes to clear up.  I stand up, and finally look at the mirror. "Yes. You."

I look at my watch, "Darn, I'm running late again."  Grabbing my toothbrush, putting some toothpaste on it, and finally placing it into my mouth as i walk towards the shower.  "Will I make it in time? Oh, just start and take a bath."  While doing so, I flow back into consciousness.  All the unspoken thoughts rush in my head.  I continue in my own personal mental conversation - past, present, future.  I then noticed, "I'm finally done."  I walk out of the shower, and get dressed. Piece by piece, and then i look at myself again, "What? Are we done?"

I slowly open the blinds, letting the light flow in.  It can sunny outside, or gloomy.  It doesn't matter.  I look out, as I button my blouse.  I put on my pants.  "What am I doing?"  I walk back and put my vest.  Yes, complete uniform.  I then sit down on my bed and stare out of the window. I run all my thoughts in my head, talking to myself silently again.  Sometimes it can be so nice and relaxing, as i relive memories.  Sometimes freakish and fanatical, as I make sure of so many things - about myself, about this life.  "I am sure." "Are you really really sure?" "Is it Time?"  I sigh.  Another look at my watch tells me I am now really really late.

I remove the towel from my head, ruffling my hands through my hair to brush it.  I grab my bag and walk out of the room.  Daily routine.  Breakfast. Filling my water bottles.  Then walking out of the house to the car.

Once in the car, my mental conversation continues.  It is as real as what is happening before our eyes.  Real because I expressed my dreams, fears and honest thoughts.  Real because i pray and wish and all else.  As I drive on, controlling the steering wheel with my left hand and switching the gear shift with my right, I give another sigh. "I really want to go where my dreams are.  Why am I still here, doing this?  Why don't I have the courage to do what I want?  Money. Family. What will they think of me?"  I drive on.  I take a different route now.  To lengthen my driving time, giving me more time to "run".  I deserve that much, to make more time for myself to get ready to be back at work.

Timing in, I smile at the guard.  If i don't talk to anybody at home during the mornings, they wouldn't know who i really am.  Because I am only real to myself, to God, and to my Beloved.  Everybody else, they get another part of me.  It is also real, as real as society would allow me to be, with all the stops and controls.  This is my other life.  One of the many variations, maybe.

Life in the office.  Life at home.  Life outside both of these two.  Life with God and the Universe on my own.  Life with my Beloved.

So many lives.

I wish to persist with my existence as with Life with my Beloved.  With my Beloved, Time doesn't seem to move.  But it does.  It creates both a great deal of difference, and at the same time retains so many things unchanged.  You move forward even without changing too much.  You change somewhat and things can move as if left unchanged. It is both a bubble of moving time as well as retained Time.

But when in my other lives, this persistence i always keep in check.

Yet I do hope one day, really really soon, I can collect all these Lives together, and unify them into one.    No need for these and that Life.  Just this one Life.  The Life I choose to be I, and in every moment of that existence, I will not question myself, but question, "Why not?"  And just keep on moving and Living.  That is what I am striving for, plain and simple - truthful Living.

1 comment:

harada57 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.