Prim and Proper...

the world of dreams and the world of thoughts are sometimes the best places to stay in, have we not have to come back to our bodies.  Anything is possible in the world.  Every inhibition released. Every fear conquered.  We can be who we are, and who we want to be.  We can run free, because we remove all obstructions.  Even if there are obstructions, we are able to get past them.  Such is the power.  But alas, whenever we open our eyes, and realize that we are back in the world of Physical structures, we feel tied down.  Tied down by unseen forces, as intangible as our thoughts.  Our very thoughts can be the very chains that prevents us from moving.  Fear.

I live my life within the lines of prim and proper.  Most of us are brought up that way.  Within our civil society, we act the way we were taught.  If we are out of line, we are rebuked, criticized, and re-taught.  Just to keep us in place.  In line to please everybody else.

I talk to myself thinking,"but this is just to show respect and equality to others".  Is it really that way?  If i am not as society sees fit, but i am not doing anything wrong to hurt anybody, will i not be treated with respect and equality?  we already know the answer to that.

Has our education really been there to improve us, or was it just to keep us within bounds, at a leash?  Conditioning?

If we were to live a simple life, free of the complexities of a prim and proper society, i wonder how it will be like. WIthout all the written and unwritten rules and beliefs.  With knowledge, we can end up creating more opportunities, or more barriers.  Usually, they are usually opportunities that causes barriers to everyone else.

as with every single moment, every single day, I wonder when will it be time that I will choose to be me.  I pray and wish that i can be allowed to be.  But i know that there are so many repercussions to such an action.  Do i really need to go away from here, so that i can be free to be myself?  Am i just deluding and disillusioning myself? Or is it really possible?  Or am i just thinking too much, hoping that my ideal and perfect world can actually come into reality?  I wish to consolidate both together.  I want to make it possible in both worlds, because i exist in both worlds.  Because I exist.  Is there any other reason to be?

I believe at some point in our lives, we did live as we are.  as we gained more, we wore them.  we bragged. we became insecure. to be seen as perfect and "valuable", we decided to live prim and proper so as to be accepted.  to keep a sense of security that we will not be thrown out and set aside towards the outskirts.  It is a universal truth that learning more doesn't mean you're better than others. Knowledge without wisdom is deadly to our Existence and our Universe, to our Being.  Wisdom is hardest to gain, because we have been taught to be afraid, to only stick to what knowledge taught us. So we end up with just one-sided understanding.  What does it really mean to understand oneself and others?  Even understanding can be different because of our differing perceptions.  The only way to break through this, is to truly open and broaden our hearts and minds - towards whatever is unknown to us.  Because when we reach towards the unknown, we come to tap into something vast and new.  the Unknown becomes Known, and we continue on growing.  Our hearts and minds can handle it. We will not lose ourselves.  It is possible.  Our souls are as vast as our Universe and knows no bounds, even if we are physically limited in so many ways.

I do wish we can all live simply, truthfully, honestly.  That we live prim and proper not because we have to please the people around us so that we will be accepted into the status quo and be treated equally. That we live prim and proper because we do so out of our own free will, with true respect for others and for ourselves, regardless of who we are, what are level in society is, what our race, our religion, our educational and financial levels be.   We are nice because we truly are, not because we need to be.

Tears and Blessings

I find myself crying over a lot of things lately. Actually, I noticed this about myself since last year.

I used to cry when i was hurt, sad.  At one point, even if i wanted to cry, i couldn't even shed a tear.  it all got bottled inside me.  the only way i could really go on and let all my tears out was to watch really sad movies, especially those of deep love and death.  the waterworks wouldn't even stop, and i leave my pillows soaked with tears.  I even find it a little awkward crying that much over a movie.  but at least i got to cry them out.  and that means, something inside me can still be reached, that my heard still hasn't hardened that much.

Lately, I've been shedding tears not just for sadness.  I have also cried out of joy, in appreciation of the good things and the blessings that come my way.  it is usually after some new experiences or an ordeal. never the less, i realize that the experience let me learn so much, and i have so much to be thankful for.  gratitude, love, and happiness - all rolled in together - also makes me well up with so much emotion that i cry.  I am glad that i can cry for joy - because it shows me that i am still alive to be able to live through them, experience them, and be thankful about it.  It may also show that i am getting old, and getting soft and mushy inside more and more... Yet, getting old but still being able to enjoy my life - both the good and the bad side by side - even just in the little things, means that my life here on earth has not been wasted.  I can still feel a lot of emotions, and I'm happy that i can still connect with all these emotions instead of just sadness and despair, hate and anger.  That I am not locked inside the grasps of negativity, hate, anger, despair and regret.  Rather, that I am to walk forward with my life even with all these, even if it is not the picture-perfect life that i've envisioned for myself.  That at some point, i am able and will still be able to feel fulfillment, even in just the little things.  i may not have the perfect life, but who does? And even if it is not perfect, i am able to make the most of it, at my own pace, at my own timing.   Broadening my scope, expanding my views - both in heart, mind, soul.  I am still learning, but in doing so, growing more and more with wisdom, calmness and peace.  At the same time, growing to understanding myself and loving myself more and more.  Our shadows will always be with us.  But a new day comes and we are able to start anew again, one step at a time.

Today, it was a simple Easter Sunday spent with family.  We went on a short trip to Laguna.  We had lunch together, and actually spent the rest of the afternoon with my nephew.  Most of the activities are geared toward him enjoying the day - feeding the koi fishes in the pond (to which he showered the fishes with food pellets, emptying the food packs in a jiffy), taking a short boat ride, listening to music, playing on the ipad, having him take a nap while in my arms (this is very much a first) and him staying with me even after that, walking and running together around hand in hand, just talking, eating together, playing together, watching tv together.  I am glad to see that he had enjoyed being in my company, as he said that he and I are friends.  Hearing that from him, realizing that he enjoyed our time and company together, gave me this sweet and content feeling. I always felt that i am not my nephew's favorite person, but today, he welcomed me into his sphere of trust openly - the way only children can do so easily and wholeheartedly. That as we all grow old, his love for us is growing too, and that he knows our love for him will always be there for him.  He knows that we have his back.

I am thankful for today's realizations, because i feel really blessed today for what we have today.  I also gave a quick yet deep-felt prayer of thanks for the blessings of (1) being able to enjoy a beautiful day, (2) being able to appreciate blessings of all shapes and sizes, (3) being able to have family and friends that I love around me, (4) being able to continue to love the people that I love with all my heart, and (5) being alive to realize all these blessings, even after all the darkness that i've walked through.  Without living this life, I doubt that i'll be able to experience all these.  So it is okay to cry, especially if your heart and soul are crying because of all the gifts being given to us.  Crying doesn't always mean you're sad or in pain; Tears and Blessings can also come side by side.

Living Lives

Yes, Lives.

I am living more than one life. Every single day.

When I wake up in the morning, staring at the window before me, blinds folded downwards as it covers the new day from me.  I ask myself, "Another day. Here we go again."  I walk past the bathroom mirror, straight to the toilet. Drugged by sleep, still hanging on to my dream.  Reality strikes again, as pinch by pinch of wakefulness forces my eyes to clear up.  I stand up, and finally look at the mirror. "Yes. You."

I look at my watch, "Darn, I'm running late again."  Grabbing my toothbrush, putting some toothpaste on it, and finally placing it into my mouth as i walk towards the shower.  "Will I make it in time? Oh, just start and take a bath."  While doing so, I flow back into consciousness.  All the unspoken thoughts rush in my head.  I continue in my own personal mental conversation - past, present, future.  I then noticed, "I'm finally done."  I walk out of the shower, and get dressed. Piece by piece, and then i look at myself again, "What? Are we done?"

I slowly open the blinds, letting the light flow in.  It can sunny outside, or gloomy.  It doesn't matter.  I look out, as I button my blouse.  I put on my pants.  "What am I doing?"  I walk back and put my vest.  Yes, complete uniform.  I then sit down on my bed and stare out of the window. I run all my thoughts in my head, talking to myself silently again.  Sometimes it can be so nice and relaxing, as i relive memories.  Sometimes freakish and fanatical, as I make sure of so many things - about myself, about this life.  "I am sure." "Are you really really sure?" "Is it Time?"  I sigh.  Another look at my watch tells me I am now really really late.

I remove the towel from my head, ruffling my hands through my hair to brush it.  I grab my bag and walk out of the room.  Daily routine.  Breakfast. Filling my water bottles.  Then walking out of the house to the car.

Once in the car, my mental conversation continues.  It is as real as what is happening before our eyes.  Real because I expressed my dreams, fears and honest thoughts.  Real because i pray and wish and all else.  As I drive on, controlling the steering wheel with my left hand and switching the gear shift with my right, I give another sigh. "I really want to go where my dreams are.  Why am I still here, doing this?  Why don't I have the courage to do what I want?  Money. Family. What will they think of me?"  I drive on.  I take a different route now.  To lengthen my driving time, giving me more time to "run".  I deserve that much, to make more time for myself to get ready to be back at work.

Timing in, I smile at the guard.  If i don't talk to anybody at home during the mornings, they wouldn't know who i really am.  Because I am only real to myself, to God, and to my Beloved.  Everybody else, they get another part of me.  It is also real, as real as society would allow me to be, with all the stops and controls.  This is my other life.  One of the many variations, maybe.

Life in the office.  Life at home.  Life outside both of these two.  Life with God and the Universe on my own.  Life with my Beloved.

So many lives.

I wish to persist with my existence as with Life with my Beloved.  With my Beloved, Time doesn't seem to move.  But it does.  It creates both a great deal of difference, and at the same time retains so many things unchanged.  You move forward even without changing too much.  You change somewhat and things can move as if left unchanged. It is both a bubble of moving time as well as retained Time.

But when in my other lives, this persistence i always keep in check.

Yet I do hope one day, really really soon, I can collect all these Lives together, and unify them into one.    No need for these and that Life.  Just this one Life.  The Life I choose to be I, and in every moment of that existence, I will not question myself, but question, "Why not?"  And just keep on moving and Living.  That is what I am striving for, plain and simple - truthful Living.