Counting away the hours....

Yes, I am. :) Still at work, though am done with the tasks at hand for the day. :) Just waiting for the "work day" to end, and to come back here on January 2 next year.

I guess there are a lot of people out there who will be staying at home tonight - like me who has no plans, but i do want to go out. I dunno....

I just got a call from my sister, asking me if i can leave work earlier. Thing is, i asked my co-worker/supervisor and she said that it was okay. :) cool! :) i already informed my sis, though i don't know what their plans are (she's out with my mom).

But earlier this afternoon, i was asking a couple of my closest friends if they have plans for the evening. One hasn't replied. The other told me that she has a party for the night. Well, i can say that both will be having something to do for tonight. Which led me to think, "What will i be doing for the next week?" I do know that i have to burn the files created during our Beijing stay into cds, each receiving a certain number of CDs from me, depending on how much files they have with me. I haven't done anything about it in the last 5 months. :) I do hope that i'll finish it before the year ends - that would be before or on the 31st. :) Well, there's the "mountain" of books that i haven't read yet. :) I always have this feeling of wanting to read. but at times, i just don't want to keep starting reading books that i'll end up not finishing. I'd rather read one at a time and then finish it. And that is why i haven't been reading for the past couple of months. Write, hmmm.... i know that i think a lot, so there definitely is a lot to write about. But at the moment, i prefer not to think a lot anymore, because it is shaking me crazily out of control from deep down my core of sanity. Even the small things make me think a lot, when it shouldn't at all. It feels like i am losing myself. i watch myself too closely now. So much for being obsessive-compulsively obsessive-compulsive. But should i just let myself go and lose myself? Hmmm..... to be like water, and to let water wash lose all those that should go away, to let go. Empty tranquil mind is better than completely bothered mind over something that i shouldn't even be worrying about.... Well, i could also go out, and finally fulfill my "planned" field trip to *beep*. :D Either on my own or with a friend. (I still want to go out and spend time with you, but then, if there's no specific date that you're willing to give, then that just means that now's not the right time yet... am i still doing "IT"? i guess.... so, oh well.... smile, smile, smile! :D) Or if i could go somewhere else for a longer drive. :) Time alone.... or time with a special loved one. Whatever.... :D I should also probably stop thinking and "talking" to myself too much in my mind. It's been getting me all bundled up and crazy for the past months. the unending cycles of conversations in my head that sometimes feel all so real, that it feels like i am talking out loud and people could hear it, when in fact, it's all just in my head! Yes, all the more harder to stop because it is all in my head and i am the only one who can really stop it, the only one that i can only believe in to tell me that it is all just in my head - therefore i have to trust myself on this, or i'll end up going crazy due to fear of my own uncontrollable mind.

Actually, what i did just now is write, right? :) hehe :) What changes are in store for me next year? :) Will i get through it this year? I believe so.... Have been alive and kicking for the 12 years since i started being like this. Next year will be the 13th year. Well, i am still going through it, am i not? :) i did survived that long, what's a couple more years until i finally get over it? [i do hope that i'll find a way to get over it, slowly but surely as well. :) and without hurting myself and losing the people i love in the proces.] Ah, my mind....

Is there anything else to do? Just texting here and there... tapping my fingers over the keyboard. If one has not even replied, and the other not replying anymore, consider them both not replying. And if i didn't mind the other not texting, i shouldn't mind the other not texting back anymore. Still one's mind. Empty. Free. Peaceful. Yeah...

Pretty gloomy outside. Seems like it's going to rain but the rain is not falling. and the wind.... and i am still here, waiting...

Happy holidays?

Yes, it is a question. A lot of people are telling me that this year, at this time of the year, it doesn't feel like christmas. For me, it doesn't as well. But does it matter? Does this point out something? I guess I'd rather not delve deeper into the matter, or else I will end up thinking a lot again, and who knows where that will lead me again. Thinking seems so real to me - it's like I am having a real conversation with myself, in my head, and at times i think i thought that i am saying what I am thinking out loud when in fact it is just the voice of my mind. Of course, since it is all in my head, i hear my own thoughts, but to think that i might be saying it out loud, now, that's my problem. So, I keep reminding myself: keep mind silent. I don't need to think, because my thinking too much leads to all of these "worries"/anxiety/fear, and I just get all worked up into this constricted person inside. Paranoia... Feels like I am losing my mind, losing myself...

Well, for today, I don't have much to do. We just have until tomorrow to come in for work for this month, and work starts again on January 2 next year. A co-worker will be delegating work to me later, that is after she gets it done. So, am left to spend my own time for now. To think of it, I should have brought over the book on Zen that I am trying to finish. Actually, I do something else to do: to update the list of titles of the Master Talk shown every day and to do the inventory of the DVDs that i am asked to keep track of every week. But I am saving that, or else I wouldn't have anything else to do tomorrow. Almost half of the people who work here are at Albay for the medical and relief mission; if not, they are out of the country. So, imagine, office staff slashed to half for this week, then for Saturday, it is slashed to half again. So you see, nothing much to do anymore, really. :D For the last few days, i have been asking for things that i can do, to help others out since they are pretty much busier than i am. So there, if not for that, i will be a very idle person here, who is left to do a lot of thinking which is bad for my overall health - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

I am pretty hungry now, munching on the "hopia" pastry i brought over from China. Well, it's gonna go bad after 10 days, so better eat it anyway. :)

I haven't been doing much reading or writing lately, more like since the end of October. To many things to do or i am too lazy after work. :) Though i still buy books when i find some that i really like and am interested to read.

Well, for now, a job. :) so, gotta go! :) Later! :)