If i try to remember from way back.... from way back into the start... before being born into this world.... all i can remember is nothingness. It is quiet. It is also still in my heart. I can't see way beyond that, just as i can't peer past into the future.
Once you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, it's really hard to deny what you feel and how you are thinking about things in your life. Even if the day-to-day and the moment-to-moment happenings seem something as small as what you see, what color the sky is right at this moment, what you are feeling... you just can't deny that you can feel, hear, see and understand them all. Before being aware, you can easily be blind to it all. You can easily shut yourself within your own dark walls and stay away from it all. But after you've awaken your awareness, it is hard to lie to oneself. When you try to go on doing things the other way as you want it to, even if you know it will end the way you don't want it to despite wishing that it would still end in the best outcome possible, you end up regretting it because you chose to ignore what you truly did feel deep within you - in your heart and soul, as they speak to your mind directly. You know that you have to listen to yourself, but you chose not to. Of course, you end up being regretful and ashamed of not being there for yourself, but you learn from this, and you move on, growing and learning from these experiences.
I can feel all these thoughts running in my head; I can also feel the rush of different emotions that starts swirling here and there in my chest. I am aware of them all. And sometimes, i can be swept up by the strong current of these thoughts, by these feelings, or at times by both - a tidal wave of numbing proportions that leaves me paralyzed with fear. But more or less, in "ordinary" days, it's humbling to observe these thoughts and feel these emotions. You learn to be true and to be honest with yourself, and at the same time, start to acknowledge that we can be mean to others, even in just the simplest of thoughts. We may not say them out loud, but they're there - judging. When i feel myself judging, i remind myself that i am no different from them at all because i am Human, and i am not Perfect, yet I am who I am, with no need to change myself to hide my true nature. and even if i do hide those imperfections, it is with knowing that i yearn to change for the better by using those imperfections as grounds to improve myself and be a better person, not just for myself. Because when we do change, the effects of the(se) changes within us will ripple out towards those around us. They can feel the difference too. Just like when sadness can be felt by others and repel others to stay away, or when happiness/joy infects other people around to feel that light, warm feeling, these changes, no matter how subtle, can be picked up by another's heart, soul, being. We cannot deny that, unless we choose to be blind, unless we choose not to see even when we know it's there. Just like what i've read, it's like we call on this "fog" to obscure the real reflection from the mirror, distorting the truth or creating illusions.
Just this afternoon, i can remember feeling jealous, protective, happy, sad, afraid, caring, loving, judgmental, humbled, positive, negative, empowered, powerless, thankful, confused and unfocused, centered... These are a myriad of emotions, but i feel one or more of these at a certain moment, on its own or in combinations i cannot even name. In every second and each passing moment, my feelings change from one form to another, from one mood to another. Just imagine how thoughts were and are going through in my mind. It's like the flicker of the candle light, swaying to the flow of the wind - moving from side to side, shrinking, or suddenly bursting out in great heights - the wick burning slowly, or fast, due to the wax and oil that continue to feed its flames. We certainly cannot remove the wax(body) nor the wick(life). We live through it, until it ends, and we move on to another plane or back.
We learn to live with what we have in each reincarnation of our lives, and hopefully find contentment and peace by making peace and amends with ourselves and then with others, accepting who we are ourselves and then learning to accept and respect others. We yearn to truly "connect" with others, to find that "connection", but we must first "reconnect" from within ourselves. Hopefully, in the process, we find the answers from within and learn how we can be of benefit to others and to the Universe, even in our most singular form, in the most minute detail of Time and Space. Yes, these can sound so idealistic, and really hard to do, but it is achievable, as long as we do it with our heart and soul, and with the best of intentions. Never forget to be aware of your intentions in every action, in every thought, and in every word that comes from you.
Of course, being aware can be really hard at times, because you definitely know that you're sad or confused, and you're unable to help it but to just let it be. There will be days like that, just as there will be days when it is just so peaceful and calm, filled with happiness and contentment that all you can do is smile from your heart, from the inside out. :) Of course, it all depends on how you choose how to live each moment: lonely and bitter, or calm and humbled. :) We choose, we decide. So remember, you have that choice too. You always did have it, and you still do. :)