Love Fluttering All Around

Such a beautiful it is today
Just like that day
when you greeted me
"Happy birthday!"

With the rays of the sun
Playfully touching
the dancing leaves
according to hum of the wind

With the blue clear sky
reminding me of our adventures together
Nothing can stop
this joy is endless

I smile,
as i remember you.
And as it turned into night
I smile,
for even then,
it reminds me of you.

Tell me,
how do i forget you?
Tell me,
how do i not love you?

I don't want to hate you.
I don't want to leave you.
Yet it seems there is no other way
But to go far away from you.

I used to hate love away.
And then i will be okay.
But whenever i find somebody new
It will end up just like how it was with you.

But what we share now is different.
For i have chosen not to do what i did before,
in which i would wallow in despair,
forming hate and fear in my heart.

I choose to not hate you at all,
As i slowly try to regain all of my own, my self.
It still feels like torture,
yet it's better than being tortured by hate and fear,
and not seeing the good in each day at all.

It will be alright
Things will be as they are
Thank you for being part of my life
and i hope you continue to be so
because i will always love you
deep inside my heart.

Any ideas?

In the silence
i let my thoughts flow
into the world
that i hold on for now
as my own

Free at last
and my soul flows free
Free to love
Free to wonder
Free to behold

And in a flick of a moment
a tiny movement changes all
I get pulled back into reality
our world
And that's all

Home....

I'm just home today....

Actually, while i was in Singapore, i had all these thoughts and realizations about myself... Why i have been acting this way - trying to run away from myself, or just not facing myself - as i looked ahead into this patch of green land before me. I was just here two years ago, but now, Singapore looks and feels different to me. I told myself, "Probably i am now seeing, living and experiencing somewhat differently. Could this be?" :) Who knows? :)

Anyway, I wasn't even able to write them down because i was having breakfast with my parents then... and when i got back to our room, i guess, it's the same thing, was with my brother. Or my mind was just elsewhere, again. :)

New things coming in...

Just a while back, i was thinking about life again... A friend of mine is currently attending a Mandala workshop. I didn't know what it was, so i searched the net. Once reading about it, i said to myself, "Yeah, it's time for her. Everything seems to be coming to her now. That's great." :) She's so into these. :) and it really interests her. I'm just glad that she shares about her comings and goings with me, invites me to things that interests her and that she thinks i would enjoy also. :) Anyway, I won't throw myself into that just yet. She's really into that; me, i just want to know about it and explore it some more if i really want it. Other than that, it's her time for that. Not yet for me. :)

If you truly love, trust and want the best for another, just let the person be. At times i can do so, and of course at times i can't. If i don't, i actually lock myself in worry.

Just a moment ago, Ate Remy, our cook, just walked in. She whispered, "Excuse me.", as she entered the room, and it still startled me! hehe :) i had the volume of the TV at my room blasting, and i can hear it from this other room, but a single whisper scared the hell out of me. Ate Remy commented, "Your mind must really be faraway or really deep in thought." And in a way, i think she is right. I was so focused on what i was really thinking. I thought i was alone, nobody there, and i just let my mind go.

I hide myself from others because i don't want them to limit me from being who i am and from being with people i love. But in hiding, i am already limiting myself from being myself. Self-preservation that causes me to feel all caged up, locked up. An irony, isn't it?

Where is home? We ask it over and over again. For me now, it is where our hearts rest and are in peace - wherever we could be, whenever it may be and whoever we are with. Home could be where we are at a certain time or surroudnign, or home could be just being with the person you love.

Mind in... mind out....

Others look for a time to relax and unwind during the weekends from the things that preoccupy their time during the weekdays: work, deadline etc. For me, i look for things to do, places to go, and especially to be with people i enjoy being with on these days. It seems boring and empty at home. i know that i can read a book, watch tv, or go online, but then when it is so nice outside, i just want to be with somebody to enjoy the day with. I know who i want to go to right at this very moment, but yes, i don't want to go there without permission and uninvited.

i wanted to go out since this morning. One thing that stopped me was the question, "where would i go?" Another question was, "Will the person i want to go to be home? am i even allowed to go there at this very moment?" I was sort of confining myself at home with these questions. Plus, my mom wouldn't just let me go out on my own, right on this instant-she made me agree with her that if i plan to go out, that i should tell her a day in advance. Of course, there are just those spur on the moment things that i also happen to get, like just suddenly wanting to go out. But at home, i have to think twice, and plan way ahead. Sucks the fun out of wanting to be more spontaneous, on following what i feel like doing.

I spent the morning and the early afternoon online. yes, online. nobody that i wanted and enjoyed talking to was online. Nothing much in tv - just that i don't have much appetite for tv. Book, hmmm.... just didn't feel like reading anything. So i tried to enjoy reading through some stuff online, and of course, downloading music and these anime episodes. Oh boy! I didn't expect that the download speed was faster this morning. good thing i decided to try it out and connected. :)

Lunch was nothing... i eat fast anyway. I really had this urge to call... but then i told myself, "give the person time. call later in the afternoon." and so i did, setting my cellphone down somewhere nearby. Although there was there real urgent need to go out, but still, "where to go?"

My mom arrived and told me to take Diane (the dog) out. Our dog just like going out on car trips. we don't know why, but she's really happy when she gets to go out. :) In a way, that was already a cue for me to go out today if i really want to, but of course, take the dog with me. "Where to go? Where to go?" I thought for a while, imagining the different places that i wanted to go to, but yeah, only one place that i would definitely want to be in but i can't go there. (I'm pretty predictable if you know me.)

I just stood up, changed, and went out with the dog. i was going to tell my mom that i was going out, but she was sleeping (she did ask me why i didn't tell her i was going out and i told her the truth,"you were sleeping.").

Once in the car, alone with the dog, I was still thinking a lot. I'm still "blaming" myelf for not doing it this way, for not being that way, etc.... I then told myself to just stop it, and just let things be. Now that i am alone, what should i be afraid of? What should i hide? i'm out, and that's all that matters. Where was i going? actually, i just droved. as long as i felt unafraid, i just drove. Of course, i would have wanted to go down somewhere, walk for a while, but with the dog, it limits me. so, i just drove. Took the longer way home, trying out new paths. i was out for an hour. wished i could stay out for long, but the question again was, "Where to go? Who to be with?" and the gas... i know, i could go out on my own. I have no problem with that. I already do so. but of course, there are just people that you want to be with. and when you have the time, you do hope that they would also be free at that time, and that they would want your company. Drove for an hour, and then, i was back home again.

And here i am again, back in front of the computer. Still thinking - yes, thinking if i was mumbling something or talking out loud of what i was thinking about when my thinking mind seems as if it is my audible talking voice when it is all just in my head. being OC, i keep on thinking about this day in and day out. i know, i know... i even spend too much energy on that. might as well go crazy.

but anyway, going to check if dinner's ready. i want to eat early, lock myself in my room afterwards (unless the download finishes on time, then i can do some watching.) hehe :)