Something came into mind....

November 26, 2004, Friday, 9:22 AM, DLSU Gokongwei Lobby

Actually, I lay awake last night, sleep eluding me for almost an hour. I prayed an earnest prayer, talking with God all about my plans and my fears in life. I feel like crying, but felt and thought that there is no point in doing so. But deep in my heart, I did cry, and in my mind, I saw all my fears come to life.

But facing each day is not that bad anymore, unless I am left to idly wait for some time, with my mind on the roll again. But things could be much worst. I have been to the other extreme, where death or the idea of death, as I take my own life, was just somewhere around the corner, or beside me, as I take every step and think every thought. Actually, it, death, is still somewhere near, only thing is, I got an invisible wall around me at this round, and God back into my life. Of course, I still think of death, but then, I also think of a lot of other things before it: life after college, life working, life with a family (my own) and that of immediate and extended family, life at old age, life with kids growing up, life with my parents growing old. You see, I think of so much things about the future, and at most points, I remember the past – some I prefer to forget but remember, most I would never want to forget and fearful of forgetting.

I would have died years ago, but the thing is, aside from my now best friend being there for me when I needed her the most during those times, I am afraid to die. I can’t even kill myself. I would hurt myself, orchestrate my own death, think of what to use and where to hurt myself, but I never did kill myself. What’s the use of wanting to die if I can’t even kill myself? Funny how things are, right?

And so now, aside from death, life continues to baffle me as I continue to live it. I am still clueless as to the finality of my personality, as a whole person; each facet and aspect of me yearns to find out who I am and was and will be, but the thing I want to know is, who am I? If I can’t decide or at least have an inkling of this, it is hard to discern who I will be and can be in the future. Perhaps, I am just afraid of what my decision of who I am will be? Possibly. Once I speak of it, and live it, there’s no turning back. I can change, but as always, it will be hard to change, especially if it is for the better. Too much friction, too much shame, too much horror, unless you have love for oneself, and the love and support of others. Others can change alone, but I am lucky to have others, even with me just taking these baby steps to changing, though I am still in the rut about myself.

Whatever our decision will be, it will be as it is. If I decide to go this way, I live my life accordingly to the consequences of that decision, either it be good or bad consequences. If I made a different decision, there are different consequences. But whatever decision we make, there will always be consequences that we have to live with, and most importantly, live through. I guess one would say, it is on how you have made the decision that matters, if you followed your principles or your circumstances, or otherwise. But whatever that decision might be, basing it on either good or bad principles or circumstances, once you make it, once you decide to do it and make and go on the first step, there is no turning back. Most of us don’t seem to notice these decisions, because it seemed so trivial, but when you look back, it wasn’t and isn’t trivial at all (well, in my case, it was this way). Of course, some just get detained in the same condition as they are now in, because they chose to or because I choose to. God has prepared our life, but we actually make the choices, the decision on things that we really can decide on so that we could learn, and then God unravels the rest, and the consequences. And I think, He prepares these consequences as our learning ground, taking some (people and/or things) and leaving some, our ups and downs. But whatever choice we make, though it may seem trivial, or so grave, depending on how you’ve learned to look at it, we do and must make the choice, and learn to trust God to be with us through the rest. We learn to endure through it all – most of us stumble and never get back on our feet, but a lot others, after stumbling step back up, one step at a time, with hands guiding them, with eyes, ears and all other senses (oh, let us not forget God). Rising up against shame, and becoming “new”, because we either learn something new, or continue to remain blinded, but be forever changed and affected by all these experiences.

So for now, I live my life day by day, though I still fear tomorrow every night. Each day brings happiness, joy, as well as sorrow, shame, anger, pain. At night, each fear crawling up to me. I guess, for me, these are my consequences, and I am learning to live with and through them day by day. This doesn’t seem like a proper ending, because I guess, each decision leads to a new beginning, and as it is said, death is also a new beginning, but with life, each moment is a beginning that you can make. After death… well, let’s worry about it after or when we are dead.