Memories Of QOA

More Rubik Cube's Wisdom

2012-01-17T00:46:00.003+08:00

- Life can break apart and scatter all around(even while in our hands), losing what has been "normal". but you can put it back from scratch, just the way you want it to be. the past will still be a part of you, but what broke you in the present, can help you build your future, if you do your best to try.
- If you are not even willing to risk a move to try at all, you'll always regret getting stuck, as you try to answer a million what-ifs, and realize you wasted so much precious time waiting in fear. so just relax, don't rush, give it a little time to think(but not too much time), and then take the plunge. you'll always know it, when you take the time to listen to yourself.
- Be flexible. When it doesn't work one way, look around, and try again. There is vast potential in each of us, in each part of our personhood and our life. Each piece can be moved and utilized, to make way and then firmly take its place - both finitely and infinitely.
- It's okay to be different and not be perfect. We have many colors, personalities, abilities, skills, variations and combinations. Not one of us can be completely the same as any other. We are able to mimic, but there will always be something different. We are Human - each one still equally unique, not one better than the other.
- Even when everything is not in place, sometimes, it is just perfect just as it is.
- Learn to let go. If you don't put it down, you won't be able to move forward and do something else.
- The perfect and imperfect, the good and bad, goes hand in hand, together. you make good use of them, learn from them, to get to where you chose to go.
- Life and the Cube are very much alike - it all falls in our hands what we choose to do with it.

2012-01-16T15:01:00.002+08:00

To bring a smile despite tears.
To shine a ray of hope despite the darkness and confusion.
To share the warmth and kindness of love.
To touch a single heart,
in our own way,
a moment at a time,
also moves a hundred and thousand more
further down the line.

January 13, 2012

2012-01-16T12:51:00.002+08:00

my heart stirs to the melody

of songs that make my heart take flight.

i want to leave this heavy body behind

and soar in the lightness of being.

i want to hide,

run away,

shout out

release all these tension and anger!

with a step forward,

floating from that light force,

as if jumping towards the sky,

with no such effort at all.

spreading my arms,

as if wings spring forth from my back,

carrying me further and higher,

somewhere endless, infinte, unbounded.

and in that peace,

i fall asleep.

with a smile on my face,

i will live once more.

mini-collection

2012-01-16T12:29:00.000+08:00

Hi Ellen. :) when you asked about my blog, i just realized that i have not posted to blogger the mini thoughts that i've written and posted in fb. :) i've been writing something something at home, and i might have copied them there. but still, i might not have been able to update that a lot too. :) my "writings" are all over the place. but i hope to compile them all - from the time i started writing up to present.

*ah, the OC bug wants me to find every little one NOW, but that's like going to take a whole lifetime and a whole lot of decluttering - physically, in my environment, and even in the world wide web. :D it's not impossible, but i guess some are already where they are meant to be - at a friend's memory(ies), in an old notebook i've kept somewhere, in my cellphone SentBox(sent to somebody special), somewhere in the universe,in space and time that i might not able to reach. but their existence still lives, just that i can't find them anymore. :D okay, letting go. :) will find them when i find them, as long as i don't let them flow back into the stream of keeping them all over and all around. hehehe :D *

here's a mini collection. :) i listed what i found on fb by date. :)

Dec6,2011
Every corner of the world is the dream of Home.
When hearts are free and souls soar.
Even in silence, laughter and happiness roars.
Every thing just right, perfect as they are.
All these, when we finally open our heart's doors.
Be free. Be Thee. Rise. Begin. Be.

Dec6,2011
I love music, i love books, i love writing, i love languages. they make me smile. i know what and who i love. you know why? because they make me smile. Just the way they are, just as they are. :)

Dec3,2011
my body is here. but my heart and soul have been somewhere else. it hurts to be brought back. yearning for the wings.... yearning for flight.... yearning for the expanse.... stepping out, opening and stretching your arms out wide, free to be...

Nov30, 2011
i am thankful for the existence of Love that helps us open up to be the best that we can be. :)

Oct29,2011
I miss my wings....
To fly high...
To my heart's content...
Never lost....
always exploring....
Hands outstretched...
Ready for anything....
Free....
Through the Boundless Eternity.
I just fly,
and my heart opens up
as vast as the sky and the universe above,
as deep as the oceans by my feet.

May we remember to fly.
Fly light.
May the wind carry us lost wings,
to wherever we should be headed.

Oct20, 2011

we live our lives thinking we will live forever. we forget that we are just living on borrowed time.

Oct15,2011

There are those whose smile can make the stress just go away.
There are those whose touch can make the heart go okay.
There are those whose mere presence make it possible to live each day.

Thank you to all those people. ;)

especially to all the people that i have a hard time expressing myself to. :)
You are all very much appreciated. :)

Oct8,2011

lessons from a rubik's cube:
1. there is a solution for everything.
2. When you can't find an answer, take the time to step back - it is both a risk and an opportunity.
3. In due time, the answer will come to you, not as you first expected, and it will fall into its place perfectly. :)

Sep27,2011

I get easily swayed by my feelings.
What makes me happy,
What makes me sad.
I can feel these deeply when i have them.

I realized that there is nothing wrong with it.
I am glad that i am still deeply connected to my Self.
I am being honest to my Self, to who I am.
I haven't lost myself.

With that,
Tears welled up in my eyes.
I cried. I also smiled.
I can still be me.

Sep18,2011

Every day, every moment, we face a crossroad. We can move forward, go back, turn right, turn left, or just turn to where we want to head to.

Sep11, 2011

I speak to myself:
To My Heart,
To My Soul,
I open my Self.
Let not my physical limits stop me.
Let me break free.
Knowing and Feeling,
With Certainty, amidst Uncertainty,
That I am not alone.
That I am Good.
That I am Enough.
That I am Free to be Alive.

Sep3,2011

the world becomes how we choose to see it. sure, it will never be perfect. but we definitely have a choice on how we will live at the present. and that is the point where possibilities come, because we finally open up, instead of being repressed and bitter. to be finally free, by our own hands.

Sep2,2011

constantly watching and bringing myself back from the world of dreams, reality and the in-between.

Aug19, 2011

We are all striving for our Humanity. May we all find it in due course. May we live our Journey with Peace in our Hearts. I wish you all Peace.

Aug2, 2011

I will not Sleep through my Life anymore.

I will Live my Dreams.

July29,2011

i am so alive in my mind and in my dreams,
That living in the world of Wakefulness
Seems like being encaged in one's own Invisible prison.

Yet, Once I am Awake,
Walking and Living Among everyone else in Reality,
The Mind and My Dreams
can either be Chains that hold me back in,
or Keys towards setting myself free.

July24, 2011

these four walls,
both familiar and foreign.
Watching through various lenses,
Ever changing with Time's passage.

One day, i shall See clearly,
with Mine own Eyes,
Mine own Heart and Mind,
Mine own Soul, Mine own Being.

Mine.

July11,2011

Am thankful for the blessings. It's not just luck or good fortune. Somebody is watching over me and the people that i love every moment. :) Thank you. :)

2011-12-10T12:46:00.001+08:00

in times of silence,
i find times that i look for sounds,
noise that will help mask away
the chilly and empty sadness.

in times of chaotic noise,
when words hurt and irritate me,
i run away to silence,
to quiet my troubled heart and soul.

and there are times of silence,
to which its quietness i keep,
knowing i want to vanish from this world,
yet holding firmly the string so that i wont fly away.

i close my eyes.
i breathe deeply.
please stop worrying, my dear.
there is no need to cry.

i want to stay still,
unmoved.
yet the world makes sounds,
and there's nothing i can do about that.

Sighing, and turning to face the window.
Looking out to the gray gloomy sky.
Rain flowing like tears of heavy sadness,
Releasing it to a world in need of dire loving.

2011-07-06T10:26:00.001+08:00

I hold my heart in my hands.
it beats strongly.
contracting strongly when in fear.
beating openly and freely when happy.
it makes me cry,
when i strangle myself
within the griphold of fear.
grasping for air,
hoping for a way
the break the walls of my chest.
to let my heart and soul fly away,
soar up in the open, free.

2011-06-06T23:18:00.001+08:00

burning music into audio cds.....

love..... :)

i've been smiling the whole day....

i didn't notice. :)

and am still smiling now.....

burning music into audio cds....

with love. :)

2011-06-01T00:11:00.002+08:00

When you find that at some point you are not that much afraid of your own death at all, how do you feel? I don't quite really know. but right now, i am in no rush to find out what's wrong with me. I am such a worrywart that the worry might get to me first than the actual condition. It is also weird of me to prolong what i could have known for almost a month ago. 2 weeks worried me, that i quickly called the family doctor. Yet when this thing has been going on for two months, and i am just taking my time because i am observing what is happening(or so i say to myself and others), it does seem crazy. I am afraid to go, to actually know. i am afraid of not knowing what it is as well. You can say that i want somebody to offer to go with me. I just want to be with somebody, i guess. But rather, more of knowing that i matter to somebody enough that they are willing to take time for me. I can go to the doctor alone, yet i didn't do so. If i had died not knowing, would i have regretted it? probably. now that i sort of have something that i look forward to. somewhat.

Desire. Contentment. Life Meditations.

2011-03-01T02:32:00.001+08:00

A very good friend has posted the following, quoting it from the Tao Te Ching:
"The Tao never does anything, yet through it, all things are done. If powerful men and women could center themselves in it the whole world would be transformed by itself in its natural rhythms.

People would be content with their simple everyday lives in harmony and free of desire. When there is not desire all things are at peace."

She also commented: "How do i truly flow with the No-thing, and yet " leave nothing undone?" Why am i so conditioned that i have to DO SOMETHING... otherwise i'm just lazy & unproductive? I know in my heart the No-thing is the Source of everything. Is it really possible for me to just BE, and still create an effect on the world?"

Actually, this will be the third time i am componsing this entry. The first was too chaotic, while the second was actually really good. Sadly, i didn't post that comment, went to eat, watched a movie, and when i got back, Facebook refreshed itself and so my comment entry is now gone back to Oblivion. I am just laughing it off. Probably i will be able write it much better this last time. I've composed it twice, re-organized my thoughts much better during the second time. I do hope i remember what i wrote. Here it goes.

My take on this is to not react to our Desires and Fears - coming through the forms of grasping/craving/clinging. Through personal experience, it is our reactivity to these that brings us the most suffering and regret. We react so quickly that we are not really even aware at the moment, blinded by jealousy, anger and ignorance, that we just end up making more mistakes and making things worse than it should be. It gets piled one on top of the other as we get swayed into doing the things that we think we are afraid of not doing and regret not correcting, the things that we think we desire for so much and must have fulfilled. It becomes murky, unclear, cloudy - all of these have used to describe that feeling, that mind and heart state. We find that we have lost our Selves, searching for it over and over again. Hoping that one desire after another will answer the question that we ask in Life, hoping that the thrill will make up for the uncertainty of all things. Is it really so? Or is it just a small part of the whole?

In all my dealings and relationships, Desire and Fears have always been a very central part of each one of them. I've reacted continually, and each just resulted to something that i felt i needed something about to "correct" it. I kept on doing something, always feeling the "need" in correcting it, only making it much worse one after the next. It brought me heartache, loss, shame, guilt, doubt, extreme confusion, paranoia, and even paralysis. i really thought i was losing my mind and my sanity. My whole being was filled with so much fear that i couldn't even move. The thought of living this life was almost invisible.... And to think that it was just all in my head.... It affected me that much. One thought after another, they swayed my heart. It made me do, think and say something. I will replay everything in my head. It intensifies the paranoia, as well as the paralysis. I lost trust in myself. I believed i was no good. I struggled so much to break free, but it was like quicksand and sticky molasses. i was stuck. Moving too much aggravated it and made sinking more imminent, the ability to break free unforeseeable. Meditation magnified all these tenfold - it shocked me so much that i stopped meditating for a long while.

Five months before all these started, i was taught meditation by this very friend who has posted the above quote. I cannot say that i was good at it. Who was? But i did my best to practice the best that i could at that time. At first it was even uncomfortable at all - well inside my mind that is. I always end up having aching back and legs, but that was about it. It did started mindfulness training for myself, even if i wasn't even aware of it that time. It was a few years after that that i actually learned about Mindfulness and Awareness. The lesson and experience of Meditation brought back life to this spark of fire in me. I've always resonated strongly to the matters of spirituality, past-lives, reincarnation, and so much more that our physical plane can't really completely understand. Even so, my wonderings kept me reading, looking for answers or a way to understand. The paranoia persisted for almost two years. I took refuge in Love - it kept me intact, protected, in this unstable part of my life. The friend who was always with me and beside me at that time sheltered me within the sphere of her love. But i was still so deeply encroached under the grip of Desire - for i have it all: clinging/grasping/craving. It was so great... I thought i was losing myself. by the end of the second year, my friend and i had a falling out. I admit that it was largely my fault too. But this experience of loss brought me back to myself. it proved to be a life-changing experience in that i started to change my own life by learning to finally help myself - I am the only person who can truly help myself more deeply. i started picking up the pieces of myself. "How can i help the people that i love when i myself am flailing around, waiting to be saved?" I usually wallowed in depression and came out all the more dark and hardened after each dealing and relationship. This time, i started walking my path towards healing.

Five years since that day i learned meditation and three years after my friend and i parted ways, i find myself still in the same predicament. What changed though from the point on? I am growing. I have started nourishing myself. I have become stronger for myself. I continue to Love. I am slowly able to let go and to just let it be. I don't meditate as much as i did when i first started. I actually don't meditate much at all anymore. I do take time to enjoy the silence, for it is rarely quiet in my head, chaotic and rarely in focus. But these past years attested this Truth for me: Meditation is not just practiced through sitting; Meditation is Mindfulness and Awareness Practice in Action, in each moment of our daily life, in everything that we do. Desire and Fear held me in paralysis back then. It still does. But when my Mindfulness and Awareness, cultivated through daily interactions with myself and the world that i have started opening myself to, bringme back to the Present Moment, i find the power to loosen the grip Desire and Fear has on me. I am the Key and the Answer to it all - to my own freedom, to my own growth, to my own Happiness. I have only realised this now, as i am writing this. Nothing is perfect. Good and Bad go hand in hand, and will exist like so. But our Present Mindfulness and Awareness when our Choices are made make the most difference, the most effect. For our whole being and intention are set into it. It bears our mark, "This is what i really want to do." I admit, it is a hard practice. i still stumble through it day in and day out. But i know i have learned from it, and i still do. I believe I have become a better person, and i am still growing and cultivating each day. I still feel down and confused on certain days, elated and up in the air in the next few. I make the step towards the next level. I can make it possible for myself or i can sabotage myself. It is all up to me. What shall i choose? I fail myself at times, but i always stand back up. As long as we don't give up on ourselves. Thank God i haven't given up and did not give up on myself. and thank God that i am surrounded by people who still stand by me and have stood by me.

Love with Your Whole Heart
In the spiritual path, there's nothing to get, and everything to get rid of. Obviously, the first thing to let go of is trying to "get" love, and instead to give it. That's the secret of the spiritual path. One has to give oneself wholeheartedly. Whatever we do half heartedly, brings halfhearted results. How can we give ourselves? By not holding back.
-Ayya Khema, "What Love Is"

There are still a lot of choices to make right ahead. Life is not the grand and perfect story that we thought it to be. It is the accumulation of each little moment that we live day by day, lived fully with Mindfulness and Awareness, and with Active Choice of Live or Drift. These moments usually just pass us by, and us always in Drift mode. Life will never be perfect. The sunshine will always be laced with shadows in certain areas. But there is perfection in this imperfection. For through these and our own imperfections, we learn that we are already perfect in every way. Perfect because we are able to make decisions for ourselves when we have faced ourselves completely. Perfect because we are able to appreciate the good and the bad and make the most of our Life. When we learn to appreciate our Life, we learn to appreciate the good and the bad together. We learn to appreciate that going through all of these experiences is the Perfect Life Plan, everything in its right place at the right moment at the right time to help us for the Ultimate Purpose - growth, cultivation, learning, evolution, Living and Being. There are and will be days that this will be hard to grasp, even for me. I tell you. I am laughing now. but it will knock the wind out of me later on. But i am still standing. It starts with Awareness, set free by Acceptance, leading towards Letting Go and Letting Be. This is a gift in itself. after all, we are very much the cause of our own suffering, and to some degree the suffering of others, too.

Live Lightly
We have to cultivate contentment with what we have. We really don’t need much. When you know this, the mind settles down. Cultivate generosity. Delight in giving. Learn to live lightly. In this way, we can begin to transform what is negative into what is positive. This is how we start to grow up.
-Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, "No Excuses"

In place of Desire comes Contentment. Contentment arises through Love and Gratitude. This is very much a bitter pill to swallow. Ego, Pride and all else will resist this. It's always easier to follow what we have been accustomed to - our Ego. But i find it pretty much worth it to be humbled by the above experiences. Because of Love and Gratitude, we learn to appreciate our Life and our blessings. Not all at once. But it warms our Heart, it revives our Being. We are able to view the same sky in a different Light. the same Nature that has surrounded us all along as a whole new experience. It's a simple pleasure, yet it is refreshing gift to ourselves. I always lived with a heavy chip on my shoulder - everything was dark, gloom. everybody was bad and i had to always be in full defense mode. I doubted a lot. I have soften up a bit, but i still am all those. But now, i know i have a choice. Appreciation brings humility, as well as paying it forward. We pass the Love on, even through just a good thought, a good word, a good deed. It won't be big ripple as we'd expect. Actually, don't expect anything. When we give, give fully without expecting in return. Not only will you feel good, the other person feels good as well. I believe in giving and doing good without counting the karma. Counting and Accounting for each good deed diminishes its value. It's like paying for your own deliverance, so in the end, you were still thinking of yourself and of your goal in saving yourself. Let people make the decision to pay it forward or not. Goodness multiplies, i believe. As long as we don't put a stop to it, as long as we don't build walls around it, around ourselves and from others.

Right now, i find so much more meaning in Master Cheng Yen's reminder from the Sutra of Innumberable Meanings (無量義經)， "One gives birth/starts/produces the Innumerable. The Innumerable begins from One. (一生無量。無量從一生。) " It is also from this reminder that i have found the answer to my dear friend's question, "Is it really possible for me to just BE, and still create an effect on the world?" A forest can start from one seed. as that one seed takes root and grows into a tree, nurtured and strengthen by both Nature's conducive and destructive elements, its fruits contain the seeds that become the trees in the forest. It spreads on and on. Just like seed of goodness in our heart, we have to nurture and cultivate it. In Living our Life this way, we touch other people's hearts with love and warmth, and the seed of goodness takes root in them too. Each of us nurtures and cultivates ourselves, and others around us as well; each person we meet is a Great Teacher, each person a Mirror of Ourselves to help us grow. When we bloom, everybody benefits. That is where the ripple comes in. We are a small drop in the ocean that affects those right around us, which in turn affects those around them. The web of interconnetedness becomes more obvious, more visible. It is no longer the "six degrees of separtion", it has become the "six to the infinite degrees of interconnectedness."

I believe it is time for all of us to take the time to grow. We are the only ones who can make that choice.

2011-02-03T00:00:00.003+08:00

i am just staving off sleep, when i know that i should go to bed. the weather, cold for a normal night in Manila. not that it is bad. not that it is good either.

so many things are darting back and forth in my mind. things to remember, things to do. hope and fear pop up now and then. then silence. and then something else. mouth is closed shut, not a word muttered. yet it is so loud in my head, my every thought resounding in this "silence". i could have sworn i have heard my voice, talking out loud. Only thing is, i am thinking out loud inside my head.

i wish to tell a lot of truths... truths that shall seal my fate in some horrible yet also enriching way.... balance, they say.... it's taking the good with the bad, and the bad with the good. you can never have everything good together and the same it is with the bad. you get what you're meant to get - you learn what you need to learn. and for people like me who have still stayed neutral, with no decision, i find no balance, for i want to get all the good, and none of the bad. i fear for how my life will fare with the bad that may come my way. i fear the end of my existence in this world - shut out from my loved ones, perceived differently because of the truth of who i am.

were it easy to tell the truth, i would have done so earlier on. yet for us simple humans, we have made it so complicated. rules upon rules of engaging with one another, that we have muddled up what should have been a straightforward and honest way of connecting and interacting with one another. walls we created around ourselves is not a problem. it's that we never can let them down anymore. so much for the truth now, since we don't really express it anymore. the majority versus the minority - a minority that aims to be true, authentic. Labeled. Shunned out. Outcast. we do that to each other, don't we? we were trained to conform, to respect others. but in respect to ourselves, do we do the same - respect ourselves and conform to our own ways and just be ourselves? Not really. Not much. That is why i so admire people who have walked out of their shells of conformity and stood as their own. Moving forward, striding with Self confidence. the warm fire of Life and Love burning in their hearts and souls. Beings that are not fallen down by anything else negative, and are pushed up farther ahead by all that is positive. Living, Moving, Connecting, Understanding, Embracing and Evolving into One. The Perfect Wholeness, Found from Within our own Imperfections as Humans. Indescribable, but completely understandable nevertheless.

Hold your Heart. Touch it. You know what you are looking for. a big part of it is love and peace from within. May we finally find and take on our paths. i wish us all well in our own journeys, Friend. May you be safe and well always.

2011-01-19T23:47:00.000+08:00

to cry from deep within....
releasing all unexpressed thoughts and emotions....

what does it take to connect,
unlock that door,
and release it out
from the dam of self-consciousness
to the vast open ocean
of Life and Reality.

too great that words cannot explain,
too simple yet always unappreciated.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

2010-11-07T13:18:00.002+08:00

(as reposted by Red Lebrun and others who came along this like my friend Venice and shared it by posting it on her facebook wall)

-----
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

LIFE'S A MESS.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO GET A JOB. INSTEAD, PLAY.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

BE HATED.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

LOVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

2010-09-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

saw this from Ellen's status at gmail. and i agree so much to all that it states.

Living Truly Free

2010-08-28T01:34:00.005+08:00

i can't describe the scenery from deep within my soul,
as great painters do.
i can't reach the highest and lowest range of tones,
as great singers do.
Barely at all, with my writing,
am i able to truly express what's been bothering my soul.

Hiding behind all pretenses.
Repressing all truth.
Fear of discovery.
Fear of being found.

I walk emptily into the world,
constantly searching for my path.
Walking each dark and lonely road,
stumped and questioning myself and the Universe still.

Along these paths,
i met countless different people.
I am truly grateful,
For they made my journey worthwhile.

Yet a voice within my soul
remains unheard.
A Love still unrequited...
A Being Caged in its open home - Myself.

My Heart remains close...
Hoping to break free yet hiding within.
My Soul Caged in my Physical Body
Staring at the sky hoping to soar free.

A Love in my Heart,
So Great and So Selfish,
It breaks my Being,
Shattering all over...
Over and over again...

Craving for attention
Craving for truth
Craving for discovery
Craving to be set free...

Even my love is unrequited.
A never-ending cycle.
repressed, unanswered.
Locked In.

I will always be incomplete,
constantly searching,
Banging each door of "opportunity"
Walking each path of "chance".

My Eyes and My Heart are Clouded and Blinded.
Grasping for an answer,
Clawing on empty space,
Creating a gap.

Hanging on to dear life,
Teetering atop highest expectations...
Falling on and on within the deep abyss of Uncertainty.
Losing oneself, enveloping oneself with the numbing darkness.

empty. Barren.
withered. dying.
Floating. aimless.
Dark. Lost.

Grating at the very doors that locks it in:
Constant Paranoia and Fear
Rejection, Expulsion,
Being an outcast and ending up alone.

We are Foolish!
Foolish for Lying to Ourselves!
Complicating our lives
With the intricate web of deception...
How Foolish and Dumb of us!

I envy those who live out their True Selves.
Risking it all - loneliness, rejection and more.
Their Hearts, Souls and Beings shatter, as Reality would have it.
Yet they Remain True to Themselves.
Broken yet True.
Instead of Perfect yet Deceptive.
Bonded to Reality,
They are not free from the hardships of Life
and the suffering of Living it,
But free from any lies.
Each one of us carries a scar -
a Scar we are afraid to show.
A scar we keep hidden.
The beauty of their Scarred Life Is that they don't hide it at all.
No life is perfect.
But it becomes perfect once we see Ourselves and Become Our Own.

Broken up in pieces,
i've done my best to mend myself.
Still hoping that one day,
i'll find my courage to no longer deny -
my Heart that loves truly
my Soul that lives freely
my Mind that rests peacefully
my Being that radiates brightly and completely.
No longer denying what and who I am
Who I Truly Am.

No more hiding
No more excuses
No more keeping safe.
No more denial...

To express what is truly in my heart.
To express what i really want to say.
To express the Truth.
To express the Depth and Beauty of our Soul and Being.
To Manifest the Timeless Wonder of the Beauty and Reality of all Souls.
And to finally rediscover and reclaim our Lost Humanity.
Lost Through Countless Lifetimes of Repression.
Found Through continued struggle for Release.

Be Free, Little One.
Don't Cry anymore because of Bitterness.
Cry because of Love, Joy and Humility...
Because you've been set free to be your Own.

Sing.
Dream.
Soar and Fly.
Live.
Love.
Be.

2010-03-29T01:26:00.003+08:00

there's beauty in working late at night.
quiet and solitude.
concentration and relaxation, in a way.

there's also beauty in working at home.
A little laid back, but not completely so.
Freedom, yet still adhering to certain personal work goals for the day.

and now, back to work. :) one more to go, and back to la-la land. :D
(with "Notting Hill" in the background, after X-Men 2 and some few other movies at HBO and Star Movies) Poor Diane. She had a bad dream a while ago. I am glad she is able to go back to sleep. :)

2010-03-20T13:10:00.002+08:00

you say that my feelings right now are pretty much mixed up - sad, sort of happy and relaxed, and neutral (i guess more on bordering towards some sadness).

what i plan to do tonight is to either watch movies/dvd series or actually finish a book (of whatever type - novel, comics that i have bought in thailand, or whatever else i have at home). i also find that i think i really need to finish burning aunt michelle a copy of the classical music i like. i seem to be finding it in myself somewhat lost and empty, listless, yet also somewhat content. content in the matter that i get to spend time with family. so relaxed is my schedule. though i am also thinking of other stuff - trips, stuff to save for now and buy later, things that i have to buy and thinking if i have enough funds to purchase such stuff, and paying for monthly pledges that i have made(will that leave me enough spending money for the next 15 days?) i think i do have enough, but why am i anxious and a little worried that i may not have enough and have to get some from my savings? i know i am holding myself back on that, but saving is not a bad thing at all. but why do i feel this way? i am not denying myself of any basic need, and i am deciding to spend wisely on stuff that i only do really need... i guess the very fact that i am afraid to touch the money lest i squander it on other things makes me anxious before i do anything at all - even in just making sure that i deposit the money. bah... i should not worry. i am aware of where i want to spend it, what i want to save it for, why i want to save it. i do end up splurging on some little thing, but i do know i also make and keep an effort to keep to what i can only spend on. there is no need to worry - i haven't done anything. and paying for what needs to be paid is my responsibility. so, there, done. :D

sadness and neutrality comes in to certain life events the last couple of days - chest x-ray results (2) of which gave me some scare. the first gave a little uncertainty, the second still needs to be interpreted by another doctor. to live life more and to take the risks i do want to take came into mind yesterday. but neutrality comes in because i don't want to overdo stuff - as i get rash, impulsive, emotional and all others.... to live doesn't mean that i go running off doing all the things i want (well, partly it is - to do things that i want, i plan to do, i dream to do), but a big chunk of it is actually living each moment of my life fully - with a happy, content heart, mind and soul - whatever comes my way. understanding and accepting life, and moving on, learning more, by "living" more - happy and content through these things. these words and thoughts come so easily. but i believe that each day, i find simple moments like these have become part of my day each day. i want to do more and to be more, but i am also happy(content) on where i am right now. of course, there is also that part which still yearns out, and so may seem discontented, but i tell myself that that is what will be and i will not force it. i will work towards it in my own pace, and the pieces will just fall into place. maybe that is really what is in store, or probably there is something much more to that, much different, yet equally meaningful. so many paths that i can see before me, but i can only choose one at a time. Dear me... i do hope that all of us will see that in our lives, so that we don't give up on ourselves, and persevere on forward...

but for now, i can only see Now clearer than Tomorrow. I don't really know what will come Tomorrow, and i cannot do anything about Yesterday anymore. i remember Yesterday clearly, yet nothing can change it; it changes us when we learn from it and accept it - it makes us who we were, who we are and who we will be. it makes us "us". it makes you "you", and it makes me "me". Not knowing it doesn't change things, knowing and understanding doesn't change anything else at all, except change us "inside" and therefore how we perceive life Now, how we decide to live life, and how we will perceive a Tomorrow for ourselves. There is no tangible changes, yet we know and feel them. We just do, and we feel happy, content, and complete, just as we are, just as things are. it is as if part of the missing pieces in the puzzle of our life have appeared or made itself visible and filled the spot where it had been missing from all along, giving our life more meaning, more color, more breadth and depth, and in a way, a wholeness/completeness that comes from being incomplete. And later on we realize that this comes from finally seeing, understanding and accepting that we don't lack anything at all, that we're not missing anything anymore, and that things are meant they are because we are the way we are - we are good and it has never left us. Don't you think so?

2010-03-06T22:59:00.003+08:00

it has already been three months into the new year. each day passes by so fast... and this is only the first time i've written since the year started. though i find myself somewhat troubled.... troubled by my own mental well-being...

i've been thinking a lot again lately. not something i expected. though that's one thing i've learned the past years - do not expect anything. same intensity as before, but i guess i'm more stronger and aware now, so it doesn't gripe me in fear too much anymore. It still can, but i can pry it loose most of the time.

recently, an opportunity for serious growth and self-reflection came my way, when a really close friend sent me the following statement: "when you are always conscious of how people might perceive you... you are actually thinking more about yourself than about them." this shook things up a lot in me. you can say i was caught truly unaware. how i felt - i felt challenged, lost, and a lot more insecure. there was so much truth in it, but it also felt like an attack to my Being. It's ironic in that way, as it was ironic how the words "authenticity", "self-conscious", "Being" seemed to have had two or more meanings. There were two ways that i had to see it from - from my point of view as My Own Being and from the point of view of my friend.

On my side, i found the truth in it because i am aware of my thoughts and feelings as they arise. i do feel self-conscious a lot, especially right afterwards talking with people. after being out there, i suddenly get a shock and realize that i might have said something wrong, that i was too forward or rash, that i was too "whatever" that i would worry about how i will end up looking. I am selfish being this way, and i feel guilty of being selfish. Of course, the very statement above also made me feel that i might have been a fake. This startled me a lot, that i felt dejected and listless, afraid and anxious, speechless and paralyzed. Has my 28 years of existence been a lie? Am i just who i think i am based on how i see people see me? So am i just projecting what they want to see me to be? Have i been living a lie? I asked so many questions of myself. I can't get it out of my head.

It troubled me so much, affected me, not just because there is the truth in it, but also because i was also trying to prove my existence - that i was real, that the life i have been living so far is true and real. I know that all this time, all i've said(and not said), done(and have not done), and experienced(and, you guessed it, have not experienced), are true, and i have been there when those things happened, aware but blind to it, up to the point that i am aware and facing it face to face, unable to run away anymore. When i speak my mind with really good friends, i convey these thoughts and feelings as i draw them from my heart, mind and soul. i have been true to myself and truly myself most times - in times when i can be alone, when i am with really good friends, and even with strangers. But i have to admit that on the other times, i work within the limits of "societal norms". I admit that i don't want things to get harder when things are already hard. I still have to live, work and function in this world with others, to coexist even if i am a usually antisocial and introverted person. I am still part of this world, even if at some point, i have to put on some cloak to hide some parts of myself so that i can fit in a little and be a good and respecting citizen. I do not want to destroy any thing - i want to help. I contribute. and part of this interwoven network and interconnected world. Only showing a fraction of my self... I am not fake, but yes, maybe i am a coward...

But, "living" my life so far, have i already done anything? Probably this is where my friend is coming from - her side, also the side that the Universe with Endless Possibilities present. Her statement also brought me back and helped me find myself once more - I am not lost, and I am not alone. I am here, now. And thanks to another friend, i am reminded of it all. Through another point of view, a much wider and broader one, Authenticity and Self-conscious somehow takes a somewhat different meaning. Authenticity in the sense that i live out more of myself in all that i do - speech, doing, Being - compared to the fraction i express and show to the world before. To not be afraid to shake things up a little in the world in the society with my ideas, my opinions, with My Presence. Taking rein and control of what i do, and doing more more aggressively. Rather, it is taking charge of myself rather than leaving it to the Heavens. It works that way - but at times, the Heavens do also wait for that very Action to roll the ball again so that we can progress to the next chapter(s) of our lives. To not be afraid anymore, and just be me. To Shine with my own Being, with my own Light. Just as we are all ought to be doing - radiating our Inner Light, so that others may find their Light and shine as well. To let go of the "self-conscious" that limits the Light to shine through, that controls what should have been long expressed, that shrinks away from the light of One's Being, that looks up on others and that sees only our own flaws, inhibiting our own confidence, our own Power, our Voice, and ultimately our Being.

We have grown to choking ourselves in our self-conscious ways because we don't want to offend society and to not make a disgrace out of ourselves - society has conditioned us to this, but we also played a passive role in letting it become a habit and a holding power in us. We blame others for being silent, yet we are ourselves guilty of being silent because we are afraid to rock the boat, limiting the change and improvement that will benefit one and all from coming into Being. WE chose not to speak up partly out of fear, and partly because we felt it was not our place nor within our power to do so. We are afraid to be casualties of a just cause, especially if we are not misguided at all. We fall back right into the same cage, the same rut. In the end, we disgrace ourselves for not being able to Live Fully, for not being able to just fully Be, for limiting ourselves from all that we can be. Degrading ourselves to be just less of what We already are - beautifully perfect and imperfect. Our perfect imperfection makes us unique and makes us who we are individually.

We don't find empowerment outside - just support - because empowerment comes from within. We hold the Key to ourselves, we hold the answers to our Life, We are our Life. All that matters now is, "Will i take charge? Will I use my Voice? Will I use my Life? Will I live my Life? Will I be I?" It is a challenge - will we heed the siren call and take it head on? Seriously, I still have to make my choice. And so do you.

2009-12-05T14:47:00.003+08:00

My Heart and Soul aches
Reaching its arms out,
To love deeply and intimately,
To love one, many and all.

Nameless Face,
Unseen Beauty,
Warm and Loving Soul,
My Heart and Soul seeks for Thee.

In each day, I learn in retrospect,
Finding Peace and Contentment,
Yet also having this unrequited longing,
To finally meet Thee one day.

In some way still seeking,
for the one Piece that i seem to be missing.
Not anymore of just myself,
but a part of my boundless Soul.

Where are You?
Are You waiting too?
May the Universe, the Highest Power, hear Us,
And may in their perfect timing, we be brought to meet in all the right details:
right time, right place, right moment.
And may We be allowed to live together in completeness,
In Light, in Peace, in Love.
And may We live on and on,
Our Souls never broken and torn apart from each other forevermore,
all throughout Eternity.

Awareness - towards "Digesting" our thoughts and emotions

2009-11-14T22:53:00.005+08:00

If i try to remember from way back.... from way back into the start... before being born into this world.... all i can remember is nothingness. It is quiet. It is also still in my heart. I can't see way beyond that, just as i can't peer past into the future.

Once you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, it's really hard to deny what you feel and how you are thinking about things in your life. Even if the day-to-day and the moment-to-moment happenings seem something as small as what you see, what color the sky is right at this moment, what you are feeling... you just can't deny that you can feel, hear, see and understand them all. Before being aware, you can easily be blind to it all. You can easily shut yourself within your own dark walls and stay away from it all. But after you've awaken your awareness, it is hard to lie to oneself. When you try to go on doing things the other way as you want it to, even if you know it will end the way you don't want it to despite wishing that it would still end in the best outcome possible, you end up regretting it because you chose to ignore what you truly did feel deep within you - in your heart and soul, as they speak to your mind directly. You know that you have to listen to yourself, but you chose not to. Of course, you end up being regretful and ashamed of not being there for yourself, but you learn from this, and you move on, growing and learning from these experiences.

I can feel all these thoughts running in my head; I can also feel the rush of different emotions that starts swirling here and there in my chest. I am aware of them all. And sometimes, i can be swept up by the strong current of these thoughts, by these feelings, or at times by both - a tidal wave of numbing proportions that leaves me paralyzed with fear. But more or less, in "ordinary" days, it's humbling to observe these thoughts and feel these emotions. You learn to be true and to be honest with yourself, and at the same time, start to acknowledge that we can be mean to others, even in just the simplest of thoughts. We may not say them out loud, but they're there - judging. When i feel myself judging, i remind myself that i am no different from them at all because i am Human, and i am not Perfect, yet I am who I am, with no need to change myself to hide my true nature. and even if i do hide those imperfections, it is with knowing that i yearn to change for the better by using those imperfections as grounds to improve myself and be a better person, not just for myself. Because when we do change, the effects of the(se) changes within us will ripple out towards those around us. They can feel the difference too. Just like when sadness can be felt by others and repel others to stay away, or when happiness/joy infects other people around to feel that light, warm feeling, these changes, no matter how subtle, can be picked up by another's heart, soul, being. We cannot deny that, unless we choose to be blind, unless we choose not to see even when we know it's there. Just like what i've read, it's like we call on this "fog" to obscure the real reflection from the mirror, distorting the truth or creating illusions.

Just this afternoon, i can remember feeling jealous, protective, happy, sad, afraid, caring, loving, judgmental, humbled, positive, negative, empowered, powerless, thankful, confused and unfocused, centered... These are a myriad of emotions, but i feel one or more of these at a certain moment, on its own or in combinations i cannot even name. In every second and each passing moment, my feelings change from one form to another, from one mood to another. Just imagine how thoughts were and are going through in my mind. It's like the flicker of the candle light, swaying to the flow of the wind - moving from side to side, shrinking, or suddenly bursting out in great heights - the wick burning slowly, or fast, due to the wax and oil that continue to feed its flames. We certainly cannot remove the wax(body) nor the wick(life). We live through it, until it ends, and we move on to another plane or back.

We learn to live with what we have in each reincarnation of our lives, and hopefully find contentment and peace by making peace and amends with ourselves and then with others, accepting who we are ourselves and then learning to accept and respect others. We yearn to truly "connect" with others, to find that "connection", but we must first "reconnect" from within ourselves. Hopefully, in the process, we find the answers from within and learn how we can be of benefit to others and to the Universe, even in our most singular form, in the most minute detail of Time and Space. Yes, these can sound so idealistic, and really hard to do, but it is achievable, as long as we do it with our heart and soul, and with the best of intentions. Never forget to be aware of your intentions in every action, in every thought, and in every word that comes from you.

Of course, being aware can be really hard at times, because you definitely know that you're sad or confused, and you're unable to help it but to just let it be. There will be days like that, just as there will be days when it is just so peaceful and calm, filled with happiness and contentment that all you can do is smile from your heart, from the inside out. :) Of course, it all depends on how you choose how to live each moment: lonely and bitter, or calm and humbled. :) We choose, we decide. So remember, you have that choice too. You always did have it, and you still do. :)

A first and very "eventful" year in my life

2009-11-07T23:22:00.003+08:00

in the last 26 years of my life, this 27th seems to be the most "event-filled" year. i don't know what will be coming in the years to follow, but certainly a lot has happened. comparing all that has happened below with the past 26 years, except starting from my 23rd or 24th year of existence in this world, life has been pretty dark for me. i had always thought cynically about stuff, always saw things at one dimension, carried a chip on my shoulder, burdening my heart with so many so-called heartaches, encircled and surrounded by my own fears and insecurities, thought that i was protected by keeping to my own, despite all the anger, despite all the fear, despite all the longing, despite all the sadness and despair, despite the loneliness, despite the "darkness" of it all....

First was the intention that i made this year towards growth in all aspect in my life. I think this started the chain of events, started the ball rolling... :)

Second, the change in my mom - in that she sorts of allows me to go to where i want when i tell her about, like she's is loosening her gripping hold on me.

Third, the sudden death of my paternal grandfather. We were just coming back from a family trip in Macau that very day. I believe my grandpa was just waiting for us to be back, safe and sound. He left the next day. But upon his leaving, somehow, "our" family (both immediate and among relatives) makes more effort to come together. :) "Angkong" is still watching us, i believe, smiling and enjoying a few tricks and jokes up his sleeves for us. :) For most, he is a kind and generous person. Within most of the family, he was strict yet loving. For me, i felt he wanted me to remember him this way, different in some ways from the others: loving and sweet, soft and kind, caring but not overbearing, affectionate when nobody is looking(but serious, self-confident and controlled most of the time when in front of others), seriously caring for the lives and the future of his family and descendants(sons and daughters, grandchildren and more great grandchildren, relatives, friends). And six months after his death, I am realizing that one thing about my angkong is true, even after death and in the after-life: he is a jokester at heart. Have fun, angkong. :) We are laughing with you. :) hahahahaha :)

Fourth, i was sick with dengue and was hospitalized for a week. Almost close to death at one point, i wonder what it is that are still in my life that i have to work towards for, my purpose. i've been relatively healthy all through my life, except in the first year of my birth and for the certain times in my life that my body was internally weak. Money truly cannot buy love, time and life; through the love people have for me, relatives, friends and co-workers donated blood for me so that the platelet can be extracted and be transfused to me. Thank you very much. The fact that i am living now is proof of your selfless love and care. :) Also, this gave me a new-found realization and gratitude for my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends, co-workers and all the people that surround me and are around me, near and far, in the circles and orgs i belong, and even those from outside those. :) We are truly a part of each other's lives, interconnected.

Fifth, i was stranded in the office due to the worst flooding yet in philippine history brought by "Ondoy".... not wanting it to be repeated, yet i found myself positive in that "mini-ordeal", that there is something to learn or that there is always a purpose to what is happening. i also learned that i was able to see it in a different light instead of being all negative, sad and complaining about it. i actually met and got to know someone new. even there, i felt warm and protected. and yes, after that day, the sun did come to shine again, welcoming a new day, and a new start/beginning.

Sixth, in this world, i am thankful and grateful that there are people like you who can understand me, much more than other people do. there are only a few of you who can easily understand and relate to me. i am often misunderstood, or seen as too deep or too serious about life. i guess at some point i am. :) but still, without you and some few others, i would only have writing to turn towards to, but that wouldn't be enough. i still need human interaction, even if only for the briefest time. to know that someone understands me, accepts me... whatever, whoever and however i may be... is a gift.... there is nothing i can do about people who don't understand me. but i can be thankful for having people who do understand me, and are there for me. :)

Seventh, i will be taking my real first trip ever on my own. I'll be flying to Bangkok and spending a week there. I am paying for all the expenses of the trip by myself. :) That's a first. :) Spending my hard-earned money for myself. :) It feels like some sort of independence in a lot of aspects. :) and i'll get to revisit and explore Thailand again(through and with myself, first and foremost, making it a very special and personal trip), and most importantly, see my Thai friends once again. :)

And Eighth, i am thankful and grateful to family, relatives and friends who continue to have faith in me, believe in the goodness and strength and me, and accept my imperfections as well together with the whole. Thank you for listening, advising and encouraging. Thank you for explaining, and for being frank and truthful. The truth hurts, but we learn from it. :) Thank you for being You. Your words of kindness, truth and honesty when speaking to me and when speaking/sharing about me to/with others help contribute in helping and letting others "see" me in a different perspective when they used to just usually see me in a negative light.

I may sometimes feel somewhat down and depressed, confused and listless, worried and paranoid, tired and unnerved. But this doesn't stop me anymore from looking at the bright side and the silver lining, from hoping and dreaming of and for the future, and from appreciating the reason why we are where we are and why these things happen to us. Each moment has a reason. Each moment a lesson. A small bleep in the vastness of our life, our spirt and our universe, yet every seemingly small speck of activity affects a lot of things which we most of the time are blinded to or just don't notice at all. :)

Good day, Everybody. May you be blessed. May you be safe. May you be well. Always. :)

Note:

There is actually a Ninth that i forgot to mention: This year, i was able to reconnect with friends or people that i wanted to get to know way back in high school. There are two of them, both upperclassmen, but they are really nice and great people. i really wanted to get to know them better back then, but i was myself occupied with my self-pity and insecurity, and they were also in something of their own as well. Meeting them again this year, after almost 10 years i think, and being able to talk to them, enjoying our conversation and each others' company is truly something to be happy about. It is as if we are given another, or rather, the right chance and opportunity to get to know each other after we got to do some of our own growing. :) If I am allowed to say it, i believe that the Universe brought our paths together again because the "Now" now is the right time. If we got to get to know each other back then, the outcome could have been different. But now that we are both "ready" ourselves and ready to meet, it's like the Universe brought us together once again so that we can start a friendship anew through this meeting. It's like, or rather, it is the perfect timing. and i believer there is a reason for each and every thing that has happened to us. We are each different yet also the same in who and how we were back then and who and how we are right now. :)

Wait.... Sit.... Simmer..... Boil..... Voila!

2009-11-07T23:13:00.002+08:00

"simmer within the deep bowls of chaos/confusion and self-reflection... and when it comes to a boil, at the right time and at the right moment, the cover is opened up and removed, releasing the fresh aroma of understanding, acceptance and peace that you have found and discovered within yourself, waiting to be broken free from its hiding place within you."

"opened too soon, and you learn you should have had waited. opened too early, and realizing it, you wait within the cover and the pressure. opened too late, and you may end up dried up, rancid and gone bad, tired and desolute, cynical, depressed, wasted, feeling unworthy, dark and powerless, lifelessness staring out of your eyes..."

2009-10-03T00:44:00.003+08:00

this is the tv ad that brought my attention to WFP(World Food Programme)

They have more youtube videos here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/WORLDFOODPROGRAM

or better yet, visit their website at www.wfp.org

We can help change the world for the better - one day, one moment, one action, one kindness, at a time. Each done truly and deeply from the heart. One at a time. :) It matters. :) All we have to do is to take that step. :) The Power of One. :) You just never know how far one act of kindness goes. :) It goes a long, long way. :)

2009-10-02T20:38:00.002+08:00

Let's help start helping one billion. Let's pay it forward, and share this to the world. :)

2009-09-20T18:17:00.002+08:00

do you sometimes feel stuck in your body? does your soul feel that it is jailed inside its physical vessel? it feels like that at times.

time seems to be moving on. not that i am not glad to be alive, after needing a platelet transfusion because of dengue. well, that is how time is. silly me. :))

but you know, for you and me, it seems like we're not getting old and such. but now, when i see my nephew grow bigger and taller each day, walking and trying to learn to do new things by himself, you kinda feel that you are actually really "getting older". compared to his continuous growth, we kinda seem to be "stuck" in this growth. we don't grow physically anymore, except in that we grow "old". Physically, some aspects will change up until old age and death, but also, changes will abound in what we do with our bodies. I hope that "inside" - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally - our growth is not stunted either, but rather, continuing to grow and evolve despite what has already stopped in the physical process(in some way).

Just sharing what was in my mind the other night. I did feel somewhat stuck, that most adults feel stuck at where they are right now, in whatever aspect you can think of. You can say that sometimes, it is a physical matter. yet there are also times that it is not the body at all but rather our hearts, our minds or our souls that are bound shut.

Good day, everybody. :)

Beautiful Portraits

2009-09-18T23:41:00.005+08:00

This guy is amazing. Each one of us is truly given a gift - something that we are truly good at, something that we really love and enjoy doing, something that makes us feel good and makes others feel good and happy as well, something that we hone our whole lives to become better and better, something that we work hard on no matter what others may think, and at some point, truly a life force that helps us go on and persevere, no matter what. :) Please view his website. :)

http://www.theportraitart.com/index.html

http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePortraitArt

Here's a sample of the portraits he draws.

Note: This image is not mine. I don't take credit for the image, and the sole use of this one image is to share the artist's gift of beauty in art - I am posting it here on my blog so that i can show others why you should see more at his website. I add this note to this entry so as to ward off any thoughts of and on plagiarism/copyright and the like legal claims, on my part and those of others. The owner of ThePortraitArt has full rights to his portraits/images.

2009-08-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

Nice Read. :) Thank you, Drew. :) I really like this. :)

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/30/can-do/

One of these days...

2009-08-08T10:38:00.001+08:00

There are days when you feel raw..... raw inside and out...... it would start some little simple irks, when you feel hurt. You try to let it go, but it seems to stick in your mind. And at point during that period, you just want to fully feel the sadness, and to fill up some of the emptiness that you suddenly feel. You indulge yourself deep into something not of you, something external like music, writing, or just plain keeping to your own. You are aware of all of these, but you seem not to care at all. Today, it feels like nobody cares, and so wouldn't you. you wouldn't care. you wouldn't talk. you will just let them be on their own and not mind them. but truly, you want them to realize how you are feeling without telling them, by way of the coldness you send their way. You want them to have a dose of their own medicine. Like now, even how much i care for this friend of mine, what they did felt to me like a disregard.... so i moved away.... they didn't care. and so, i chose not to care as well. i believe, i am trying to wrap myself in my own space and create walls around me, by closing my ears to listen to music so that i wouldn't hear the world beyond the invisible walls of music i created, and by emitting vibes around my space, sending out signals to stay out if you don't really care at all.

i immersed myself into music. but it wasn't enough, and finally i delved into writing this down. Writing always has a calming effect to me, if not, it makes me go crazy with thinking. Music seems to amplify my feelings though. But it doesn't matter, emotions do get amplified at times, and in a good way, just as long you don't get hurt, you don't hurt other people, and you are able to keep it and release it all by yourself with no casualties whosoever, wheresoever, whensoever, whatsoever. it helps it live itself out, to wear itself out. i've been pretty much calm the past few months, and am thankful for that. so, that means i am bound to get moody at times, just like today, after such a long while. i am human after all. But at least now i am aware, in that i'd rather keep it on my own, instead of lashing out, and being productive in the process. :) a different way of handling things, instead of reacting badly immediately. :)

and hey, don't i feel better now? :)

Update:
Actually, like after half an hour, i realized that i may be "angry"/irked at a different other than my officemate. and so, i even took the first step to talk with her again. the truth is she didn't even know. :) hahahah :) so while my ears were plugged with earphones, she was talking to me (all of which she forgot about when i asked her what she told me while i was not listening) but of course i didn't hear a simple thing. though she did wonder then why i weren't answering. so when i told her that i was listening to music instead, she said, "that figures." though now, a part of me regrets doing so because i didn't hear what she wanted to share with me. you have to note though that she didn't even had an idea or an inkling that i was angry. hahah :) shows us that when we are angry or irritated, we do stupid things that we regret when we should have just let it be. :)) oh well. :)

Life Affirmations

2009-07-21T14:17:00.001+08:00

I have finished reading my friend's article here at his site:
http://bodhishilta.multiply.com/journal/item/6/Call_of_the_Mystical_Conch_Shell_Total_Solar_Eclipse_in_Cancer

I felt the urge to write the following. It was just supposed to be a comment, but i ended up sharing more. :D

Here is the actual text that i wrote:

Hi Ish. :) as always, i enjoy reading your articles, and more especially so because you write straight to the point, each paragraph unfolding fluidly from one to the next. and they do come in at the right time, re-affirming some of the things i have went and been going through.

Pretty much, you can say, my life from when i was younger up to like 4 years ago, it's been pretty much the same. Not that i am complaining, mind you, for financially, i need not anything much. What i wanted, i can save for. Yet, i've always been looking for something, and you can say i felt empty. Always seeking love. In short, i always felt something missing, especially unable to express my true love and feelings to the people i care for. I write, even back then, but i keep my writings and share it with only a special few.

Four years ago, i went to study abroad. It's a nice liberating feeling, especially since i found and realized that i am able to care for myself and there is so much people i met. I studied for another term, and i guess things were set into motion during that time, opening up to more experiences, learning new stuff and ideas, meeting much more people and getting to know the world more. It also involved being woken up from my Soul's deep slumber, after being set aside and put to sleep during my high school years. You can say that the repressed thirst for my spiritual journey has been quenched, and still continues to be nourished. I have finally started to tend to my own Spiritual growth and journey.

But when i got back after a year of studying, i suddenly fell into this deep paranoia and confusion. Feelings of inadequacy made itself more known, fear gripped my heart, mind and soul that at times i even found myself unable to move. So much fear, i believe, and it also led to so much rage. It felt like hell to be in, to have to undergo that every single day. I didn't want to wake up - i just wanted to sleep and live in my dreams, where i was able to do more for myself, with no limitations at all.

But a year ago, things also started to change. It was as if i was purging all these emotional poisons out, initiated by the loss of a friendship. From it, i was able to finally actually understand what my cousin have been telling me all along - that i am the only one who can help myself. Because starting from there, i picked up the pieces of my heart, of my life. I picked up those that i choose to keep - learnings, experiences, memories - and have learned to let go of the other pieces in my life back to the Universe. Something ended, but another started anew. It was the ongoing journey of my awakening. Awakening is such a big word, but i believe i am allowed to use it as it is for it fits what my soul is going through. Through that year, i became emotionally stronger through the process of my own healing, learning to love myself, and in the process do indeed care for myself.

Right now, i believe that i am continuing to grow this year. I have more learnings, realizations that i ever did. More probably because i have opened myself, and started to be more conscious and aware. When the Year started, my heart and soul yearned and reached out. I have sent my intentions out to the Universe - for continued growth in all facets/aspects of my life. I pretty much believe that the Universe is answering my prayers. :D I still feel stuck at times, but i can count it with my one hand. :) The rest seem to fall into place. :D Aside from that, i am happy to find myself in a more positive disposition, emotional and spiritual-wise. I have chosen to let go of what i can't control, of the uncertain, and have chosen to enjoy what i can in the moment, even in the simple pleasures of a simple life, in the contentment and gratitude for what i still have, for what i am still learning, for what i am still receiving and being showered with. I believe much more that i am meant to be where i am right now - still in the fertile land of growth that is still nourishing me. This stage in my life is preparing me to be stronger and more at ease and in connection with myself - a synergy with my own soul - before i am able to finally go off and journey further into this Universe of ours. But aside from that, i believe that it is also helping me realize my connection with my parents (especially with my mom, and that is why this article feels relevant to me as well). They may be preventing me from some things, but recently, my mom just let me be. She may have not completely approved, but she just let me go. Just like that. :) I am definitely happy that an uptight relationship is finally learning to loosen up a little. I believe it works both ways - both of us are less stressed and i believe we are both able to smile at each other more now. It may be something little, but for me and my mom (i don't know if she is aware of it), it is a big baby step. :) By the time they let me go out on my own to explore the world and Life, i believe by then i will be much more stronger on my own, and able to live fully with their blessings. Also by then, they may have finally opened up and found some comfort that their children can finally go on, be independent, and live on their own. I am still in my parents' protective care for now, and i believe that the Universe has made it so and is preparing me to be stronger. And I believe it is not just me that is getting stronger - i believe that my parents going through one as well, of growth in their own way, and in letting go. :) i am sorry that i am not able to fully expound on it., but i believe everything is going in the positive direction of continued growth. :) I believe that everything that happened in our Life is meant to be. :) and i believe it more and more each day, and in each passing moment. :) Our Life affirms it. :D

Haha :) Ish, i should have just posted this on my own site. :D it is already a journal entry, after all. I hope you don't mind my sharing this long. :) and yes, i'll probably post this on my blog as well. :D But thank you as well. :)

The Smiling Inner Child

2009-07-12T18:49:00.002+08:00

Thanks, Drew, for always encouraging me to write down my thoughts. Thank you, for a lot of you out there who also have reminded me to write. :)

Well, it's been a while since i've been driving alone during the daytime. On a pretty quiet sunday morning, unaffected by any severe slow-moving traffic, i find myself in a relaxed mood. and in some way, at awe of the present moment of sunshine, blue skies, and the very motion of driving a car. it is a beautiful sight and beautiful moment, much like being stuck in that time warp somewhere. I guess we can always call on this "time bubble" if we really want to. It is a serene experience - my heart smiles.

Pictures of my childhood came flooding by my mind, flashing by and playing in my mind as if it was just a few moments ago. These childhood memories are still so vivid and clear, as if i am still seeing it at that very moment. In my mind's eye, these memories roll on through my head as i saw it through my eyes at different ages: seven, ten, fifteen, and so on through my high school and college days. I "saw" how i rode the bike and fell down. I "saw" myself walking through the halls of St. Joseph Bldg during college. Even the feeling during those moments, i can still remember clearly now. It is as if time didn't pass, but of course, we know that it did.

Yet even at this age of 27, some of us would feel so old, that our youth is starting to pass us by or rather has passed us by. I believe otherwise. Given this glimpse today, it is a reminder that the child in us and our Soul - Ageless and very much Alive within us - never withers and dies. As we grow in our physical body - toward old age and death, our Soul lives on and keeps on learning throughout the ages. Even if we come to an age when we will be walking around with a cane, stopping by to catch our breathe after a walk around the corner or just being plain slow with everything else, the eyes of our Inner Child, the eyes of our Soul, it will never get old nor will it lose its sparkle. Even by then, we can still "see" everything with the eyes, the heart and the soul of a child. We have never lost it; it has always been in us. It is just like we have chosen to put on that "rose colored lenses of adulthood" when we reached a certain age, even when we didn't have to. Yet we can always choose to take those lenses off, for a while or even forever, and see life unencumbered by limitations, illusions and the clouds of fear. We always have a choice on how we choose to see our Life, on how we perceive all that have happened and on how we feel on all that we have experienced. It is up to us, Our Self, and how we decide to live each moment. We can feel detached. Or, with our child eyes, we see things as they are, nothing more and nothing less. But that we wouldn't be a problem, because we accept things and people as they are, even situations, and we go on living our lives with a smile, living each moment fully. What matters is only Now, nothing else.

Our soul, from when we were younger and up to this very moment, it is the same soul. To the soul, time passes yet it grows not old. Our soul, it is and will be as vibrant and alive as it is now as it will be when we leave this body. Whether or not we are aware of it, our Soul is there. Our Self. That's why we can live through hundreds and thousands of lives, yet not feel old. Free, even in this material body. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life, happy, content and at peace, and just being US. Just Be and nothing more.

And there's nothing more and there's nothing else that we would and can ask for. :)

Be well, my friends.
Be well, oh Universe.
May Peace and Love Prevail in all Realms.
Safe life journeys, everybody.

and don't forget - let your heart smile every day. I am pretty sure you'll be smiling sometime afterwards. :)

2009-05-26T22:21:00.002+08:00

half sleepy...
half giddy....
wishful thinking...
dreaming to once again live...

oh beating heart,
let me listen to your whisper.

Despite your rhythmic beat,
your silence holds lots of truths -
those of the world and of my soul.

you know me...
even when i don't speak.

Such is your beauty,
such is your power,
such is the depth,
oh we so wish to fathom.

oh, live not in fear!
stand true to where thy heart is.
Be swept not by doubt simmering beneath thee.
Go forth, despite good or bad,
courageously, with an open and accepting heart,
take an Adventurous Ride,
both known and uncertain,
on Life's Moving and Rolling Wheels.

2009-04-19T17:46:00.002+08:00

got scared a while ago.... i am afraid that i am just seeing the world in one "frame of mind" - in that when you see others, you think and ask why are they living that way (not that there is anything wrong with the way they are living). I am afraid to get stuck in just one frame, and at some point "judge". as if you just "see" things in that one way. i don't want to judge, i want to keep an open mind. i live my life, we live our life the way we want it - adhering to the practices we have chosen to become parts of our lives. i want to broaden my mind and my heart. i may not understand completely, nor may i accept everything, but at least not to shut anything out. to just let anything be as they are.

while i was watchng this commercial, and i kinda caught myself thinking in "one" way. you know... and it disturbed me. really disturbed me. if i am not aware, i may end up just falling into seeing that way without knowing. just like horses whose peripheral visions are covered when they are harnessed to carriages. i fear that i'll think that the only correct way to live life is the way one lives one's own life, and to get stuck in thinking the teachings that i've been so used to hearing for the past 3 years i end up conforming to and thinking to be the only path, fearing that if i don't do so, that i'll be "damned" in some sort. though i know deep inside that this is not the case. i know that we live our life the way we want it - we decide on how we live it, through each decision/choice we make. whether it adheres and conforms to how others live or not, it doesn't matter as long as you have not wronged others in anyway. you live your life in peace, and leave them to live their lives in peace. freedom from the consecrating eyes in us that is afraid of what others think of us. i don't want to close myself. i don't want to end up just seeing something wrong in the way people live their lives when there is nothing really wrong about it - it is just the way they choose to live. i don't want to create limitations, when there is no need to set up such limitations that may possibly block us to a lot of things. i don't know... that's how i feeling. i can't really express it word per word, and i feel that i can't truly say it out, but i hope you get what i meant.

i just realized if i hadn't caught myself just thinking that way a while ago, who would have known if i could have continued thinking that way later on and shut out all other thinking or point of views. it's always better to have a wider point of view, by listening to other people's point of view. to expand one's understanding. i want to keep open, to keep neutral at some point, to be able to give the benefit of the doubt when needed.

I AM ALIVE

2009-04-15T23:16:00.004+08:00

LET ME GO!
LET ME GO FREE!

RELEASE THE STIFLING GRIP AROUND MY NECK!!
LET ME BREATHE ON MY OWN.

LET GO AND STOP HOLDING ON TO MY WINGS!!
LET ME FLY AND EXPLORE THE WORLD ON MY OWN.

I HAVE TRIED MY BEST,
AND EVEN WITHOUT YOU DOING ALL THOSE THINGS,
I AM ALREADY IN THESE INVISIBLE CAGE,
WOVEN FROM THE STRINGS OF FEAR AND CONDITIONING YOU HAVE PLACED,
PLACED SO GREEDILY.

MANIPULATING YOU?
I HAVE NOT!
I AM JUST SPEAKING UP!

I AM NOT YOU.
OR PROBABLY YES, I AM LIKE YOU.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE MANIPULATED AT ALL!
JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW!

I AM DOING MY BEST,
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T SEE!
YOU SAY THAT YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN I DO IT?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT ANYMORE,
NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW CALMLY I TRY.

YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELVES.
AND SO, I LEARNED FROM THE BEST: YOU!
SO WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT I JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF,
I HOPE THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE YOURSELVES IN THAT.

I COULD HAVE GONE OFF.
BUT GOSH, I STOPPED OUT OF RESPECT.
SO PLEASE, RESPECTFULLY GIVE ME MY SPACE.
LET ME COOL OF MY STEAM.
BOTHER ME NOT WHILE I AM SO.

THIS HOUSE CAN BE SO STIFLING ALL THE TIME.
HOW QUIET AND PEACEFUL IT IS WHEN I AM ALONE IN THE HOUSE.
RELAX YOURSELVES AND ENJOY YOUR TRIP WITHOUT ME.
LET ME ENJOY THE PEACE THERE IS FOR MYSELF, NOT YOURS.
AND ENJOY YOUR PEACE THERE, WITHOUT MY "NON-CONFORMING" WAYS.

SOMETIMES, IT IS NOT RESPECT ANYMORE.
IT IS FEAR.
I AM LEARNING TO FACE MY FEAR ONE DAY AT A TIME.
YOU ARE ONE OF MY GREATEST FEARS.
BUT YES, I AM ARMING MYSELF TO BE STRONGER,
EACH MOMENT, EACH SECOND, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, EACH YEAR, EACH LIFETIME.

I WILL BE STRONGER.
I WILL BE WISER.
I WILL NOT WISH YOU ILL-WILL.
BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTINUE TO SNUFF AWAY THE FIRE
THAT WISHES TO SHINE BRIGHT,
ON ITS OWN!

BAD JUDGEMENT?
ARE YOU REALLY PROTECTING ME FROM MYSELF?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO SAVE ME WHILE I WAS OUT THERE?
NO! SO PLEASE, REMEMBER THAT!
I HAVE HANDLED MYSELF WELL, EVEN WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE, WHEN I WAS AWAY!
SO, IS THAT STILL BAD JUDGEMENT?

CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING, AT ALL?
CAN YOU EVEN SEE ANYTHING ANYMORE?
I WISH TO IMPROVE MYSELF, ON MY OWN.
I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I WILL BE "IMPROVING" MYSELF IN YOUR EYES,
THE WAY YOU WANT! ISN'T THIS MANIPULATION?

CHILDISH? YES, I CAN BE CHILDISH!
BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME ACT MY OWN AGE!
BECAUSE I CAN'T DO WHAT I WANT LIKE PEOPLE MY OWN AGE!
YOU DON'T TREAT ME AS AN ADULT.
YOU TREAT ME AS A CHILD - A CHILD UNABLE OF ANY DECISIONS.
IS IT MY FAULT?
HOPE YOU REALIZE THE RIGHT ANSWER.

LET ME IMMERSE MYSELF INTO SOMETHING MORE.
SELF-CENTEREDNESS TO YOU.
FINDING AND LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF - FOR ME.
LET ME FEEL MYSELF - AND ACCEPT MYSELF.

I AM TIRED.
TIRED OF YOU.
I LOVE YOU.... BUT I AM TIRED.
I LOVE THAT ONE PERSON YOU HATE,
AND I WILL CONTINUE LOVING AND LOOKING UP TO THAT PERSON.
FOR HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I CAN BE STRONG AS I CAN BE.
I AM STRONG!
I AM SERIOUS!
I AM ALIVE!

2009-04-12T23:25:00.002+08:00

a while ago, i was just reminiscing..... of what i've learned - how to handle myself in certain situations, meeting with new people, learning to get along with myself better... stuff like that.... what a roller coaster ride, in some ways, and it was fun. if it wasn't, well, it was worth learning from - because i learned a lot and now know how to take care of myself if a similar circumstance arises in the now and the future. experiences definitely are worth cherishing, and worth learning from. some may leave good memories with us, others sort of embarrassing, but still, a lesson can be learned, as long as we are ready to take it.

mind is pretty empty and calm now.... but at one point during the evening,it was like there was this pulsating feeling in me, wanting to go deeper and further into myself.... i wanted to cry.... but i don't really know why anymore.... i just wanted to reach in...... there is more.... but that is just it.... i am unable to reach it yet.... spending more and more quiet time with myself - i seem to want this. i have been spending quiet time, meditation time, for myself, during the past few evenings. today, a part inside of me really wanted to, as if it was able to reach out during those sessions with myself. of course, i didn't do so tonight, because i was processing why i was having these thoughts. and at times i felt like i just want my mind to blow up, into nothingness.... can the call to meditate be addicting? i don't know. but for the past few days, it called to me, and i just followed - at the same time praying and sending energies of love and healing to people i care for and to the people of the world.

anyway, at this time, i must go to sleep, even if i don't really feel sleepy at all. vacation time has ended once again, and tomorrow is another day of work. not that i totally hate it, nor do i totally love it. anyway, will try to sleep.

2009-04-06T22:47:00.004+08:00

Today, i spent the late afternoon up until the evening at my sister's house. :) We were suppose to have a movie marathon, but ended up watching just one movie. Haha :) but anyway, we had dinner at their place. Before going down to eat, i had to leave Harrod with my bro-in-law. As i was about to move towards the door, Harrod cried out, as if asking me not to leave. He was really about to cry. I find it really sweet. :) Of course, I reassured him that i'll be coming back and Harrod kept quiet. :) It happened twice tonight - the other time being when i left him with my sister so that i can rest my arms for a while. :) haha :) even in small ways, it is nice to be needed by somebody. :) well, for now. :) but i guess i must remind myself not to get hooked to being needed by others, because in time he will not need me the same way. I'll be there when he needs me. I'll let him be when he doesn't need me; I'll enjoy being me and enjoy my own time when that happens. :) i do pray for that. :) it doesn't always mean that if you're not needed, that you're useless to that person anymore, that that person doesn't care for you anymore. Rather, it's time for both of you to spend time by yourselves, the way you choose to make the most of that time of your life while apart from each other. :) There's a time to grow together, and a time to grow on one's own. :) I am just realizing this. :) because i still find myself feeling this way, even up to just very recently. ;)

sounds idealistic, but i hope we will all be able to equally live comfortable lives.... Wars, greed, poverty, illness, hunger.... i hope we can all make a difference in each others' lives, in small or even big ways, ending the suffering...

But we must also be reminded that we all view things, the world and our own lives differently.

in the end, all these depends on how we choose to see or view things - our lives, our selves, our world, our experiences, our present. the perspective really matters. and if we take it and learn from it, each experience is a very important moment in our life - it doesn't go to waste because it is meaningful, we are learning something, finding something of value, discovering truths, accepting truths and realities, and/or we even live it fully as is. :)

2009-04-05T00:20:00.003+08:00

My mom and my brother are on a trip in China. So it's just me and my dad at home. I have just been watching tv, sort of, and just surfing around in the virtual world we call the internet. As i stood up from the bed, my present position in life flashed into my mind.

"I am working in a non-profit organization, as i wanted. I am doing my best to help save the environment by not using the air conditioning unit, but use the electric fan instead as well as other stuff. I am driving myself around now. I don't have to worry about food and lodging. I have what i need. I am also getting to read a lot, download and watch movies, and watch tv whenever i want to. I don't really have to worry much at all about work once i am home. Even if it is hard to get out once in a while, i actually don't really have to worry about anything. My life is simply what it is right now.

Am I where I am supposed to be?

the past few years and what has just transpired from then and now seem to point that out to me. With all those experiences, deep in my heart, i know that i am where i am supposed to be. I have been learning from this experiences. and even up to know, drawing realizations and still drawing strength and courage from these experiences. Even my dreams have been pointing that out to me. Places that i dream of flash before me when it suddenly comes into view a few days, a few months, or sometimes a few years after.... I am sort of in a neutral and balanced plane right now. Emotion-wise, it is the same as well. Even if sometimes politics here and there mar my view of the world, i am still surrounded by loving people. When changes happen, i am surrounded by a loving environment. Wherever I go, I am taken cared of by people i care for, and i do my best to take care of them as well because i do care for them as well. So i wonder if it is time to move on or time to stay some more while i gather more strength, more courage, and more inner peace and stability. Will the opportunity show itself, when the time to move on has finally arrived? Deep inside, i try to feel for it, and pray that i be mindful. i also pray that i continue to learn and to continue to take things as they are, to make the most of these current experiences in the present, and to continue to open and broaden my heart, mind, body and soul to different emotions, views, experiences and realities. To learn more, to grow more, to evolve... to be more of my Self, for my Self and later on for others as well."

Deep in my heart, i still want to make a difference in the world. I want to help make a difference. I want to make things better for all of us. As to how, i still don't know. I want to share the goodness there is. Of course, as to the realities of life, i hope that we can learn to look at it from different angles but still be able to find some angles of similarities to connect to each other. As i used to say, "May our similarities bond us together, and may our differences strengthen this bond." Or it could be the other way around, "May our differences bond us together, and let our similarities strengthen this bond." I think the latter one is the right one. But the former can also be another way to come from.

We look and search for inner peace, but sometimes, it finds us on its own. When we least expect it, when we are not resisting it. I hope that this happens not because we grew tired of the world, but rather because we have achieved a new understanding that helps open our hearts, our eyes, our minds, our bodies and our souls to what is always there and has always been there.

There is nothing more that we need, because WE are more than what we need and much more.

2009-04-04T00:01:00.002+08:00

When i was younger, i heard that there was a reading telling that of my fortune/future. The person said that i'll get married at the age of 24. As a child, i could see myself married at that age, and i didn't mind at all. You could even say i was proud.

Now, at age 27, at this very moment, i realized that i can't even see the next 50 years of my life. All i can see is a blank. hahaha :) i wonder if i will even get that 50 years more of life, and living each moment fully and courageously. :) But thinking of it, who knows of our future? :) I would love to see and fulfill my dreams in the future. But all i can see clearly was the past, and how everything came so fast. Almost 27 years.... but there is still more. We just don't know how the future will unfold. Oh well. talking about that with my co-worker, we just laughed. :) and i guess that's the best way to deal with it - to just laugh, be happy and just let it be, free to unfold in its own way, in its own time, at the right time. :) for now, the present's what we have to make the most of. and I am glad to be happy, content and at peace most of the time. Still dreaming, wishing, praying of a future lived fully. :)

2009-04-01T01:44:00.002+08:00

Lying on the bed in a dark room, in front of the computer, I realized how i feel at peace now. I used to not feel this way. I would always be filled with paranoid thoughts, even right before i go to sleep and as soon as i wake up. I yearned to sleep to get away from it, and i yearned to stay asleep to stay away from it. Yet each day, i would wake, and it would all through me. Everyday, i did end up smiling, i did end up opening up. I did make a friend. I also lost that very same friend. The value of the friendship is priceless, yet the lesson i learned and gained from this experience is also very priceless: i learned to let go, i learned to move on, i learned to forgive myself, i learned to still see the goodness with the bad, i learned to be there for myself, and i learned to be at peace with my self.

there is not one day that i do not regret the loss of that friendship. Yet the lessons gained are those that i also treasure very much. It has made me stronger - the experience, the person, the friendship - both during its life and its death. During the life of that friendship, i was given a place to feel safe and comfortable, away from my paranoia. It offered support, love and care. It offered a smile and place to belong to. I was heard. I mattered, how silly i may be, even to just ONE person. In its death, it gave me new life. it breathed in a fresh breeze of air, new perspectives, new modes of feeling and thinking, and even reacting, as i opened up more to myself. In its death, i begin to live in a new way. It is not really a rebirth, but rather, as one close friend called it, an evolution. I live day by day, still hoping to find answers to all my questions one day. Yet i also live day by day, moment by moment, finally learning to be alive, to be aware, to be mindful, and to be there with myself no matter whatever comes my way. It has helped me get out of that shell, of that world, of that illusion that i kept myself in. I evolved and continue to evolve into who i am feeling myself right now to be with. In our evolution, the past, present and future are linked as one. Inseparable. The past leads to the present, and the present leads to the future. Both looking back and looking forward, there is nothing we can do about them. Looking into the present, it is affected by the past so that we can do more for the future. It will never be easy. Although it is really not that hard, if we learn to just view it in all its simplicity - the way it is, the way it just is. Even the complications are simplicities - all bundled together, intertwined around each other.

This is our life. However we choose to live it, only we ourselves can do - how we see, how we feel, how we react, how we think, how we perceive, how we believe, how we let go, how we hold on, how we make contact, how we touch, how we reach out. Every little how, every little thing do, is part of that inner voice, that inner self. Our inner self wants to live, whether on this physical plane or in another dimension. We all yearn to live and be alive, living fully. We all yearn to be more - not just in material and tangible matters, but most importantly, to be more of Our Selves. More is not always more of and from others, but most of the time, it is more of and from Our Selves.

2009-03-08T04:00:00.002+08:00

Ever watched?
Observed?
As a smiled slowly curled on your face,
And your mind clears up, present to whatever there is that day.

Ever breathed?
Sighed?
Hoping that it would never end,
Or that it would never happen.

Ever hoped?
prayed?
That it would not hurt like hell,
Wondering when it will get well or if it must ever get well.

Have you ever closed your eyes?
Hoping not to wake up ever.
Were you ever afraid of falling asleep?
Fearful that this we cannot keep?

Have you ever just sat quietly?
Watching life go by?
Have you ever paused for a while?
Praying for our dear Inner Child.

Here we are,
stopping while wading on the Life Stream.
To go with the flow, or stand still.
To fall away fighting the current,
or to let the waves swallow us away.

2009-03-07T17:39:00.003+08:00

This comic strip was sent to me by Drew. :) Thanks, Drew. :) It sometimes reminds me of... Me, actually. :) hahahaha :))

2009-03-02T00:04:00.005+08:00

Drew, do you remember this picture? :) I don't know why it is in my Yahoo Briefcase account. :) I have no recollection and i don't even remember why i placed it there. :) heheh :) But it is definitely from our college days. :) Yahoo Briefcase announced that they will be removing the Briefcase service. I know that i didn't use it as much during college, except for "thesis" and a "projman" project. (oh, i guess for OJT as well) Anyway, i took some time to check what was in there before i completely resolve to forget about it and leave it forever. What i found in the "briefcase" were pictures from tagaytay, from a get-together with highschool batchmates, this very picture, and some other files that i think i uploaded from OJT work that i studied and made an "unsuccessful yet working" program for. :) I deleted all those stuff except for the pictures, which i am content to save in this very laptop.

and yes, i am posting that picture of you and Ad, taken at the lobby of our Planet Goks in DLSU, sometime during our college past. :)

2009-03-01T18:21:00.002+08:00

"As i watch you, i realize more and more how good you articulate yourself. You express yourself as how you feel. You can find the words that hit and fit perfectly what you want to say, what you really mean to say. It doesn't just reflect your intelligence, but it also reflects how much you are aware of Yourself.

It is a gift - this that you have shared to me.

You are a gift. And I will always remind you of that.

You are you. and no matter what they say, You are who I love. Yes, I look up to you, because you are true to yourself. Yes, the things that you are into may seem out of this world, but you are not afraid to go and take that journey that seems illogical and irrational for most. The experiences of a life lived as one wishes - it is filled with beauty, passion, a myriad of emotions, our humanity and our highest being, but most importantly, of Life. It is alive. It becomes alive. and it continues to lives on.

As you go on and shed the layers that seem to hide Our Light and the Light of the Universe, i am yet just at the beginning of my own internal journey. Yet I will learn, slowly, not to let the fear overwhelm me, and to learn to accept it with courage at every step forward. Your love and support, and even your distance from me, serve as guidance. A guide will not always lead the way, for one day, i shall be my own Guide, and learn to walk another road that I have so decided to take. And one day, as Guides of our own Life, we shall meet again, to learn from each other, to encourage and strengthen each other, and to relish as well as cherish each other's presence and company. We Are Together in Growth. Afar, but never apart.

Be Well. Safe Journeys."

2009-03-01T15:58:00.010+08:00

Wow, i have just downloaded and installed Safari 4, and boy, does it load pages fast. Really fast! :) Safari does as it advertised. :) Cool! :) Yes, at this very moment, i am using Safari to write this blog. It also loads pictures fast. Usually, it would take more than 10 seconds (okay, 5 seconds!) to display most pics in facebook using other browsers (and sometimes, the pictures just wouldn't load and hangs/freezes as is), but with Safari, it is almost instantaneous! :) I am pretty sure that there are still a lot more to improve on for Safari's Window browser design, but still, it is definitely one useful browser. :) yes, i am a loyal Apple product user and fan. :) I own an iPod, and yes, i have used Mac products. Yes, i dream of buying a Macbook and an iPhone for myself (*dream is the word, and i hope my dreams come true in reality. May the universe grant my dreams.*) :) Yes, i buy almost only Apple accessories for my Apple products, and i just love almost anything Apple/Mac - of course not to the point of insane obsessiveness, but rather, it is a brand that i trust. :) I do take into account when buying new gadgets if it will be compatible with Mac and/or Apple devices. :)

Now, Safari reigns supreme in the short list of web browsers that i enjoy to use, followed by Mozilla Firefox. Sadly, for me, Internet Explorer sucks (but i still need to use it at work - since the system works well with it). But if i get to choose, it's either Safari or firefox. :) Nothing more. This two will suffice. :)

C'mon. Try it! :) http://www.apple.com/safari

2009-02-27T22:31:00.002+08:00

"A part of me feels happy,
proud of myself even.
Yet a part also feels tired,
wanting to sleep more than one is required."

~o~o~o~o~

Writing will flow once i start to let go of my mind, to let go of the egoistic heart, and reach deeper into the soul. into something seemingly non-existent, definitely intangible, yet nothing but of true value and worth.

It has so much been a yearning to write. but my mind would always think of what others would think and i would write that out, instead of what i really want to express. When i start to write because it just flows from deep within me, that is what will be of importance, filled of my emotions and intentions, filled with my own. I have know such instances, as i have written like so before. Yet, i have to once again rediscover it. and if not, learn to strip away all the pretensions that are acting as my obstructions, and be able to just be. No tugging, no pressure. No fear, no rejection. Nothing good nor bad, but just AM. To touch the center, the core - My Center and My Core - My Being. Be free of the notion of time and space, and retain that of only Being, present in awareness, presence and awareness. Be.

I yearn to be. I long to be. For I to be...
Why do i run after thee?
When they say that you are already inside of me...
They ask me the same question,
and so do I.

2009-02-12T22:51:00.003+08:00

I smiled at the moon,
and winked at the sun.
Gazing at the vast expanse
Of time and space.

I wish i can speak
the language of the stars.
Bright up there in the night sky,
As i look up and feel their presence.

Is this how the Universe is like,
With neither End nor Beginning?
Calm and One.
No fear, but Be.

2009-01-27T23:46:00.000+08:00

"My heart weeps in silence... Longing and yearning still for what yet is to come... Let my heart's and soul's eyes open and offer thyselves to the present."

2009-01-27T17:34:00.004+08:00

A while ago, my conversation with my co-worker came upon the topic of ghosts or spirits. Ah, i remember. It started when we were discussing about a certain aunt who gave us packs of Thai 3-in-1 instant coffee that we really like drinking. This same aunt also gives us champaca flowers since one of the aunties that i work with really like it so much. Anyway, my co-worker asked this aunt if she can ask for like a root or something so that she can grow her own at home. I guess the aunt will be giving her one, as she has cautioned her to grow this plant on a pot instead of letting it grow into a big tree. The reason: If this type of plant grows into a big tree, spirits start to house or live in that tree. (We actually have such a tree at home. It has grown so big that the roots have already broken out of the stone enclosing that it was placed inside of in the garden in front of the actual house structure.)

Talking about ghosts and spirits, it led to the telling of ghost stories. Of course, i told of ghost stories i have heard, as well as those told my friends and family. And they shared theirs as well: a ghost opening the shower in the toilet in their old house to quiet down a set of carpenters and painters that smoked and sang - these group never came back to the construction site ever again, a friend who stayed late at work and found oneself beside a headless body(this bit scared me enough, especially when a picture of it in my imagination showed itself so clearly. i shuddered in a weird way and it made them laugh.), a picture they have taken at their old home wherein they saw just a head in their picture (of which my co-worker quickly tore into pieces as soon as she saw that face), of a room in their old house that was always cold.

So many stories, so many experiences. For me, i am just glad that i don't see them, even if i feel them around. it's better than being scared to the bones and ending up stunned and motionless. you know what i mean. even if i want to learn and understand our universe more and in a deeper and more meaningful manner, there are just some things that i guess i just have to let be. the curiosity about life and the vast universe (wondering if there are ever answers to these uncountable and numerous questions) will remain, and so will the passion, interest and unquenched desire in living my (and our) life to the fullest.

2008-12-25T00:59:00.003+08:00

The past week, has been something so opposite.... Last week, i can definitely that i was really happy; even when i was feeling down, i found it easy to just smile and joke around. of course, it changed. i found myself sad and looking for some solace. and at some point, the week started to change into something so dark.... Part of it has to do with me. i just can't take that negative picture off my mind, of what happened. It was a fight, and i am still yet reminded so much of it whenever i wake up in the morning, when i pass that very street, when i am reminded of that day.... I set up a shield - i chose to. and i chose to stay quiet and cold. i am very much protective, as well as adamant to have my want allowed when i really find it truly silly to think of it as unsafe in any form.

i am also saddened as to the sudden quietness of a beloved friend, moving away - distant as i feel it. i have informed her that i wouldn't disturb her for the next few days after sending her a message (which she didn't reply to, like all others. she does that at times.). i am getting unnerved of it again, but i told myself that i'll keep my word. i also reminded myself that i wouldn't let myself down anymore, even in this - even if i really value and care for her a lot. it is her decision, though my mind is whirring by and releasing all these sorts of ideas and thinking that i'll be left alone again, now by her, that it has finally taken a toll on her. it has been always like this, her moving away. this is a tell-tale sign of a circular repetition/pattern. of course,i hope that as before it is her usual moving away. i don't want to overact and overreact too much with regard to it, especially since i am aware of how i am feeling right now, and how i am apt to act in situations like this. i usually send in a lot of emails, text messages, calls and IMs. but i have been doing myself to limit those and to stop those for the meantime. if i don't, i am very much prone to do something else that i am pretty sure to regret in the near future. this used to happen before - my fear pushing to great lengths to try to salvage and save the relationship, doing all i can and trying to fix all that i can to make it all perfect again (to keep on fixing what i think are imperfections), only to end up making things much worse than before, resulting to a relationship that was so abruptly and suddenly stopped (when all it needed was time and space to neutralize the situation for a while, and for me to find my balance as well, actually). i'll be fine and get on without her, but i would like to still love to have her around whenever possible.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. i have been aware and mindful so far, and haven't reacted so much than i used to. I have learnt, and am still learning. There is fear, but there is nothing to be afraid of so much anymore. There is sadness, there is wanting. Yet there is all happiness, joy, respect, and love. And yes, experiences. It reminds me now to just live my life moment by moment, and not let the sadness cast a shadow on my perception and mind's eye - not to make me see all dark and not enjoy the moment, squandering away precious living moments worrying, remaining angry and too attached over something one can't even control. i don't want to be wrapped up once again inside my cloud of gloom. It is so different now once you have started seeing things differently. Of course, it won't stop you from falling back to old ways, yet it won't also stop you from going towards new frontiers in all else, especially your own growth.

Anyway, i'll stop talking about this for now. and i better get some sleep once again. been spending too much time and energy getting caught up again with this feeling as it is coming up again.

2008-12-22T16:41:00.002+08:00

"we are the children of the human race, born to bear the sacrifices, its problems, its stupidity, its ignorance, its mistakes and its anger and hatred from eons and eons ago. yet with it, let us hope that we continue to have the warmth of love and the fire of hope burn deep in our hearts and souls, and may we continue to live on our lives blazing with the simple glory of just being alive, and let not all the troubles snuff out what is remaining of our humanity."

2008-12-22T13:21:00.000+08:00

My heart bleeds out...
Yearning for life to be lived.

My soul reaches out to the sky,
still hoping for the chance to finally fly.

A Letter to My Parents

2008-12-22T12:15:00.002+08:00

Actually, this wouldn't really count as one because i'll never ever show this to them. But this is what i would say or probably would like to think to say. There are just so many things that divide us as persons, but even if the hope is so far away, i still hope that one day, we would be able to reconcile and accept these differences.

After our fight yesterday, i have always wondered why i am still here. I question myself what i am to do here. i long to be independent, to be able to fend for my own one day. But it seems that every attempt to do so is cut short by the bud. Good thing the root in me stays alive, hoping, wishing, and praying that one day i will be able to live my life, with or without your approval. Of course, i prefer that it be with your blessings, at least, even if you don't approve of it.

You have raised me well. I believe that. You know why? Even when i was far away in china, before i do anything, i can reply all the lessons that you tried to impart to me. that very much shows that i do listen to what you say, and they do stick with me wherever i go, even if i dislike it so. More or less, i have not put you into any real grave trouble that you should really worry of me falling deep into problems that are hard to get out of. I have to admit that as a person, i am afraid of risks, though at times that wouldn't stop me at all. but rest assured, i do think before i leap. and if i do decide to jump and take that step forward, i have chosen out of my own free will. It may seem to you that people may influence my decisions. It may, but in the end, i have to make that very decision all by myself. There is nobody else that i can blame for that. Whatever changes i went through, i wanted to change. Whatever i am willing to learn more about, i chose to do so. I want to explore more of the world, more than the protective world that you have both tried to keep me inside of. I believe that there is still something out there, much bigger than our own world, much bigger than myself, much bigger than the universe, broader, wider and more infinite than that of what we can imagine.

you dislike in me so much the idealism that i try to go after, the lack of practicality that i exude. as you said, it has been there since i was young. i believe that in a very big aspect, i don't think the same way you both do, and i may never will. Yet don't think that i don't care for both of you at all. I have always been different, and i have always been trying to fight that. I have been trying to fit in in your image of a good daughter, just like all other. But a part of me just wants and yearns to be free. I always wondered if there is something really wrong with me, deadly wrong that i have to cause you both all these trouble of trying to raise of daughter who would just like to learn to be able to live life on her own. i have always showed that "western" side that you don't really detest but don't really like as well. i don't think that being more of a westerner or being more of an asian is the case. It is who and how we decide to live our life.

We all have preconceived ideas of how we want to live our lives, how we want our children and the people we love to live their lives - simple, stable and safe so that we can stay longer together in this finite world of ours. You want me to have a stable future, free of financial worries. I respect that, though i may not show it at all. I would like to explore the world more, to live what it can offer. I want to travel and write. I want to take pictures. I want to help people. I want to learn to take care of myself. I want to learn more of the world, the other people that we are sharing this world with. Possibly, i want more of this life than i think i want - to live it more. It is partly discontent, because i really want to discover more of our own world, more of what is out there and more of what there is within myself as a person and as a being.

you also said that it was hard for people to get along with me. it may be so, that is why i am very choosy of the people that i let into in my life. i don't think it is that hard to get along with me, or else, i wouldn't be getting along with people from work or even the people that we meet along the way, like saleslady, drivers, guards and such. a co-worker even wrote in her christmas note that she thanks me for being approachable; i know that at times i can be detached from other people at work. I look up to other people. Yes, i know that and am very much aware of that. And i have been questioning myself and my existence as well - if i am living my life, making my own decisions, or am i just following another person's example? after such mistrust on myself, i became paranoid, but i learned that all my life, i have been who i am. I just attract the same people that i am like or similar to, or people that i hope to become more of - strong and able to stand on their own, yet still truly good and loving inside despite our different view of the world, despite being seen different by the world, despite our naughty, playful and adventurous take on the world and on life. i am already this way before i even met them. it's just that when i was younger, i had much more fear of the world and had decided to cast them aside, keeping them inside the cabinets of my soul, only to be rediscovered once again at this point in my life. at some point, i still do fear, mainly because of how you both think and see me as, and wouldn't allow me to be: me. Yet after looking into myself, i know that i am who i am, not who i follow to be, but rather, who i chose to be. I changed because i wanted to, please remember that. An influence will remain an influence unless we accept it to be part of our own - that is where we are responsible for ourselves, and not for others. We are responsible for our growth.

My life has been trying to prove to myself that i can do it and live my life. It is defeating to try to prove myself to both of you, which i have been trying all these years, even when you say that i don't need to prove anything to you. but the mere fact that i have to live to how you both see it fit is the same thing as having and needing to prove and show to you that i can live it the way you both want me to live my life. if i live my life the way you want it, according to all your values and preconceptions of ideas and life, you wouldn't have a problem at all. I appreciate how you want a simple and content life. I also want that as well, but i want to do so knowing that i will do my best to live each moment of my life fully, to have explored and tried those that interest me and grow through these life experiences. I don't want to just always be following what other people want, hope, manipulate or order me to do. And i don't want to be just saying and thinking this out, just as i am writing this letter now - I want to finally be able to live it out and not fight myself any longer.

LIVE.

Can Blood Type Determine Your Personality?

2008-12-19T18:42:00.001+08:00

I have a rare blood type—AB+, which only 4 percent of the U.S. has—and secretly, I always thought it made me kind of special, even...

View >>

2008-11-28T01:24:00.000+08:00

Our bodies are now seen as objects.
Viewed and scrutinized.
Used and Abused.
Glorified.
Mechanized.

It is the same with the physical world.
Trying to control our happiness,
By Controlling Our Lives.
To make the world ours.
To make the illusion and lies come alive,
in this "world" of ours.

Yet however much we try,
grasping and running towards it.
It just eludes us.
Thinking that we have found
the fountain of life,
we are yet again flounding on the side of life.
lost as ever, as mysteries old and new come abound.

Dying, decomposing, rotting....
disappearing....
Once all is lost,
we fall.
Will we continue fumble frantically?
Or shall we learn to fall,
and let all things break away and go?

2008-11-18T11:51:00.000+08:00

a friend sent me this link. :) i find it a wonderful source and reason for a smile. :)

2008-11-17T00:44:00.001+08:00

this is one of those nights that i find it real hard to fall asleep. i can be on the bed for almost an hour or two, and i am still wide awake. i am tired, mind you, but my mind seem to be still buzzing with activity, even with my eyes closed shut. makes you itch to want to just fall asleep already. but sadly, that itch can't be scratch, whatever else i do.

i wanted to sleep early, so after watching Nanny Diaries, i turned off the tv. not just use the remote to turn it off, but actually standing up and turning off the switch at the extension cord.

anyway, i also left the download of xxxHolic to itself - meaning i left the laptop on. sure, it's not the first time i did this. i was already ready to sleep. (see, am yawning now, but i don't know if i'll be sleepy again by the time i get to the bed.) i was then watching my hands, as i placed the pillow. i guess you could say that i was asking or thinking about stuff in my life - hoping the complexity (or rather the simplicity and uncertainty that it offers but we can't seem to accept) will tire me down to just end up dozing off. i was also imagining about holding the hand of the person i love as i gently fall asleep. of course, it didn't help as well. and do you know that i actually wondered what it would be like if i had won the miami ink contest thing - i would definitely have wanted a tattoo at my back (back then, angel wings were my dream tattoo. now, i don't mind having the Flower of Life in ink - to remind me of the universe i am in). but then, i am afraid that since having keloids on cuts and wounds is a hereditary trait in our family, i wonder if the tattoo will be feasible at all.

see? all those thoughts, and still, it seems like my mind is all stimulated, all revved up and have so much to go. i would love to do some work instead, but then, i am pretty sure i can stay way into the week hours of the morning. this means that if i don't sleep, i'll be dozing off anytime at work or worse - i definitely will end up not waking up to the alarm - hence i'll be uber late for work. i'm already not that happy with my performance at work lately since i am falling behind. a week's worth of work has been piling up on me and i can't keep on apologizing and not being able to release the receipts for the donations just because i can't finish it on time due to my one-week absence. but the thing is, once i am home, i just want to rest. i don't want to bring work with me at home. if i do bring it, i end up not doing it at all. sigh. it's self-defeating, in some way. but i know i have to push myself to do so this week, or else, i'll be in deeper "shit" this coming week, and the succeeding weeks. it does affect me, from time to time. i can push this aside for another day, but doing so means more work piling up. and i admit that i can't handle it being this way any longer. so i need to force myself to do more tomorrow and for this coming week. hopefully, i'll be back on track after this week.

i do wish the download will be done by tomorrow.

anyway, i will try going back to bed again, to see if i can fall asleep this time. i would love to wake somebody up, but i know that i wouldn't want to disturb somebody who is either asleep, busy or just plain don't want to mind me because they have their own "world" to mind.

xxxHolic

2008-11-15T16:20:00.000+08:00

I've been following the anime series "xxxHolic" on Animax since it started airing. the topics are pretty much on the supernatural side, but then at the same time, i am pretty sure you can follow some truths in life and of the spiritual world that it shares through the story. although most of the time, you'll feel like saying, "huh?", it is still very fun to watch. I have to admit though that at times i feel spooked out when watching certain episodes. but all in all, when it comes to the storyline/episodes and the content of the series, i believe i like it all. Especially since it tickles my interest in the supernatural, paranormal and the spiritual. deep in my heart, i believe that there is more to the world than the physical aspect that we see. :)

Wordpress' Smiley

2008-11-12T22:16:00.000+08:00

I was reading through a blog that i constantly follow and check updates of. I wanted to make a comment, but one must log in to leave a comment. as i was about to leave and go back to the main page, i noticed the smiley face, way at the bottom. :) hehe :) i just want to share it with you guys. :) i hope the image is big enough for you to see. :)

2008-11-08T21:15:00.000+08:00

we are voices trying to be heard.
yet remains unseen.
we come and go unannounced.
our hearts reaching out.
yet life moves on,
slowly and surely.
quickly and erratically.
what's left are moments of memories.
or at times, none at all.
from nothing once we came,
to nothing we go back to.
yet again forming and dying.
hello and goodbye.
who am i?

Algae for energy?

2008-09-30T19:58:00.001+08:00

http://green.sympatico.msn.ca/canadianpressarticle.aspx?cp-documentid=651064#toolbar

2008-09-28T01:23:00.001+08:00

i am in a "movie" download frenzy. ever since i got my iPod classic, it's all about movies - downloading and converting them to mp4 (gotta thank Drew for his help for the right converter).

yes, am sleepy now. and my mind is still whirring on, and on.... even in the dream world. :) because i still get these dreams - so varied, so weird, so out of the ordinary yet somewhat ordinary. well, sometimes they seem coherent and easy to understand. and the next time,i don't even know what they mean at all. i just dream them through. yes... and am also very full right now, from eating a midnight snack of fish fillet burger, large fries and large coke.

looking
proving
nothing
googling
and still.. downloading

bachingling!

From heart-2-heart-online.com

2008-08-06T21:36:00.002+08:00

**People obtain pure joy not because they do great things, but, because they do small ones with great love

** I have learned to understand that even unanswered prayers are a gift because they come from the hands of one who loves me enough to know which to bestow and which to withhold.

**be thankful for what you have, and, you’ll end up having more… oprah winfrey

**the deepest level of worship is praising god in spite of pain, thanking god during trials, trusting him when tempted, and, loving him when he seems distant.

We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.
-William Gladstone

Visit heart-2-heart-online
Quinto playing violin... somewhere around July 11, 2008.... look for it. i want to learn....

2008-08-05T23:45:00.002+08:00

My thoughts, right at this very moment, is like a cooked pancake the i keep on flipping over and over again on the hot cooking pan, checking if it is perfect, or if there are mistakes or imperfections that i can still fix or correct. That is how i seem to go about what happened yesterday afternoon somewhere in my semi-conscious-unconscious mind. Back and forth. Both sides and in between and in the middle. And we know that life doesn't work that way as well. Nothing i can do about it anymore.

I wonder if i am really thinking of what happened yesterday or if i am really thinking of pancakes.

Anyway, :) It's time to stop so that i can eat and enjoy the pancake, to live and enjoy my life, perfect or imperfect it may be. :)

2008-08-03T22:46:00.000+08:00

It's been raining the whole day... Not that i find it saddening... But still...

The past two days have been completely different.

I know my Friday morning didn't start out right, because of a sudden strike of the diarrhoea 3am in the morning. Well, imagine that. I barely got some sleep then i would need to look for the bathroom again. I dare not wake anybody up just to ask for medicine, so i waited until morning. I called in sick that day. Finding meds, i took some and went to sleep. It was such peaceful and quiet sleep that i wouldn't have had lunch if my dad had not woken me up, poking me at the shoulders. i ate regular lunch, but of course, my tummy started feeling weird again. So i took another capsule of medicine, just to make sure. I was well enough to take a bath and informed my sister that i will still be meeting with them and with my college thesismate that night. Out of the blue, i just decided and asked my cousin if i can visit her and my newborn nephew. Getting the go signal, i went ahead.

On the way, i picked up a cake, and even ordered myself a smoothie. It took a while to prepare the smoothie, so i was running a little late. I dropped by the office to give the keys to the server room, as it was needed by a co-worker. After that, i went the other direction to go to my cousin's house. It was then, while i was driving, that i realized how i liked it this way - driving in the late afternoon, just doing what i want, me holding my own time. I never fancied myself as a businesswoman, but i wouldn't mind having one if i can continue doing so. Question is, what business? and i know that i would really want it to be something beneficial to the environment, to the world, not just to me. But hey, i told myself that even if i think so hard right now for it, i wouldn't get the idea now. In time, it may come to me. Better live my life now and just keep my eyes open for opportunities, especially THAT opportunity. i also thought of Janelle, and if she would even consider being a business partner if it ever come to that point, with the business plan and all. Again, in time, let us see.

I just drove while sucking on the straw for more and more of the smoothie, relaxed and laid as i was that time. Entering their subdivision, it started to rain again and poured stronger and stronger as i arrived by their house gate. I was greeted by her mother-in-law and i was told to just continue on up to see my cousin. Right there, on her bed, was my cousin and her newborn son, Rupert. Rupert is definitely cuter in person. I never got the chance to see him in the nursery since the viewing times are my worktime. I saw pictures, but seeing him to face to face is much worth it. and yeah, his face seems to change, in some way. i asked my cousin who has visited her so far, aside from her immediate family. She said that there were just me, from her father side, and Janelle, from her mother side. That thought made me smile - at least we three keep together, stay together and are there for each other.

We talked for a while. and i didn't notice that it was already 7pm. i arrived at her place by 5pm. While Rupert slept, we talked. While Rupert was breastfed, we continued to talk. It was nice seeing her again. I last saw her when i visited her at the hospital two days after the birth. By that time, it was still raining hard. I would have loved to stay, but i know that i have to rush on towards Makati to meet my sister, brother-in-law and my college thesismate, Eric. For this day, i just took everything as they came. In the morning, instead of pushing myself to get well so that i can join them in the meeting that evening, i actually told myself to just rest and just see how i am feeling when i wake up well-rested. usually, i would think and think and just end up feeling bad, but that day, i just let go and let everything take care of itself that day. It felt good, if not great, though i think it felt great because of this liberating feeling. Anyway, i felt comfortable taking my leave. It was such peace. Saying my goodbye to both cousin and nephew, I left for Makati.

I arrived 30mins afterwards, found a parking and met with them for the meeting. I was actually able to follow the conversation, the flow of the meeting. Heck, i even enjoyed my dinner of Thai Crunchy Salad. I was just cool and relaxed about everything. i am usually a nervous wreck, always thinking of all contingency plans, all possible scenarios and outcomes. But that night, i was just me, enjoying my time. Even when i felt "attacked", i stayed calm. It is indeed a great experience to just be, and be good to myself in the process.

Eric rode with me, and i drove him home. This trip back home has definitely been an enjoyable one. We talked about our lives now, when we last saw each other, and how things have been like the past few years. We also talked about destiny, on how things are meant to be, like me and him being thesismates, on our lives and what we went through the past two years with the the people we met and the experiences we went through, and on us meeting each other again that night. He is undergoing changes the past year, especially when it comes to his spiritual life, and so am i with mine. His thoughts, questions and wonderings, as well as his experiences, in some way affirmed my won thoughts, questions, wonderings and experiences. It is also vice versa, the same with him. Our conversation benefited both of us, opening our eyes, hearts, and mind. We talked and talked, and it seemed to light up something in both of us. We already got to their house gate around 1030pm but we continued on talking and conversing in the car up until 11pm. Yes, we will be meeting again next saturday with my sister to talk about the system or program to be designed and made. After saying our goodbyes, i went on and drove for home. I actually find it nice to hear him say, "Grace! It's nice to hear your voice. I haven't heard your voice in a while. I miss your voice." ... or something like that. I can't remember the exact words, but he said something similar to that that night when he called me to discuss when we should be meeting with my sister. We actually talked through dinner, talked for an hour. All through these years, our "brainwaves" still jive, having a similar line of thought. We actually find few people that we can talk to about life, more about things in life, and things way past life - past, present, NOW, future. He is one of the few that i can easily talk to, talk with that deeply, aside from Janelle, and a selected few others at certain and differing depths of conversation.

The next day (Saturday, Aug. 2) though was, you can say, different or the opposite. I was late for work, as usual. and I also left early. But i was tense and easily irritated. You could say that i drove a little "madder" that day. I was easily "affected" by my moods, too sensitive to what my mom, my sister said. Too "mataray" with my dad and my brother. i just wanted to keep to myself, to close myself for a while to those that i felt a little threatened with or felt like being a threat to. i would move away by staying behind or walking fast ahead. It was still the same way the next day, sunday, but it was a milder form. My mind was a little peaceful today. and... you think that it is mind-boggling how we people hurt one another, and mind boggling, in the better sense of the word, on how we help one another. anyway, i spent the day online, watching tv, taking a bath, watching more tv, and then finally spending this time typing down this blog after watching a gruesome film at Star Movies about this RAGE virus spreading through Britain, and in the end throughout the world. Quite disturbing.... and probably why i chose to blog away.

Anyway, this is the time that i should actually be already asleep. Haha :)

Adieu!

... and..... i really want to learn Japanese and to learn to play the violin! :) and then learn other languages. :) Haha :)

Ok, that's it for tonight.

2008-07-11T00:27:00.000+08:00

We see each other everyday.
Walk past each other along the way.
Yet one thing is for certain:
you have chosen your path,
you have made your decision.
And i will continue to live my way.

With our past, and now our present,
i still wish you the best.
We have each chosen and walked toward our own future,
and i know you're still somewhat the same.
But i don't know you anymore.

and i run everything through my mind again,
how you now move away when we walk near each other.
you make it seem like i am a weird stranger in your life,
and i just walk straight ahead,
learning to be a stranger to you once again,
and to continue moving forward and living each moment,
coming/flowing in through each and every day.

2008-06-29T23:15:00.001+08:00

Observing my heart and mind, i believe that i wanted to believe that everything can be perfect, just as i wanted it. At times, it does. But when the end is so near, i hold on to it so tightly. even when the moment has passed, i hold to it so crazily, hoping to re-create it over and over again, asking for it all over, hoping that it can be brought into reality again. Sadly, the grasping just gets stronger, and the rejection and defection felt when things don't go also seems to bring me to feel lower and down.

I know that things and moments are fleeting, especially those happy moments that become happy memories. i told a good friend of mine that i try to make the most of the good time i have with the people that hold special places in my heart and soul but making as much good memories with them as more as i can. thing is, the more i do so, the more possessive and obsessive i get, the more the relationship gets suck dry. and the more this happens, the more they move away. Just like how i like to immerse myself in music, at times, this is, i realize, what they feel as suffocation from me, from being with me. they get suffocated with my love. so you see, instead of taking care of the relationship, i end up wanting the happiness that i want to share with that special person all for myself. this so-called love has turned or mutated into something possessive and obsessive, which also brought jealousy, depression and most especially, fear, with it. i just want more, i don't want the happiness to end. i just want to be with them, hoping that it will always be this good forever. i don't want to let go.

most of them move away, so far away. even if they are near, they are already emotionally far away. one has remained, but has also retained this certain amount of distance. i can still reach out when the need does come, and i believe that she will send love on the way, all the way. we have been open about this cycle of mine - a habitual pattern that i continue to fall and play the part of all throughout my life. you could say that it weren't for her, i would still be unaware of it. i knew about it from way before, but i left myself and kept myself blind about it. we would still each other once in a while, but of course, she would still keep her distance. but when i am with her, and when she hugs me, i can feel her telling me and reassuring me, "everything will be okay. you will be okay. everything will be all right. you will be all right." even without saying, i can feel all that from her. she is a well-spring of love. it warms me - heart and soul. her love, her presence and her person - who she is, who she has been, and who she may and will be - makes me feel how wonderful i am as i am. i can be who i am, i can speak my mind, i can be silly, and i don't mind what others think of it at all when i am with her. we can just talk all day, about anything, yet it will still be a great conversation. we can just stay together, hug each other, and i can feel the love that she has in her heart, bursting out and reaching out to shine and warm the hearts of the people around her. she constantly reminds me of the beauty in me, the goodness and love in me. "you are not the distorted image that you see." it is still hard to learn it and practice it day by day, but i believe that it did bring some changes in heart. recent events have just showed that, upon the loss of another friend who has emotionally moved away. i could have felt dejected and alone. i did. but to the extent that i can still function and at some points, i felt "free", in the sense of the word. of course, i admit that i am afraid to see that person for fear that i might feel so down or for fear that i don't know how to react to what i may end up feeling. but it is better compared to me being so glum and unable to move at all. i can actually take the time to smile and be happy with my "life" despite feeling the sadness inside as well. this may seem so common day experience, but for me, it is a breakthrough or a milestone. an improvement or a change of heart? or a change in attitude or perception? well, i'm pretty sure that i may end up in the same rut again soon.

actually, writing, or blogging, again is part of this thing i am going through. i have stopped writing for a while, if you have observed, except for the few entries here and there. i use to express myself through writing, but i stopped writing because i thought of what others would think about it (me going over this stuff again and again and again). i felt that can't be myself, that i can't be who i am; i felt that i needed to be perfect or "cool" so that everybody will like me. i thought that being myself is not good enough. i suppressed me, and you can say that i almost lost myself, myself holding on by a thin thread in my heart. my so-called paranoid phase also involved me questioning myself if i am really who i knew myself to be, if i really liked and loved the things that i love or is it because i am trying to emulate somebody. "Am i still me? Or am i just a copycat?" each time i would be afraid that i might just be a copycat, and i find so many reasons to rationalize and prove that i am not. i keep on trying to prove myself. but the truth is, even if at times i still can't believe it, i am who i am, and we are similar in so many ways and yet so different in a lot of other stuff too. i need not prove myself, running to keep up with it, because i am me and i don't need to prove that to others. i did and still do doubt myself. so you can't blame me for losing myself. actually, it should be "i should actually blame myself for losing myself." the only way for me to "fix" ( i feel the need to always fix something - another way to prove something?) myself is to make peace with myself. as always, easier said than done since i have been in this self-defeating pattern for so long. but i guess for me to be writing about this again, there is still some hope for me, myself, and i have found this hope. i kinda stopped expressing myself, feeling, "what's the use?" at the same time, you can say that i didn't want to write as well because i was afraid of the grain of truth that would come out in my writing, the grain of truth that i try to hide and push away from my writing, hoping that it wouldn't come out and "hurt" me head on and face on. as i mentioned, i know about it, but i just want to continue to be blinded, not knowing about it, not dealing with it so that i could continue feeling helpless and so that the person that i want with me would take pity of me and be there for me. at first it would work, but in the end, the reality is that it wouldn't last forever. you can say that i don't want to get over it, so that i can be taken cared of always. i can be whole in myself, but i choose to be broken instead. yet being broken has a price as well, because when i am really broken, when my heart is aching and dark, i push people away, whether or not i grasp for their attention or not. i just want that one person with me, and if i don't get it, i just lock myself up within me. yes, your description was right - an emotional vampire. i admit it, but at the same time, a part of me wants to deny it. i know i can't be well and happy always, but a part of me believes that i can still feel the good when i am broken as well. but most of the time, i see the darkness before me. when it is obvious, i look the other way; when i am looking for it, it seems to be lost and hidden away behind veils that i chose to obscure them with.

i am battling with myself, still battling with myself. even with the thoughts that i want to type down right at this very instant, i am battling with what should come out, battling and "searching" for what is missing, uneasy because it feels like i have not done or said enough, feeling that it is not yet perfect, that i have not said all, thinking that i may be not true or real - a fake - that i may be a sham or a trying hard to be. i go on and on with the thoughts, over and over. it's hard to break away from them because they come and go, and i go after them. and boy, it is definitely a wild goose chase, a "wild horse" stringing and pulling me along for a bumpy and painful ride to i don't know where. i do get quiet moments as well, and am thankful for that. but at times, when i feel "inadequate" and feel these thoughts coming along, i can't help holding on to the "wild horse". i am used to it dragging me along crazy, even if it does make me feel crazy and out of my mind. i am used to it, because at times if i don't feel so or if i feel so but don't follow it, i become so uneasy because i am not used to it being gone. right now, am feeling it, and i am fighting it in a some way as well.

let it go, Grace. Observe, be aware. but just let it be. You can choose not to get dragged by it. You have a choice. Follow what is in your heart. Follow your instincts. You will be alright. everything will be okay.

Ain't Pocoyo cute? :)

2008-06-27T21:10:00.001+08:00

2008-06-25T21:27:00.000+08:00

"I'm sorry" is all that i can say.
There's nothing else that i can offer.
I know that there's nothing else that i can say.
There's nothing more that i can do.
Because this is how you decided it to be between me and you.

---

I may be fragile.
I know I'll break.
I did break, many times.
But so far,
I always took the time
to slowly pick the pieces
of my life.
I break, but i piece myself together.
I may not piece it back together the same.
But i do my best to bring my broken self together,
despite a crack here and there.
despite the little missing pieces never to be found again.
I stand here again before you.
Broken, but still doing my best to be standing.

2008-06-25T18:37:00.000+08:00

"The people I love the most, are the people that I am most scared of... Because they are the ones that can inflict the most hurt, when it does happen."

2008-06-25T17:20:00.000+08:00

Beating hurt (heart)
Captive Soul
Looking out
To be a whole.

Blind to what may,
Doubting what is,
Hoping for what was,
Everyday.

Silliness.
Craziness.
Loneliness.
Death.

Dead mind.
Death heart.
Soul lost.
Path unknown.

2008-06-19T22:29:00.001+08:00

With my 160gb iPod Classic, it seems like i can put in more and more tracks and it wouldn't be filled up. And so, i came upon tons of CDs that i have bought almost 10 years back. Back then, i liked it somewhat, but now, i seem to have a more down-to-earth and "soulful" appreciation for them. It's like coming back to get to know what was and what still is.

One of those CDs that i chanced upon hearing again is that of Vienna Teng's, the album being called "Warm Strangers". Strange enough, i like it much more than i did back then. Probably i've grown to understand more. Perhaps it just happens that it touches my heart and soul. At some point, i haven't changed that much, but that doesn't mean that i didn't change a bit. i believe i did, in some ways, little or big, seen or unseen.

i was thinking, "i bought this, like, 5 years ago. i wonder if she is still alive, or if her music still sells." she has her own site. And I am very much glad to read about her life. She also took up computer science before she pursued this career in music. well, you could read more at http://viennateng.com Well, anyway, it kinda sparked("ignited") the life back into my writing, or what i think is writing. i used to write poems, and essays as well. it's more of like whatever comes into mind. but yes, poems do count to be the ones that are easier for me to write, easier to express, and it seems easier to help me keep a sense of anonymity to what i am hinting at, and it need not require me to express much and allows an air of mystery. well, it took time for her. and it takes time for everybody, each artist. it also is the same with life, and in how we are living it. Everything takes time - a lesson that i still have to continue to have patience in learning. In time. :) haha :)

shucks! it's already 10:41pm, though i am not quite sleepy yet. always been like this, though i end up waking up a little later than i should in the mornings. anyway, on with more cd-ripping activities for my "beloved" iPod. :) Music is very much a part of my life, just like how writing is, in its subtle ways, still very much connected to my mind, heart, soul, core.

2008-06-17T21:45:00.000+08:00

As of the moment, i feel like exploding. i already express myself a lot, but it seems like it is not enough. i try to prove myself capable of a lot of things, but it seems self-defeating most of the time because i always feel bad and guilty of all the things that i have done. i am tired, yet i can't truly stop. i try to let go everyday, but of course, i fall short each day. but thankfully, at times, i can see that even if i do, i am learning to stand back up again and be a little firmer with myself each day. well, most days, that is.

let us count this one as reaching out to expressing myself again. i actually had the urge to "draw" or just doodle, wondering ("wondering" being the word) if i'll be able to express myself that way. which is not usually the case because i usually end up doodling nonsense. :) haha :) even i don't know i was doodling. haha :) i usually have the urge to blog again, or write poems, but i usually cast it aside because i usually have these thoughts while driving or when i am about to sleep. and yes, at the lazy enough to just let it be and just sleep through it.

anyway, this is all for today.

Learning to Wait, My Crimson Friend

2008-05-01T19:16:00.000+08:00

We may not speak to each other
Not directly.
It hurts my heart so,
but i can only learn to wait.

Yet with this so-called pain,
passing by moment by moment,
i can't help but notice
your beauty and strength
more and more each day.

i am so privileged
to have been surrounded,
and in some ways still surrounded,
by your presence and companionship,
by your love and compassion,
by your friendship and understanding,
by your trust and strength,
by your selfless dedication,
even by your weaknesses and sadness,
by your anger and indifference,
by your tears and your pain.

Davao Trip - March 19 to 22, 2008

2008-03-24T21:44:00.002+08:00

Hi there, Drew! :)

As requested, some pictures from the trip. :)

2008-03-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

Breathing deeply....

Sighing...

Yes... (it wouldn't matter if i added more and more ellipsis. they will still be dots.)

sort of angry at myself. sort of telling myself that i shouldn't mind anymore. also at the same time, wondering, "am i that bad? am i that easy to brush off/aside? don't i matter to you anymore? won't you even push me away? why keep all the distance? why don't you just say it? that you're suffocated..." that is how it has always been. it also starts me to feel of wanting to go crazy, just as i would back then and diving myself into my abyss of depression, wallowing and self-pity. i can't say that i know better, but right now, a part of me tells me to just let it be, feel it, and don't do anything rash just because you want answers. You know you want answers, but at the same time you know that at some major points it will definite hurt.

i decided to just write it all out. how i usually dealt with it before. though at the same time, i am glad that i am not running all about it, not being dragged around by emotions that much anymore. i do have to agree that at times it does, but at least, not as much. i can still hear and see my thoughts about myself... i would still want to go after her and make it all well again. but i know that it takes time, and i am too impatient to wait. Yes, patience is a virtue... a saying that seems to hit the right spot every single time.

i want your approval all the time, just as you did back then. and boy, did we have fun! and yes, i know, there are bad parts as well, but we got through it together. Yeah, i admit that a part of me wishes that it be always be good times with us. and i am always impatient because i want to have and spend that good time with you again. but of course, i have to get your permission first. you do have to want to be with me, or else i wouldn't be welcome into your presence, into your space. when did i start thinking this way? yes, it shows that i love you more than myself. and at times, i give myself the space - my space. yes, you've been telling me that, reminding me of that, over and over again - and lately, you do so with your silence. you've been so silent. so so so silent.....

yes, i am getting through, getting by. but i can't deny that there are still times, a lot of times, that i wish you are by my side, that we are together, through the good and bad. I can't take your silence... makes me question myself... but this could be one of the bads.... so i must live through it, and when i make it out, i do hope you're still there, wherever, whenever and however that may be. You're living your life th3 way you decide/choose to, and i admire you so much for that. i know that you know that i do. when will i start deciding on my own? at some point, i think i did in some ways. i just have to be constant or consistent. why am i thinking so much about it?!?!

"BE."

2008-03-12T01:52:00.000+08:00

I seem to be in the process of falling apart and going out of control. Obviously, i should be sleeping by now so that i wouldn't have a hard time waking up every morning. But as of this very moment, i am still downloading mp3s. Which also leads me to work starting to pile up or seems to be piling up. I used to not have to take work home, but now, i find it imperative to do so or to at least do some of them at home, lest i want the output to come a little much longer after the expected 3 days or one week that it used to take me to finish a certain batch of work.

Aside from that, i am angry and afraid. I am sad. I am also neutral. I can be happy. I am needy in one moment and confident the next. So crazy.

I've been having those thoughts again. Yes, about death. But i just shook my head a while ago, hoping that that simple gesture would help shake that very thought away. I am very much aware of that thought's existence in my mind as it flitted by, but i just don't want to dwell on it too much. Over two people? Over circumstances i can't control? over what and who i can't control? if i do so, just goes to show i can't even control myself.

and here i am, staring at the computer screen. looking at numbers - bits downloaded, percentage left, time remaining... just like my life, i watch it flow past me, flow by me... as i watch everything go by me... do i really even care?

bah...

2008-03-11T20:20:00.000+08:00

I am sort of angry or pissed off, but i know that i should have to let it be especially since i care enough for the person and i know what that person is going through. It's both insensitive and uncaring of me to have done to her, so am sort of angry at myself. Although at the same time, i just had to let her know what my thoughts are. I would never think of hurting her, but i definitely want to be heard.

2008-03-09T18:23:00.000+08:00

It's been a while. i know that i haven't written or blogged for a while is such a cliche. But then, that is the truth. Or rather, i haven't written as much because i have been holding myself back from doing so - to prevent myself from being taken away by my thoughts. (Though i did notice that my command of english vocabulary has slightly gone bad, sliding off from where it used to be.)

Aside from the daily grinding of thoughts out from my mind, it has been a relatively quiet "mind" day for me. i woke up late, like almost noon, and decided not to go out of the room until it was time for lunch. I started meditating again, after such a long time of doing it and stopping again. I realized, now and again, that i have to continue meditating. I had one of 'those' days just a few days back. The feeling that i also have to "ground" myself has been going through my mind most of the time. To ground myself to reality, yes, and to ground myself as well - to release all the "charge" that has been stuck in me - all the tension, constriction, fear and all else that i hold inside me that has been detrimental to my being. Imagine the concept of grounding in science, and you'll know what i mean.

by now, just when i am starting to be productive, the day is almost beginning to end. It's getting dark already. I guess it's just me. I took the day slowly, even taking a bath. haha :) but it was fun. i only get to do so once a week since i am always rushing to work in the mornings, meaning i have to be quick with whatever i have to do (and you must know that i am a late-riser; i just sleep like a baby and have gotten use to the alarm going off. I have around 4 alarms, but i still sleep through it all.).

So anyway, going to be productive for a while by doing some work. :) I do hope that i continue to write again from this point forward. i did love writing. and i guess i still do. holding back just made me think that i wasn't as good anymore, that i need not do so. why did i hold back? because i thought that it would just make me go insane and unstoppable with all my thoughts streaming and rushing out through my mind.

2008-03-02T17:26:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel so hypocritical of myself...
there are days when i think i am living the way i should be...
and then there are days that i am lost in the bliss of it all...

still, there will always be days that i would wish for time gone by...

and to wish that we all live the future that we want to have and to become.

watashi no elle. kanojo no namae wa elle.

2008-02-23T23:42:00.001+08:00

I can compose tons of notes and still be at a lost of what i really wanted to say. My mind is still chaotic despite the perceived quietness.

I can send all these to you & i will not get a reply.

i know things, i believe, yet a part denies & doubts. it's maddening, crazy and senseless at times.

Is that Me i hear? Or is it just me? Or am i running towards what i think i saw or discovered? Is this life even real anymore?

I know it is. It must be. You're here and there. And i'm both happy and hurting deep inside. Stretched to both limits. I guessed i became more flexible, or probably i somewhat got used to it. Did i get better? Or did i get worst? Or am i losing it?

Perhaps not. Or perhaps so.

There is no right or wrong, good or bad. That is what you said. But it seems that there is. Because if it wasn't bad, you wouldn't move away. Because if it wasn't good, we wouldn't have gotten along. I must be talking senseless, shallowness or the other way around.

Either or, neither nor. Can i be both sane and insane, both right and wrong, both shallow and deep? Even both alive and dead? Both nothing and something?

I want an answer, even though i know i will be met by silence, some of your warm, icy silence. Even if the answers are right on my face and i just can't see it because i am so looking out for it... Will i accept it or not? that will be an open-ended question.

How will i choose to live, to be?

I had a dream

2008-01-13T09:37:00.000+08:00

I had a dream
i was fighting for you
when somebody
tried to implicate you

I had a dream
i was traveling
doing what i enjoy
surrounded by water

i had a dream
people were discovering
something new yet fearful
yet i was there

i had a dream
people meeting and recognizing each other
but i didn't want to care
but did so in silence

i had a dream
i was with my family
yet i sat there in silence
controlled and isolated

i had all these dreams
one night
as it has always been like with me
dreaming my dreams

remembering...

2007-12-22T23:53:00.000+08:00

the beauty or profoundness of life... we try to express them but fall short of it, as it is with the expression of love and other emotions. what we feel, at most times we know we comprehend and want to share, but with the incapability of sharing that exact "thing" about it, we are either left with too much awe or with too much disappointment. but nonetheless, we would aspire to find a way to reach out and share it with other people, such as the case with movies, books, music and a lot more. to share the beauty, the gravity, the breadth and depth, and all else unexplainable but of which makes us human.

been watching two movies today, both on HBO. first was titled "The Valley of Light", of which i ended up thinking of what i wrote above. the next one was "Stepmom". Yes, it left me with eyes filling up with tears... i just wanted to cry. of course, there were a lot of parts in which i cried, but that one part that i remembered is that of which Susan Sarandon's character, Jackie, was spending her last christmas with her children, her ex-husband and his new wife Isabel, played by Julia Roberts. Jackie was talking with her daughter, and she was saying that the memories of people who pass away live on in the people who keep these memories and these people dear and alive in their hearts. i have one such experience. a family friend of ours passed away of cancer some three years ago, on December 13, 2004. every time i remember her, and see her face in my mind's eyes, i can't help but cry. i miss her, i can say. i know that she has already passed on, but i just can't help crying. we have somewhat moved on, as everybody is living their lives, yet of course, when one takes the time to remember, of course, the loss of such a good person just makes us miss her so. but she continues to live in all of us whose life she's touched or has been a big part of. i went to attend the dinner thing for her 3rd death anniversary. at first, i didn't want to go, but in the end i went with my dad as well. actually, it didn't seem like a death anniversary; it is more of a gathering of people who loved her and continue to love her in our hearts. there were so many people, and one can say that the atmosphere is positive. i guess i was observing myself - my thoughts and my feelings - and others around me. now, it popped into my mind that it has become not the celebration of her death, but the celebration of the life that she had lived with love for all of us, all of us who has come to remember her as she has touched our lives. such a gift, i can say. and i am glad that i decided to go. :)

such beautiful music... check www.davidbyrne.com/radio i am listening to it from iTunes (hope it's not making the internet slower for my brother, hehe :))

2007-12-03T21:09:00.000+08:00

today seems to be a day of feeling "balanced". not really completely balanced, but i just feel like so - somewhat at peace with myself. of course, there were points and moments during the day that i felt flushed, irritated, worried, and what more, but i am glad that as of the present moment, i am okay. can you say that i am relaxed? in a way. it's easier to let go today. of course i can't say the same for tomorrow. let's just see.

i miss her. definitely do. but i am also amazed in that i am able to resist the gnawing inside me. not that i don't want to see her, but then it has just become easier not to give in. there is still the longing, but there is also the waiting. i don't want to push her, because to push her is to push myself as well - pushing myself to expect all these twisted "illusions" of mind that i end up making it harder for myself, to suffer in my own "illusions", especially if they don't come into reality and i end up so sad and disappointed. i told her that i feel like i have to back off. not that because she is in a stage in her life, but also because i have to back off for myself, so that i don't just throw myself into the endless tossing of the strong waves of my thoughts, spiraling they may be - endless that it sucks me in if i continue to push, claw and hold on to it.

i wonder if we will meet again real soon. i wonder if i did or said something wrong. but i know that i will never know, and i guess it is suffice to trust myself that i know that i did nothing and said nothing wrong, because i would never want to hurt her, even how twisted my mind can get - i know it in my heart, even when i get so negative, i will always want to protect her. i am always looking for answers and explanations, so that i can be ready when the hurt and the pain comes. but then, based from previous experiences that i am seeing in mind again, these also shows me that it can create this web that confuses me and that can eventually lead me towards that destruction of this relationship that i so cherish. my insecurities and my negative thoughts eventually led to the end of previous relationships, what more to this one if i continue letting myself go through that spiral again.

2007-11-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

this is being composed and sent thru wireless internet using my new p990i. yes i just can't stop playing with it. hehe :)

2007-11-05T06:35:00.000+08:00

written because i wasn't able to go back to sleep again, after 430am.... thoughts just kept beguiling my mind...

Is it impulsiveness,
that is the fire in me
at this very moment?

Is it the push
that i feel
that makes me think?

does it fuel
the desire of
wanting things now?

together with impatience
feeling that it is mine to receive
or that i will get it
makes me insane.....

why do i have to
keep on trying
to prove that i am worth it?

why do i fear
that i am not worth it?
that i have to grab hold of it
tightly?
especially if it comes at an unknown moment,
and if it is uncertain to come again.

why do i lose my mind over it,
to keep on going into this
endless wheel of mental anguish
causing my heart to contract,
to quicken, to push, and push and push,
to grab hold of something tightly?

why do i fear that i will not be able to get it?
why do i fear?
why?

2007-11-02T21:33:00.000+08:00

i feel so restless today... except for taking our pet shihtzu to the vet, i really had nothing else to do. so i ended up sleeping a hour or two this afternoon.

I texted a friend to ask if there's any activity for the next two days. and then i remembered the list i made which i placed in this very blog. and my heart just shouts for the stars, to stargaze.

feeling so, i went out of the house and saw two distinct stars. i wonder what they are. i then remembered the time when my cousin and i took a trip to inner mongolia during our vacation from school in beijing. while the rest of those in the trip slept in the bus(well, that's what i think they were doing), i reveled in the wonder of watching the stars up in the night sky. they are so beautiful. you can see them in different levels. i mean, so many stars in the night sky. we were in the part of mongolia where there weren't much infrastructures or night lights. it was just beautiful. no other word to really describe it but beautiful and wonderful. there were so many of them, and you could see them one by one, with the naked eye. it seems like they were surrounding you from above, but you don't feel enclosed or anything, you just feel happy to have them around you. you could see some closer to us, some farther in the distance. but the effect is just spectacular. i just wasn't able to sleep that night, and am thankful i didn't go to sleep or else i wouldn't have seen them at all and would have missed that chance of seeing the beauty of them. it is my thing to just watch whatever's out there from the window during trips over land, and i guess on sea as well. :) nature is just so beautiful, especially if you're contemplating, reflecting or just enjoying your own space - communing with nature in one form or another.

now, i am looking for a place that sells telescopes. it's just an impulse right now. but i guess i'll buy one if i do find it. :) if not, i'll just let it pass. :) but would definitely want to learn more about it. :) i do love space and space exploration. :)

2007-11-01T17:57:00.000+08:00

today was a day devoted to driving... and eating... sort of.

It is official, no work for November 1(Thursday & All Saint's Day) and for Nov. 2(Friday & All Soul's Day). November 3(Saturday - my turn for day-off, YES!). So yes, it is a pretty long weekend for me.

Anyway, i woke up at 8am and immediately went online. i was just actually waiting until sometime before 11am. I was my dad and my granddad's driver for the day. We first went off to have lunch at Gloria Maris in Greenhills and just drove the whole afternoon - to go past Luneta, going to Cavite, and then back, to Fort Bonifacio(just to buy Krispy Kreme Doughnuts), and then stopping by the Examiner Branch of McDonalds for some coffee, hot chocolate, milkshake and fries before going home at around 3pm something.

During the drive, i am very thankful that it wasn't too sunny during the time i was driving, around noon, the time that the sun would be really strong. It was raining. or if it wasn't, the clouds were out. For me, this is a good thing because it was be easier for my eyes. i always squint because of glare caused by light, whether it be due to headlights or sunlight. And yes, silently, i thanked God or the One for making it easier and more comfortable for me to drive.

As always, i am pretty self-conscious of myself and my thoughts, especially my thoughts. Whether i am walking by, driving(i know, it is unsafe to think too much of other things while driving. but driving helps me focus, and in a short while, my thoughts concentrate on driving and observing my surroundings while driving.), talking and whatever else i do, i always "keep track" of my thoughts.

At one point, while walking towards the washroom in the restaurant, i would smile at the people around me that had eye contact with me. "People do welcome a smile...", a friend reminded me. For me, it also meant being good to myself, and not being afraid to be myself and smile if i want to, to be happy of who i am and to be confident. At another time, at the intersection stopped by the stoplight, there was this guy that was wiping the car's windshield and windows to "earn" a living, receiving alms from people. I gave that guy 10 pesos, thinking that he would move on to the next car. He kept on wiping the windows until he finished wiping all the windows even after i moved the car forward a little. I said, "i won't give him any more." but actually, after he finished, he just moved away. I then found myself uttering a wish/blessing/prayer for him: that he be given what he needs - nourishment for heart, mind, and soul, as well as for his material and physical needs, and that he receives enough for his lifetime and not ask for more(be content and not be greedy).

During our stop at McDonalds, i observed my dad and my grandfather. Father and son have a distance, and i can liken it to the way it is to our situation right now (father and daughter/father and children). While my grandfather went on and on talking about stuff from one topic to another, my dad just "listened" and showed signs that he was not really listening. It's like he doesn't know what to talk about anymore, and is just "listening" out of respect. I felt "bad" when he talks to me instead of talking or just focusing his attention to my grandfather. on my side, i would want to talk and just talk to my dad, but then he wouldn't want to listen at all and would only like brief, concise, succinct descriptions. And when we children don't feel like talking, he would feel like talking. The lines of communications have been sort of blocked by choice. What came into mind at that time was that his inability to talk with his dad, and how it is, in some way, the same way with us towards him or him towards us. i wonder if we have to always do things out of respect even if we are not happy about it and end up showing signs of disrespect, instead of doing things that we mean and we are really happy and sincere doing for the person. Or to do things that we are happy in doing for ourselves, living our own lives yet still living and coexisting with others in this world, without disrespecting another, in the broader sense and deeper meaning of the word "respect" with regard to ourselves, to the world and to all else that are interconnected with us. Why is it so hard to be real, to be honest, to be us?

The Past, the Present, and the Future. It was nice how it was said in Hallmark Channel, "Sometimes we have to go back and make sense of the Past during the Present to be able to move on into the Future." and the other day, the thought of accepting our roots as part of who we are - we are from these, a part of our past, and whatever we do, it will be part of us. We should not be afraid of it - it made us who we are now, and it makes us who we want to be, and we all want to be a better me not just for ourselves but also for the world because we all contribute to the world at large.

Something along these lines of thoughts... :D

a global family... people who are our family around the world, even if we are not related by blood at all, but related because of genuine love and respect for each other. They are everywhere, if we open ourselves to the beauty and goodness of this world. Not just in this dimension/plane, but also in the other places where they exist.

2007-10-29T17:39:00.000+08:00

sacred timing...

and then safe but big accidental damage to the car i was driving today, at home, while parking, during the morning....

i wonder: are they interconnected? since all things and our lives are interconnected.

i wonder if i can even fathom to understand the depths of the truths of our universe.

just a thought.

2007-10-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

there are just so many things in life that open your eyes, your mind, your heart and your soul to a range of things and experiences, especially if you truly let them permeate through you as you open your heart to these experiences.

i actually took this day off as a personal leave to accompany my dad for a doctor's check-up. He wasn't feeling well - dizziness and vomiting - since monday. anyway, it was also a good idea for me since i still have this headache a whole week long. it felt great to just wake up later than usual and stay at home. I wondered, "will i ever get a job that would allow me to work from home, at my own time?" Hehe :) i'm pretty sure there are.

i am invited to stay over at Laguna for an evening. but how to get there is the problem since my dad doesn't agree with me driving there myself, even with a companion. i would really want to drive somewhere on my own. but anyway, what's more important is that i get there. so if i would need to borrow our driver for those two days, well, i guess it wouldn't be a bad idea. and i wouldn't even have to tire myself driving. of course, the experience of driving and getting there alone or with my friend, would be the best experience. :) but in a way, i am glad that i didn't push the idea too much. told myself, " i will just wait and see." i also emailed my friend about it - been too idealistic and over-optimistic. but i still hope that i'll be allowed to. :)

yes, i live too much in my mental world, as the outside world i see around me passes me by. i take note of them - really - well, most of them i guess. and experiences are kept deeply in my heart and mind, especially those that i treasure so. :)

Things i still want to do in my lifetime

2007-09-22T21:08:00.000+08:00

1. travel travel travel
2. watch the stars in the night sky(got to get a telescope first, for stargazing)
3. write
4. go for long drives to far off places, either alone or with someone special.
5. learn to cook (i do want to... though i like to eat better)
6. to get back the innocence of being a child - the child in me
7. to have faith in something bigger in me and in the world around us
8. to try more things (food, etc -> new experiences)
9. to own my own place somewhere remote
10. to laugh some more
11. to make more people laugh and feel good
12. take good pictures
13. be with nature... the sea, the sun, the forest, the falls, the rivers....
14. ah, own my car
15. have my own library
16. have a book i have written published in my lifetime(!?!)
17. be more open, meet new people
18. have fun
19. smile
20. enjoy being me - no more hiding
21. have my own movie theater
22. save a life or two - or the world if i can (there's nothing wrong about dreaming.)
23. my poems into music lyrics (yes, let's dream.)
24. to feel at peace with myself - my decisions, my feelings
25. ...

i'm pretty sure there are something else that i just can't think of right now. :)

2007-09-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

yup, just a change in the template. nothing quite radical, of course, something i wish i could just do in my life. but yeah, rushing into things was never really my thing, unless i really wanted it.

write write write.... should i continue writing? i know i should. yet i guess i always stopped myself from writing whatever is in my mind, since i always think of my audience. will it click? etc etc etc... i mean, i know that writing should express who i am, but i guess, i just always wondered if people will even want to read it. or is it because i am just not "putting it out there", that's why nobody is reading? well, i guess i'll never know unless i try it out. actually, just a while ago, and whiles ago, i would have an idea to write about, but then i would always put it off until i finally end up not really wanting to write about it or do it at all anymore. i guess it goes with other stuff that i actually want to do but end up putting off because i think too much about it. there, i've said it as well.... thinking... makes me put off what i want to do.

like at this very moment, i am having a drink. yes, a drink. if it were and is another time, i guess i would have put it off. i want to drink, nothing wrong with that. and am home. nobody to hurt. just me relaxing, watching, blogging... right? right. and here i am, right in front of the computer, typing away, trying to finish this awful tasting 2005 Shiraz Cabernet that was brought home. well, actually, i guess i am trying to make it not sound that bad, but well, it's not really that bad, it just tastes bland, as i commented the first time i tasted it. although drinking it now, well, i just wanted to drink it because i want to drink something. i just felt like drinking something. good or bad, guess i can't really choose right now, can i? of course, it also means that i'll try finishing this glass that i poured for myself. i wonder why i decided to still pour myself one even if i knew how it tasted... ahh... i was thinking of adding something special, to spike it up... but sadly, i can't really get to that special stuff right now.... so, next time, i guess.

hmmm... typing about this now... i think i am trying to be "out".... being bold. probably i can do so as well because i know that only a selected few will be taking the time reading is. and i guess some occasional "visitors" who would happen to chance upon my blog. but other than that, my blog is almost virtually non-existent to the world at large.

anyway.... drink i shall... and then watch something like Miami Ink, as i wait to get my room back by midnight.

2007-08-26T20:13:00.000+08:00

I wonder, what have been doing all my life? I seem to shift from one place to another, figuratively, yet not really "moving" anywhere. Am still the same. The funny thing is, i want to change for the better, yet i can't even let go of the things that i know i have to let go off, like fear, jealousy and a lot more. You also have to add to the list that i can't even accept who i am. I continuously hide who i am. I say all these things, knowing all these stuff about how i am right now, yet i still haven't done anything right, even just for myself.

I have all these thoughts, all these feelings. I don't want to lose myself, yet am losing something of myself anyway. If it's not sanity, then it's peace of mind, inner peace. I would always have a reason or justification ready, or some thought that i think would explain it. and the list just goes on and on. In the end, are all of these my problems? Can i even get over and change all these in me in this lifetime? Might as well just erase myself from the face of the earth, from the memory of time and space. Yet i guess that wouldn't happen. I guess it can, if i really wished to be invisible and stayed invisible, hiding in obscurity and in anonymity. But then i know that a part of me would definitely still look for that connection to the world, even if just through one person. If i don't find it in me, of course i'll look at it from others. Where else, right? But what do i really see in myself? i see me as somebody always afraid, unwilling to make any changes because it would "turn my world" upside down, even if everything in me is already chaotic and that turning it upside down wouldn't really matter. I wanted to find a path to just follow i guess. i am good at following instructions anyway. But i guess even if i asked for it, i wouldn't be given it at all - i have to find it myself, but letting it come to me. and i am just so damn impatient. I want to change now. If i am to lose myself, might as well now, in the blink of an eye. but yes, be careful what you wish for, be extra careful...

I say that i am not afraid of being alone. Am i sure about that? then why don't i want to be alone? why do i want to be always with you?

i don't really feel that sad, but still sad. It feels colder. I guess when it's already empty, you have nothing else to look at except at yourself. You'll have to focus on yourself.

I just don't know what i should do anymore. I don't know if i am feeling right anymore. I don't know if i am still in my mind anymore. I don't know... all i know is i don't know, even if a part of me wishes to say that it does know. Even if a part of me fights to exist, to keep on saying that i do know, and leads me over and over again into thinking and into suffering all these emotions and fears that leads me nowhere, that drives me mad in anger and jealousy, in doubt, clouding my mind and my heart from the things that i really want to do. I've become the slave of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears. and i give in too easily, especially when fail...

2007-08-20T08:44:00.000+08:00

every morning i wake up,
I just want to close my eyes again,
resisting the awareness
of leaving the dream reality.

i can now finally see
the deep empty hole inside of me.
the black hole that we speak of,
the hole that i tried to cover.

I am not falling anymore
Yet it is so empty
I am in the middle of it all
yes, alone.

I want to feel the hurt and pain instead,
To drown and find release.
Feeling lost even with a direction,
Just wanting to run away.

I tell myself,
"why do i have to face it without you..."
I know the answer,
Yet i still can't accept it.

I was blind or rather oblivious back then
A part of me would give some to get that back.
Yet the degree of consciousness and awareness that you've shown and open me to,
that now makes more things seem so real,
that just makes it more imperative to face all these me,
I don't want to let go.

trying to patch the hole in me
Yet all my efforts go in vain.
Losing myself
slipping away

sliding back to where i once was
to go back to how i used to be,
or to change and go forward an unknown path,
should i face this now?

am i just fooling myself?
it's all in my head.
but can i fool my heart?
i guess i can as well.

true in my love?
true to you and me?
true to world?
i don't know.
i don't know where i stand anymore,
or do i?

2007-08-18T23:02:00.000+08:00

Pushing,
grasping,
yet still stuck in place.
swirling round and round
and back where i started.

now confused,
now lost.
more knowledge,
more data or information.
could be trash,
could be useful.
i don't know anymore.
nowhere nearer
to where i want and wish to be.

still trying to reach deep inside,
still holding out my arms.
heart shouting out,
with mouth clasped shut.
mind filling up with thoughts,
conscious, aware,
i am drowning in it,
swept by tides and waves of it.
where else can i go?
where and how else can i flow?

hold them in?
repress them?
suppress them?
all three don't work that well.
i'm about to burst!
run away?
they'll still be with me.
where am i to go?!
face them?
and i'll end up doing all of the above.

i said i won't.
i said i will not do it.
yet here i am again.
doing it again.
bam bam bam
bang my head!
bum bum bum
fists hit the wall!
boom boom boom
screams my heart and mind!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

2007-08-12T18:35:00.000+08:00

haha :) i suddenly changed my mind about going out... too tired after giving Diane a bath. watched tv instead - Nickelodeon's Avatar(nice cartoon actually, a lot of New Age stuff in there). and i just found it so nice outside, with the strong breeze and the blue sky, oh, and the sunset. :) i went and sat for a while outside, and relaxed myself, until i was bitten by an ant and went in to get a bath. :) haha :)

so much fear in me. i just realized that i am afraid that my feelings are wrong, and that i can't face my feelings. i mean, why the need to remember stuff, to rationalize, to analyze past events, memories, and possible future results? i just wanted to know that my feelings are valid, that they are okay. i want to be sure that i am feeling right and not feeling incorrectly. yet is there really a good and a bad way in feeling stuff? i can't even stand up for myself and for what i feel deep inside. i think about what i feel and only talk about it to people that i know can help me understand it, and at the same time tell me that my feelings are okay, that they are not bad, that they're not wrong, that they're okay, and that they are valid feelings. but most of the time, i just hide all these in me. right now, i think i am trying to analyze/rationalize what i am feeling and thinking....

anyway... :)

2007-08-12T14:02:00.000+08:00

Yes, my mind has been doing some walking again today. I just went to the boxing gym this morning... and oh boy, was my mind working out as well. Well, i wasn't able to breathe well. I mean, i ate breakfast - i make sure i do before i go for a "workout". plus, i made sure that it wasn't a heavy one and just so that i'll have enough energy. I arrived there an hour after eating. i actually just took things slowly. well, guess this is just one of those weeks. and anyway, i didn't go for the last three times (1st, wasn't feeling well. 2nd, had to go out with family. 3rd, it was raining this past few days, and it was so cold and comfortable just to stay at home. yeah, you caught me. :) ) i really must wake up early, walk the treadmill and do so ab exercises. i mean, really must.... do it instead of telling myself, "but i want to sleep some more..." and then going back to sleep. hehe :)

will be giving our little dog a bath later, and then, i'll be watching ratatouille(?) later. :) [am too lazy to check for the correct spelling.] i kinda want to go out alone, you see. but for my mom, it's like, "you crazy? nobody watches a movie alone. you're very *******." and then they left already. but what the heck, am still going out. i've been "mean" to myself, always fighting with myself. i'm my own worst critic. haha :) always have been. :)

last night, watched some parts of the movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on Star Movies. i want to write. :) just write. :) and go into all those realms that we can't reach in our waking life. :) i wonder if i'll be able to write something like that. :) i dream. :) yes, it's my dream. :) no problem dreaming, as long as you don't get attached to it and feel disappointed and lost when you don't get to reach it at all. i am so impatient. very impatient, with a twisted idea of the world giving me what i want now, but the thing is, it just doesn't work that way especially if somebody else is involved. free will... we do... i am just afraid to use it most of the time - afraid that i'll make life harder for myself because i didn't do it as my parents would have wanted it, because it wouldn't look good. At times, i could manage to say, "who cares?", and it would feel good. but most of the time, especially at those moments when it would mean a lot to stand by my own, i end up just leaving myself alone and letting what others think and what my fears make me to believe dictate and affect my decisions.

i am pushing again. i just wanna change, now. i said that i want to take things slowly, but the thing is, i want my results now, fast. haha :) i'm a contradiction. :) yet i don't know how to really deal with it. run or face it. :) been "running" all my life. been depending on another or looking out for another more than i should be looking out for myself. i know that i have been running all my life. now, i tell myself, face it. i still end up having the feeling to run again. I'm stuck, again.

crazy... me.... :) but i wish i really am so that i just wouldn't care and just "live". :) my mind.... :) my heart... :) i don't know. :) i want to face myself, yet can't really (and somewhat don't want to) face myself.... it just hurts... it's just hard.... i don't want to suffer, yet i am suffering right now... suffering in a different way... much better off than others, but suffering in my own world....

2007-08-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

the world that i see, is the world that has you in it....
the world that i fear, if you leave, would crumble and cease to exist.
a world surrounding you
a world just for you
a world i limit myself too
a world familiar and comfortable
a world the two of us share.
a world that i forgot also existing within this bigger world.
a world where the two of us also exist at other worlds

2007-08-07T20:05:00.001+08:00

2007-08-06T20:37:00.000+08:00

If i could search from the world up high,
i'd search the world for you from the sky.
As i look up into the starless night,
i pray that you are well, safe, and happy.

Yet there is nothing i can do now
except to gaze up into the sky
hoping my heart's voice reaches you
from a distance, from afar.

You have loved not just one,
but so many,
and i am thankful
to be one of the many.

Truth be told,
you are gift from the universe,
different,
because you are you.

i might not know what i am talking about anymore.
probably i'm sleepy, probably i'm blue
but i just miss you
and that's all i can do.

2007-08-03T17:53:00.000+08:00

New experiences in life... how do we remind ourselves of these and of what we learned from these? For me, all i know how is to write about it. I find it hard sharing it with people. some of them think i am going mad. at times, i guess i wish i can just go mad, just like *that*. i was like, "go mad over "this"?"

Good thing that i can smile about it right now. and it is a great thing that i am having a quiet mind right now. for the past few days, i had been riding the tide of extreme and intense emotion. the waves of thoughts that crash through me, made me more confused as i struggle to be free and to get to firm land - a sense of equilibrium - as i try to reach out to anything that i can get a hold on. Even sleep eluded me, coming to me only when i am too worn out to fight anymore.

Imagine feeling every heartbeat as fear rushes through you. Emotion, just like a living hell, spreading the unpleasant burning feeling in your chest, consuming you. You twist and turn from side to side, hoping to find rest, hoping to find release and escape, yet, nothing. All you can do was try to survive it, to live through it, as it devoured you and your soul, pushing you down and down.

Yes, i must be crazy. You know very well that i do want to go crazy.

2007-07-21T15:05:00.000+08:00

My mind is literally turning into goo.... I am so sleepy... The day is so slow... Or i guess there's still 3 hours more to go...

I do my best to keep myself busy. But when i saw what i have to read, i was like, "Again... Translating them in my mind... Grace, wake up! Do something!" But when i look at it, my mind goes blank, *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*, just as if my heart stopped beating and my brainwaves ceased to exist.

It's nice and quiet. I'm alone. I'm tempted to sleep. I'm tempted to read something else. I'm tempted to leave early. In short, I'm tempted to do something else. I need inspiration, i need to push myself to do something, ehem, productive. Yet as you can see....

Just a few days ago, i was filled with discontent. I was sad/depressed, whatever you can call it, and i just can't wait for the day to end so that i can unwind and rest my heart and mind from all my complaints in this life. Of course, the truth is, you can either carry it all day or just let it go fly off somewhere else. For me, it comes and goes as it pleases... And i can let it be at times, but usually, i'll end up thinking about it, as i stare out onto space, at moving objects and a variety of other visually catchy things, especially in my memories - sucked back into my own world in my own mind.

I pound against the walls. The spring of emotion continues to gush all sorts of feelings in me. There is no way for it to get out. It seems to overflow. Full, to the brim. How do you open up? In my silence, i try to push that stream of emotion yet all it does is aggravate things and the more the emotions push back at me. I feel heavy, from feeling full. I just want to smash my head so that they can all come trickling or gushing out. It doesn't matter how fast, as long as they get out. My heart cries, yet no tears flow from my eyes.

If only i can tear myself into two so that i can fly away into the sky. Into the eternal blue expanse. I've always enjoyed the feeling of flying in peace, of riding horses that gallop fast and the wind passing through me. Such a peaceful feeling. Have you ever tried sitting alone in silence, and letting the passing breeze caress your face? The sound of the wind seems to whisper silently, helping you rest, lulling you into sleep. If we can just take time to do so.

I'm still here... Sitting by the computer.... Looking at the reading stuff again.... and time seemed to only move by a fraction of 6 minutes....

What the heck... back to "work"...

2007-07-16T19:40:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... a thought just came into mind. isn't there something like you'll know what a person is like base on their trash or the stuff they collect? Hmmm... how about me? :) hehe :) i mean, it just shows a part of oneself, and not a whole picture of a person.

this thought came into mind when i was checking my gmail account, and remembered that i have like 400 something Chicken Soup stories sent through email that i don't even take time to read anymore, but i don't delete them either. Haha :) it seems like trash, but i just can't make myself to delete them yet. :)

Let's see, over the years i have collected books, notebooks, pens(used up - yeah, i don't know why.), stuffed toys(for sentimental reasons, but i gave most of them away just a year back - whatever my heart can stand to let go), paper that i have written stuff on (for obvious reasons - though i don't know where i kept most of them), coins(by year, by denomination, and depends on the country, and if i have the "supply".), CDs(classical and anime), VCDs/DVDs(anime and movies), stuff/memorabilia that have some significance to me because it reminds me of someone special to me or some special event (though i wonder if i will always remember). I'm pretty sure i have a lot of other stuff "stuffed" somewhere else that i have forgotten about. :) hehe :) oh, and stuff that i find while "cleaning out my closet" and decided to keep but ended up keeping for another long period of time, forgotten until the next cleaning. :) haha :) but these are the most obvious ones that i do see of in myself. :) for others they may be considered trash, but not for me. :) well, that's how i think. :)

i wonder - where does this "blog" stand? :) hehe :) i believe i have hundreds of entries here by now (really, grace?) :) hehe :)

of course, we wouldn't be obviously looking at other people's stuff (yeah, their trash is still their stuff until at the garbage dump). But i would always end up observing - i don't mind taking the time to do so. :) i already think a lot anyway. :) hehe :) for me, observing is sort of something that i do naturally. Of course, it's selective observation. it's my quirk, and we all have that. :) hehe :) of course, why observe something you don't have interest in? :) there are just some things that other people notice but just goes by me, and vice versa. :) so when somebody points something particular to me that i wasn't really looking at, i'm like, "what? where?", and it will take me some time (like forever) until i find it or i'll just give up and let it go.