Observing my heart and mind, i believe that i wanted to believe that everything can be perfect, just as i wanted it. At times, it does. But when the end is so near, i hold on to it so tightly. even when the moment has passed, i hold to it so crazily, hoping to re-create it over and over again, asking for it all over, hoping that it can be brought into reality again. Sadly, the grasping just gets stronger, and the rejection and defection felt when things don't go also seems to bring me to feel lower and down.

I know that things and moments are fleeting, especially those happy moments that become happy memories. i told a good friend of mine that i try to make the most of the good time i have with the people that hold special places in my heart and soul but making as much good memories with them as more as i can. thing is, the more i do so, the more possessive and obsessive i get, the more the relationship gets suck dry. and the more this happens, the more they move away. Just like how i like to immerse myself in music, at times, this is, i realize, what they feel as suffocation from me, from being with me. they get suffocated with my love. so you see, instead of taking care of the relationship, i end up wanting the happiness that i want to share with that special person all for myself. this so-called love has turned or mutated into something possessive and obsessive, which also brought jealousy, depression and most especially, fear, with it. i just want more, i don't want the happiness to end. i just want to be with them, hoping that it will always be this good forever. i don't want to let go.

most of them move away, so far away. even if they are near, they are already emotionally far away. one has remained, but has also retained this certain amount of distance. i can still reach out when the need does come, and i believe that she will send love on the way, all the way. we have been open about this cycle of mine - a habitual pattern that i continue to fall and play the part of all throughout my life. you could say that it weren't for her, i would still be unaware of it. i knew about it from way before, but i left myself and kept myself blind about it. we would still each other once in a while, but of course, she would still keep her distance. but when i am with her, and when she hugs me, i can feel her telling me and reassuring me, "everything will be okay. you will be okay. everything will be all right. you will be all right." even without saying, i can feel all that from her. she is a well-spring of love. it warms me - heart and soul. her love, her presence and her person - who she is, who she has been, and who she may and will be - makes me feel how wonderful i am as i am. i can be who i am, i can speak my mind, i can be silly, and i don't mind what others think of it at all when i am with her. we can just talk all day, about anything, yet it will still be a great conversation. we can just stay together, hug each other, and i can feel the love that she has in her heart, bursting out and reaching out to shine and warm the hearts of the people around her. she constantly reminds me of the beauty in me, the goodness and love in me. "you are not the distorted image that you see." it is still hard to learn it and practice it day by day, but i believe that it did bring some changes in heart. recent events have just showed that, upon the loss of another friend who has emotionally moved away. i could have felt dejected and alone. i did. but to the extent that i can still function and at some points, i felt "free", in the sense of the word. of course, i admit that i am afraid to see that person for fear that i might feel so down or for fear that i don't know how to react to what i may end up feeling. but it is better compared to me being so glum and unable to move at all. i can actually take the time to smile and be happy with my "life" despite feeling the sadness inside as well. this may seem so common day experience, but for me, it is a breakthrough or a milestone. an improvement or a change of heart? or a change in attitude or perception? well, i'm pretty sure that i may end up in the same rut again soon.

actually, writing, or blogging, again is part of this thing i am going through. i have stopped writing for a while, if you have observed, except for the few entries here and there. i use to express myself through writing, but i stopped writing because i thought of what others would think about it (me going over this stuff again and again and again). i felt that can't be myself, that i can't be who i am; i felt that i needed to be perfect or "cool" so that everybody will like me. i thought that being myself is not good enough. i suppressed me, and you can say that i almost lost myself, myself holding on by a thin thread in my heart. my so-called paranoid phase also involved me questioning myself if i am really who i knew myself to be, if i really liked and loved the things that i love or is it because i am trying to emulate somebody. "Am i still me? Or am i just a copycat?" each time i would be afraid that i might just be a copycat, and i find so many reasons to rationalize and prove that i am not. i keep on trying to prove myself. but the truth is, even if at times i still can't believe it, i am who i am, and we are similar in so many ways and yet so different in a lot of other stuff too. i need not prove myself, running to keep up with it, because i am me and i don't need to prove that to others. i did and still do doubt myself. so you can't blame me for losing myself. actually, it should be "i should actually blame myself for losing myself." the only way for me to "fix" ( i feel the need to always fix something - another way to prove something?) myself is to make peace with myself. as always, easier said than done since i have been in this self-defeating pattern for so long. but i guess for me to be writing about this again, there is still some hope for me, myself, and i have found this hope. i kinda stopped expressing myself, feeling, "what's the use?" at the same time, you can say that i didn't want to write as well because i was afraid of the grain of truth that would come out in my writing, the grain of truth that i try to hide and push away from my writing, hoping that it wouldn't come out and "hurt" me head on and face on. as i mentioned, i know about it, but i just want to continue to be blinded, not knowing about it, not dealing with it so that i could continue feeling helpless and so that the person that i want with me would take pity of me and be there for me. at first it would work, but in the end, the reality is that it wouldn't last forever. you can say that i don't want to get over it, so that i can be taken cared of always. i can be whole in myself, but i choose to be broken instead. yet being broken has a price as well, because when i am really broken, when my heart is aching and dark, i push people away, whether or not i grasp for their attention or not. i just want that one person with me, and if i don't get it, i just lock myself up within me. yes, your description was right - an emotional vampire. i admit it, but at the same time, a part of me wants to deny it. i know i can't be well and happy always, but a part of me believes that i can still feel the good when i am broken as well. but most of the time, i see the darkness before me. when it is obvious, i look the other way; when i am looking for it, it seems to be lost and hidden away behind veils that i chose to obscure them with.

i am battling with myself, still battling with myself. even with the thoughts that i want to type down right at this very instant, i am battling with what should come out, battling and "searching" for what is missing, uneasy because it feels like i have not done or said enough, feeling that it is not yet perfect, that i have not said all, thinking that i may be not true or real - a fake - that i may be a sham or a trying hard to be. i go on and on with the thoughts, over and over. it's hard to break away from them because they come and go, and i go after them. and boy, it is definitely a wild goose chase, a "wild horse" stringing and pulling me along for a bumpy and painful ride to i don't know where. i do get quiet moments as well, and am thankful for that. but at times, when i feel "inadequate" and feel these thoughts coming along, i can't help holding on to the "wild horse". i am used to it dragging me along crazy, even if it does make me feel crazy and out of my mind. i am used to it, because at times if i don't feel so or if i feel so but don't follow it, i become so uneasy because i am not used to it being gone. right now, am feeling it, and i am fighting it in a some way as well.

let it go, Grace. Observe, be aware. but just let it be. You can choose not to get dragged by it. You have a choice. Follow what is in your heart. Follow your instincts. You will be alright. everything will be okay.

Ain't Pocoyo cute? :)

"I'm sorry" is all that i can say.
There's nothing else that i can offer.
I know that there's nothing else that i can say.
There's nothing more that i can do.
Because this is how you decided it to be between me and you.

---

I may be fragile.
I know I'll break.
I did break, many times.
But so far,
I always took the time
to slowly pick the pieces
of my life.
I break, but i piece myself together.
I may not piece it back together the same.
But i do my best to bring my broken self together,
despite a crack here and there.
despite the little missing pieces never to be found again.
I stand here again before you.
Broken, but still doing my best to be standing.

"The people I love the most, are the people that I am most scared of... Because they are the ones that can inflict the most hurt, when it does happen."

Beating hurt (heart)
Captive Soul
Looking out
To be a whole.

Blind to what may,
Doubting what is,
Hoping for what was,
Everyday.

Silliness.
Craziness.
Loneliness.
Death.

Dead mind.
Death heart.
Soul lost.
Path unknown.

With my 160gb iPod Classic, it seems like i can put in more and more tracks and it wouldn't be filled up. And so, i came upon tons of CDs that i have bought almost 10 years back. Back then, i liked it somewhat, but now, i seem to have a more down-to-earth and "soulful" appreciation for them. It's like coming back to get to know what was and what still is.

One of those CDs that i chanced upon hearing again is that of Vienna Teng's, the album being called "Warm Strangers". Strange enough, i like it much more than i did back then. Probably i've grown to understand more. Perhaps it just happens that it touches my heart and soul. At some point, i haven't changed that much, but that doesn't mean that i didn't change a bit. i believe i did, in some ways, little or big, seen or unseen.

i was thinking, "i bought this, like, 5 years ago. i wonder if she is still alive, or if her music still sells." she has her own site. And I am very much glad to read about her life. She also took up computer science before she pursued this career in music. well, you could read more at http://viennateng.com Well, anyway, it kinda sparked("ignited") the life back into my writing, or what i think is writing. i used to write poems, and essays as well. it's more of like whatever comes into mind. but yes, poems do count to be the ones that are easier for me to write, easier to express, and it seems easier to help me keep a sense of anonymity to what i am hinting at, and it need not require me to express much and allows an air of mystery. well, it took time for her. and it takes time for everybody, each artist. it also is the same with life, and in how we are living it. Everything takes time - a lesson that i still have to continue to have patience in learning. In time. :) haha :)

shucks! it's already 10:41pm, though i am not quite sleepy yet. always been like this, though i end up waking up a little later than i should in the mornings. anyway, on with more cd-ripping activities for my "beloved" iPod. :) Music is very much a part of my life, just like how writing is, in its subtle ways, still very much connected to my mind, heart, soul, core.

As of the moment, i feel like exploding. i already express myself a lot, but it seems like it is not enough. i try to prove myself capable of a lot of things, but it seems self-defeating most of the time because i always feel bad and guilty of all the things that i have done. i am tired, yet i can't truly stop. i try to let go everyday, but of course, i fall short each day. but thankfully, at times, i can see that even if i do, i am learning to stand back up again and be a little firmer with myself each day. well, most days, that is.

let us count this one as reaching out to expressing myself again. i actually had the urge to "draw" or just doodle, wondering ("wondering" being the word) if i'll be able to express myself that way. which is not usually the case because i usually end up doodling nonsense. :) haha :) even i don't know i was doodling. haha :) i usually have the urge to blog again, or write poems, but i usually cast it aside because i usually have these thoughts while driving or when i am about to sleep. and yes, at the lazy enough to just let it be and just sleep through it.

anyway, this is all for today.

Learning to Wait, My Crimson Friend

We may not speak to each other
Not directly.
It hurts my heart so,
but i can only learn to wait.

Yet with this so-called pain,
passing by moment by moment,
i can't help but notice
your beauty and strength
more and more each day.

i am so privileged
to have been surrounded,
and in some ways still surrounded,
by your presence and companionship,
by your love and compassion,
by your friendship and understanding,
by your trust and strength,
by your selfless dedication,
even by your weaknesses and sadness,
by your anger and indifference,
by your tears and your pain.

Davao Trip - March 19 to 22, 2008

Hi there, Drew! :)

As requested, some pictures from the trip. :)

Breathing deeply....

Sighing...

Yes... (it wouldn't matter if i added more and more ellipsis. they will still be dots.)

sort of angry at myself. sort of telling myself that i shouldn't mind anymore. also at the same time, wondering, "am i that bad? am i that easy to brush off/aside? don't i matter to you anymore? won't you even push me away? why keep all the distance? why don't you just say it? that you're suffocated..." that is how it has always been. it also starts me to feel of wanting to go crazy, just as i would back then and diving myself into my abyss of depression, wallowing and self-pity. i can't say that i know better, but right now, a part of me tells me to just let it be, feel it, and don't do anything rash just because you want answers. You know you want answers, but at the same time you know that at some major points it will definite hurt.

i decided to just write it all out. how i usually dealt with it before. though at the same time, i am glad that i am not running all about it, not being dragged around by emotions that much anymore. i do have to agree that at times it does, but at least, not as much. i can still hear and see my thoughts about myself... i would still want to go after her and make it all well again. but i know that it takes time, and i am too impatient to wait. Yes, patience is a virtue... a saying that seems to hit the right spot every single time.

i want your approval all the time, just as you did back then. and boy, did we have fun! and yes, i know, there are bad parts as well, but we got through it together. Yeah, i admit that a part of me wishes that it be always be good times with us. and i am always impatient because i want to have and spend that good time with you again. but of course, i have to get your permission first. you do have to want to be with me, or else i wouldn't be welcome into your presence, into your space. when did i start thinking this way? yes, it shows that i love you more than myself. and at times, i give myself the space - my space. yes, you've been telling me that, reminding me of that, over and over again - and lately, you do so with your silence. you've been so silent. so so so silent.....

yes, i am getting through, getting by. but i can't deny that there are still times, a lot of times, that i wish you are by my side, that we are together, through the good and bad. I can't take your silence... makes me question myself... but this could be one of the bads.... so i must live through it, and when i make it out, i do hope you're still there, wherever, whenever and however that may be. You're living your life th3 way you decide/choose to, and i admire you so much for that. i know that you know that i do. when will i start deciding on my own? at some point, i think i did in some ways. i just have to be constant or consistent. why am i thinking so much about it?!?!

"BE."

I seem to be in the process of falling apart and going out of control. Obviously, i should be sleeping by now so that i wouldn't have a hard time waking up every morning. But as of this very moment, i am still downloading mp3s. Which also leads me to work starting to pile up or seems to be piling up. I used to not have to take work home, but now, i find it imperative to do so or to at least do some of them at home, lest i want the output to come a little much longer after the expected 3 days or one week that it used to take me to finish a certain batch of work.

Aside from that, i am angry and afraid. I am sad. I am also neutral. I can be happy. I am needy in one moment and confident the next. So crazy.

I've been having those thoughts again. Yes, about death. But i just shook my head a while ago, hoping that that simple gesture would help shake that very thought away. I am very much aware of that thought's existence in my mind as it flitted by, but i just don't want to dwell on it too much. Over two people? Over circumstances i can't control? over what and who i can't control? if i do so, just goes to show i can't even control myself.

and here i am, staring at the computer screen. looking at numbers - bits downloaded, percentage left, time remaining... just like my life, i watch it flow past me, flow by me... as i watch everything go by me... do i really even care?

bah...

I am sort of angry or pissed off, but i know that i should have to let it be especially since i care enough for the person and i know what that person is going through. It's both insensitive and uncaring of me to have done to her, so am sort of angry at myself. Although at the same time, i just had to let her know what my thoughts are. I would never think of hurting her, but i definitely want to be heard.

It's been a while. i know that i haven't written or blogged for a while is such a cliche. But then, that is the truth. Or rather, i haven't written as much because i have been holding myself back from doing so - to prevent myself from being taken away by my thoughts. (Though i did notice that my command of english vocabulary has slightly gone bad, sliding off from where it used to be.)

Aside from the daily grinding of thoughts out from my mind, it has been a relatively quiet "mind" day for me. i woke up late, like almost noon, and decided not to go out of the room until it was time for lunch. I started meditating again, after such a long time of doing it and stopping again. I realized, now and again, that i have to continue meditating. I had one of 'those' days just a few days back. The feeling that i also have to "ground" myself has been going through my mind most of the time. To ground myself to reality, yes, and to ground myself as well - to release all the "charge" that has been stuck in me - all the tension, constriction, fear and all else that i hold inside me that has been detrimental to my being. Imagine the concept of grounding in science, and you'll know what i mean.

by now, just when i am starting to be productive, the day is almost beginning to end. It's getting dark already. I guess it's just me. I took the day slowly, even taking a bath. haha :) but it was fun. i only get to do so once a week since i am always rushing to work in the mornings, meaning i have to be quick with whatever i have to do (and you must know that i am a late-riser; i just sleep like a baby and have gotten use to the alarm going off. I have around 4 alarms, but i still sleep through it all.).

So anyway, going to be productive for a while by doing some work. :) I do hope that i continue to write again from this point forward. i did love writing. and i guess i still do. holding back just made me think that i wasn't as good anymore, that i need not do so. why did i hold back? because i thought that it would just make me go insane and unstoppable with all my thoughts streaming and rushing out through my mind.

sometimes i feel so hypocritical of myself...
there are days when i think i am living the way i should be...
and then there are days that i am lost in the bliss of it all...

still, there will always be days that i would wish for time gone by...

and to wish that we all live the future that we want to have and to become.

watashi no elle. kanojo no namae wa elle.

I can compose tons of notes and still be at a lost of what i really wanted to say. My mind is still chaotic despite the perceived quietness.

I can send all these to you & i will not get a reply.

i know things, i believe, yet a part denies & doubts. it's maddening, crazy and senseless at times.

Is that Me i hear? Or is it just me? Or am i running towards what i think i saw or discovered? Is this life even real anymore?

I know it is. It must be. You're here and there. And i'm both happy and hurting deep inside. Stretched to both limits. I guessed i became more flexible, or probably i somewhat got used to it. Did i get better? Or did i get worst? Or am i losing it?

Perhaps not. Or perhaps so.

There is no right or wrong, good or bad. That is what you said. But it seems that there is. Because if it wasn't bad, you wouldn't move away. Because if it wasn't good, we wouldn't have gotten along. I must be talking senseless, shallowness or the other way around.

Either or, neither nor. Can i be both sane and insane, both right and wrong, both shallow and deep? Even both alive and dead? Both nothing and something?

I want an answer, even though i know i will be met by silence, some of your warm, icy silence. Even if the answers are right on my face and i just can't see it because i am so looking out for it... Will i accept it or not? that will be an open-ended question.

How will i choose to live, to be?

I had a dream

I had a dream
i was fighting for you
when somebody
tried to implicate you

I had a dream
i was traveling
doing what i enjoy
surrounded by water

i had a dream
people were discovering
something new yet fearful
yet i was there

i had a dream
people meeting and recognizing each other
but i didn't want to care
but did so in silence

i had a dream
i was with my family
yet i sat there in silence
controlled and isolated

i had all these dreams
one night
as it has always been like with me
dreaming my dreams

remembering...

the beauty or profoundness of life... we try to express them but fall short of it, as it is with the expression of love and other emotions. what we feel, at most times we know we comprehend and want to share, but with the incapability of sharing that exact "thing" about it, we are either left with too much awe or with too much disappointment. but nonetheless, we would aspire to find a way to reach out and share it with other people, such as the case with movies, books, music and a lot more. to share the beauty, the gravity, the breadth and depth, and all else unexplainable but of which makes us human.

been watching two movies today, both on HBO. first was titled "The Valley of Light", of which i ended up thinking of what i wrote above. the next one was "Stepmom". Yes, it left me with eyes filling up with tears... i just wanted to cry. of course, there were a lot of parts in which i cried, but that one part that i remembered is that of which Susan Sarandon's character, Jackie, was spending her last christmas with her children, her ex-husband and his new wife Isabel, played by Julia Roberts. Jackie was talking with her daughter, and she was saying that the memories of people who pass away live on in the people who keep these memories and these people dear and alive in their hearts. i have one such experience. a family friend of ours passed away of cancer some three years ago, on December 13, 2004. every time i remember her, and see her face in my mind's eyes, i can't help but cry. i miss her, i can say. i know that she has already passed on, but i just can't help crying. we have somewhat moved on, as everybody is living their lives, yet of course, when one takes the time to remember, of course, the loss of such a good person just makes us miss her so. but she continues to live in all of us whose life she's touched or has been a big part of. i went to attend the dinner thing for her 3rd death anniversary. at first, i didn't want to go, but in the end i went with my dad as well. actually, it didn't seem like a death anniversary; it is more of a gathering of people who loved her and continue to love her in our hearts. there were so many people, and one can say that the atmosphere is positive. i guess i was observing myself - my thoughts and my feelings - and others around me. now, it popped into my mind that it has become not the celebration of her death, but the celebration of the life that she had lived with love for all of us, all of us who has come to remember her as she has touched our lives. such a gift, i can say. and i am glad that i decided to go. :)

such beautiful music... check www.davidbyrne.com/radio i am listening to it from iTunes (hope it's not making the internet slower for my brother, hehe :))

today seems to be a day of feeling "balanced". not really completely balanced, but i just feel like so - somewhat at peace with myself. of course, there were points and moments during the day that i felt flushed, irritated, worried, and what more, but i am glad that as of the present moment, i am okay. can you say that i am relaxed? in a way. it's easier to let go today. of course i can't say the same for tomorrow. let's just see.

i miss her. definitely do. but i am also amazed in that i am able to resist the gnawing inside me. not that i don't want to see her, but then it has just become easier not to give in. there is still the longing, but there is also the waiting. i don't want to push her, because to push her is to push myself as well - pushing myself to expect all these twisted "illusions" of mind that i end up making it harder for myself, to suffer in my own "illusions", especially if they don't come into reality and i end up so sad and disappointed. i told her that i feel like i have to back off. not that because she is in a stage in her life, but also because i have to back off for myself, so that i don't just throw myself into the endless tossing of the strong waves of my thoughts, spiraling they may be - endless that it sucks me in if i continue to push, claw and hold on to it.

i wonder if we will meet again real soon. i wonder if i did or said something wrong. but i know that i will never know, and i guess it is suffice to trust myself that i know that i did nothing and said nothing wrong, because i would never want to hurt her, even how twisted my mind can get - i know it in my heart, even when i get so negative, i will always want to protect her. i am always looking for answers and explanations, so that i can be ready when the hurt and the pain comes. but then, based from previous experiences that i am seeing in mind again, these also shows me that it can create this web that confuses me and that can eventually lead me towards that destruction of this relationship that i so cherish. my insecurities and my negative thoughts eventually led to the end of previous relationships, what more to this one if i continue letting myself go through that spiral again.

this is being composed and sent thru wireless internet using my new p990i. yes i just can't stop playing with it. hehe :)

written because i wasn't able to go back to sleep again, after 430am.... thoughts just kept beguiling my mind...


Is it impulsiveness,
that is the fire in me
at this very moment?

Is it the push
that i feel
that makes me think?

does it fuel
the desire of
wanting things now?

together with impatience
feeling that it is mine to receive
or that i will get it
makes me insane.....

why do i have to
keep on trying
to prove that i am worth it?

why do i fear
that i am not worth it?
that i have to grab hold of it
tightly?
especially if it comes at an unknown moment,
and if it is uncertain to come again.

why do i lose my mind over it,
to keep on going into this
endless wheel of mental anguish
causing my heart to contract,
to quicken, to push, and push and push,
to grab hold of something tightly?

why do i fear that i will not be able to get it?
why do i fear?
why?