Something came into mind....

November 26, 2004, Friday, 9:22 AM, DLSU Gokongwei Lobby

Actually, I lay awake last night, sleep eluding me for almost an hour. I prayed an earnest prayer, talking with God all about my plans and my fears in life. I feel like crying, but felt and thought that there is no point in doing so. But deep in my heart, I did cry, and in my mind, I saw all my fears come to life.

But facing each day is not that bad anymore, unless I am left to idly wait for some time, with my mind on the roll again. But things could be much worst. I have been to the other extreme, where death or the idea of death, as I take my own life, was just somewhere around the corner, or beside me, as I take every step and think every thought. Actually, it, death, is still somewhere near, only thing is, I got an invisible wall around me at this round, and God back into my life. Of course, I still think of death, but then, I also think of a lot of other things before it: life after college, life working, life with a family (my own) and that of immediate and extended family, life at old age, life with kids growing up, life with my parents growing old. You see, I think of so much things about the future, and at most points, I remember the past – some I prefer to forget but remember, most I would never want to forget and fearful of forgetting.

I would have died years ago, but the thing is, aside from my now best friend being there for me when I needed her the most during those times, I am afraid to die. I can’t even kill myself. I would hurt myself, orchestrate my own death, think of what to use and where to hurt myself, but I never did kill myself. What’s the use of wanting to die if I can’t even kill myself? Funny how things are, right?

And so now, aside from death, life continues to baffle me as I continue to live it. I am still clueless as to the finality of my personality, as a whole person; each facet and aspect of me yearns to find out who I am and was and will be, but the thing I want to know is, who am I? If I can’t decide or at least have an inkling of this, it is hard to discern who I will be and can be in the future. Perhaps, I am just afraid of what my decision of who I am will be? Possibly. Once I speak of it, and live it, there’s no turning back. I can change, but as always, it will be hard to change, especially if it is for the better. Too much friction, too much shame, too much horror, unless you have love for oneself, and the love and support of others. Others can change alone, but I am lucky to have others, even with me just taking these baby steps to changing, though I am still in the rut about myself.

Whatever our decision will be, it will be as it is. If I decide to go this way, I live my life accordingly to the consequences of that decision, either it be good or bad consequences. If I made a different decision, there are different consequences. But whatever decision we make, there will always be consequences that we have to live with, and most importantly, live through. I guess one would say, it is on how you have made the decision that matters, if you followed your principles or your circumstances, or otherwise. But whatever that decision might be, basing it on either good or bad principles or circumstances, once you make it, once you decide to do it and make and go on the first step, there is no turning back. Most of us don’t seem to notice these decisions, because it seemed so trivial, but when you look back, it wasn’t and isn’t trivial at all (well, in my case, it was this way). Of course, some just get detained in the same condition as they are now in, because they chose to or because I choose to. God has prepared our life, but we actually make the choices, the decision on things that we really can decide on so that we could learn, and then God unravels the rest, and the consequences. And I think, He prepares these consequences as our learning ground, taking some (people and/or things) and leaving some, our ups and downs. But whatever choice we make, though it may seem trivial, or so grave, depending on how you’ve learned to look at it, we do and must make the choice, and learn to trust God to be with us through the rest. We learn to endure through it all – most of us stumble and never get back on our feet, but a lot others, after stumbling step back up, one step at a time, with hands guiding them, with eyes, ears and all other senses (oh, let us not forget God). Rising up against shame, and becoming “new”, because we either learn something new, or continue to remain blinded, but be forever changed and affected by all these experiences.

So for now, I live my life day by day, though I still fear tomorrow every night. Each day brings happiness, joy, as well as sorrow, shame, anger, pain. At night, each fear crawling up to me. I guess, for me, these are my consequences, and I am learning to live with and through them day by day. This doesn’t seem like a proper ending, because I guess, each decision leads to a new beginning, and as it is said, death is also a new beginning, but with life, each moment is a beginning that you can make. After death… well, let’s worry about it after or when we are dead.

JCA Homecoming 2004

Yes, it was held yesterday at the JCA Annex Bldg. :) The Annex actually looks great... now, wish they could have built it when we were still studying. But anyway, it wouldn't be the same. :)

Yes, there is the usual registration. Dinner actually started late, around 8pm. Nothing much, all the batches were with their own. But of course, there was the Akafellas concert. Boy, are they great! :)

Well, i just got 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed, around 2pm to 3:30pm. and i attended the homecoming. It was hard to eat and talk, but i still enjoyed it. I just needed to rest from time to time. :)

Below are pictures that i have taken. Most of them are taken before dinner was served, when the Akafellas were performing, and after the Akafellas performance. :) Glad i asked Ruby if i can take pictures with Akafellas. :) We were one of the first few, and then more followed. :) They are really great. :)

By the way, the pictures shown here are not in their actual sizes. To be able to get the 1024x768 resolution of a certain picture, click on that chosen picture and wait for it to be loaded. Once loading is finished, you can right-click on the picture and click "Save Picture". Or just right-click on the chosen pic (the smaller sized ones) and choose "Save Target", though i dunno if it is the same, but i think it should be. :)

I just uploaded the pics here so that it wouldn't be hard to attach the pictures to the different emails. :) I actually don't know all of your emails. :) But it would be much accessible here than it would be with emails since in e-mailing it to each of you, the attachment could be too big and it would take time to upload them and for you to download them, plus there is the possibility that your mailbox is full, and therefore i have to resend them again if i get the email back. Let us just save each other the hassle. I upload the pictures; you download the pictures once. :) And you can see the pictures i uploaded. :) Wouldn't that be great? :) For your information, each picture is 1.5MB to 2.0MB in file size. But with this, you download the pictures and it is saved into your local hard drive in less than 100KB. :) You save space in your computer, and you save time when downloading it online from my page (although it takes me longer to upload it, but not as long as attaching it to email online). :) And you actually save me the trouble of having to size them down to a smaller file size before emailing them, because the uploading program for this page already scales the file size down for me. :)

Do sign my guestbook if you got them. :) Just click on the "Sign my guestbook" link on the page. :) If you want me to send you the 2MB file, just indicate that in your guestbook message or entry. :) Oh, and do introduce yourselves. :) Thanks. :)

Just the emcees! :) 

Another batch of JCA alumni with the Akafellas. 

Tanya and me.  

Just the Akafellas! :) Now, there is all 8 of them. :) 

Akafellas with the four emcees. 

Akafellas with my sister Gennet and our family friend, Katrina, from Batch '97. 

Just the Akafellas! :) oopss... one's missing. 

Akafellas with people from some other JCA batch. :) 

Pics of us with the Akafellas! :) 

Akafellas performing with some people dancing. :) enjoy sila. :) 

Here's Kim, Lins, me, Emer and JM. :) the Akafellas were already performing in the background. :) 

Me and Nats! :) She just came by to check things out. :) It's a waste she couldn't stay, but she has to study. :) She is already taking up Med Proper. :) 

Me, JM, Kim, Vina, Krysty, Jem, and Chaq!  

Here we are: Kerwin, Mr. Chincuanco, me, Katrina, Elbert, Trisha and Gennet. 

Me and Mr. Chincuanco 

Oooohh... sorry rochelle! :o But here is Carlo Jason, me, Julanie, MJ, Shelyn, Rochelle and Charis. 

Of course, here is Mrs. Bumatay, Mrs. Edna Leung-Yap, Dra. Coyukiat, Mr and Mrs Sia :) 

JM, me and Kim. :) 

I thinks thsi is a better shot. :) 

I wasn't ready for the shot, but here is a pic of me and some other person for other batches with JCA chinese teachers. :) Do you remember them? :)  

I think this is a clearer shot of the teachers. :) I was experimenting on the Night-mode utility of my camera, but i guess auto is still the best. :) 

More JCA teachers! :) 

JCA Teachers! :) 

how are you doing lately? guess you are pretty busy again.... :) well, i guess it was just a month ago when we last exchanged emails. :)

sometimes, i do wish to be a high school student again. and in a way, enjoyed my happy-go-lucky life then..... now, there are decisions to make, though i know i have some more time to enjoy or think things through.... i am a depressed teenager..... although, i dunno, i guess i have already made my decision on that part of my life, which means i have to learn from those and make sure that i don't make the wrong decisions.....

the future can bring us to so many places..... where will i end up? where will we end up?
so many things to miss, and so much to look forward. at least i look forward, but of course, i just hope that i don't expect too much.... well i guess if i work hard for my future, why not.... i hope i can live my present as well.....

anyway, hope to hear from you soon! :)

Bazaar on October 9-10!!! :)

I would like to invite you all to Tzu Chi's Bazaar at Le Pavillion (along Roxas Blvd, near
the Toyoto Manila Bay area) this coming October 9-10. There will be different booths where
you can do an early christmas shopping or just look around.

If you have any questions regarding the event, to buy tickets (to buy stuff, you buy such
tickets which can be used as corresponding to the peso amount/value on that ticket), to
inquire about the organization, or how to join the bazaar(either as supplier or sponsor),
please call the Tzu Chi office at 7325714 and look for Peggy or Chieh Fang for more details.
:)
I hope to see you there! :)
~Grace Limtanhoa

this is the right side of the lobby. :)  

This is the leftmost part of the lobby. :)