Monday, March 07, 2005
Saturday, January 15, 2005
And now, to the next level of reality: Work
Well, at long last, I will be officially graduating from college on February 5. It took me (and Eric) two more terms before we get to graduate, but as he said, graduating late is worth it because we learnt something more.
Come to think of it, we "graduate" to the next level of reality that human beings have to face - there is childbirth, childhood (kindergarten to grade school or elementary), teens (high school to college), adulthood, old age and death. Right now, I am, like most of us in my batch, graduating into adulthood. Well, it can be somewhat synonymous to working, or independence, or self-discovery by one's own, or bumming around and letting the flow of life bring one to where "fate" or "destiny" leads one to. At the moment, i know that i will need to work soon, but I have been worrying a lot of what i will be doing, what my work will be. The fact that i haven't been able to lose weight at all makes me fear about having to wear a three-piece suit for business attire (as usually required in companies) and close shoes (which really hurt my feet). But that is just a very shallow reason. My other reason is that i am afraid that i won't be able to keep up with the job, especially if programming is expected of me. I am afraid that i won't be able to do what is expected of me, partly because i am not really a big "programming" fan. I do program, but i am not the best programmer.
Well, for sure we have to finish/polish the system/project/prototype for BAR before graduation [if not, Eric and I will try to finish it after grad, as fast as we could] and present it to the BAR management]. I just don't like the thought of trying to find a job when i know that Eric and I have to work on the system, and of course, i would still like to bum around a little while longer. But after that, I do have a few plans, though i am far from sure in following those: (1) work at Tzu Chi full-time for a six months (probationary period), after which i will decide if i will stay or move on somewhere else); (2) work in Canada even if it is a blue-collar job; (3) work in New York even if it's a blue-collar job and stay with my cousin in Brooklyn who is a nurse. Well, so far, these three are my "course of action" or "paths" to take. Of course, we know that i love to write, but the truth is, as i try to constantly remind myself as well, that writing alone will not be enough to support even myself. And i will surely have to end up facing my fear of having to program or work on something i don't like. I am just so idealistic that sometimes it is hard to let go of that dream, striving to reach something, though it would take a long time, or would take too much of my time, or never to be able to reach it at all, that it is hard to separate myself from the illusion that my mind has created for myself so that i could feel at peace but felt torn apart when brought back to reality, as i still can bring myself back to (and of which i fear i won't be able to go back to if i continue putting myself into my dreams, because it is somewhat holding me in a tight leash, stopping me from facing these "realities"). But that may not be the reason: I am probably stopping myself, creating all these idealistics pictures of what my life must be like, so that i can rationalize and procrastinate, if not stop myself, from facing these fears that i will eventually, and always, have to face. Or probably, i just don't want to let go of this part of life, afraiding to go, because of where it might live, limiting myself to what i can do, what i will do, what i will be. Decisions upon decisions upon decisions, lead to consequences upon consequences upon consequences - all of which make up our lives.
But i guess for now, i choose to still bum around. Though still harboring these fears within me, i still get to enjoy some peace of mind, intruded at times by these fears in a safe place for me, for the time being. I know I can't stay this way forever, but for now, i will make the most of it since i still can.
Come to think of it, we "graduate" to the next level of reality that human beings have to face - there is childbirth, childhood (kindergarten to grade school or elementary), teens (high school to college), adulthood, old age and death. Right now, I am, like most of us in my batch, graduating into adulthood. Well, it can be somewhat synonymous to working, or independence, or self-discovery by one's own, or bumming around and letting the flow of life bring one to where "fate" or "destiny" leads one to. At the moment, i know that i will need to work soon, but I have been worrying a lot of what i will be doing, what my work will be. The fact that i haven't been able to lose weight at all makes me fear about having to wear a three-piece suit for business attire (as usually required in companies) and close shoes (which really hurt my feet). But that is just a very shallow reason. My other reason is that i am afraid that i won't be able to keep up with the job, especially if programming is expected of me. I am afraid that i won't be able to do what is expected of me, partly because i am not really a big "programming" fan. I do program, but i am not the best programmer.
Well, for sure we have to finish/polish the system/project/prototype for BAR before graduation [if not, Eric and I will try to finish it after grad, as fast as we could] and present it to the BAR management]. I just don't like the thought of trying to find a job when i know that Eric and I have to work on the system, and of course, i would still like to bum around a little while longer. But after that, I do have a few plans, though i am far from sure in following those: (1) work at Tzu Chi full-time for a six months (probationary period), after which i will decide if i will stay or move on somewhere else); (2) work in Canada even if it is a blue-collar job; (3) work in New York even if it's a blue-collar job and stay with my cousin in Brooklyn who is a nurse. Well, so far, these three are my "course of action" or "paths" to take. Of course, we know that i love to write, but the truth is, as i try to constantly remind myself as well, that writing alone will not be enough to support even myself. And i will surely have to end up facing my fear of having to program or work on something i don't like. I am just so idealistic that sometimes it is hard to let go of that dream, striving to reach something, though it would take a long time, or would take too much of my time, or never to be able to reach it at all, that it is hard to separate myself from the illusion that my mind has created for myself so that i could feel at peace but felt torn apart when brought back to reality, as i still can bring myself back to (and of which i fear i won't be able to go back to if i continue putting myself into my dreams, because it is somewhat holding me in a tight leash, stopping me from facing these "realities"). But that may not be the reason: I am probably stopping myself, creating all these idealistics pictures of what my life must be like, so that i can rationalize and procrastinate, if not stop myself, from facing these fears that i will eventually, and always, have to face. Or probably, i just don't want to let go of this part of life, afraiding to go, because of where it might live, limiting myself to what i can do, what i will do, what i will be. Decisions upon decisions upon decisions, lead to consequences upon consequences upon consequences - all of which make up our lives.
But i guess for now, i choose to still bum around. Though still harboring these fears within me, i still get to enjoy some peace of mind, intruded at times by these fears in a safe place for me, for the time being. I know I can't stay this way forever, but for now, i will make the most of it since i still can.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Something came into mind....
November 26, 2004, Friday, 9:22 AM, DLSU Gokongwei Lobby
Actually, I lay awake last night, sleep eluding me for almost an hour. I prayed an earnest prayer, talking with God all about my plans and my fears in life. I feel like crying, but felt and thought that there is no point in doing so. But deep in my heart, I did cry, and in my mind, I saw all my fears come to life.
But facing each day is not that bad anymore, unless I am left to idly wait for some time, with my mind on the roll again. But things could be much worst. I have been to the other extreme, where death or the idea of death, as I take my own life, was just somewhere around the corner, or beside me, as I take every step and think every thought. Actually, it, death, is still somewhere near, only thing is, I got an invisible wall around me at this round, and God back into my life. Of course, I still think of death, but then, I also think of a lot of other things before it: life after college, life working, life with a family (my own) and that of immediate and extended family, life at old age, life with kids growing up, life with my parents growing old. You see, I think of so much things about the future, and at most points, I remember the past – some I prefer to forget but remember, most I would never want to forget and fearful of forgetting.
I would have died years ago, but the thing is, aside from my now best friend being there for me when I needed her the most during those times, I am afraid to die. I can’t even kill myself. I would hurt myself, orchestrate my own death, think of what to use and where to hurt myself, but I never did kill myself. What’s the use of wanting to die if I can’t even kill myself? Funny how things are, right?
And so now, aside from death, life continues to baffle me as I continue to live it. I am still clueless as to the finality of my personality, as a whole person; each facet and aspect of me yearns to find out who I am and was and will be, but the thing I want to know is, who am I? If I can’t decide or at least have an inkling of this, it is hard to discern who I will be and can be in the future. Perhaps, I am just afraid of what my decision of who I am will be? Possibly. Once I speak of it, and live it, there’s no turning back. I can change, but as always, it will be hard to change, especially if it is for the better. Too much friction, too much shame, too much horror, unless you have love for oneself, and the love and support of others. Others can change alone, but I am lucky to have others, even with me just taking these baby steps to changing, though I am still in the rut about myself.
Whatever our decision will be, it will be as it is. If I decide to go this way, I live my life accordingly to the consequences of that decision, either it be good or bad consequences. If I made a different decision, there are different consequences. But whatever decision we make, there will always be consequences that we have to live with, and most importantly, live through. I guess one would say, it is on how you have made the decision that matters, if you followed your principles or your circumstances, or otherwise. But whatever that decision might be, basing it on either good or bad principles or circumstances, once you make it, once you decide to do it and make and go on the first step, there is no turning back. Most of us don’t seem to notice these decisions, because it seemed so trivial, but when you look back, it wasn’t and isn’t trivial at all (well, in my case, it was this way). Of course, some just get detained in the same condition as they are now in, because they chose to or because I choose to. God has prepared our life, but we actually make the choices, the decision on things that we really can decide on so that we could learn, and then God unravels the rest, and the consequences. And I think, He prepares these consequences as our learning ground, taking some (people and/or things) and leaving some, our ups and downs. But whatever choice we make, though it may seem trivial, or so grave, depending on how you’ve learned to look at it, we do and must make the choice, and learn to trust God to be with us through the rest. We learn to endure through it all – most of us stumble and never get back on our feet, but a lot others, after stumbling step back up, one step at a time, with hands guiding them, with eyes, ears and all other senses (oh, let us not forget God). Rising up against shame, and becoming “new”, because we either learn something new, or continue to remain blinded, but be forever changed and affected by all these experiences.
So for now, I live my life day by day, though I still fear tomorrow every night. Each day brings happiness, joy, as well as sorrow, shame, anger, pain. At night, each fear crawling up to me. I guess, for me, these are my consequences, and I am learning to live with and through them day by day. This doesn’t seem like a proper ending, because I guess, each decision leads to a new beginning, and as it is said, death is also a new beginning, but with life, each moment is a beginning that you can make. After death… well, let’s worry about it after or when we are dead.
Actually, I lay awake last night, sleep eluding me for almost an hour. I prayed an earnest prayer, talking with God all about my plans and my fears in life. I feel like crying, but felt and thought that there is no point in doing so. But deep in my heart, I did cry, and in my mind, I saw all my fears come to life.
But facing each day is not that bad anymore, unless I am left to idly wait for some time, with my mind on the roll again. But things could be much worst. I have been to the other extreme, where death or the idea of death, as I take my own life, was just somewhere around the corner, or beside me, as I take every step and think every thought. Actually, it, death, is still somewhere near, only thing is, I got an invisible wall around me at this round, and God back into my life. Of course, I still think of death, but then, I also think of a lot of other things before it: life after college, life working, life with a family (my own) and that of immediate and extended family, life at old age, life with kids growing up, life with my parents growing old. You see, I think of so much things about the future, and at most points, I remember the past – some I prefer to forget but remember, most I would never want to forget and fearful of forgetting.
I would have died years ago, but the thing is, aside from my now best friend being there for me when I needed her the most during those times, I am afraid to die. I can’t even kill myself. I would hurt myself, orchestrate my own death, think of what to use and where to hurt myself, but I never did kill myself. What’s the use of wanting to die if I can’t even kill myself? Funny how things are, right?
And so now, aside from death, life continues to baffle me as I continue to live it. I am still clueless as to the finality of my personality, as a whole person; each facet and aspect of me yearns to find out who I am and was and will be, but the thing I want to know is, who am I? If I can’t decide or at least have an inkling of this, it is hard to discern who I will be and can be in the future. Perhaps, I am just afraid of what my decision of who I am will be? Possibly. Once I speak of it, and live it, there’s no turning back. I can change, but as always, it will be hard to change, especially if it is for the better. Too much friction, too much shame, too much horror, unless you have love for oneself, and the love and support of others. Others can change alone, but I am lucky to have others, even with me just taking these baby steps to changing, though I am still in the rut about myself.
Whatever our decision will be, it will be as it is. If I decide to go this way, I live my life accordingly to the consequences of that decision, either it be good or bad consequences. If I made a different decision, there are different consequences. But whatever decision we make, there will always be consequences that we have to live with, and most importantly, live through. I guess one would say, it is on how you have made the decision that matters, if you followed your principles or your circumstances, or otherwise. But whatever that decision might be, basing it on either good or bad principles or circumstances, once you make it, once you decide to do it and make and go on the first step, there is no turning back. Most of us don’t seem to notice these decisions, because it seemed so trivial, but when you look back, it wasn’t and isn’t trivial at all (well, in my case, it was this way). Of course, some just get detained in the same condition as they are now in, because they chose to or because I choose to. God has prepared our life, but we actually make the choices, the decision on things that we really can decide on so that we could learn, and then God unravels the rest, and the consequences. And I think, He prepares these consequences as our learning ground, taking some (people and/or things) and leaving some, our ups and downs. But whatever choice we make, though it may seem trivial, or so grave, depending on how you’ve learned to look at it, we do and must make the choice, and learn to trust God to be with us through the rest. We learn to endure through it all – most of us stumble and never get back on our feet, but a lot others, after stumbling step back up, one step at a time, with hands guiding them, with eyes, ears and all other senses (oh, let us not forget God). Rising up against shame, and becoming “new”, because we either learn something new, or continue to remain blinded, but be forever changed and affected by all these experiences.
So for now, I live my life day by day, though I still fear tomorrow every night. Each day brings happiness, joy, as well as sorrow, shame, anger, pain. At night, each fear crawling up to me. I guess, for me, these are my consequences, and I am learning to live with and through them day by day. This doesn’t seem like a proper ending, because I guess, each decision leads to a new beginning, and as it is said, death is also a new beginning, but with life, each moment is a beginning that you can make. After death… well, let’s worry about it after or when we are dead.
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