A first and very "eventful" year in my life

in the last 26 years of my life, this 27th seems to be the most "event-filled" year. i don't know what will be coming in the years to follow, but certainly a lot has happened. comparing all that has happened below with the past 26 years, except starting from my 23rd or 24th year of existence in this world, life has been pretty dark for me. i had always thought cynically about stuff, always saw things at one dimension, carried a chip on my shoulder, burdening my heart with so many so-called heartaches, encircled and surrounded by my own fears and insecurities, thought that i was protected by keeping to my own, despite all the anger, despite all the fear, despite all the longing, despite all the sadness and despair, despite the loneliness, despite the "darkness" of it all....

First was the intention that i made this year towards growth in all aspect in my life. I think this started the chain of events, started the ball rolling... :)

Second, the change in my mom - in that she sorts of allows me to go to where i want when i tell her about, like she's is loosening her gripping hold on me.

Third, the sudden death of my paternal grandfather. We were just coming back from a family trip in Macau that very day. I believe my grandpa was just waiting for us to be back, safe and sound. He left the next day. But upon his leaving, somehow, "our" family (both immediate and among relatives) makes more effort to come together. :) "Angkong" is still watching us, i believe, smiling and enjoying a few tricks and jokes up his sleeves for us. :) For most, he is a kind and generous person. Within most of the family, he was strict yet loving. For me, i felt he wanted me to remember him this way, different in some ways from the others: loving and sweet, soft and kind, caring but not overbearing, affectionate when nobody is looking(but serious, self-confident and controlled most of the time when in front of others), seriously caring for the lives and the future of his family and descendants(sons and daughters, grandchildren and more great grandchildren, relatives, friends). And six months after his death, I am realizing that one thing about my angkong is true, even after death and in the after-life: he is a jokester at heart. Have fun, angkong. :) We are laughing with you. :) hahahahaha :)

Fourth, i was sick with dengue and was hospitalized for a week. Almost close to death at one point, i wonder what it is that are still in my life that i have to work towards for, my purpose. i've been relatively healthy all through my life, except in the first year of my birth and for the certain times in my life that my body was internally weak. Money truly cannot buy love, time and life; through the love people have for me, relatives, friends and co-workers donated blood for me so that the platelet can be extracted and be transfused to me. Thank you very much. The fact that i am living now is proof of your selfless love and care. :) Also, this gave me a new-found realization and gratitude for my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends, co-workers and all the people that surround me and are around me, near and far, in the circles and orgs i belong, and even those from outside those. :) We are truly a part of each other's lives, interconnected.

Fifth, i was stranded in the office due to the worst flooding yet in philippine history brought by "Ondoy".... not wanting it to be repeated, yet i found myself positive in that "mini-ordeal", that there is something to learn or that there is always a purpose to what is happening. i also learned that i was able to see it in a different light instead of being all negative, sad and complaining about it. i actually met and got to know someone new. even there, i felt warm and protected. and yes, after that day, the sun did come to shine again, welcoming a new day, and a new start/beginning.

Sixth, in this world, i am thankful and grateful that there are people like you who can understand me, much more than other people do. there are only a few of you who can easily understand and relate to me. i am often misunderstood, or seen as too deep or too serious about life. i guess at some point i am. :) but still, without you and some few others, i would only have writing to turn towards to, but that wouldn't be enough. i still need human interaction, even if only for the briefest time. to know that someone understands me, accepts me... whatever, whoever and however i may be... is a gift.... there is nothing i can do about people who don't understand me. but i can be thankful for having people who do understand me, and are there for me. :)

Seventh, i will be taking my real first trip ever on my own. I'll be flying to Bangkok and spending a week there. I am paying for all the expenses of the trip by myself. :) That's a first. :) Spending my hard-earned money for myself. :) It feels like some sort of independence in a lot of aspects. :) and i'll get to revisit and explore Thailand again(through and with myself, first and foremost, making it a very special and personal trip), and most importantly, see my Thai friends once again. :)

And Eighth, i am thankful and grateful to family, relatives and friends who continue to have faith in me, believe in the goodness and strength and me, and accept my imperfections as well together with the whole. Thank you for listening, advising and encouraging. Thank you for explaining, and for being frank and truthful. The truth hurts, but we learn from it. :) Thank you for being You. Your words of kindness, truth and honesty when speaking to me and when speaking/sharing about me to/with others help contribute in helping and letting others "see" me in a different perspective when they used to just usually see me in a negative light.

I may sometimes feel somewhat down and depressed, confused and listless, worried and paranoid, tired and unnerved. But this doesn't stop me anymore from looking at the bright side and the silver lining, from hoping and dreaming of and for the future, and from appreciating the reason why we are where we are and why these things happen to us. Each moment has a reason. Each moment a lesson. A small bleep in the vastness of our life, our spirt and our universe, yet every seemingly small speck of activity affects a lot of things which we most of the time are blinded to or just don't notice at all. :)

Good day, Everybody. May you be blessed. May you be safe. May you be well. Always. :)

Note:

There is actually a Ninth that i forgot to mention: This year, i was able to reconnect with friends or people that i wanted to get to know way back in high school. There are two of them, both upperclassmen, but they are really nice and great people. i really wanted to get to know them better back then, but i was myself occupied with my self-pity and insecurity, and they were also in something of their own as well. Meeting them again this year, after almost 10 years i think, and being able to talk to them, enjoying our conversation and each others' company is truly something to be happy about. It is as if we are given another, or rather, the right chance and opportunity to get to know each other after we got to do some of our own growing. :) If I am allowed to say it, i believe that the Universe brought our paths together again because the "Now" now is the right time. If we got to get to know each other back then, the outcome could have been different. But now that we are both "ready" ourselves and ready to meet, it's like the Universe brought us together once again so that we can start a friendship anew through this meeting. It's like, or rather, it is the perfect timing. and i believer there is a reason for each and every thing that has happened to us. We are each different yet also the same in who and how we were back then and who and how we are right now. :)

Wait.... Sit.... Simmer..... Boil..... Voila!

"simmer within the deep bowls of chaos/confusion and self-reflection... and when it comes to a boil, at the right time and at the right moment, the cover is opened up and removed, releasing the fresh aroma of understanding, acceptance and peace that you have found and discovered within yourself, waiting to be broken free from its hiding place within you."

"opened too soon, and you learn you should have had waited. opened too early, and realizing it, you wait within the cover and the pressure. opened too late, and you may end up dried up, rancid and gone bad, tired and desolute, cynical, depressed, wasted, feeling unworthy, dark and powerless, lifelessness staring out of your eyes..."

this is the tv ad that brought my attention to WFP(World Food Programme)



They have more youtube videos here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/WORLDFOODPROGRAM

or better yet, visit their website at www.wfp.org

We can help change the world for the better - one day, one moment, one action, one kindness, at a time. Each done truly and deeply from the heart. One at a time. :) It matters. :) All we have to do is to take that step. :) The Power of One. :) You just never know how far one act of kindness goes. :) It goes a long, long way. :)

Let's help start helping one billion. Let's pay it forward, and share this to the world. :)

do you sometimes feel stuck in your body? does your soul feel that it is jailed inside its physical vessel? it feels like that at times.

time seems to be moving on. not that i am not glad to be alive, after needing a platelet transfusion because of dengue. well, that is how time is. silly me. :))

but you know, for you and me, it seems like we're not getting old and such. but now, when i see my nephew grow bigger and taller each day, walking and trying to learn to do new things by himself, you kinda feel that you are actually really "getting older". compared to his continuous growth, we kinda seem to be "stuck" in this growth. we don't grow physically anymore, except in that we grow "old". Physically, some aspects will change up until old age and death, but also, changes will abound in what we do with our bodies. I hope that "inside" - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally - our growth is not stunted either, but rather, continuing to grow and evolve despite what has already stopped in the physical process(in some way).

Just sharing what was in my mind the other night. I did feel somewhat stuck, that most adults feel stuck at where they are right now, in whatever aspect you can think of. You can say that sometimes, it is a physical matter. yet there are also times that it is not the body at all but rather our hearts, our minds or our souls that are bound shut.

Good day, everybody. :)

Beautiful Portraits

This guy is amazing. Each one of us is truly given a gift - something that we are truly good at, something that we really love and enjoy doing, something that makes us feel good and makes others feel good and happy as well, something that we hone our whole lives to become better and better, something that we work hard on no matter what others may think, and at some point, truly a life force that helps us go on and persevere, no matter what. :) Please view his website. :)

http://www.theportraitart.com/index.html

http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePortraitArt

Here's a sample of the portraits he draws.



Note: This image is not mine. I don't take credit for the image, and the sole use of this one image is to share the artist's gift of beauty in art - I am posting it here on my blog so that i can show others why you should see more at his website. I add this note to this entry so as to ward off any thoughts of and on plagiarism/copyright and the like legal claims, on my part and those of others. The owner of ThePortraitArt has full rights to his portraits/images.

Nice Read. :) Thank you, Drew. :) I really like this. :)


http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/30/can-do/

One of these days...

There are days when you feel raw..... raw inside and out...... it would start some little simple irks, when you feel hurt. You try to let it go, but it seems to stick in your mind. And at point during that period, you just want to fully feel the sadness, and to fill up some of the emptiness that you suddenly feel. You indulge yourself deep into something not of you, something external like music, writing, or just plain keeping to your own. You are aware of all of these, but you seem not to care at all. Today, it feels like nobody cares, and so wouldn't you. you wouldn't care. you wouldn't talk. you will just let them be on their own and not mind them. but truly, you want them to realize how you are feeling without telling them, by way of the coldness you send their way. You want them to have a dose of their own medicine. Like now, even how much i care for this friend of mine, what they did felt to me like a disregard.... so i moved away.... they didn't care. and so, i chose not to care as well. i believe, i am trying to wrap myself in my own space and create walls around me, by closing my ears to listen to music so that i wouldn't hear the world beyond the invisible walls of music i created, and by emitting vibes around my space, sending out signals to stay out if you don't really care at all.

i immersed myself into music. but it wasn't enough, and finally i delved into writing this down. Writing always has a calming effect to me, if not, it makes me go crazy with thinking. Music seems to amplify my feelings though. But it doesn't matter, emotions do get amplified at times, and in a good way, just as long you don't get hurt, you don't hurt other people, and you are able to keep it and release it all by yourself with no casualties whosoever, wheresoever, whensoever, whatsoever. it helps it live itself out, to wear itself out. i've been pretty much calm the past few months, and am thankful for that. so, that means i am bound to get moody at times, just like today, after such a long while. i am human after all. But at least now i am aware, in that i'd rather keep it on my own, instead of lashing out, and being productive in the process. :) a different way of handling things, instead of reacting badly immediately. :)

and hey, don't i feel better now? :)

Update:
Actually, like after half an hour, i realized that i may be "angry"/irked at a different other than my officemate. and so, i even took the first step to talk with her again. the truth is she didn't even know. :) hahahah :) so while my ears were plugged with earphones, she was talking to me (all of which she forgot about when i asked her what she told me while i was not listening) but of course i didn't hear a simple thing. though she did wonder then why i weren't answering. so when i told her that i was listening to music instead, she said, "that figures." though now, a part of me regrets doing so because i didn't hear what she wanted to share with me. you have to note though that she didn't even had an idea or an inkling that i was angry. hahah :) shows us that when we are angry or irritated, we do stupid things that we regret when we should have just let it be. :)) oh well. :)