remembering...

the beauty or profoundness of life... we try to express them but fall short of it, as it is with the expression of love and other emotions. what we feel, at most times we know we comprehend and want to share, but with the incapability of sharing that exact "thing" about it, we are either left with too much awe or with too much disappointment. but nonetheless, we would aspire to find a way to reach out and share it with other people, such as the case with movies, books, music and a lot more. to share the beauty, the gravity, the breadth and depth, and all else unexplainable but of which makes us human.

been watching two movies today, both on HBO. first was titled "The Valley of Light", of which i ended up thinking of what i wrote above. the next one was "Stepmom". Yes, it left me with eyes filling up with tears... i just wanted to cry. of course, there were a lot of parts in which i cried, but that one part that i remembered is that of which Susan Sarandon's character, Jackie, was spending her last christmas with her children, her ex-husband and his new wife Isabel, played by Julia Roberts. Jackie was talking with her daughter, and she was saying that the memories of people who pass away live on in the people who keep these memories and these people dear and alive in their hearts. i have one such experience. a family friend of ours passed away of cancer some three years ago, on December 13, 2004. every time i remember her, and see her face in my mind's eyes, i can't help but cry. i miss her, i can say. i know that she has already passed on, but i just can't help crying. we have somewhat moved on, as everybody is living their lives, yet of course, when one takes the time to remember, of course, the loss of such a good person just makes us miss her so. but she continues to live in all of us whose life she's touched or has been a big part of. i went to attend the dinner thing for her 3rd death anniversary. at first, i didn't want to go, but in the end i went with my dad as well. actually, it didn't seem like a death anniversary; it is more of a gathering of people who loved her and continue to love her in our hearts. there were so many people, and one can say that the atmosphere is positive. i guess i was observing myself - my thoughts and my feelings - and others around me. now, it popped into my mind that it has become not the celebration of her death, but the celebration of the life that she had lived with love for all of us, all of us who has come to remember her as she has touched our lives. such a gift, i can say. and i am glad that i decided to go. :)

such beautiful music... check www.davidbyrne.com/radio i am listening to it from iTunes (hope it's not making the internet slower for my brother, hehe :))

today seems to be a day of feeling "balanced". not really completely balanced, but i just feel like so - somewhat at peace with myself. of course, there were points and moments during the day that i felt flushed, irritated, worried, and what more, but i am glad that as of the present moment, i am okay. can you say that i am relaxed? in a way. it's easier to let go today. of course i can't say the same for tomorrow. let's just see.

i miss her. definitely do. but i am also amazed in that i am able to resist the gnawing inside me. not that i don't want to see her, but then it has just become easier not to give in. there is still the longing, but there is also the waiting. i don't want to push her, because to push her is to push myself as well - pushing myself to expect all these twisted "illusions" of mind that i end up making it harder for myself, to suffer in my own "illusions", especially if they don't come into reality and i end up so sad and disappointed. i told her that i feel like i have to back off. not that because she is in a stage in her life, but also because i have to back off for myself, so that i don't just throw myself into the endless tossing of the strong waves of my thoughts, spiraling they may be - endless that it sucks me in if i continue to push, claw and hold on to it.

i wonder if we will meet again real soon. i wonder if i did or said something wrong. but i know that i will never know, and i guess it is suffice to trust myself that i know that i did nothing and said nothing wrong, because i would never want to hurt her, even how twisted my mind can get - i know it in my heart, even when i get so negative, i will always want to protect her. i am always looking for answers and explanations, so that i can be ready when the hurt and the pain comes. but then, based from previous experiences that i am seeing in mind again, these also shows me that it can create this web that confuses me and that can eventually lead me towards that destruction of this relationship that i so cherish. my insecurities and my negative thoughts eventually led to the end of previous relationships, what more to this one if i continue letting myself go through that spiral again.