Life Affirmations

I have finished reading my friends article here at his site:
http://bodhishilta.multiply.com/journal/item/6/Call_of_the_Mystical_Conch_Shell_Total_Solar_Eclipse_in_Cancer

I felt the urge to write the following. It was just supposed to be a comment, but i ended up sharing more. :D

Here is the actual text that i wrote:

Hi Ish. :) as always, i enjoy reading your articles, and more especially so because you write straight to the point, each paragraph unfolding fluidly from one to the next. and they do come in at the right time, re-affirming some of the things i have went and been going through.

Pretty much, you can say, my life from when i was younger up to like 4 years ago, it's been pretty much the same. Not that i am complaining, mind you, for financially, i need not anything much. What i wanted, i can save for. Yet, i've always been looking for something, and you can say felt empty. Always seeking love. In short, i always felt something missing, especially unable to express my true love and feelings to the people i care for. I write, even back then, but i keep my writings and share it with only a special few.

Four years ago, i went to study abroad. It's a nice liberating feeling, especially since i found and realized that i am able to care for myself and there is so much people i met. I studied for another term, and i guess things were set into motion during that time, opening up to more experiences, learning new stuff and ideas, meeting much more people and getting the world more. It also involved being woken up from my Soul's deep slumber, after being set aside and put to sleep during my high school years. You can say that the repressed thirst for my spiritual journey has been quenched, and still continues to be nourished. I have finally started to even tend to my own Spiritual growth and journey.

But when i got back after a year of studying, i suddenly fell into this deep paranoia and confusion. Feelings of inadequacy made itself more known, fear gripped my heart, mind and soul that at times i even found myself unable to move. So much fear, i believe, and it also led to so much rage. It felt like hell to be in, to have to undergo that every single day. I didn't want to wake up - i just wanted to sleep and live in my dreams, where i was able to do more for myself, with no limitations at all.

But a year ago, things also started to change. It was as if i was purging all these emotional poisons out, initiated by the loss of a friendship. From it, i was able to finally actually understand what my cousin have been telling me all along - that i am the only one who can help myself. Because starting from there, i picked up the pieces of my heart, of my life. I picked up those that i choose to keep - learnings, experiences, memories - and have learned to let go off of the other pieces in my life back to the Universe. Something ended, but another started anew. It was the ongoing journey of my awakening. Awakening is such a big word, but i believe i am allowed to use it as it is for it fits what my soul is going through. Through that year, i became emotionally stronger through the process of my own healing, learning to love myself, and in the process do indeed caring for myself.

Right now, i believe that i am continuing to grow this year. I have more learnings, realizations that i ever did. More probably because i have opened myself, and started to be more conscious and aware. When the Year started, my heart and soul yearned and reached out. I have sent my intentions out to the Universe - for continued growth in all facets/aspects of my life. I pretty much believe that the Universe is answering my prayers. :D I still feel stuck at times, but i can count it with my one hand. :) The rest seem to fall into place. :D Aside from that, i am happy to find myself in a more positive disposition, emotional and spiritual-wise. I have chosen to let go of what i can't control, of the uncertain, and have chosen to enjoy what i can in the moment, even in the simple pleasures of a simple life, in the contentment and gratitude for what i still have, for what i am still learning, for what i am still receiving and being showered with. I believe much more that i am meant to be where i am right now - still in the fertile land of growth that is still nourishing me. This stage in my life is preparing me to be stronger and more at ease and in connection with myself - a synergy with my own soul - before i am able to finally go off and journey further into this Universe of ours. But aside from that, i believe that it is also helping me realize my connection with my parents (especially with my mom, and that is why this article feels relevant to me as well). They may be preventing me from some things, but recently, my mom just let me be. She may have not completely approved, but she just let me go. Just like that. :) I am definitely happy that an uptight relationship is finally learning to loosen up a little. I believe it works both ways - both of us are less stressed and i believe we are both able to smile at each other more now. It may be something little, but for me and my mom (i don't know if she is aware of it), it is a big baby step. :) By the time they let me go out on my own to explore the world and Life, i believe by then i will be much more stronger on my own, and able to live fully with their blessings. Also by then, they may have finally opened up and found some comfort that their children can finally go on, be independent, and live on their own. I am still in my parents' protective care for now, and i believe that the Universe has made it so and is preparing me to be stronger. And I believe it is not just me that is getting stronger - i believe that my parents going through one as well, of growth in their own way, and in letting go. :) i am sorry that i am not able to fully expound on it., but i believe everything is going in the positive direction of continued growth. :) I believe that everything that happened in our Life is meant to be. :) and i believe it more and more each day, and in each passing moment. :) Our Life affirms it. :D

Haha :) Ish, i should have just posted this on my own site. :D it is already a journal entry, after all. I hope you don't mind my sharing this long. :) and yes, i'll probably post this on my blog as well. :D But thank you as well. :)

The Smiling Inner Child

Thanks, Drew, for always encouraging me to write down my thoughts. Thank you, for a lot of you out there who also have reminded me to write. :)

Well, it's been a while since i've been driving alone during the daytime. On a pretty quiet sunday morning, unaffected by any severe slow-moving traffic, i find myself in a relaxed mood. and in some way, at awe of the present moment of sunshine, blue skies, and the very motion of driving a car. it is a beautiful sight and beautiful moment, much like being stuck in that time warp somewhere. I guess we can always call on this "time bubble" if we really want to. It is a serene experience - my heart smiles.

Pictures of my childhood came flooding by my mind, flashing by and playing in my mind as if it was just a few moments ago. These childhood memories are still so vivid and clear, as if i am still seeing it at that very moment. In my mind's eye, these memories roll on through my head as i saw it through my eyes at different ages: seven, ten, fifteen, and so on through my high school and college days. I "saw" how i rode the bike and fell down. I "saw" myself walking through the halls of St. Joseph Bldg during college. Even the feeling during those moments, i can still remember clearly now. It is as if time didn't pass, but of course, we know that it did.

Yet even at this age of 27, some of us would feel so old, that our youth is starting to pass us by or rather has passed us by. I believe otherwise. Given this glimpse today, it is a reminder that the child in us and our Soul - Ageless and very much Alive within us - never withers and dies. As we grow in our physical body - toward old age and death, our Soul lives on and keeps on learning throughout the ages. Even if we come to an age when we will be walking around with a cane, stopping by to catch our breathe after a walk around the corner or just being plain slow with everything else, the eyes of our Inner Child, the eyes of our Soul, it will never get old nor will it lose its sparkle. Even by then, we can still "see" everything with the eyes, the heart and the soul of a child. We have never lost it; it has always been in us. It is just like we have chosen to put on that "rose colored lenses of adulthood" when we reached a certain age, even when we didn't have to. Yet we can always choose to take those lenses off, for a while or even forever, and see life unencumbered by limitations, illusions and the clouds of fear. We always have a choice on how we choose to see our Life, on how we perceive all that have happened and on how we feel on all that we have experienced. It is up to us, Our Self, and how we decide to live each moment. We can feel detached. Or, with our child eyes, we see things as they are, nothing more and nothing less. But that we wouldn't be a problem, because we accept things and people as they are, even situations, and we go on living our lives with a smile, living each moment fully. What matters is only Now, nothing else.

Our soul, from when we were younger and up to this very moment, it is the same soul. To the soul, time passes yet it grows not old. Our soul, it is and will be as vibrant and alive as it is now as it will be when we leave this body. Whether or not we are aware of it, our Soul is there. Our Self. That's why we can live through hundreds and thousands of lives, yet not feel old. Free, even in this material body. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life, happy, content and at peace, and just being US. Just Be and nothing more.

And there's nothing more and there's nothing else that we would and can ask for. :)

Be well, my friends.
Be well, oh Universe.
May Peace and Love Prevail in all Realms.
Safe life journeys, everybody.

and don't forget - let your heart smile every day. I am pretty sure you'll be smiling sometime afterwards. :)

half sleepy...
half giddy....
wishful thinking...
dreaming to once again live...

oh beating heart,
let me listen to your whisper.

Despite your rhythmic beat,
your silence holds lots of truths -
those of the world and of my soul.

you know me...
even when i don't speak.

Such is your beauty,
such is your power,
such is the depth,
oh we so wish to fathom.

oh, live not in fear!
stand true to where thy heart is.
Be swept not by doubt simmering beneath thee.
Go forth, despite good or bad,
courageously, with an open and accepting heart,
take an Adventurous Ride,
both known and uncertain,
on Life's Moving and Rolling Wheels.

got scared a while ago.... i am afraid that i am just seeing the world in one "frame of mind" - in that when you see others, you think and ask why are they living that way (not that there is anything wrong with the way they are living). I am afraid to get stuck in just one frame, and at some point "judge". as if you just "see" things in that one way. i don't want to judge, i want to keep an open mind. i live my life, we live our life the way we want it - adhering to the practices we have chosen to become parts of our lives. i want to broaden my mind and my heart. i may not understand completely, nor may i accept everything, but at least not to shut anything out. to just let anything be as they are.

while i was watchng this commercial, and i kinda caught myself thinking in "one" way. you know... and it disturbed me. really disturbed me. if i am not aware, i may end up just falling into seeing that way without knowing. just like horses whose peripheral visions are covered when they are harnessed to carriages. i fear that i'll think that the only correct way to live life is the way one lives one's own life, and to get stuck in thinking the teachings that i've been so used to hearing for the past 3 years i end up conforming to and thinking to be the only path, fearing that if i don't do so, that i'll be "damned" in some sort. though i know deep inside that this is not the case. i know that we live our life the way we want it - we decide on how we live it, through each decision/choice we make. whether it adheres and conforms to how others live or not, it doesn't matter as long as you have not wronged others in anyway. you live your life in peace, and leave them to live their lives in peace. freedom from the consecrating eyes in us that is afraid of what others think of us. i don't want to close myself. i don't want to end up just seeing something wrong in the way people live their lives when there is nothing really wrong about it - it is just the way they choose to live. i don't want to create limitations, when there is no need to set up such limitations that may possibly block us to a lot of things. i don't know... that's how i feeling. i can't really express it word per word, and i feel that i can't truly say it out, but i hope you get what i meant.

i just realized if i hadn't caught myself just thinking that way a while ago, who would have known if i could have continued thinking that way later on and shut out all other thinking or point of views. it's always better to have a wider point of view, by listening to other people's point of view. to expand one's understanding. i want to keep open, to keep neutral at some point, to be able to give the benefit of the doubt when needed.

I AM ALIVE

LET ME GO!
LET ME GO FREE!

RELEASE THE STIFLING GRIP AROUND MY NECK!!
LET ME BREATHE ON MY OWN.

LET GO AND STOP HOLDING ON TO MY WINGS!!
LET ME FLY AND EXPLORE THE WORLD ON MY OWN.

I HAVE TRIED MY BEST,
AND EVEN WITHOUT YOU DOING ALL THOSE THINGS,
I AM ALREADY IN THESE INVISIBLE CAGE,
WOVEN FROM THE STRINGS OF FEAR AND CONDITIONING YOU HAVE PLACED,
PLACED SO GREEDILY.

MANIPULATING YOU?
I HAVE NOT!
I AM JUST SPEAKING UP!

I AM NOT YOU.
OR PROBABLY YES, I AM LIKE YOU.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE MANIPULATED AT ALL!
JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW!

I AM DOING MY BEST,
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T SEE!
YOU SAY THAT YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN I DO IT?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT ANYMORE,
NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW CALMLY I TRY.

YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELVES.
AND SO, I LEARNED FROM THE BEST: YOU!
SO WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT I JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF,
I HOPE THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE YOURSELVES IN THAT.

I COULD HAVE GONE OFF.
BUT GOSH, I STOPPED OUT OF RESPECT.
SO PLEASE, RESPECTFULLY GIVE ME MY SPACE.
LET ME COOL OF MY STEAM.
BOTHER ME NOT WHILE I AM SO.

THIS HOUSE CAN BE SO STIFLING ALL THE TIME.
HOW QUIET AND PEACEFUL IT IS WHEN I AM ALONE IN THE HOUSE.
RELAX YOURSELVES AND ENJOY YOUR TRIP WITHOUT ME.
LET ME ENJOY THE PEACE THERE IS FOR MYSELF, NOT YOURS.
AND ENJOY YOUR PEACE THERE, WITHOUT MY "NON-CONFORMING" WAYS.

SOMETIMES, IT IS NOT RESPECT ANYMORE.
IT IS FEAR.
I AM LEARNING TO FACE MY FEAR ONE DAY AT A TIME.
YOU ARE ONE OF MY GREATEST FEARS.
BUT YES, I AM ARMING MYSELF TO BE STRONGER,
EACH MOMENT, EACH SECOND, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, EACH YEAR, EACH LIFETIME.

I WILL BE STRONGER.
I WILL BE WISER.
I WILL NOT WISH YOU ILL-WILL.
BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTINUE TO SNUFF AWAY THE FIRE
THAT WISHES TO SHINE BRIGHT,
ON ITS OWN!

BAD JUDGEMENT?
ARE YOU REALLY PROTECTING ME FROM MYSELF?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SAVE ME WHILE I WAS OUT THERE?
NO! SO PLEASE, REMEMBER THAT!
I HAVE HANDLED MYSELF WELL, EVEN WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE, WHEN I WAS AWAY!
SO, IS THAT STILL BAD JUDGEMENT?

CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING, AT ALL?
CAN YOU EVEN SEE ANYTHING ANYMORE?
I WISH TO IMPROVE MYSELF, ON MY OWN.
I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I WILL BE "IMPROVING" MYSELF IN YOUR EYES,
THE WAY YOU WANT! ISN'T THIS MANIPULATION?

CHILDISH? YES, I CAN BE CHILDISH!
BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME ACT MY OWN AGE!
BECAUSE I CAN'T DO WHAT I WANT LIKE PEOPLE MY OWN AGE!
YOU DON'T TREAT ME AS AN ADULT.
YOU TREAT ME AS A CHILD - A CHILD UNABLE OF ANY DECISIONS.
IS IT MY FAULT?
HOPE YOU REALIZE THE RIGHT ANSWER.

LET ME IMMERSE MYSELF INTO SOMETHING MORE.
SELF-CENTEREDNESS TO YOU.
FINDING AND LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF - FOR ME.
LET ME FEEL MYSELF - AND ACCEPT MYSELF.

I AM TIRED.
TIRED OF YOU.
I LOVE YOU.... BUT I AM TIRED.
I LOVE THAT ONE PERSON YOU HATE,
AND I WILL CONTINUE LOVING AND LOOKING UP TO THAT PERSON.
FOR HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I CAN BE STRONG AS I CAN BE.
I AM STRONG!
I AM SERIOUS!
I AM ALIVE!

a while ago, i was just reminiscing..... of what i've learned - how to handle myself in certain situations, meeting with new people, learning to get along with myself better... stuff like that.... what a roller coaster ride, in some ways, and it was fun. if it wasn't, well, it was worth learning from - because i learned a lot and now know how to take care of myself if a similar circumstance arises in the now and the future. experiences definitely are worth cherishing, and worth learning from. some may leave good memories with us, others sort of embarrassing, but still, a lesson can be learned, as long as we are ready to take it.

mind is pretty empty and calm now.... but at one point during the evening,it was like there was this pulsating feeling in me, wanting to go deeper and further into myself.... i wanted to cry.... but i don't really know why anymore.... i just wanted to reach in...... there is more.... but that is just it.... i am unable to reach it yet.... spending more and more quiet time with myself - i seem to want this. i have been spending quiet time, meditation time, for myself, during the past few evenings. today, a part inside of me really wanted to, as if it was able to reach out during those sessions with myself. of course, i didn't do so tonight, because i was processing why i was having these thoughts. and at times i felt like i just want my mind to blow up, into nothingness.... can the call to meditate be addicting? i don't know. but for the past few days, it called to me, and i just followed - at the same time praying and sending energies of love and healing to people i care for and to the people of the world.

anyway, at this time, i must go to sleep, even if i don't really feel sleepy at all. vacation time has ended once again, and tomorrow is another day of work. not that i totally hate it, nor do i totally love it. anyway, will try to sleep.

Today, i spent the late afternoon up until the evening at my sister's house. :) We were suppose to have a movie marathon, but ended up watching just one movie. Haha :) but anyway, we had dinner at their place. Before going down to eat, i had to leave Harrod with my bro-in-law. As i was about to move towards the door, Harrod cried out, as if asking me not to leave. He was really about to cry. I find it really sweet. :) Of course, I reassured him that i'll be coming back and Harrod kept quiet. :) It happened twice tonight - the other time being when i left him with my sister so that i can rest my arms for a while. :) haha :) even in small ways, it is nice to be needed by somebody. :) well, for now. :) but i guess i must remind myself not to get hooked to being needed by others, because in time he will not need me the same way. I'll be there when he needs me. I'll let him be when he doesn't need me; I'll enjoy being me and enjoy my own time when that happens. :) i do pray for that. :) it doesn't always mean that if you're not needed, that you're useless to that person anymore, that that person doesn't care for you anymore. Rather, it's time for both of you to spend time by yourselves, the way you choose to make the most of that time of your life while apart from each other. :) There's a time to grow together, and a time to grow on one's own. :) I am just realizing this. :) because i still find myself feeling this way, even up to just very recently. ;)

sounds idealistic, but i hope we will all be able to equally live comfortable lives.... Wars, greed, poverty, illness, hunger.... i hope we can all make a difference in each others' lives, in small or even big ways, ending the suffering...

But we must also be reminded that we all view things, the world and our own lives differently.

in the end, all these depends on how we choose to see or view things - our lives, our selves, our world, our experiences, our present. the perspective really matters. and if we take it and learn from it, each experience is a very important moment in our life - it doesn't go to waste because it is meaningful, we are learning something, finding something of value, discovering truths, accepting truths and realities, and/or we even live it fully as is. :)