Saturday, July 21, 2007

My mind is literally turning into goo.... I am so sleepy... The day is so slow... Or i guess there's still 3 hours more to go...

I do my best to keep myself busy. But when i saw what i have to read, i was like, "Again... Translating them in my mind... Grace, wake up! Do something!" But when i look at it, my mind goes blank, *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*, just as if my heart stopped beating and my brainwaves ceased to exist.

It's nice and quiet. I'm alone. I'm tempted to sleep. I'm tempted to read something else. I'm tempted to leave early. In short, I'm tempted to do something else. I need inspiration, i need to push myself to do something, ehem, productive. Yet as you can see....

Just a few days ago, i was filled with discontent. I was sad/depressed, whatever you can call it, and i just can't wait for the day to end so that i can unwind and rest my heart and mind from all my complaints in this life. Of course, the truth is, you can either carry it all day or just let it go fly off somewhere else. For me, it comes and goes as it pleases... And i can let it be at times, but usually, i'll end up thinking about it, as i stare out onto space, at moving objects and a variety of other visually catchy things, especially in my memories - sucked back into my own world in my own mind.

I pound against the walls. The spring of emotion continues to gush all sorts of feelings in me. There is no way for it to get out. It seems to overflow. Full, to the brim. How do you open up? In my silence, i try to push that stream of emotion yet all it does is aggravate things and the more the emotions push back at me. I feel heavy, from feeling full. I just want to smash my head so that they can all come trickling or gushing out. It doesn't matter how fast, as long as they get out. My heart cries, yet no tears flow from my eyes.

If only i can tear myself into two so that i can fly away into the sky. Into the eternal blue expanse. I've always enjoyed the feeling of flying in peace, of riding horses that gallop fast and the wind passing through me. Such a peaceful feeling. Have you ever tried sitting alone in silence, and letting the passing breeze caress your face? The sound of the wind seems to whisper silently, helping you rest, lulling you into sleep. If we can just take time to do so.

I'm still here... Sitting by the computer.... Looking at the reading stuff again.... and time seemed to only move by a fraction of 6 minutes....

What the heck... back to "work"...

Monday, July 16, 2007

Hmmm... a thought just came into mind. isn't there something like you'll know what a person is like base on their trash or the stuff they collect? Hmmm... how about me? :) hehe :) i mean, it just shows a part of oneself, and not a whole picture of a person.

this thought came into mind when i was checking my gmail account, and remembered that i have like 400 something Chicken Soup stories sent through email that i don't even take time to read anymore, but i don't delete them either. Haha :) it seems like trash, but i just can't make myself to delete them yet. :)

Let's see, over the years i have collected books, notebooks, pens(used up - yeah, i don't know why.), stuffed toys(for sentimental reasons, but i gave most of them away just a year back - whatever my heart can stand to let go), paper that i have written stuff on (for obvious reasons - though i don't know where i kept most of them), coins(by year, by denomination, and depends on the country, and if i have the "supply".), CDs(classical and anime), VCDs/DVDs(anime and movies), stuff/memorabilia that have some significance to me because it reminds me of someone special to me or some special event (though i wonder if i will always remember). I'm pretty sure i have a lot of other stuff "stuffed" somewhere else that i have forgotten about. :) hehe :) oh, and stuff that i find while "cleaning out my closet" and decided to keep but ended up keeping for another long period of time, forgotten until the next cleaning. :) haha :) but these are the most obvious ones that i do see of in myself. :) for others they may be considered trash, but not for me. :) well, that's how i think. :)

i wonder - where does this "blog" stand? :) hehe :) i believe i have hundreds of entries here by now (really, grace?) :) hehe :)

of course, we wouldn't be obviously looking at other people's stuff (yeah, their trash is still their stuff until at the garbage dump). But i would always end up observing - i don't mind taking the time to do so. :) i already think a lot anyway. :) hehe :) for me, observing is sort of something that i do naturally. Of course, it's selective observation. it's my quirk, and we all have that. :) hehe :) of course, why observe something you don't have interest in? :) there are just some things that other people notice but just goes by me, and vice versa. :) so when somebody points something particular to me that i wasn't really looking at, i'm like, "what? where?", and it will take me some time (like forever) until i find it or i'll just give up and let it go.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

People say that i am open-minded,
yet why am i shut off to myself?

I say that i'll do something,
yet why do i always fail a little while after?

I think i am good with words,
Yet why don't i express what i have at heart?

I want to do things my own way,
Yet why am i afraid of what others will think of me?

I really love you,
but why do i make you feel uncomfortable?

Friday, July 13, 2007

I always feel "restless" whenever i don't do anything - like just watch tv. Tv cannot occupy my mind anymore, as it was able to do so before. Now, i can just turn it off, and i go looking for other ways to curb my thinking. Now, what can i do?

Blog.... hehe :) once i get to the computer, it's kinda hard to bring all those thoughts. they are there, for sure, but to say them out... haha :) their my own.... no need for you guys to know. :) hahaha :) or else i'll end up being paranoid again. :) ahahahha :) now, can you see? i'm going crazy! bwahahahahaha :)

setting that aside, i guess i'll just go read. it did help me calm down last night. :) though waking up early in the morning (4am) is something else - and it took me some time before i was able to go back to sleep.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Yes, a part of me tells me that i should go back to writing.... Just thought of a "poem" last night - and the words were just flowing out of my mind. It felt right, even if the poem was grim...

Though i wonder if i am going the right direction now... I am starting to doubt myself again, yes... But i do so want to be free, to fight for what i want, to feel that feeling inside me that i am just soaring as i do what i enjoy, be where i enjoy, be with the person i enjoy being with... Do i follow my heart and soul, or do i follow my mind? Do i even still make sense? Do i want to think of the distant or the immediate future? What will indeed make me happy? Is what i am working towards for really good for me? I don't think i am losing myself.... Or do i? i'm always afraid of losing who i love, what i love...

I hide that... i love to sing, i love to dance(tap, even if i don't even dance well), i love to write, i love to ride a horse, i love to fly, i love to drive, i love to just watch the clouds float by. i love to read, i love to just love, i love to protect, i love to listen, i love to talk. i love to hum, i love to talk to myself... i love to lose myself into something that i deeply care for, i love the blue skies, i love pain(yes, in some way i do). I love the truth, i love nobility, i love chivalry. i love mystery, i love danger, i love adventures, i love spontaneity. i love drama, i love romance, i love sentimental things. i love to laugh, and i cherish the fact that i can cry... i love nature, i love trips, i love lounging around. i love sleeping, i love eating, i love dining. i love something new, i love... i love... i know that i love a lot of things....

do i really love myself? hiding myself, hiding the things i love, hiding the people i love...